Genie, mama to T (4/02), I (10/04) and T (7/09)
anyway, good luck. it has been an ugly issue here before & i am kind of glad to see it finally addressed here, beyond the 'why don't you want him to have fun?' angle. no one who has not lived with a totally addicted gamer can grok what it is like to try to care for children, live with someone constantly angry from lack of sleep, & watch the focus of their entire lives revolve around their game. the closest i can think of is when i lived with my dead alcoholic spouse- everything revolved around that next drink.
anyway, we have found a compromise, hopefully one that will last- online magic. it doesn't have that constant leveling/raiding thing firing his 'game' synapses, that turns it into an obsession, but still seems to satisfy enough of his gaming urges. we play some rpgs on playstation together, and that is fun (chrono trigger for some retro action right now, & we will replay ff7 before 'advent children' comes out in nov.)
i do not think unsubbing his game will help (he will just call & get it put back on- happens a lot, apparently.) and password protect his stuff. don't go there, you can't win that game.
good luck, anyone who is suffering. it is hard to live with an addiction (esp one where much of society glosses over the extent of its family-destroying power.) magic is my dh's nicotine patch. it ain't perfect, but it's doable.
We are in marriage couseling because I believe he uses the game as a scape from our reality and it's so bad that I have left my house and we now live separately. I will not accept his behavior because while he scapes I'm working full time, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of my child.. I agree that he will only stop when he wants to. The more I ask the more it looks like I'm nagging.
My counselor tells me that it's an addiction, and I believe it.
Mu husband has told me many times that he doesn't drink, go to bars, smokes.. what's wrong with playing wow? Everything is ok with moderation however he needs to understand that it's an addiction at this time.
Like you I felt neglected and it seemed to me that his life revolved around the game. I had to schedule things around the game. If I wanted him to do anything with me and my son I had to ask way ahead of time so he would fit in his schedule.
I've tried to disconnect the computer and it just lead to an ugly argument.
I'm still trying to figure out my situation, but right now I'm happier by myself with my child. He is also still playing his game, and he tells me he is happy.
Knights of the Old Republic (1 and 2)
Black and White (1 or 2 or both)
Civilization (4 just came out this week)
We sometimes play a game of Diablo 2 together, just the two us for fun.
I have lots of other thiings I want to do with my time, more creative things, so I finally just let my sub run out. I bought another month this summer while school was out (I'm a teacher) and DW was pregnant, and I'm psyched to buy another one some time, but now I've noticed that after playing for only a month I don't like how I feel. Weird, I know, to admit that I don't like parts of it and can't wait to do it again!
Anyway, I could rant for a long time about it, about the bizarre undercurrents of sexism, classism, and racism therein (you "owned" me? wtf?), not to mention having to put up with legions upon legions of homophobic teenagers. I get enough of all that during the day. (did I mention I'm a teacher?) See, I said I could rant, and now look what I've done. end.
Turn the damn game off. Life is weird enough.
DH and I are both WoW'ers. We started out playing EQ together, before kids. It was a situation of "If you can't beat them, join them." He was playing all the time, and it seemed like a good way to spend some time with him. We got addicted - big time. We would play for a weekend at a time, with no sleep. It was pretty bad for awhile. Anyway, when we got pregnant with our first, we quit cold-turkey (and made $3000 on our accounts ).
WoW is a lot more casual, and a lot less addicting than EQ was. It IS easy to stop playing, despite what people might tell you. We play with a group of friends we've made over the years, and they are totally understanding if we have to log off in the middle of an instance, because a baby has woken up.
Also, DH and I have made a pact with eachother, that RL (real life) MUST come first. If I decide that I want to do something else, or if one of the kids wakes up from a nap, or in the middle of the night, we log off, regardless of what we're doing. It's a game. It's not going anywhere. There is nothing crucial about it. The quests and monsters will all be there the next time we want to play.
There is no excuse for someone to be ignoring their daily tasks, and their loved ones, for this game. I hope that you and your DH get this issue resolved. Sorry to hear that you're going through it. I have plenty of friends whose relationships have dissolved because of MMORPG's. It's a real problem, and needs to be addressed.
I have worked at a comic book/rpg/gaming network store for a long time. (yeah...posting from a T-1 rocked!)
I have seen how it affects relationships...I was there answering the phone and making them talk to their girlfriend or wife. I have even banned people for a day so they would go be with their partner.
Some guys just need escape.
Some guys have serious addiction problems and will do anything if they can just sit around all day playing games. (who wouldn't?) the ones with serious addictions...do they have friends outside of the game? Do they have any hobbies other than computer games?
I agree about timer and agreed on time.
Yeah, some missions take a few hours. I would try giving a night or two a week. My husband plays every Tuesdays. He was playing every Monday and Tuesday but he was also working late three nights a week so we had to cut it down some so I would stop griping about it (you are gone FIVE nights a week!! AAAHHH!!)
Believe me..I love gaming as much as any girl. I have not played much online gaming since Diablo (#1...sigh) I was just playing a TON and now that I have dd I don't want to develop new gaming addiction. *L
I think it would also be fair if your dh gave YOU alone time a night or two a week. (take comp though....game addictors tend to play while babysitting..*L)
I really hope it works out...but your dh does need to sit down and work out his pixel problem so he doesn't hurt his family.
Reading some of these posts I can feel for the mothers out there that have a husband controlled by a game. It CAN be ADDICTIVE, and I can feel the CRAZY POSESSED game lust vibe from some of the posts! Nothing is more important than your physical body, and physical family. When you say I will play for 1 hour and half you need to follow through. You have a choice not to take your character on some long journey when you made a time commitment. And you know exactly what you are doing in the back of your mind when you have the option to get into a long situation. Tell your men who are pushing the gameworld/illusion too far to stop being selfish! If that doesnt work morph into a Ultra Dragon Mother monster and see if his level 60 can deal with that.
PS: I also have a tip. The fighting, and magic is much more fun in RL. Perhaps see if DH would be interested in taking up a Kung Fu weapons class, or Tai Chi. Then he can pick up a REAL sword, get a good work out,destress,good self esteem, and move towards something very beneficial and physically tangible. Maybe even inspire the older kids, and teach them little moves.
Love and Light
He's the guy who didn't go to work on a Tuesday, because the computer crashed and had someone come to the house to fix it (cost $250) so he could make the molten core run for that evening. This is the same guy that when I told him the Drs. found densities in both of my breast and I have to go back for another mamogram, he didn't stop playing the game! Fortunately the second screenings came back negative. He plays about 50 hours a week, not to mention has gotten our teenage daughter involved too.
Our relationship is ruined over this. We have NO relationship on any level, emotional, physical or spiritual. The impact hit me yesterday when I was digging thru some boxes looking for my kid's photos with Santa to put out as a display. I found some of our old 'love letters' and was faced with the reality that I don't feel anything for my DH. It's very depressing. The amazing thing is that he thinks we have a great marriage (his needs are met, none of mine are), when in reality we have nothing except for cohabitation...we don't even have sex anymore because he gaming until 1am most nights. I'm up at 4:30am most mornings so it just doesn't happen. We don't even talk about it (I've tried). And the only affair that he's having is with the keyboard between needing time for sleep and working 50+ hrs a week.
I am looking for a marriage counselor and hope that we are not too far gone for it to help. Sorry this is so depressing. I am just very tired of being the parent to everyone in the house.
Thanks for letting me vent. I have very few friends (we move alot) and I lost my best friend several years ago to BC, so I really have no one to talk to. The last thing I want to do is burden any new friendship by being an energy void (you know the kind of person I'm talking about).
Kids are up! Thanks for listening.
what a sad little tribe. (and i don't even have it worst, because my dh comes to sanity about once a year & swears off for awhile.)
it is very hard to see humor in any of it, but try not to let it eat you alive. with children, there is a reason to hang in there & try to make things better.
(i'd suggest counseling, but when my dh went he said the counselor said it was my problem, & that his relaxation of an evening was perfectly reasonable. yes, i'm sure any professional witnessing the depth of this addiction at its worst would say that. but it might be of use if you went, or if you went together.)
badgerbadgerbadgerbadger... (that was for you, abi ) was it you who showed me that wow link with the guy who freaking lost it when somebody stole his whatsit? god, post that thing & give these poor mamas a laugh. dh & i did roll over that one. if you can still laugh together there is always hope. and eff, that's funny (if in a way only us gamers/gamer widows/widowers- i know you're out there 'cause i know some obsessed mamas irl- can entirely grok.)
i can't find that crazy wow guy anywhere; if anyone has the link, oh PLEEEEEAAAAZZZZE post it. (my dh may be able to find it when he gets home; being a camelot fiend, it's not like that or 'badger' would be *personal* or anything )
Originally Posted by Pandora114
Glad someone got Leeroy hehehe
"It's not my fault man"
"At least I got chicken"
I WATCHED it and I still didn't get it.
Mooooom! to DS (1/05) and DSS (11/05). TTC our "ours" after VR on 10/12.
Someone who goes AFK during an important strategy session before a huge run into a huge agro area, then when he gets back, rushes right in and gets his entire team massacred.
Yes, even City of Heroes/Villains has their fair share of Leeroy's
The person behind the Leeroy Jenkins toon, was in this order: Smoking a joint, and then paying for some KFC Delivery. Or paying for KFC delivery and then smoking a joint who knows. I just know he was smoking a joint and eating KFC.
Originally Posted by sugarbeth
My husband is a big gamer, but he's not an ass about it. He does his share of the work around the house first, then plays when there's nothing else to be done, and the kids are playing contentedly or asleep. If he wants to do a big instanced mission, he clears it with me first, making sure there isn't some reason he can't commit to it. I don't think I've ever said "no". Usually there's a trade-off between us - ie. he gets tuesday night to dork around and I'll take care of the kids, then I get wednesday night to work on my ceramics and he takes care of the kids. He plays WoW for a month or two, then deactivates the account and works on his miniature hobby for a while, then picks up WoW again. It's no big deal to stop playing for a bit. That "reputation" line is a just an excuse. Nobody in the game will give a sh*t if you stop playing.
To be honest, swimmin_mama's husband sounds pretty immature (for 30? is that right?). The fact that he posts in the same abbreviated chat-speak that one uses to talk in-game speaks volumes about how much this game runs his life. His stress and financial problems could very well be a result of his gaming addiction. Maybe he should be spending all that gaming time looking for a better job?
It's not swimmin_mama's job to come up with pleasant alternative activities to lure him away from his game. He should be grown up enough to help take care of his family first, then game in his free time, without being asked/nagged.
Oh, and I game too. Not so much lately as I've been focused on other hobbies, but I've got my own CoH account waiting in the wings.
Hey there again,
Ok my wife is not here at the moment and I am using her account to answer. So I apologise before hand.
Also my english is my second language se be warned before hand for any grammar mistakes.
I read theese forums sometimes and today when I saw this response I just tought that I shouyld explain it a little more.
First off all I believe I took down my playing hours a little. I haven't been raiding in WOW for the last 5 weeks at all. Just get online with my main and talk with friends for 5 minutes thats it. Altough I have another character that I am working on but I don't play it as often as I used to play.
Meanwhile I am still playing after work when I come home. Mostly my wife and my son are a sleep. But nowadays I don't spend as much time as I used to. Also I guess thats because I don't play WOW when I come home. I've tried to change my hobbies. I mean I like reading or playing pool or watching movies, my life isn't just about gaming. Fridays and saturdays DW doesn't have school so I trying to go out with my collegues after work (I work from 4.30 pm to midnight- 5 days a week) to shoot some pool. I feel guilty about this actually because DW doesn't have the same chance to do what I do. I would feel a lot better if I was at home then going out spending 4-5$ for beer and pool.
I know my wife wants more attention from me. I've been trying to chance my habbit of gaming in one of my off days into a time well spend with DW and DS. I am doing this because in last couple months she changed a lot of things in her life. I am not saying this as she should had changed her life but there was a point that I couldn't handle it anymore. You may say thats because I am from a different culture but while I won't go into the details it is not about the culture.
Also a little detail about finding a different job. As you can see my english isn't perfect and there isn't any job out there that can provide enough money where I can pay for childcare while she is at school and while I am at a daytime job. Right know the job I have is the best for time wise. I take care of our DS while she is at school, she comes back I get ready and I go to work. Its a good deal since we have only one car. Now if anyone has a idea where to find a job that pays enough so I can pay my rent, utilities, day care, groceries please please please let me know because honestly either I am dumb to not see thoose opportunitys or just plain unlucky for living in a town that doesn't offer anything like that....
I know my wife probably didn't told you that my english is my second language, so in that case the comment about my chat style typing is forgiven...
I wish i could say more but i do no want to talk about problems we had/have in theese forums..
Mooooom! to DS (1/05) and DSS (11/05). TTC our "ours" after VR on 10/12.
and i will keep you in my prayers regarding a better-paying job. i remember the struggles we had before a job in my dh's industry came to our city (well, we are still struggling now, but that is beside the point. )
good luck, susan
on a side note, re: leroy i totally get it now. after the pp explained it i watched it a second time with dh and couldn't stifle the laughter even before it started playing . dh went out for a smoke during a break in the instance last night and i couldn't resist gleefully yelling "LEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEENNNKEEEEENSSS!!" as he rushed back into the computer room.
Mooooom! to DS (1/05) and DSS (11/05). TTC our "ours" after VR on 10/12.
It spans into the world of Paragon City and the Rogue Isles!
YES! there are Leeroys in City of Heroes/Villains.
I was going into a mission with me, scrapper, a blaster, and we were waiting on our tank. This was the Frost Fire mission, aka big mish, lotsa agro. The blaster was the tank's friend. he's like "Dude the tank is off smoking a joint" I promptly kick the tank from the team with the msg "I dont want a Leeroy, thanks anyway"
Originally Posted by balawre
I guess my point was that I don't see why your husband feels like he can't leave in the midst of something when you need help.
He's probably doing a Molten Core run and Rag is almost down. Epic drops, baby!
Just kidding. My husband plays a lot and sometimes I get annoyed even though I also play. I guess I'm lucky he is reasonably sensitive and also that he plays on the laptop in the living room. If things get hairy enough, he has to pack it in because he doesn't find any pleasure in it at that point.