Sex=Babies?? Traumatized dh - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-21-2005, 06:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I really didnt get how badly(very sad by this) affected my dh is about my pregnancy 5 years ago. Maybe thats not it, but I am at a loss...

He loves our son and is a great dad-too many hours on WOW, but that belongs in the other thread . He works hard ( I work PT) but we are stressed and strapped financially. Sex is way too infrequent for my liking, and he just seems not interested.
Well, last night after trying again after a dry spell (YK what I mean?) he stops himself cause he says he got to thinking too much and dosent want another baby. Ok, Hun, I say, I am barely over my period so it is HIGHLY IMPROBABLE I will get preggers, besides we usually( hah!) pull and pray.
But this statement of his hits me harder than I expected. Im hurt. I would have liked another child. Whenever. He is clear where he stands and it effects his/mine sex life. Is this why I dont get it from him as often as I want? Because sex=babies? He has this mental block. He needs therapy right? I dont know, I guess we should both go? What can I say- Now its like no hope for great sex and no hope for another baby whenever that might have been.

Any Dads or Moms want to add their .02? I could use some.
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Old 11-21-2005, 06:58 PM
 
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Well I'm of the opinion that if both people don't want to have another baby then you shouldn't have one.
That said, I think the next step with you is letting him know that you guys are using reliable birth control whatever that may be. As we all know "pulling out" isn't effective and so I think he can be concerned if that is what you guys are counting on.
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Old 11-21-2005, 07:01 PM
 
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Why don't you want to use reliable birth control? Withdrawl method is not a practical solution for avoiding pregnancy. I am sure you know that people get pregnant all the time using that method and also having intercourse just after/before/during their period.

If you found some more safe and reliable birth control, your husband may not feel so inhibited about sex. I can see why he would be a bit scared to go through with the russian roulette method. In that case sex could very well (and probably will eventually) lead to pregnancy.
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Old 11-21-2005, 07:02 PM
 
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beachbum, we were posting at the same time and are of like minds
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Old 11-21-2005, 07:04 PM
 
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Well you can get on BC and see if that changes things but it could be that he just doesn't have a high sex drive.

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Old 11-21-2005, 07:06 PM
 
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"Pull and pray"? Why not try doing it standing up--that's about as effective.

Seriously, if he doesn't want another kid, he's not going to want to have sex unless you are using a form of birth control that he trusts and you both enjoy. For me, that excludes the condom (not very enjoyable). Are you opposed to the pill or just don't currently use it? I know it was really hard for my wife and I because she extended-breastfed and the mini-pill never worked for her. Well, I guess it worked in that it invoked the "get the hell away from me" method.

I think you should talk about kids. In a situation completely removed from a mind-affecting substance like sex. Go out to dinner (without the little one) and talk about why he doesn't want a kid and why you do. Make sure he understands you aren't baby-crazy, but that you are open to the idea at some point in the future. See if that's how he feels or if he is firm that he never wants one. Basically, get more information and then make a good decision that benefits both of you.
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Old 11-21-2005, 07:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK- I guess I should have added this since I didnt realize everyone would get hung up on the birth control thing.
WE have. I have been on the pill and I hate it. It has caused severe migraines for me and that was just the mini pill and I am a believer in the FAM method anyway. We have used condoms as well.

And though it wont impress anyone- the withdrawl method when used correctly only has a 4% per year failure rate.

I dont believe that me using birth control is the real issure here since he NEVER brings it up. It is a mental thing for him. Note we have had problems re: sex even when using various methods.
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Old 11-21-2005, 07:36 PM
 
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The sex=babies thing nearly ended my marriage. It certainly squelched our sex life. he didn't want a baby, I didn't want hormonal mirth control so he refused sex. It took me almost 10 years to get that out of him. I recommend you both go to counseling and come to some sort of agreements.

sex does indeed equal babies even with the best birth control.

Dh eventually had a vas. I was very against it but whatever. It beats me being the bad guy.

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Old 11-21-2005, 07:40 PM
 
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Yes, I am hung up on the pull and pray method, especially when you quote it's pregnancy rate at 4%. When a man tries to pull out before ejaculating, he usually leaves behind a small amount of fluid that leaks from the penis during sex. This fluid has enough sperm in it to cause a pregnancy.

I use to work at the on campus clinic, and the majority of unexpected pregnancies were using from using this method. The 4% is actually a very unrealistic number. 20% or higher (Planned Parenthood says 27% failure rate) is more accurate.

There are other options besides the pill or condoms--but I am sure you know that. You could visit your doctor and look into the other methods available to you. If the issue is simply that he has a lower drive--you could talk about this as others have said and communicate honestly about how many kids you want and what role sex plays in your relationship. If he used an unwanted pregnancy as his excuse the last time he pulled away, then I think that would be a good place to pick up the discussion.

Good luck
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Old 11-21-2005, 07:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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sex does indeed equal babies even with the best birth control.
Thank you lilyka. I believe this to be true in our case. I told him if he is just terrified of having more kids than he should get a vas. He did not like that at all. So its not really about birth control.

Counseling seems the right course. If he will go again, this would be our second try.
I just wish we could want the same things at the same time, but that is just asking for too much I guess. WOW fills any needs he has at this point.
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Old 11-21-2005, 11:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia
Yes, I am hung up on the pull and pray method, especially when you quote it's pregnancy rate at 4%. When a man tries to pull out before ejaculating, he usually leaves behind a small amount of fluid that leaks from the penis during sex. This fluid has enough sperm in it to cause a pregnancy.
That's actually (probably) not true. The pre-ejaculate has not been found to contain any sperm. It is theoretically possible that sperm from a previous ejaculation could be washed out of the urethra with the pre-ejaculate fluids (and if the man orgasms then reinserts, that will definitely introduce sperm). It is also possible for a man to have a "mini orgasm" without intending and release some sperm-containing fluid then. But the pre-ejaculate on its own has never been found to contain sperm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia
I use to work at the on campus clinic, and the majority of unexpected pregnancies were using from using this method. The 4% is actually a very unrealistic number. 20% or higher (Planned Parenthood says 27% failure rate) is more accurate.
She was entirely accurate, because she was very specific about "perfect" usage - the rate is indeed approximately 4% at "perfect" usage. You are also entirely correct that "typical" usage results in pregnancy much more often (usually quoted at around 19%). Its numbers are actually quite similar to condoms in pregnancy rates, which are about 3% perfect and 14% typical. The difference is that coitus interruptus tends to be used perfectly less of the time, in my opinion. It is not advocated by sex educators because of the risks of disease transmission (which are quite high, because pre-ejaculate DOES have the HIV virus, I believe), and because of poor implementation, not because it's ineffective at preventing pregnancy when used ideally.

The above information was acquired from Contraceptive Technologies 17th ed published in 1998, pp 304-7
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Old 11-22-2005, 02:10 AM
 
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well in my opinion I don't think that this "birth control method" is fair to him if he indeed is against having another baby. We all know that NFP (not really what you are using) is not for people that absolutely don't want another one. I can see how you are hurt - both of you should seek counseling to determine when/if you should have another baby. In the meantime - buy some condoms. Your sex life will probably drastically improve if he is not so worried he will get you pregnant that he can't take his time and enjoy it.

Good luck to you!
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Old 11-22-2005, 03:15 AM
 
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I know you said that he is the way he is regardless of birth control, but not having an effective and enjoyable means of contraception can definately dampen things even more. I hate the pill too- won't take it- but we found that lambskin condoms work great for us- much more sensitivity than latex. From what the guys I know have told me, pulling out often dampens the orgasm- just having to think "oh god, I think I'm about to...ah! I better pull out now! even though it feels so good..." would make sex less enjoyable. Maybe using condoms will help since he doesn't have to be so conscious and can just let go.

It definately sounds like there is more to this than just lack of reliable birth control, so I think therapy would be a good idea for both of you. You mentioned that he is under stress and the financial situation isn't great- maybe he feels like he isn't providing well enough for you and even the possibility of having another baby makes him feel like he would be even less able to provide. Men seem to have a lot of their self-esteem tied up in being able to provide for their families- and playing WoW all the time might play into that- in WoW he is "in control" and wins and gains status, etc. maybe it fits his need to feel "like a man". this may not be the case at all...just a theory.

If I were you, I wouldn't even bring up that I wanted another baby until the stress level decreased and the financial situation is better. It seems like the thought just overwhelms him at this point.

I hope things get better for you.

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Old 11-22-2005, 11:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by LoveChild421
I know you said that he is the way he is regardless of birth control, but not having an effective and enjoyable means of contraception can definately dampen things even more. From what the guys I know have told me, pulling out often dampens the orgasm- just having to think "oh god, I think I'm about to...ah! I better pull out now! even though it feels so good..." would make sex less enjoyable. Maybe using condoms will help since he doesn't have to be so conscious and can just let go.

:

And just had to throw in there .. while I would never tout withdrawl as a reliable form of bc for everyone, it did work for us for seven years . As soon as we stopped and started using NFP (to avoid, though I got sloppy about it) I got pregnant shortly thereafter.

So Arwyn, what you said was interesting to me ...

(Sorry, a little OT)

To the OP, I can see why you'd be hurt by that. Dh has gone through similar feelings about more children but has gotten to the point where he's open to it and it's definitely a good feeling to know he'd do this crazy baby thing with me again . Since your dh was against a vas, it seems likely that he'd be open to it in the future ... just not now. Good luck with your decisions.
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Old 11-22-2005, 12:27 PM
 
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Well you're pretty spot on when saying WoW is taking care of his needs. I'm an ex-player and it's far too easy to just turn the game on and forget about everything till I'm tired enough to go to sleep. We've had our share of financial issues, and when you combine that with game addiction you really get the feeling of wanting to be left alone.

Sex for men is also more of a physical release then anything else, and don't let some psychologist try and tell you otherwise. Stress has been known to lower testosterone production which as you know will kill a mans' libido. Sounds to be like he is using the "no baby" reasoning as an excuse and feels it's easier to fall back on that then confront the truth. He's probably bored.

I know some previous posters are pro-counciling, but I'm not. Men will take something like that as a threat and will have a hard time getting down to the root of the problem. He'll go to the councelor with you but just get back onto WoW when he feels you're satified enough to be left alone.

I can tell you from experience that using POOT is stressful, and not all that enjoyable. You really need to find a different birth control method, and one which lets him feel a bit more natural. You need to get him off of WoW, and try and do some family activities that will focus him onto something other then the computer. You need to get him active and excited.
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Old 11-22-2005, 06:52 PM
 
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i am in the same boat....\
my dh gets so stressed about money and more children and the possiblity of M/C
( we had a lot of lost babies before we had dd adn i do tend to have difficult pregnancies....lots of puking for the whole time, really tired, and the risk of m/c always looming)
and our dd's birth was kind of hard and long....5 days...we had a beautiful homebirth, but i think he was kind of shocked...

again he too LOVES our dd....but he is scared to have another one...not ever he just says "not now, not yet"

and we do have lots of money stress.

but my point= this is life....and i want to exp joy and goodness as much as i can....

dh is so stressed he is not into it EVER

it is hard for me not to take it as rejection.

no answers, just letting me know; me too.

i have been wondering if i should start to slipping him herbs that increase testostrone (sp?) levels
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Old 11-23-2005, 02:14 PM
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My dw is the "breadwinner" and the financial/responsibility thing is a sex-destroyer for her. I had a vas and that made intimacy more likely but only once or twice in a given "month." Dunno if it's just being 39 and 40 y.o. that's making us settle for this, but hey, it is what it is.

Why am I saying this? Oh yeah, because ITA with most posters about the BC method being a factor, that therapy chosen by the mate is rarely something that the silent-stewing spouse will invest in; kinda have to do it yourself if you really need it. Dunno about WOW's factor so I defer to those with relevant experience.

Not much help, I realize, but sex is such a highly desirable activity for me and not for my dw, there's an enormous amount of issues involved, but if I had to quit halfway through.... I'd say there's way more to it than what's on the surface. But since I'm a weird guy that is touchy-feely, expresses feelings and all that and am not silent, ever, I couldn't tell ya' what you could do to coax info out of him. Some of those silent types try our patience (dw's like that...I've learned to watch her "other" signals and be a good patient person and that can mean waiting for years before she finally speaks aloud her feelings from way long time ago). I feel for both of you.

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Old 01-17-2006, 03:26 AM
 
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What about other methods of sex that don't lead to pregnancy?
A couple can be intimate orally, manually etc all of which would not/could not lead to pregnancy if that is indeed the issue.

I had issues with my XH. He just didn't have the drive I did and I could never be happy in a lame sex relationship. I tried talking with him many times but it just wasn't an issue for him and he didn't see how it was an issue with me.

I would try laying it all out on the table before suggesting counseling. If you can't find the words when speaking with him maybe write him a letter to tell him how much you miss him and need him and want very much to have sex with him in all forms.
Men need to feel needed and wanted.

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Old 02-15-2006, 03:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BeachBum
Well I'm of the opinion that if both people don't want to have another baby then you shouldn't have one.
That said, I think the next step with you is letting him know that you guys are using reliable birth control whatever that may be. As we all know "pulling out" isn't effective and so I think he can be concerned if that is what you guys are counting on.

Statistically, pulling out is more effective than a diaphragm, but it sounds as though they're not always doing it.
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Old 02-16-2006, 09:58 PM
 
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To the OP, FAM is quite a bit different from withdrawal. It shouldn't be a matter of reassuring your husband that "it's right after my period, so it's not likely, even if a bit of sperm did make it inside" it should be a matter of "according to my charts I am not fertile right now so there is not even a need to pull out".

Anyway, I really hope you've had a chance to talk to him and have come up with a good solution. Odds are his sex drive'll improve when the stress level goes down.
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Old 02-17-2006, 01:09 AM
 
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I agree it's likely nothing to do with birth control, since even on birth control OP stated this was a problem.
I think counseling is a good idea, however, in my personal experience my dh states he doesn't need counseling and does not intend on going (different set of issues).
I would suggest a very open candid converstation, be frank, be honest, be loving while doing so. Hard, very hard, for me anyway.
And yes to the pp on FAM, it's so much more. My dh has a sense of my cycle, he learned I'm horny when I'm fertile -- he's trying to get me prego, I don't want to be...
A really neat book about your body is Take Charge of Your Fertility. I highly suggest it as general knowledge to have about your body.
I hope you can talk with your dh. For a man not to want sex, something is up and it ain't his you know what!!!
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Old 02-17-2006, 01:53 AM
 
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As a poster on the fertility forum said to explain why she didn't want to use FAM, "I'm stupid when I ovulate". See, the great thing about other birth control is, when you want it more you can just go for it.
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Old 02-18-2006, 01:13 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that NFP is just as effective as the pill if you and your partner are very diligent and commited to it (99% to be exact). I would never put artifical hormones in my body and I don't like the idea of BC, but that is me. I really think you should have a long talk with DH. My hubby is the same way. He worries about pg until I tell him that I am not fertile today and cannot get pg. Then he relaxes and we have a great time. If having another baby is out for DH and you are still wanting one in the future then you probably need to discuss why you would like another baby and why he doesn't. I hope it all works out for the best.
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Old 04-04-2006, 06:13 PM
 
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I don't understand alot of the acronyms that everyone used but i understand what your going through. My dh and i didn't even have an existing relationship (we knew each other as friends not that much as lovers) until my son was born and we were married. he took us "on" for the rest of our lives and i understood that in the beginning he would have troubles with that. its actually odd tho cause our sex relationship and overall intimicy was GREAT the first 6-8 months. I loved everything, the samhing, the cooking, the little military wife at home, the entire life, even the few stress points of financial hardship was nice.

The honeymoon didn't last long. Ironically when we started complicating out lives, internet, TV, cars, extra jobs, more kids things went downhill. We were at a party on new years eve and i was very tipsy and my friend and i talked to him. at this point in time we had sex about once a week and it was just 15 min and that was it. i felt alone, abandoned, unloved and everything you have felt. "we" (i needed help....) asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me anymore, does he feel that he made a bad decision, did i not look good anymore, was he upset because i was working and not able to stay home (i understood why that would be hard on him), what was it? he finally admitted that sex may lead to a baby and that (financially) we weren't ready even though I was. Little did we know i was actually pregnant then!!! Life has a way of slapping us in the face. It sure did with us.

We have not been able to further that convo at all but on the bright side we don't have to worry about BC until I stop bfing again....

He has expressed that he wants a vas but i don't want to "cut" our chance if we decide 10 years down the road to have another when we are "ready".

BTW we are only 21 years old and 10 years is viable...haha.

I also, through 2 unexpected pg, found that right after my period i am MOST fertile and we were using condoms intermittenly so my body just sucks that sperm up i guess.

I know this doesn't provide an answer but its helped me to read that someone elses dh is going through the same things. I have no idea what to do to talk to him or relieve future fears.

Luck to us all!!
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Old 04-04-2006, 11:05 PM
 
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on the bright side we don't have to worry about BC until I stop bfing again....
Breastfeeding doesn't prevent pregnancy. And you can start ovulating before your period comes back. So please don't count on that.

I am not sure what WOW is either but think it might be War of the Worlds on the computer?

To the OP, I think the guy really IS just afraid of having another baby now. I don't blame you for not wanting to be back on the pill. I was on it for ten years and coming off of that was the worst experience! Dh and I both swore never ever again! Would you try an IUD? Or diaphram? I think condoms are a great option personally.
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Old 04-04-2006, 11:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Guava~Lush
I am a believer in the FAM method anyway. And though it wont impress anyone- the withdrawl method when used correctly only has a 4% per year failure rate.
I can see that you are a believer in the FAM method. I just don't think HE is. I don't think he trusts it - or maybe he doesn't trust you to not "slip up" since he knows you want more kids. Not saying you would, just that he might have that as a concern - the possibility of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guava~Lush
I dont believe that me using birth control is the real issure here since he NEVER brings it up.
Well, yes he does. He brought it up the last time you tried to be intimate. He told you that was his problem with it, his worry of pregnancy.

I'm not saying that there might not be other issues also. But that is what he told you and it makes sense to me. I don't think he is crazy, and I don't think he needs therapy. He isn't ready to have more kids right now. If you were using birth control that you BOTH trusted and were comfortable with, and still had issues (I know you have in the past but I'd try again at this point to see if the right BC would help), then that is a different problem.
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Old 04-05-2006, 02:17 AM
 
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FWIW, I am reluctant to have sex because I do not want to become pregnant again. I also don't want to go on birth control and we're considering vas but since its permanent we want to be sure-sure-sure.

DH says he'd like to have more relations though I'm usually the one who initiates things. However, with life being so hectic now about the only time I have enough desire to pursue relations is during my fertile time but my fear of becoming pregnant keeps me from putting the moves on my DH.

I think sex=babies is a very reasonable fear for anyone not ready to have another child.

BTW, to a previous poster - WOW stands for Worlds of Warcraft and it's an internet based computer game which can be quite addicting if people don't keep their priorities straight. My DH is actually playing it right now, but he schedules his game time around family time.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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Old 04-11-2006, 01:54 PM
 
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IMHO, counseling would not be a motivator for your DH in this situation, especially if you guys are already financially strapped. It would probably make him resentful. In my experience, my DP felt like it was some kind of ultimatum; either we went or...??? And we just didn't have any extra $$ at the time.

We also had the same sit. surrounding having more babes. He was adamant about not having any more and that thought crushed me. When we were finally able to sit down and really open ourselves up to each other, he was able to tell me that he would be open to the possibility in the future once our financial situation had drastically improved. It may be that your DH would feel the same way if $ was not such an obstacle.

I agree with the PP who said he probably feels bad about not being able to provide enough for his family. I know that was a big part of my DH's issue. Men definitely associate their worth with their ability to make $$ b/c that is what our society values in a man, as much as that sucks.

If I were you, I would try to get him involved with the family more. My DP escaped to the computer too for awhile. Let him know that you miss spending time with him (outside of sexual situations) and make sure you let him know how much you love him and appreciate all the work he does for your family. He needs to know that he is valued for other things than his $$ making skills. It really sounds to me like he just needs a self-esteem boost. Between not being able to make enough $$ and not being able to give you the sex you want, he is most likely feeling very inadequate. Let him know that that is not the case. Try giving him a massage without expecting things to turn sexual. Maybe if you guys can just connect sensually through the power of loving touch along with your words of appreciation and encouragement, he will find his sex drive again.

As for the bc, there is NO method that is 100%, but maybe you could try offering to do more than pulling out and praying-- the lambskin condoms really aren't as nasty as latex. There is more feeling and no gross balloon smell. That said, I really do believe his lack of sex drive has more to do with his self-esteem than whether or not you'll get pg. But that's just my humble opinion.

Hope you guys can reconnect soon. Sending you loving vibes...
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Old 06-01-2006, 02:26 PM
 
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I have had a similiar problem for years with my dh...anytime he gets stressed, feels yucky/bad/whatever, his sex drive is the first thing that goes. We often have dry spells that go for months...! Your dh may be the same, it may just be that he doesn't think about sex constantly like the "stereotypical male" (read, the TV male).
He may also have other issues re: sex, the baby thing may be just one of several or that might have just been an excuse at the moment to allow him to walk away gracefully.
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Old 06-02-2006, 09:05 AM
 
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my dh was the same... he was very against having more.. and he had valid reasons IMHO... he is military and deploys quite often.. he has left our lil ones behind... missing a birth and leaving when dd was 3 months old for almost a year and it tore him to bits...

i was against him getting a vesectomy but that is what he wanted and i felt that its his body and if that is what is important to him i would rather that then having unwanted children....

if that is not the issue then your dh does not have the sex=babies syndrome and maybe there is underlying issues....

I am confused about how you asked about one thing then defend it and say that is not what you are saying when you get some realistic responses... isnt this bored to educate and ask honest opinions???
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