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#31 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 05:12 PM
 
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i have no problem with it i also like watching it but there would becomes a problem if i stop getting attention
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#32 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 05:18 PM
 
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I would have a huge problem with it. IMO, watching porn goes way beyond just thinking about someone else.

I'd feel as if I'd been kicked in the gut if I found out that dh had been watching porn. I can't quite put into words how much it would bother me!
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#33 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 05:24 PM
 
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Another Lady here--

I enjoy reading erotica, have enjoyed watching some porn--I have actually found some that is funny--dh and I are doing IUI to try and get pg, so for him, he goes to the 'gentleman's lounge' at the RE's and we laugh about the movies he had to watch to *ahem* get the job done. DH is pretty sensitive about what I like and don't like, and it is cool if I am involved--but for him, he would rather have a live body, then look at a picture in a mag. FYI--he used to be a long distance trucker, and well mags took care of 'things' when we couldn't be together. Course, now that he isn't on the road, porn is no longer needed for us, since I actually have a higher sex drive then dh, and I am 'always' in the 'mood'

NOW--my ex husband--He told me once (I was 22 yrs old at the time!!) that he would rather 'take things into his own hands' then spend 15 minutes with me. THAT is what I had serious issues with--he had a major porn addiction and it was one thing that lead to the downfall of our marriage. And the fact that he prefered the printed page over a flesh and blood woman--that I couldn't take.

If porn is part of your lovemaking, and both parties are included great. If the wife is too tired and has given her dh the go ahead, great, wonderful, but if it is lew of actual physical contact--not so cool in my book.

K, just my 2 cents worth.
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#34 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 05:41 PM
 
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and i'm sure i'll get banned off of here but *gasp* me and DH have went to a strip joint together TWICE and *super gasp* i had fun!
Only twice? If you're getting banned, then so am I! We actually went for my birthday one year. :

Mostly I don't mind my dh looking at porn. If he was spending a lot of money on it, I'd have a problem. If he was going straight for that at times when I was willing and available, I'd have a problem. If he was into stuff that's illegal, we'd have a BIG problem. To the best of my knowledge, he doesn't do any of these things, and at this point, I have no reason not to trust him.
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#35 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 05:48 PM
 
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A couple of years into our relationship I found out that my DH had been looking at porn and writing really erotic short stories for his own entertainment - boy, was I pissed! The ratbag wasn't sharing!

He grew up in a home where sex was shameful, and so he'd assumed that his erotica was dirty and horrible and marked him as a bad person. Boy, was he surprised when I didn't have a problem with the porn - only with the secrets! I hated feeling like he didn't trust me enough to tell me.

So we've talked about it on and off over the years, and eventually came up with a list of ground rules that apply to each of us equally:

1. Nothing illegal (children, animals, etc)

2. Free material only - we don't want some scuzzbag getting a hold of our credit card numbers

3. No downloads without running a virus scan - our computers are networked, and I don't want something he downloaded wiping out my thesis notes!

4. No lies. Our tastes don't overlap 100% - there's stuff I like to look at that doesn't turn him on, and there are things he looks at that don't turn me on, and that's human and normal - but we do. not. lie. to each other about what we've been looking at or watching.

5. No interaction. Movies, pictures, stories, it's all good. But once there's a person responding - phone sex, webcam chats, cybersex, whatever - it's no longer ok.

and the one we found was the most important rule of all:

6. As soon as one of us starts to use porn as an avoidance technique or replacement for something missing in the marriage, instead of an enhancement, we have to regroup and figure out what's really going on. It's not ok to turn down your real life partner and then go use porn - that's when resentment can really start to build.

He's still working through some shame issues - any toys or videos we own I've bought - but the more sexual communication we have, the better our relationship gets.
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#36 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 06:02 PM
 
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When I was seething to conceive, and dh wasn't in the mood, I asked him to go turn on one of the "adult" channels. I distinctly remember him looking at me askance and saying, "so you're ordering me to watch porn." Yup, need to get the job done :

Anyway, I don't care - it's not an obsession, and in some ways it takes the pressure off me. I think it is his private thing as long as he keeps it private and doesn't physically go outside of the marriage.
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#37 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 06:04 PM
 
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I have no problem with porn in theory, and would watch it with DH (if we ever had time). As far as I'm concerned what dh does on his own time and with his own body are his private fantasy life and are not my buisines. I would be sketched out by a lot of money being spent (especially impulsively) and anything violent/derogotory (beyond the usual, I mean who are we kidding?)

It's just one of those things I think like drinking or drugs or gambling, where some people can enjoy it in moderation and some people develop problems.

However, I hava major problem with the sexist implications that a)men need women to have sexual release. I'm pretty sur emen masturbated before the printing press was invented. b)that masturbation is a replacement for sex. c)that "allowing" men to view porn keeps them from cheating, either you respect the boundaries of your relationship or you don't, one has nothing to do with the other. and c)that sometimes you just can't help yourself. Women have sexual desires just like men, and while I get randy it would never cross my mind to dump the kids on dh the moment he walks in the door, leave dinner uncooked and just march into the office to masturbate. Are you kidding? Ummmm any grownup can wait a few hours.

So like I said DH can do what he wants on his own time. His own time being either when the kids are sleeping and the brunt of the chores have been done, or the time we give each other (equally) where one of us takes both the kids and the other gets to be alone. He cannot run off to view porn (or read or play vids or anything) when I'm knee high in dirty dishes and squalling kids, to me that is just disrespectful of your partner.
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#38 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 06:59 PM
 
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I don't mind DH looking at porn at all. But I would mind if he was ignoring me in the bedroom in favour of the computer. That hasn't happened, so we're good. As long as I don't come home to find him looking at pterodactyl videos on pornotube, that is.

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#39 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 07:13 PM
 
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I'm in my last trimester, and man...I'm SO glad DH likes porn! I really couldn't care less if he was spending money on it. I spend money on stuff for me (well, baby stuff...cloth diapers, etc), and he's the "breadwinner" so to speak. As long as our entire savings doesn't go for porn flicks, I'm cool. The "legal" aspect isn't a problem, because if he was really into that kind of thing, we wouldn't be together.

The only issue I have is if I see what he's watching. I can't handle participating, so to speak. I get jealous that way and upset, and it's just better off for me to be in another room on MDC.

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#40 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 07:48 PM
 
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Another mom here-

I don't care if dh looks at porn- bought him a sub to playboy earlyish in our relationship. He looks at porn like I look at MDC. My only 'restrictions' are - nothing illegal, no money being spent, no 'interaction' like chats, etc., and nothing the kids can see (he's got things pretty well hidden on 'his' computer so they can't get to it.

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#41 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 07:56 PM
 
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I find it so terribly funny that this polite little discussion about porn is titled "not for the faint of heart" when we host discussions here all the time about cervical mucus, poop the consistency of peanut butter and how to clean it off the wall, the bloodiness and mutilated qualities of a recently circumcised infant penis, and third degree natural vaginal tears that get closed with sutures.

My $.02 ... I'm fine with him watching it, what I hate is sneakiness and not sharing. If he's telling me his libido is low, he doesn't feel sexy, or otherwise rejects me sexually, then I find he's watching porn instead, OOOOO ! Otherwise, it's cool. I like being in on it, is all.
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#42 of 113 Old 06-15-2007, 11:28 PM
 
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I want my porn back!

I had a vintage, 1979 Playboy in PERFECT shape (found in a box in the basement of the rental house of a friend of mine). It had a Bond girl on the cover and (!!!) a poem by Shel Silverstein in it, called "The Ballad of Gimmesome Roy". I am a huge Shel fan, so I kept this magazine on my bookshelf next to all my Shel books.

Then my little brother's rat bastard friend TOOK my Playboy.

"Why's your sister need a Playboy?" :

Okay, back on topic. I'm not that into porn. Shaved, fakebaked, oiled bodies don't do it for me. As long as everyone is a truly consenting adult, I have no problem with it. (However, I do wonder why prostitution is only legal if someone is filming it. )

I do think there's more to it than what there appears, tho'. I saw an ABC News interview with Belladonna that made me : .

So long as everyone is decent, and non-exploitative of others (both makers and consumers of porn), I think it's fine.

I had a boyfriend who was not addicted to porn, he was addicted to masturbating. So I think that the whole "porn addiction" thing is a little... um... over diagnosed. I think, like Dan Savage says, some guys just get so used to using a death grip that they can't ... ahem... function any other way.

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#43 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 01:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Corri View Post
A couple of years into our relationship I found out that my DH had been looking at porn and writing really erotic short stories for his own entertainment - boy, was I pissed! The ratbag wasn't sharing!

He grew up in a home where sex was shameful, and so he'd assumed that his erotica was dirty and horrible and marked him as a bad person. Boy, was he surprised when I didn't have a problem with the porn - only with the secrets! I hated feeling like he didn't trust me enough to tell me.

So we've talked about it on and off over the years, and eventually came up with a list of ground rules that apply to each of us equally:

1. Nothing illegal (children, animals, etc)

2. Free material only - we don't want some scuzzbag getting a hold of our credit card numbers

3. No downloads without running a virus scan - our computers are networked, and I don't want something he downloaded wiping out my thesis notes!

4. No lies. Our tastes don't overlap 100% - there's stuff I like to look at that doesn't turn him on, and there are things he looks at that don't turn me on, and that's human and normal - but we do. not. lie. to each other about what we've been looking at or watching.

5. No interaction. Movies, pictures, stories, it's all good. But once there's a person responding - phone sex, webcam chats, cybersex, whatever - it's no longer ok.

and the one we found was the most important rule of all:

6. As soon as one of us starts to use porn as an avoidance technique or replacement for something missing in the marriage, instead of an enhancement, we have to regroup and figure out what's really going on. It's not ok to turn down your real life partner and then go use porn - that's when resentment can really start to build.

He's still working through some shame issues - any toys or videos we own I've bought - but the more sexual communication we have, the better our relationship gets.
i wish we had more communication like that.. she cosleeps, so its a rarity for us to communicate like that
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#44 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 01:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have no problem with porn in theory, and would watch it with DH (if we ever had time). As far as I'm concerned what dh does on his own time and with his own body are his private fantasy life and are not my buisines. I would be sketched out by a lot of money being spent (especially impulsively) and anything violent/derogotory (beyond the usual, I mean who are we kidding?)

It's just one of those things I think like drinking or drugs or gambling, where some people can enjoy it in moderation and some people develop problems.

However, I hava major problem with the sexist implications that a)men need women to have sexual release. I'm pretty sur emen masturbated before the printing press was invented. b)that masturbation is a replacement for sex. c)that "allowing" men to view porn keeps them from cheating, either you respect the boundaries of your relationship or you don't, one has nothing to do with the other. and c)that sometimes you just can't help yourself. Women have sexual desires just like men, and while I get randy it would never cross my mind to dump the kids on dh the moment he walks in the door, leave dinner uncooked and just march into the office to masturbate. Are you kidding? Ummmm any grownup can wait a few hours.

So like I said DH can do what he wants on his own time. His own time being either when the kids are sleeping and the brunt of the chores have been done, or the time we give each other (equally) where one of us takes both the kids and the other gets to be alone. He cannot run off to view porn (or read or play vids or anything) when I'm knee high in dirty dishes and squalling kids, to me that is just disrespectful of your partner.
hmm yes, im sure men had their moments before the press. and waaay before that, women (according to the past) probably had their place as something for men to do when they needed it.
and masturbation IS a replacement for sex. how many nights i'd love to be with my wife and when i go in the bedroom (not ours anymore), shes got a kid on either side almost EVERY night. hmmm what happens when i try to stir her? oh! the anti-lovemking sensors go haywire!! screaming kids not that its their fault. sooo hmmm. what to do now? oh, my old friend and stand-by mr. 'net.
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#45 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 01:39 AM
 
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I really don't care. But I would like to be included, since I enjoy it. :
And really being compared to the pics...doesn;t work so well for me either.

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#46 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 01:48 AM
 
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I dont care if my dh watches porn. I got bored with it super fast tho. I have to say tho that my dh does now fine "release" with it. For him it is just something to watch.

 
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#47 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 02:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And really being compared to the pics...doesn;t work so well for me either.

so what makes you think you're being compared? maybe it's like how it is with me. maybe hes just looking for something to release to.
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#48 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 02:02 AM
 
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another woman here. The subscriptions to playboy and maxim magazine come in my name to this house. I had frequent flyer miles to use up, and got a bunch of free magazines.

I think as long as both parties have a healthy view of sex, there really are no issues with porn. I wouldn't mind if my DP watched porn. But as far as I know the magazines are all he spends time with, and he does spend time with them. cough cough. We tried getting one of those pay per view movies in Vegas (my idea) and it was so lame it just made us laugh, and didn't really add to the foreplay like I had expected.

I completely understand the reasons why many women see porn as demeaning, because it is really objectification. But in many ways I too like being objectified. I love it when DP says things like "You look really beautiful" or hot or sexy tonight.

However there are those who develop an unhealthy addiction to pornography. And that can be a huge marriage issue. Same as people who have an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
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#49 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 02:03 AM
 
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And really being compared to the pics...doesn;t work so well for me either.
Ouch! has your DP done that? Because if so, that's an issue, a major one. He needs to have a few things explained to him.
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#50 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 04:14 AM
 
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My dp likes watching midget porn :


Doesn't bother me as long as its legal and free
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#51 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 04:33 AM
 
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yet another wife and mother here...i definitely have mixed feelings about porn. i think it's great as a "marital aid" and it's good when i have a "headache" but there is definitely a line that DH has crossed, such as when DS was a newborn and obviously there was no action going on...DH would get home from work around midnight and instead of taking the crying baby so i could sleep for the couple hours before he came to bed, he would go right for the porn...not cool.

anyway, my point is that men are definitely entitled to their jollies but it's important to be sensitive about it. everyone in the marriage needs to feel ok about things or at least compromise.

i als don't buy that there's no harm as long as the DH meets all his other responsibilities. i think that too much or too graphic material is desensitizing and that's not fair to old wifey. it can lead to the hubby's needs changing separately from the wife's and i think it's important for the couple to grow together in that regard, iykwim...i would be horrified if suddenly DH wanted to try something really far out from our norm (don't get me wrong, a little adventure is great). i'd be much more likely to try something new if we had both come to that point together either from a natural evolution of our own activity or from watching porn together.

oh, and i'll admit i watch porn on my own ~ everyone needs "alone time"
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#52 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 12:53 PM
 
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My dh used to look at porn. I told him it bothered me and he quit. Plus we were both changing spiritually and I think he started to see how damaging it can be for everyone involved (which I'm not willing to argue about). I can't imagine how hurt I would've been if he had argued with me. So not liking porn makes me prudish, anti-sex, and means dh and I have a horrible relationship, from what I've heard. If he looked at it now I'd be upset, not only offended on a personal level but because pornography and masturbation are against our religious beliefs (and I'm not arguing about that, either). Dh works third shift and with 2 kids we don't get to "couple" a whole lot, but we both agree that having to wait some makes for really good sex!

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My dp likes watching midget porn
Midget is considered offensive by most LP and "midget porn" is so offensive I don't know where to start. But it basically amounts to gawking over the naked weirdos.
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#53 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 01:00 PM
 
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Woman here, and yes I do mind. My first marriage failed because my ex had a porn addiction that was much more important than I was. He tried to turn me into the women he watched. I won't deal with that again.

So I found a man who doesn't care about porn and thinks its pretty stupid. (yes, those men do exist )

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#54 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 02:49 PM
 
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so what makes you think you're being compared? maybe it's like how it is with me. maybe hes just looking for something to release to.
Well, I don't know. I guess I think that I should be enough. If he needs something to release to obviously something is not right. I can do whatever it is he needs me to do....

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#55 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 02:51 PM
 
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Ouch! has your DP done that? Because if so, that's an issue, a major one. He needs to have a few things explained to him.

He says he doesn't. I guess it is my own insecurities about myself that lead me to think that he does...

Mama to 14yo, 9yo, 7yo, and babe born 9/2012
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#56 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 06:43 PM
 
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I do not like my husband watching porn. Mostly it is an example thing for my son. I know that it is inevitable that my son will find a stash, download or other cache or porn and that is not the kind of perspective I want him to take on sex and women. Not only would this tell him that it is ok b/c daddy does it but it would be implicit that it must be ok b/c mommy puts up with it.

I also have issues with the exploitation of those girls who are not emotionally stable. Having had close interactions with sexually abused girls I know that such a background can lead to this sort of lifestyle. Often in an abusive household a child will leave early to avoid further abuse and in so doing is desperate for both money and affection. It is easy to see how this kind of person could be lured into pornography. I have also been to seminars and talks about the sex trade and how underpriviliged girls from other countries are pretty much forced into doing these sorts of things. Try thinking of this while you get your "release" and you may see where my dislike of porn comes from.

As a note, I am not a prude, don't mind nudity, etc. Sex is not a dirty thing to me. However, I don't think that it is a good idea to establish sexual arousal and satisfaction with this sort of emotionally disconnected, consequentless material. And I must pose a question: how different do your morals have to be from your partner's before you have problems in your marriage? And how does such a difference affect the way your children will be raised?

I hope I have not appeared to pass a negative judgement on the rest of the PPs or the OP. I am interested to hear any responses you all may have. Thank you for opening this can of worms.
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#57 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 07:22 PM
 
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Another woman here, obviously.

I will not allow it in our house, he knows my feelings on this, but sneaks it in anyway (on the computer when I'm gone, even for 15 minutes!!). And I'm still hurt over it. But he doesn't really care about my feelings, otherwise he wouldn't do it.

And it's not something I want my sons or daughters thinking is "normal", because it's not. And I feel the same way as midstreammama does too.

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#58 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 07:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mommyofmany View Post
Another woman here, obviously.

I will not allow it in our house, he knows my feelings on this, but sneaks it in anyway (on the computer when I'm gone, even for 15 minutes!!). And I'm still hurt over it. But he doesn't really care about my feelings, otherwise he wouldn't do it.

And it's not something I want my sons or daughters thinking is "normal", because it's not. And I feel the same way as midstreammama does too.
sorry, just wanted to ask for a clarify. What are you saying is not normal, a DH who doesn't care about your feelings on an issue or porn?
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#59 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 08:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by artgoddess View Post
sorry, just wanted to ask for a clarify. What are you saying is not normal, a DH who doesn't care about your feelings on an issue or porn?
Both, actually. I ask DH why he does it, but he never answers me, just ignores me, like he's saying, "Duh, think about it, you're a big fat cow!". At least that's what I think he's thinking. He gets pissed when I put blocks on websites, or the TV. All I want is a little respect.

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#60 of 113 Old 06-16-2007, 08:38 PM
 
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I'm really sorry he is not communicating with you about this. I don't feel the same way you do about porn being wrong, but I can imagine if my DP was doing something I had issue with behind my back and refusing to talk with me about how it made me feel, I would be crushed. I hope you two can get past this.

I also wanted to add that I'm sure that his watching porn has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. There are men who are married to the most beautiful, and sexual women int he world who have addictions to porn. It's not a replacement for a relationship, and he's not seeking something to replace you. So please don;t think that it has anything to do with you, or your own body image. I'd guess he doesn't exactly measure up to whatever male movie star you find to be sexy, right?
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