Am I being selfish ????? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 45 Old 10-04-2007, 01:08 PM
 
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I just wanted to put in my two cents. My DH and I had this discussion a LONG time ago and decided that I would stay at home with our child when we did actually have one. In my own husbands words "I'd rather have my child raised by its mother and live off of one paycheck, than pay someone else to watch it and have you work just so we can have huggies instead of luvs, or a new car instead of a used one." I think that sums it up right there...it is a womans instincts to be with a child, and I think that if she wants to stay at home you should honor that.

7/09 at 7 weeks - love you peanut
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#32 of 45 Old 10-04-2007, 06:44 PM
 
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In discussions with my DH, it seems to us that the pressure of being a SAHM is equivocal to the pressure of being financially responsible for the family.

I don't understand when people TTC knowing that they will put their kids in daycare under 3 years old. If you NEED to work, like, you don't have enough to eat, then of course it's a different circumstance.

The truth is, a man should consider any fear or trepidation of being depended on before he has children (if possible). Being financially responsible for a family is a big deal, but have you considered it an honor instead of a bane?


As for being a financially indipendant woman, what are you going to do, have seperate bank accounts? You are going to merge as a family, financially speaking, no matter what you do. Plus, you can't force indipendence on someone, that just antithetical to the whole idea. It may be that your DP may want to return to work after two year, it may be that she wants to return at 5 years. She may want to work from home a little.
But really, it is very intense to be a Mother, period. Babies depend on your body for food and comfort. You take care of every bodily and emotional need - and there is NO END IN SIGHT, and a good Mother sees this dependence as an honor, my DH loves "taking care of me" and when I mention working, he makes sure I understand I only have to go to work for something I truly love, and for as much or as little as I want. Our plan is for me to indipendently study midwifery. I won't be working for 5 years or more.....And I do consider myself financially indipendant, because dh's money IS MY MONEY.

Crystal
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#33 of 45 Old 10-06-2007, 11:40 AM
 
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I do not think you are being selfish. I think you are trying to come to a decision that is complex and have not yet laid it out so that you and she can make a careful and informed decision. A good method to work through this, beyond simply discussion and pondering is to make a list of what is important to the both of you. For instance, financial independence for her was mentioned. You also mentioned having enough income. Take time to make this list and for each item, ask why a lot, so you can get a feel for why the particular issue is important.

Then figure out how to measure each of these items. You could call them objectives, or desires. For instance, enough income could simply be the dollar amount of salary. Something like financial independnece might be a bit more difficult, so you may need to break some into smaller pieces or be more creative.

Then look at alternatives. Be creative. Would part time work? How about her startig after some period at home with the kids. Get as detailed as you can, and explore how these alternatives each measure up to the various desires you and she have listed.

When you are done with these lists, you may find that the best alternatives jump right out at you. If not, there are various ways to eliminate some until the decision becomes more obvious.

Good luck, and most of all, keed talking with her.

Regards
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#34 of 45 Old 10-06-2007, 03:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by peps View Post
My DP think we should take that opportunity (her not working) to start a family, but even if I am making a good salary, I personally think we should wait for her to get a job and be able to get maternity leave. That way she will already be in the job market and be able to return to work without any trouble. Also I think she needs financial independance.

I don't believe a man should be the only $$$ provider. I want to be able to make a good living and provide my kids with what they want (without spoiling them).

Am i being selfish ?????
I think that if SHE wants to be a SAHM, then you are being selfish to not give her opinions as much weight as yours. (You are also not considering the child's desires, but that's a different post...)
If she agrees with you, then you're not being selfish. It would be nice to take advantage of a year of paid leave. But I can't imagine having to go back to work- even at a year! The stress of finding a provider that is gentle and shares your parenting philosophy might be tough. Also, if you really consider how much money she'd earn, plus how much money would be spent for her to work, you might not end up as positive as you think.

ALSO, if I had to work, I would definitely expect dp to do more around the house, including HALF of the housework and HALF of the childcare, or some agreeable arrangement. I would simply not have the energy to do it all, and I'm sure I would resent it really fast.
That would mean that he'd have to spend half of the time after work, and half of the time during the night, with ds. That wouldn't be a problem for dp- he would do that. But many men wouldn't be willing to spend that much time on housework and childcare. Oh, and cooking. If I had to work fulltime, I'd definitely not have the time or energy to do all the cooking, like I am now.

So consider that- how much is it worth it to you to get a full night's sleep, and being able to come home after work and relax, vs. dealing with toddler whining and tantrums, and repeated requests to "play with me!!!!"

eta- healthy eating and cooking from scratch is much cheaper than convenience foods, but it takes a lot more time. It would be very hard (imo) for a working parent to cook whole food meals on a regular basis.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

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#35 of 45 Old 10-06-2007, 05:47 PM
 
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:

I was just coming back to add that 'things' are important to the parents, not the children.
Want to jump in and say that this is SO TRUE. I grew up with both my parents working. Luckily, I was raised (well, during the day) by my grandma. But anyway, I would have LOVED to have spent more time with my parents growing up, especially my Dad who worked long hours.

I'm not sure it was a case of necessity, either, as we were VERY spoiled children.
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#36 of 45 Old 10-06-2007, 05:51 PM
 
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IMO, terrible plan. For DP to get into the job market only to get preg and then have to leave it again is too difficult.Also, even if she thinks she wants to just take maternity leave now that may not be the case later. What if she wants to breastfeed, that is terrible to do with a baby in daycare. Being pregnant is very, very difficult. She may be sick for a long time, very tired, the hormone changes are tough, etc. You should not expect her to work through pregnancy, stop to have your baby and then leave your baby with strangers at a daycare. Money is not that important. I hope I have not been too blunt, no intent to offend. Oh, this also would do terrible things to her career. No one wants to hire a woman who will get pregnant, no one wants to fill temp positions for women on maternity leave, etc. I had a prof in my PhD program only agree to take me on if I didn't get pregnant...and then we did by accident. I of course didn't take the position and then had to transition from overdrive work mode to settle down and be patient mom mode...very, very tough.
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#37 of 45 Old 10-06-2007, 08:06 PM
 
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All I have to say is, please, sort this out before you have kids and not after. I have friends who ended up getting divorced because of the same issue. He wanted her to go back to work, and she wanted to stay home with the kids.
Their custody battle is ongoing, and getting divorced certainly didn't help the husband's financial position - child support and legal fees aren't cheap... and his ex wife is living well below the poverty line. Everybody loses.

Finally pregnant with #1 and #2! Due September 9th, 2014 
   
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#38 of 45 Old 10-07-2007, 02:52 AM
 
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All I have to say is, please, sort this out before you have kids and not after. I have friends who ended up getting divorced because of the same issue. He wanted her to go back to work, and she wanted to stay home with the kids.
:
Just repeating what many have said. It is so important that you and DP discuss this before you have kids. Don't just think about what to do with babies either. What if she plans to continue to stay home when they go to school or what if you (both) decide to homeschool? I have friends having a lot of marital problems right now because they agreed she would stay home until the kids go to school. Their twins are in 1st grade now and she is very involved with the PTA and volunteering at their school. He wants her to go back to work and is now giving her a guilt trip every time she spends "his" money.
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#39 of 45 Old 10-07-2007, 10:24 AM
 
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Not selfish at all, and I totally agree with you that she should be financially independent. It's great that you are discussing this BEFORE having a kid, not afterward. SAHM might work for some people, but others feel that it is unfair to put the financial burden on just one partner.

I'd advise using reliable contraception until you work out your joint decision on this matter.
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#40 of 45 Old 10-09-2007, 08:16 PM
 
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I think this additude that a mother needs to "earn her keep" by having a income IS selfish. I also agree it is best to discuss this before kids so your wife can decide if this is a deal breaker or not. For me it certainly would be.

In fact, it was back in the day.

If she wants to work, fine. But I don't think any woman should be pressured to return to work after having a baby. This is a plague of modern society that women are expected to go to work while also performing the duties of a primary caregiver.

There are a lot of benifits to being a stay at home mom, too.
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#41 of 45 Old 10-09-2007, 08:28 PM
 
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umm, this thread is from April, and the poster was last logged in in July....
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#42 of 45 Old 10-10-2007, 09:26 PM
 
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#43 of 45 Old 12-12-2007, 03:40 PM
 
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umm, this thread is from April, and the poster was last logged in in July....
I do not think the this is an area that only the original poster can benefit from the responses but something all men and women would benefit from reading. Thank You posters for your wonderful insite. In particular for me it is nice to know that some men realize how much work it is to be a SAHM (actually SAMP).
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#44 of 45 Old 12-14-2007, 09:25 AM
 
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I, personally, would not want anyone raising my child other than my wife or myself. I consider it an honor to be able to afford my wife the ability to stay home and have as enjoyable a pregnancy as is possible. I also believe in home schooling too. My wife is a teacher, who better to educate my children.

Ishmael
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#45 of 45 Old 12-14-2007, 02:29 PM
 
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umm, this thread is from April, and the poster was last logged in in July....
d'oh!

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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