My husband is having "performance" problems - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 10-27-2004, 09:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He goes limp every time we try to GIO. This has never happened before. He is only 33 (I'm only 28). I'm feeling so crappy about myself. I believe it is happening because he is under a lot of stress right now with a potential loss of his business, but I can't seem to stop internalizing it. So immature. What can I do to help him? Part of the problem now is that every time we start to try, he remembers the last time and is afraid of the same thing happening again, which of course helps it to happen. Again, what can I do to help?
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#2 of 18 Old 10-27-2004, 10:43 PM
 
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I'm not an expert and I'm not a man, but my dh has had similar problems in the past at times of high stress. Of course then it becomes a vicious cycle.

One thing you could do is set a rule that sex has to be all about you for a couple of times. His only job is to pleasure you, and not to have intercourse. He can use fingers, toys, mouth, whatever, just not his penis. This can give him a real sense of accomplishment and pride and make him feel that he can satisfy you in more ways than one.

Another thing you could do is make it all about him, but in a very sensual way - no orgasm allowed. Back rub, foot rub, long kisses, sexy stories, watch an x rated video together, whatever turns him on but even if he can get it up it's all about the teasing and satisfying emotionally speaking, so again the pressure is off.

So much of sex is in our heads and not in the hydraulics - try to think of ways you can reconnect with him emotionally and sensually and the sex part will follow eventually.

If the problem doesn't go away by itself he may want to have things checked out with his doctor just in case.

Please don't take it personally though as that's just too much of a burden for him to bear right now.

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#3 of 18 Old 10-28-2004, 12:14 AM
 
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ITA with Quirky.
Or you could find someone who has an extra viagra for sale.
Nothing like macho hard on when previously he was limp from stress to really boost his manlihood! The next time you go to have some fun, he'll be even more turned on thinking about last time. Plus, you'll never forget the first viagra time...


Katie
*Currently searching the streets for Viagra*
It's like crack, I tell ya!
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#4 of 18 Old 10-28-2004, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quirky: Thanks for the terrific advice. My husband really liked the idea when I proposed it to him last night.

KatienDwayne: Wow, I guess I need some viagra!!
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#5 of 18 Old 10-28-2004, 03:06 PM
 
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lol Always good to lighten things up!
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#6 of 18 Old 10-30-2004, 04:24 AM
 
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Hmm I find it funny that yet once again I see women tallking in the dads forum. Me being a man has had this problem before as well. Yes it is stress related. Yes it has a huge impact on sexual performance. That is what happens just like when the women have "headaches". I do beleive a no sex rule also stands there. Maybe along with the viagra for the guys, we should make up a sexual asprin? Hey fun for both right? Best thing I have learned is to chill out. Find out what the stress is and work it out. Yes viagra will get it up but will it be pleasurable for him? I always thought its about both partied involved. Was I wrong?
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#7 of 18 Old 10-30-2004, 04:40 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ucdaddytomany
That is what happens just like when the women have "headaches". I do beleive a no sex rule also stands there.
Not in my house! Sex helps to relieve headaches.
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#8 of 18 Old 10-30-2004, 05:44 AM
 
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yes annmarie, there are exceptions to every rule. Although when my wife does get headaches, or more like migrane, it just hurts too much. Should I just give her tylenol 3's? I could not do that
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#9 of 18 Old 10-30-2004, 01:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think the viagra was only meant as a joke. Last night was great. We took the time to cuddle while watching a movie after our daughter fell asleep. I feel so much better just having a little bit of intimacy and I think my husband does too. I'm not sure when either of us will be brave enough to try intercourse again, though. I think we'll just try and be intimate in other ways for a while. Having a 2-year-old in the house made it hard enough before to find the time to GIO and with the fear we both have now, I think we'll have to find a time when we know we'll be undisturbed for at least an hour. Hard to do with a 2-year-old!
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#10 of 18 Old 10-30-2004, 04:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ucdaddytomany
yes annmarie, there are exceptions to every rule. Although when my wife does get headaches, or more like migrane, it just hurts too much. Should I just give her tylenol 3's? I could not do that
Actually, I take pain meds on a daily basis and sometimes I need to take them before sex. I guess I'm just different than a lot of people. My goal is to please my boyfriend. But of course, that should be her choice.

My bf also has performance problems at times because of meds he's on, but we both try not to think much of it so it doesn't hang over our heads the next time we are together. I think the best thing to do is just relax, still have touching and kissing and if he's able to go on to more than give it a shot, if not, just keep the affection strong so you don't grow apart. JMO.
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#11 of 18 Old 10-31-2004, 07:12 PM
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I was circ'ed and then suffered from spinal meningitis so the nerves pertaining to that area do not work all that well for me. What DL and I found that works for us is the old tantric saw.

"A woman's cup of pleasure is greater than a man's. The wise man will fill her cup first so that it overflows into his own."

In other words, making DL feel good makes me feel good and this goes back and forth in a positive feedback cycle. Which results in us both having a wonderful evening. The other suggestion about just concentrating on making one person feel good for that evening is a good one too...
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#12 of 18 Old 11-01-2004, 08:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penalt
I was circ'ed and then suffered from spinal meningitis so the nerves pertaining to that area do not work all that well for me. What DL and I found that works for us is the old tantric saw.

"A woman's cup of pleasure is greater than a man's. The wise man will fill her cup first so that it overflows into his own."

In other words, making DL feel good makes me feel good and this goes back and forth in a positive feedback cycle. Which results in us both having a wonderful evening. The other suggestion about just concentrating on making one person feel good for that evening is a good one too...
I completely agree with you here. I have been in the same situation before and nothing works better than giving her pleasure first to the boiling over point is a sure fire way to launch my rockets real quick. I personally love doing that even when we are both ready for lift off.
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#13 of 18 Old 11-01-2004, 09:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Penalt and Ucdaddytomany: Before I read your posts my husband and I just happened to do what you suggested. It was terrific for me, but he never got "satisfied" because he went limp again. Later that day he ended up pleasing himself in the shower. Is this similar to your experience? Do you have better luck pleasing yourself than your wife doing it?
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#14 of 18 Old 11-02-2004, 03:08 AM
 
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Well lexymama, I will say this. Baring giving him oral stilulation, a man knows best how to get himself off. Just like a woman knows how she likes it the best. I have not had to pleasure myself in a very long time. My Dl have enough fun time so as I have no need. Sometimes not enough for her. What I meant was while I am pleasuring her orally, while we are both lying on the bed, a simple movement of my little buddy on the bed, gets him nice and hard. Not to mention the little moans DL lets go once and a while. As for your 2 year old, nappy time equals nookie time. lol
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#15 of 18 Old 11-03-2004, 03:39 AM
 
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[QUOTE]
Quote:
Originally Posted by ucdaddytomany
Hmm I find it funny that yet once again I see women tallking in the dads forum.
What, may I ask, do you find funny about women answering the OP's question? Hmmm, maybe I need glasses, because I cannot find the words "for dads only" in her post.

Also, I highly doubt KatienDwayne shoved the Viagra down her husband's throat, so I fail to see the need for sarcasim in your reply. I don't think she was suggesting that the OP force her husband to to fool around just to satisfy her needs, which is what your reply seems to be implying. The people I've spoken with who have tried this have said great things about how it worked for them, and yeah, it was pleasurable for the man, as well as his partner. I'm sorry if your experience was different.

To the OP, I hope things get back on track for you & your husband soon, and I too would like to say not to take it personally. While this is difficult, you need to know it's not about how he feels about you. Most likely this is a physical symptom of something else, or a phsycological reaction to some sort of stress ~ not a reflection of his attraction for you.

Best of luck ,
China white.
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#16 of 18 Old 11-04-2004, 12:37 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lexymama
Penalt and Ucdaddytomany: Before I read your posts my husband and I just happened to do what you suggested. It was terrific for me, but he never got "satisfied" because he went limp again. Later that day he ended up pleasing himself in the shower. Is this similar to your experience? Do you have better luck pleasing yourself than your wife doing it?
Does he respond well to you making a lot of noise??? For me a series of deep moans and/or some "heavy duty breathing" will send me into orbit. If he can finish the job in the shower than it is OBVIOUS the equipment is not the problem. It's all psychological and most men who are honest with themselves will agree. Sometimes we dirty dogs like a “dirty talker” for some encouragement. The marriage bed is undefiled so a little filthy language is perfectly acceptable. Stroking the ego is like stroking the salami, shouting out: “__h yeah! f___ _e ___!!!” etc. etc. will do wonders.
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#17 of 18 Old 11-04-2004, 12:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, I tried the exact thing you mentioned, Mr. Pillsbury, the last time we GIO. I was so into it that it was rather disappointing when it didn't work. Keep the great advice coming everyone. I appreciate it and can use all the help I can get.
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#18 of 18 Old 11-08-2004, 12:18 PM
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I'm sorry but we don't host threads about sex that are not inherent to Mothering's purpose on the web. Sexual questions and issues related to pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, the family bed and so on would be appropriate but without any graphic content. Thanks for your understanding and so sorry to have to close this discussion. If you have any questions feel free to contact me personally by PM or email.

~Cynthia

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