Angry Dads-to-be...or Over Sensitive Pregnant Moms? - Mothering Forums
Dads > Angry Dads-to-be...or Over Sensitive Pregnant Moms?
Mrs_Hos's Avatar Mrs_Hos 08:23 PM 04-14-2006
I'm cross posting this in I'm Pregnant as well.

First, let me start by saying that we have EXTREMELY thin walls in our townhomes. I can hear neighbors clanging their wine glasses (almost)--well I can ALWAYS tell what TV channel they are watching. We all know to keep our voices down while arguing since we don't necessarily want everyone to know what our personal business is.
Having said all that...I just 'witnessed' an argument with my dear neighbors.
She is pregnant (as am I) and in those early months when she is sick all the time...and she is still working full time--extremely tired etc.
He works full time and I am sure he is doing his best to 'help' her. They were arguing pretty loudly (ok, SHOUTING) and I'm sure they (or she) will be over here soon to talk or appologize for yelling etc. I'm wondering how to help her.
The reason I am asking DADs...is I would like insight to the male mind when your wife is pg for the 1st time. I know that my dear friend is upset that he doesn't care, because he isn't helping her enough or letting her feel loved etc--he isn't returning her many calls during the day etc. This is what I think of as pretty common new pg stuff...she feels sick, is overworked/overtired, thinks she is doing this whole 'baby thing' all by herself...all in all, her feelings are hurt.
He on the other hand is probably doing what he normally would, but with her pg hormones he is probably thinking this is PMSx10! (or x100!!)
Anyways. I don't want to be a medling neighbor...I know she will talk to me about it...so, what do I say...what do men feel like with baby #1? My hubby was deployed during the beginning of my 1st pg--and now we've been married a long time and so he just 'knows' how to deal with me or love me to 'calm me down' when stressed...but I'm not sure his ways would help them...
Any ideas?
Thanks for any help!!!!!

june'smom's Avatar june'smom 12:50 AM 04-15-2006
OH boy. My dh and I had this problem a bunch with #1. He felt like I was just way tooooo sensitive and I felt like he was a stupid jerk face. And that was about as grown up as I could be about it. We fought a lot and nothing he could do was good enough.

Looking back now, I think it was me being super touchy. But there was nothing I could have done to fix it or be less so.
ANd he really wasn't mr. lovey dovey, which I needed. He just didn't know how to deal with the pg me.

I think she probably needs to sit down and talk to him about how she is feeling. Let him know what he can do to make her feel better. The things that work normally for me wouldn't have been enough during pg. I needed bigger and better everything from him.

Her dh might also be scarred at the idea of becoming a father. Mine was. She needs to address that before the baby comes. She should find out what he needs too. My dh didn't want to tell me because he was afraid that it might upset me or something. So dd was 16 mos before we really talked about what happened during her pg. That was a big mistake. I wish I could go back and make him tell me so the pg would have been easier for both of us.

Louise
Marsupialmom's Avatar Marsupialmom 12:41 PM 04-15-2006
She needs to understand that she cannot expect him to return calls to her AT WORK. He is on his company time and returning calls isn't always reality. She needs to remember he could get fired for it (or in trouble if he is military). This isn't him being a jerk and she shouldn't feel like it is.

She cannot change him but she can change how she reacts to him.

She needs to make sure she isn't expecting him to read her mind. Does he have any clue on how to help her. Does he know what SHE expects of him.

She needs to understand that this pregnancy isn't "real" yet for him. It isn't his body that is changing.
crissei's Avatar crissei 01:38 PM 05-24-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs_Hos
I'm cross posting this in I'm Pregnant as well.

First, let me start by saying that we have EXTREMELY thin walls in our townhomes. I can hear neighbors clanging their wine glasses (almost)--well I can ALWAYS tell what TV channel they are watching. We all know to keep our voices down while arguing since we don't necessarily want everyone to know what our personal business is.
Having said all that...I just 'witnessed' an argument with my dear neighbors.
She is pregnant (as am I) and in those early months when she is sick all the time...and she is still working full time--extremely tired etc.
He works full time and I am sure he is doing his best to 'help' her. They were arguing pretty loudly (ok, SHOUTING) and I'm sure they (or she) will be over here soon to talk or appologize for yelling etc. I'm wondering how to help her.
The reason I am asking DADs...is I would like insight to the male mind when your wife is pg for the 1st time. I know that my dear friend is upset that he doesn't care, because he isn't helping her enough or letting her feel loved etc--he isn't returning her many calls during the day etc. This is what I think of as pretty common new pg stuff...she feels sick, is overworked/overtired, thinks she is doing this whole 'baby thing' all by herself...all in all, her feelings are hurt.
He on the other hand is probably doing what he normally would, but with her pg hormones he is probably thinking this is PMSx10! (or x100!!)
Anyways. I don't want to be a medling neighbor...I know she will talk to me about it...so, what do I say...what do men feel like with baby #1? My hubby was deployed during the beginning of my 1st pg--and now we've been married a long time and so he just 'knows' how to deal with me or love me to 'calm me down' when stressed...but I'm not sure his ways would help them...
Any ideas?
Thanks for any help!!!!!
Im curious what happened with your neighbor. Did she talk to you bout it?
FrozenMommy's Avatar FrozenMommy 01:53 PM 06-02-2006
There is a GREAT book for first-time fathers (and it doesn't hurt for moms to read it as well, to get a little insight into Dad's mind!) called "Do I Look Like a Daddy? First-Time Father's Survival Guide." It's very down-to-earth, written by a dad about his experiences, and it's definitely by-a-man, for-men book. It really helped my dh be more at ease with his role, what was going on all around him but not IN him, etc. Also helped me distinguish when I am just being touchy and when he IS being a jerk... by helping me understand his mindset during 1st-time pg.
ApplePapa's Avatar ApplePapa 01:48 AM 06-19-2006
Jump on the June'smom bus, cause she got it right.

It sounds sooooooo stupid to keep beating the drum, but communication is so important, even more so now with pregnancy. You've got to talk and leave nothing out. Well, leave out barbed comments that draw nasty replies, but that goes without saying. My wife was preggers with twins and I was out of town for 1 to 2 weeks a lot. I was there for the delivery, but gone again soon after. I had a calling card and made sure I called as often as I could, but it is true that calling work is not always appreciated by one's superiors. Since it was me calling, that wasn't an issue. After some moments where my DW was talking about slicing her wrists, I punched a few walls....actually did some decent damage to them too! But, we got through it because we talked about what we were both feeling.

AP
Dawn38's Avatar Dawn38 07:55 PM 07-11-2006
Quote:
OH boy. My dh and I had this problem a bunch with #1. He felt like I was just way tooooo sensitive and I felt like he was a stupid jerk face. And that was about as grown up as I could be about it. We fought a lot and nothing he could do was good enough.

Looking back now, I think it was me being super touchy. But there was nothing I could have done to fix it or be less so.
ANd he really wasn't mr. lovey dovey, which I needed. He just didn't know how to deal with the pg me.
: same thing here
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