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#1 of 26 Old 10-22-2004, 02:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Is it a big deal for your spouse to dream about past lovers even to the point where they think about it all the time.

I would appreciate any input.
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#2 of 26 Old 10-22-2004, 02:46 PM
 
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I have to post here. I don't know if that OP was made my a man or woman but I am a woman and here is my experience.

For some odd reason, I go through periods of extreme sex dreams. I don't know if you mean day dream or night dream so I hope this helps.

My DH doesn't seem to mind so much 'cause my dreams are mostly about 'fictious' people not my old lovers. I think in reality he has no idea how much this happens or if I think about it very much.

I will say that when he has had dreams of past lovers, it really irks me. It brings up all my feelings of inadequacey and jealousy.

For me, I feel my dreams so much that is does affect me to have a pleasurable dream and I do think about it afterwards. Just as though a frightening dream gets me.

So is it a big deal? I guess that depends more on the situation of the realionship. I can't answer that for you. I do think that anything that gets in the way of a healthy relationship isn't so good and that could be many things. I guess it is a big deal if it interferes or if is creates lying. I have heard it said that there is a level of fantasy that is healthy and I imagine we all have it.

Hope that gives you something to start with.
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#3 of 26 Old 10-22-2004, 03:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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they are not sexual dreams so much as how things use to be with them and how much i loved them. sex is part of it but it is also remembering the way things use to be.
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#4 of 26 Old 10-22-2004, 03:18 PM
 
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I remember my past relationships very well while I'm awake. Nothing for my spouse to worry about, just trying to gain a better understanding of who I was/am & the transformation

hth
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#5 of 26 Old 10-24-2004, 02:55 AM
 
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Oh gosh I dream about past relationships all the time. Sometimes I'm still in the relationship. Sometimes I'm rekindling the relationship and I'm not married and DD doesn't exist. It all just depends. They often highlight what was good about those relationships that is lacking my marriage. And when I wake up I will think about it because they are so vivid and really bring it back. I can't control my dreams and I don't see how knowing this will help my Dh so I just don't tell him in most cases. I think it's pretty normal though.
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#6 of 26 Old 10-30-2004, 05:56 AM
 
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well I cab safely and positively say that since I have been with my wife, I have never had a dream or fantasy about past lovers. I feel that if I would have had one it would mean that I am lacking something in this relationship. I do not think it is good to dream or think of past relationships. They con only hurt the ones u are in now. I have had friends who have done this. what usually happens is the one statement that would destroy a perfectly good relationship. That statemwnt is, "Well buddy or buddette X would never have". It my experience that once a comparison si started being made, its on the way down the drain. If the relationship is fullfilling, there is no reason to dream/fantasize about past flames! Very simple
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#7 of 26 Old 10-30-2004, 06:23 AM
 
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I completely disagree.

Dreams have a language of their own.. and they are not always LITERAL.

Dreaming of a past lover does NOT mean you are longing for them.. or that something is wrong in your current relationship.
Dreams are about symbolism.. you have to figure out what that person represents.

I have an ex-boyfriend who has come to represent discord and sadness in my dreams. He represents unhappiness and loss. So even if the dream is erotic.. which happens.. it does not mean I am longing for this man... or that my marriage is unfulfilling. His appearance tells me I am sad about something... and I may not realize it.

Keeping a dream journal can help you figure out what is triggering these dreams, and what the person represents.
Over time, you will begin to see a pattern, especially if you also keep a daily journal so you can compare the dreams with what is going on in your life.

Dreams and fantasies are two very different things.
You can't control your dreams.
It is not at all productive to judge someone's dreams or make them feel guilty about images they can't control.
All you can do is try to figure out what the dream is trying to tell you.
And understand that dreams often have a secret language.. they can be cryptic and hard to decipher.
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#8 of 26 Old 10-30-2004, 06:40 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ican
Is it a big deal for your spouse to dream about past lovers even to the point where they think about it all the time.

I would appreciate any input.
I am commenting on the initial post. dream about past lovers all the time? Sorry but to me it means they are not geting what they need from the current partner. I can understand if it was strickly a dream here and there what i could symbolize but all the time? There is something more going on than just interpreting who represents what.
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#9 of 26 Old 10-30-2004, 07:02 AM
 
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Not necessarily true.
You have recurring dreams if you don't "get" the message.
That includes recurring dreams about former lovers.
And yes.. if it is an important message, you will have the dream "all the time" until you get it.
Some people have recurring dreams for YEARS.

You are confusing fantasies with dreams. If you are fantasizing about an ex-lover all the time when you are AWAKE.. that is different.
But dreams do NOT work like that.

The person in question might be "thinking" about their dream all the time because they feel confused and guilty for having these images in their head. Because they think like you do.. and they are judging their own dreams instead of trying to understand them.

When you "get" the message of the dream, it goes away or changes.

By the way.. I do dreamwork with a Jungian analyst.. that is where I get my understanding of dreams.
She helped my work through my dreams of my ex-boyfriend because I felt guilty for having them and worried it meant I was obsessed with him or something.

It did NOT turn out to be that at all.
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#10 of 26 Old 11-03-2004, 11:32 PM
 
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OK, I agree that you cannot control your dreams. I do believe that dreams tell you something. I wuld start to worry about dreams when the person who is dreaming the dream wants the dream to come true, which could be a fantasy. Other then that to not I would not get frustrated with dreams.
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#11 of 26 Old 06-05-2006, 07:54 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ucdaddytomany
I am commenting on the initial post. dream about past lovers all the time? Sorry but to me it means they are not geting what they need from the current partner. I can understand if it was strickly a dream here and there what i could symbolize but all the time? There is something more going on than just interpreting who represents what.
Well im new to all this but i dream all the time of my ex and im married with a little girl. I don't know what it means i would like too though????? But I can tell you it dont mean they wont the ex. Cause I would never leave my family for him. I think its just the best person i was ever with before i got married and I have a hard time letting go.
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#12 of 26 Old 06-13-2006, 04:26 PM
 
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I'm right there with Asherah. People in dreams are symbolic. So is sex. Some people get creeped by the people they find themselves having sex with in dreamland - their grandmothers, sewer monsters, their bosses, whatever... this does not mean they are yearning to do so!

With regard to the other folk's comments, to the extent that you might not be getting what you need out of your current relationship, if this is actually the case then the dreams may be pointing at parts of yourself you no longer express as much as anything else. It does NOT mean you are with the wrong person. If you became a parent with your new partner and were not one with your ex, then there is a going to be a lot of 'you' that you need to reconnect with via your dreaming for a while, and that may be symbolically linked with your ex.

So I think the ciritical the question is, is the being obsessed with this while awake a case of daydreaming of the ex, or just obsessively wondering about the meaning of the dream...
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#13 of 26 Old 06-13-2006, 07:15 PM
 
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I dream about a past boyfriend ALOT. I agree with PP that have discussed dreams are symbolic. The year I was with this guy was a time of carefree fun, exciting times, and absolutely no responsibility. When I have a dream that includes him I take it to mean that I'm stressed,need to relax a little and plan to have some fun time--with my family.

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#14 of 26 Old 06-14-2006, 01:31 PM
 
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I have some weird dreams. They are and can be reacurrent until I figure out what they mean. Your spouce has told you about them so be greatful for the honesty.


My dh has an ex-lover, very sexual dream. His first love the lady, he lost his virginity with, the first woman to rip his heart to peices He figured out he only has dreams of her when our marriage is stressed and we need to spend some time on our relationship.

Dreams can be hard to figure out sometimes. If it is a repeated ex-lover dream I would spend time building the relationship and maybe exploring what happen in that relationship that is relivant.
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#15 of 26 Old 06-14-2006, 01:42 PM
 
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I dream about ex's sometimes. And sometimes guys that I liked, but never did anything about. Sometimes the dreams are pleasant, sometimes not.
But in reality, I have no desire to be with anyone but dp. He's the best
I've never flat out told him about the dreams. But I've asked if he thought that dreaming of ex's and other guys was bad. He said basically that you dream what you dream. Just like you feel what you feel. Its not bad or good, it just *IS*.
My feelings would be hurt if he told me about a dream about an ex. So if its just a dream and nothing more, I don't need to hear about it. If if he had a dream that he thought really did mean something, or he was worried it might, I'd want him to talk to me. And vice versa.
What matters is your conscious thoughts and desires and actions regarding those dreams.

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#16 of 26 Old 06-15-2006, 05:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Deva33mommy
So if its just a dream and nothing more, I don't need to hear about it. If if he had a dream that he thought really did mean something, or he was worried it might, I'd want him to talk to me. And vice versa.
What matters is your conscious thoughts and desires and actions regarding those dreams.

If it becomes a regular subject arround the dinner table then I would be concerned.
Otherwise I would be worried only if someone DIND'T have dreams about thier former lovers.
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#17 of 26 Old 06-15-2006, 02:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ican
Is it a big deal for your spouse to dream about past lovers even to the point where they think about it all the time.

I would appreciate any input.
All the time...not good. There is an issue that needs to be resolved and it may have nothing to do with you. If they cant figure it out then talk it through. That being said…. if all the dreams are about is sex then drive that dream out with a new one. A well planned seduction or an exciting spontaneous act will clear that up right away.
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#18 of 26 Old 06-15-2006, 02:26 PM
 
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Early on in my pregnancy I had all kinds of hot, sexual dreams involving various people not-my-husband. I confessed them to him one morning and he said, "Oh, I'm not threatened by that at all - I know that I am the only one who can make those dreams come true!"

Referring back to the initial post, though, I can't think of a reason to share every single other-lover dream with my partner except if I was trying to "tell" him something in a really bitchy, passive-aggressive way. I mean, it's just not nice to flaunt all the dream-sex you are having!

That would be my main concern - regardless of what the dreams may or may not mean, the way in which they are being shared with the partner is obviously distressing him. IMO, that is where the problem lies, far more than having the actual dreams themselves.

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#19 of 26 Old 06-17-2006, 02:32 PM
 
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Having dreams about an ex-lover is not exactly something you can control. However, if those dreams are spilling over into the waking hours by talking about them constantly, then you have a problem. Your partner deserves the respect from you as well. Partner first, dreams second.

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#20 of 26 Old 07-11-2006, 01:25 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
By the way.. I do dreamwork with a Jungian analyst.. that is where I get my understanding of dreams.
ITA with Asherah as well.
I worked on some of my dreams with a holistic therapist. I was coached through viewing different aspects of my dreams as different aspects of myself. In combination with symbolism, I gained much insight through interpreting my dreams!
Asherah, I've never heard of a Jungian analyst - where can I find more info? &BTW, I love the quote in your sig.

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#21 of 26 Old 11-20-2006, 03:58 PM
 
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I have dreamed about past lovers.

My wife has only been with me, though she occasionally dreams about past boyfriends.

I would strongly suggest talking about it with her and stifling any urges to be jealous in the process. Ask her if there are traits and activities they had/did that she'd like you to have/do and strive to meet her needs.

Communication is key. Tell her that you feel inadequate or superfluous (if that's how you're feeling). Admit that you can't compete with a perfect memory. Try to make new and better memories with her.
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#22 of 26 Old 11-20-2006, 04:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Ican View Post
they are not sexual dreams so much as how things use to be with them and how much i loved them. sex is part of it but it is also remembering the way things use to be.
During my last pregnancy, I began to have dreams EXACTLY like this about my first love. The dreams were literally EVERY night of the week. At that rate, they were really infiltrating my day time thoughts.

I'm pregnant again, and have bagun having more dreams again (not necessarily sexual, just about being together) except this time they are about the sucessive boyfriend (theres only been three including dh, thank goodness, i dont think i could handle any more dreams!!) And I DO find that these dreams stay with me upon waking and alter my mood toward dh for some or all of the day.

I find myself wondering/wishing what life would have been like had I stayed with the other two. Im embarrassed to say that this sometimes turns into day dreams about them. Luckily for me, they both live out of state, i dont even know how to contact one of them.

DH knows about the dreams from the dirst preg, i passed it off as hormones. But i dont tell him how it stays with me all day. I dont think i'd want to know if dh was having dreams (day or night) about his past lovers. If he thought he was wanting to act on them, Id want to know, and I'd tell dh if I got to that point to. I dont know what would happen, but I dont think I could just act on it and keep in a secet...

A tough topic :
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#23 of 26 Old 11-29-2006, 03:53 AM
 
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Well, when you get into dream interpretation dreaming about past relationships where you are happy just points out that your needs aren't being met right now and you are dreaming about when they were or some ideal situation.

It's nothing having to do with wanting to be with that other person, etc.

I used to worry about this myself if I had a dream like that, but when I looked into dream interpretation and found out why people do it, it didn't freak me out anymore. Now I use it as a tool to tell me things that I may already know but aren't at the forefront of my mind. I need to work on getting my needs met.

...and you don't need to tell your dp about the dream/s.

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#24 of 26 Old 11-29-2006, 09:45 AM
 
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I have about 2-3 nights of ex-lover dreams every few months. With DH and I being on different schedules (he works 10PM-10AM 5 nights a week, Im up at 5:30 w/ ds every morning), sometimes we go a couple of weeks w/o being intimate. When I have these dreams, I know its been too long since our last heartfelt night of making love.

Dont get me wrong! Every time DH and I have time to be intimate, it means sometime, but sometimes we dont connect in that deeper (no pun intended) sense. Sometimes its just to take that sexual edge off, KWIM? I dont tell DH about the dreams because I know the time he spends away from us, his family, is hard on him. He already feels like hes neglecting the family and the house, I dont want him feeling inadequate compared to the ex.
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#25 of 26 Old 11-29-2006, 10:46 AM
 
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The old lovers could be symbolic of aspects of your partner.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#26 of 26 Old 11-29-2006, 03:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Momtwice View Post
The old lovers could be symbolic of aspects of your partner.
...or just as symbolic of a piece of pizza.

I've been studying something called "chinosis", of late. Essentially, the brain can assign just about any image to just about any concept. While there are some correlations sometimes, you can't really depend on any sort of accuracy.

I still advocate the good, ole, face-to-face, gentle, loving communication and talking through everything--not just the dream that happens to be flitting through your night-time now and again.

Also, realize, you only remember a few of the thousands of dreams you have in a night. For all you know, in the other 10,000 dreams you had that night, you were fighting horribly with your ex lover...

...or sitting in an office staff-meeting naked...

...or watching seven skinny cows eat seven healthy cows...

...don't base your life on your dreams.

Communicate with your partner about your feelings and needs.
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