2nd child for her, 1st for me - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 05-07-2007, 12:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello,

This is my first post on this board! My DW, Pixiesmommy, has been on here for a little over a month and encouraged me to join.

DW and I married a little over a year ago - she brought our DD, her biological child (6 years old) to the marriage as well. We found out that she was pregnant around 2 months ago - due in November.

She's been very supportive during everything and she's incredibly knowledgable - she's studying and planning to be an lactation consultant. However, I often feel at a disadvantage. She knows so much more than I do.

I've been doing some reading - books she's recommended - and Internet research, but I definitely feel underprepared. It ranges from everything - what kinds of diapers, dressers, clothes, physical changes she's going through, etc. etc.

Am I the only one in this position?

I think some of it too - and I've shared all of this with her (she's sitting behind me as I type this!) - is that she's been through everything once before where it's all new to me. It's foolish - I know - but I feel like I should know more than I do.

Anyway - that's my story! Thoughts?

Pixiesdaddy - aka Dan
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#2 of 18 Old 05-11-2007, 06:23 PM
 
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Welcome

This is a great place to start, what type of things are you looking for information on? What are your biggest concerns? There are lots of great books and articles out there what topics are you looking for. There are some chat forms here for specific topics like Circumcision, Breastfeeding, Schooling, Vaccinations that would be more than happy to give you lots of advice. I hope you have fun on this site. And congrats on the upcomming baby.


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#3 of 18 Old 05-11-2007, 07:45 PM
 
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I'm right here with you. CCG and I got married a little over a year ago, and she brought her sweet 7 year old to the mix. Now we are pregnant and I'm feeling very uncertain of myself. Will I be a good daddy with a new baby? Right now I know I have problems with uncontrolled noise, I know I can't shhh a baby and have it do any good.

She and I have talked about it, and she tells me I'll be great, but i still worry.
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#4 of 18 Old 05-11-2007, 10:55 PM
 
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I was in the opposite situation as you... first for me, second for him. I felt really worried that I would look like a bad parent compared to him, because he had done it all before.

My worries were all for nothing. I studied up big time at MDC when I was on bedrest.

Every child is different. Her previous child may be nothing like the new one. And that birth was quite a few years ago. You both will be learning about the child you created together.

Just the fact that you care enough to post something here speaks volumes. I'm sure you will make a great daddy! Congratulations and good luck to you!

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#5 of 18 Old 05-11-2007, 10:56 PM
 
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Welcome!!

I am a girl- but I will say I know what you feel is so NORMAL... When we had our first my DP was lost in the pregnancy- most people overlook the dad and he was just in the shadow not knowing where he stood and what his role was. He even wrote me a letter telling me his feelings. I didn't know how to help him because to me I was already a mom- and to him he was trying to grasp something that he could not feel or touch and I very well could. I can see why you would worry, this being her second baby it seems she had it down pat. But there are two things to keep in mind-

first, there will be a time when your DW looks at you and thinks the very same thing- thinks you know so much more than her, how can she messure up. A fine example (I like examples) today I was talking to my neigbor we both have 2 year old DD's and we were talking about bed time and how both of our DH (my DP) can take the girls up stairs and say "goodnight" and they stay- aghh... If either one of us tried this we would be full on fighting for hours. But for daddy the kids go right out. Why dads have this power I have no idea. But us women are frustrated and confused. I look at my DP with the WTH look???

Second, she doesn't know more than you- just different things than you. And I assure you that every baby is different- and she will feel on so many levels like a first time mom again- sure she may not freak when the toddler putts muddy feet on her new mopped floors- but I swear she will find she is learning right along with you.

And last.... You will be a good dad- good dads are the ones that read the books the moms throw at them- the ones that worry about diaper and breastfeeding and all the little things. As far as the noise, ah, it is all different when it is your babies cries.

[B][I]~Ang~ Mom to 2 sport-head crazy girls: Rainey and Breeze  and my little lost love- @18 weeks with gestational age of 7 weeks
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#6 of 18 Old 05-12-2007, 01:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your replies!

Actually had a dad moment yesterday - got to build the baby dresser. It felt very much like a "dad" thing to do. And we rearranged the bedroom to make a super-bed (a queen and a twin put together) so that we can co-sleep.

I've been reading "Birth" - by Tina someone? - a history of birthing around the world to get my started and "Misconceptions" by Naomi Wolf, both recommended by DW.

As far as where to start - I think what I'm most interested in looking for now is what my role is going to be during the actual birth itself. DW made a comment that I'll be the one cutting the cord and washing the baby... I have a lot to learn!!

Pixiesdaddy (Dan)
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#7 of 18 Old 05-12-2007, 03:30 PM
 
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first of all dan!

secondly, though i'm not a dad (or a guy at all...), i think i understand a little of what you are going through-i brought an 8 yr old dd into my relationship with dp, and shortly after we all moved into together, i became pregnant with ds#1. dp had tons of questions and fears and apprehensions: what do i do during the pregnancy? how do i help you? how can i be a good dad? how can i be a good step dad? etc etc. i tried to ease his fears as best i could (and they did turn out to be completely unfounded-he's a fabulous father to all of our (3, now) kids!) by answering his questions, suggesting books & websites (the kind of things it sounds like your dw is doing for you) however, a lot of the time i, forgetting he was a "newbie" to the whole thing, just sort of assumed that he understood what was going on. (and he, feeling insecure in the first place, neglected to ask for verification sometimes)

so i guess the only advice i can give is ask, ask, ASK!! she won't be able to help you if she doesn't know what you're going through. also, come here as you have and ask, ask, ASK!! there are lots of awesome mamas and papas here that are more than happy to help you out!

as far as your role in the birth-whatever she needs it to be. cheerleader, ice chip provider, hand squeezer, calm & patient one who coaches her through the rough spots, fetcher of pillows/blankets/washclothes, changer of music/lighting, protector of her space, both during and after birth. (sometimes when baby comes, there is a gigantic WHOOSH of people in to ooh & aww and though that's wonderful, it can also be a little stressful to the new mama who wants to just soak in the beauty and the miracle of the baby with you in peace and quiet!) also, keep in mind that your role will more than likely change from moment to moment during the actual birth..

not sure if this helps at all, but there are my thoughts at the moment (i really should get dp to sign up and post here, too...)

oh, and thirdly! congrats!! on your dad moment!!!
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#8 of 18 Old 05-12-2007, 09:24 PM
 
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welcome aboard, sounds like you are in a similar situation to what I was in when I first joined up, except we didnt conceive until a bit after I joined up

Congrats on having a second kiddo, even if it is your first bio.

We have a 4 year old, my step son, and a baby due... any minute now.

Just wanted to welcome ya to the board, it is a great community to be a part of.

Partner to :Jessica(??) papa to Jake(7) and : Kaiya (2)
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#9 of 18 Old 05-12-2007, 10:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Piercedboy View Post
I'm right here with you. CCG and I got married a little over a year ago, and she brought her sweet 7 year old to the mix. Now we are pregnant and I'm feeling very uncertain of myself. Will I be a good daddy with a new baby? Right now I know I have problems with uncontrolled noise, I know I can't shhh a baby and have it do any good.

She and I have talked about it, and she tells me I'll be great, but i still worry.
May I poke my head in here and suggest The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp?
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#10 of 18 Old 05-12-2007, 10:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I was in the opposite situation as you... first for me, second for him. I felt really worried that I would look like a bad parent compared to him, because he had done it all before.

My worries were all for nothing. I studied up big time at MDC when I was on bedrest.

Every child is different. Her previous child may be nothing like the new one. And that birth was quite a few years ago. You both will be learning about the child you created together.

Just the fact that you care enough to post something here speaks volumes. I'm sure you will make a great daddy! Congratulations and good luck to you!

I second all that. It was a first for me, second for him for us, too. The little one is TOTALLY different from the first one so he's learning a lot, too. Check out the blended and stepfamilies forum, too! Welcome.
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#11 of 18 Old 05-22-2007, 07:03 PM
 
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wow i wish my guy would come on here or do something like this...he is so passive. i'm not too thrilled w/ him right now. i have one on the way (his bio) due nov. and one from a previous relationship (he is not in the picture), a dd who is 4.5 yo. she calls him her daddy. sometimes he isn't as gentle and like me which stresses me out...i'm a big AP mama. he knew this when we met and if he didn't understand what it meant he is a big enough boy to have researched so he did and decided if he can live with that and be my partner in that. i'm annoyed. but i'm very touched to know there ARE other step fathers and fathers out there who really DO want to be involved. i've been meeting midwives by myself, just my dd and i...i just don't understand this man i'm with. anyway i guess i'll go to the blended family forum. thanks daddies for posting...taht is awesome.

joy.gifproud solo vegan mama to fambedsingle2.gif dd, 9 spitdrink.gif & ds,4  moon.gif. "it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness" -chinese proverb  candle.gif

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#12 of 18 Old 05-22-2007, 11:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey Chrysalis,

Thank you for the reponse. For what it's worth, don't be so hard on your DH. I don't know him, but I know what it's like to come into a marriage where there's a previous child and to be learning about AP on the fly. It is an adjustment and sometimes he might just feel overwhelmed, or uninformed, or embarassed, or he might just handle things differently.

DW and I have had our discussions about how much discipline is enough discipline and how hard to be. Coming into parenthood after the fact with my DD (she is 6 now, 4 when I first met her), it's been a hard balance to strike sometimes.

My original tendency was to be her friend and buddy, but sometimes moving into the daddy role meant I had to be more aggressive with discipline because we were establishing boundaries and our relationship. We're on a good, even keel now, but it took some getting used to.

I could just empathize with your guy a little when I read your message and wondered what he was going through...

pixiesdaddy/Dan
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#13 of 18 Old 05-23-2007, 09:53 AM
 
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I have two boys of my own, now 6 and 7, and we have a one year old together, dh first.

Can I just say that pregnancy was very difficult. :

I, of course, was a crazy mess of emotions. But so was dh. While it is great for you to read and learn, I think the most important thing you need to know is parenting is not like stepparenting.

Sure there are going to be difficult times, but becoming the father to a newborn is going to be so effortless compared to the trials of learning to parent someone elses 5 year old.

I am sure that once you hold that sweet little one many of these fears and difficulites will evaporate. I know that they did for us.
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#14 of 18 Old 05-23-2007, 07:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Piercedboy View Post
Right now I know I have problems with uncontrolled noise, I know I can't shhh a baby and have it do any good.
I'm sure you'll find out on your own in time, but before this worries you unnecessarily, using ear protection will save your sanity if excessive noise upsets you. You will still hear the baby if she is upset, but that does not need to be so loud it upsets you. Of course, all children are different...maybe you'll have an infant who cries rarely and never screams..they do exist
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#15 of 18 Old 05-23-2007, 11:16 PM
 
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1. Your main role during L&D is to support your wife, and enforce the decisions that you make beforehand so she can concentrate on laboring. (cutting the cord and bathing are perks too!)

2. LOVE your children, your wife. The rest will fall into place.
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#16 of 18 Old 05-24-2007, 03:15 AM
 
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It's natural to be anxious because it's your first baby. Don't worry. You'll be a great dad.



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#17 of 18 Old 06-19-2007, 11:44 PM
 
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with our 1st together, dh who had 3 priviously thought he knew all he needed to know.....a baby having problems decending was helped out with a vaccuum and when there is a complication you get a c-birth and then you have no other choice than to have another c-birth. you breastfeed and when you can't you pump and milk is ejected from the body through suction (like in a straw) in a single opening.....so needless to say he was a bit removed from learning about pregnancy and actually missed the birth due to being out of state and not understanding the changes i was telling him my body and emotions were going through....no woman can be that in tune with their body plus I was 3 weeks early and it would be imposible to have a home birth.....

needless to say, he was much more in tune with baby 2, read the books thinking he knew it all and was SHOCKED when he learned new things.....he was an awsome labour coach, with me in the labour tub and comforting me, supporting me, doing what felt natural for him....do all he could WITH the woman he loves!

I did look at him to teach me to change a little girl's diaper since I only had boys (3) previously.....

DW seems to be a great resource - pick her brain!!!! ask all the questions you can think of and just trust your instincts...you will be a great dad!
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#18 of 18 Old 06-20-2007, 01:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by nata0742 View Post
... there is a complication you get a c-birth and then you have no other choice than to have another c-birth.
Hmm, I am surprised by this comment -- I know that VBAC is possible, strived and sought after. Perhaps a medical abberation? What was his line of thinking?

To the OP -- welcome to MDC. I am like you, a husband to a prolific poster here and I finally had to get my own account so she wouldn't be blamed for the things **I** said.

There are lots of books to read -- most books geared towards Mum have a section for Dad. You would benefit from reading her sections too...

Prolific Poster and I read "Husband Coached Childbirth" by Bradley.

I can't urge you strongly enough to read it, even if you choose to do a different method of CB, it's good info to have on hand.

I disagree with an earlier poster who said your job is to advocate for your wife. Your job is to be WITH your wife, not running off to get a midwife or a nurse or whatever you plan to do. Get a doula to advocate and defend you. You shouldn't have to leave your wife's side during the labour, even if it because you had to track down a nurse to get a doctor to get a surgeon to get... (you get the idea).

Again, welcome to MDC -- opinions are strong around here.. but I'm sure you know that already. :
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