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and i'm sure i'll get banned off of here but *gasp* me and DH have went to a strip joint together TWICE and *super gasp* i had fun!
Mom to Liv (9/07) and Nora (2/11)
A couple of years into our relationship I found out that my DH had been looking at porn and writing really erotic short stories for his own entertainment - boy, was I pissed! The ratbag wasn't sharing!
He grew up in a home where sex was shameful, and so he'd assumed that his erotica was dirty and horrible and marked him as a bad person. Boy, was he surprised when I didn't have a problem with the porn - only with the secrets! I hated feeling like he didn't trust me enough to tell me.
So we've talked about it on and off over the years, and eventually came up with a list of ground rules that apply to each of us equally:
1. Nothing illegal (children, animals, etc)
2. Free material only - we don't want some scuzzbag getting a hold of our credit card numbers
3. No downloads without running a virus scan - our computers are networked, and I don't want something he downloaded wiping out my thesis notes!
4. No lies. Our tastes don't overlap 100% - there's stuff I like to look at that doesn't turn him on, and there are things he looks at that don't turn me on, and that's human and normal - but we do. not. lie. to each other about what we've been looking at or watching.
5. No interaction. Movies, pictures, stories, it's all good. But once there's a person responding - phone sex, webcam chats, cybersex, whatever - it's no longer ok.
and the one we found was the most important rule of all:
6. As soon as one of us starts to use porn as an avoidance technique or replacement for something missing in the marriage, instead of an enhancement, we have to regroup and figure out what's really going on. It's not ok to turn down your real life partner and then go use porn - that's when resentment can really start to build.
He's still working through some shame issues - any toys or videos we own I've bought - but the more sexual communication we have, the better our relationship gets.
I have no problem with porn in theory, and would watch it with DH (if we ever had time). As far as I'm concerned what dh does on his own time and with his own body are his private fantasy life and are not my buisines. I would be sketched out by a lot of money being spent (especially impulsively) and anything violent/derogotory (beyond the usual, I mean who are we kidding?)
It's just one of those things I think like drinking or drugs or gambling, where some people can enjoy it in moderation and some people develop problems.
However, I hava major problem with the sexist implications that a)men need women to have sexual release. I'm pretty sur emen masturbated before the printing press was invented. b)that masturbation is a replacement for sex. c)that "allowing" men to view porn keeps them from cheating, either you respect the boundaries of your relationship or you don't, one has nothing to do with the other. and c)that sometimes you just can't help yourself. Women have sexual desires just like men, and while I get randy it would never cross my mind to dump the kids on dh the moment he walks in the door, leave dinner uncooked and just march into the office to masturbate. Are you kidding? Ummmm any grownup can wait a few hours.
So like I said DH can do what he wants on his own time. His own time being either when the kids are sleeping and the brunt of the chores have been done, or the time we give each other (equally) where one of us takes both the kids and the other gets to be alone. He cannot run off to view porn (or read or play vids or anything) when I'm knee high in dirty dishes and squalling kids, to me that is just disrespectful of your partner.
yet another wife and mother here...i definitely have mixed feelings about porn. i think it's great as a "marital aid" and it's good when i have a "headache" but there is definitely a line that DH has crossed, such as when DS was a newborn and obviously there was no action going on...DH would get home from work around midnight and instead of taking the crying baby so i could sleep for the couple hours before he came to bed, he would go right for the porn...not cool.
anyway, my point is that men are definitely entitled to their jollies but it's important to be sensitive about it. everyone in the marriage needs to feel ok about things or at least compromise.
i als don't buy that there's no harm as long as the DH meets all his other responsibilities. i think that too much or too graphic material is desensitizing and that's not fair to old wifey. it can lead to the hubby's needs changing separately from the wife's and i think it's important for the couple to grow together in that regard, iykwim...i would be horrified if suddenly DH wanted to try something really far out from our norm (don't get me wrong, a little adventure is great). i'd be much more likely to try something new if we had both come to that point together either from a natural evolution of our own activity or from watching porn together.
oh, and i'll admit i watch porn on my own ~ everyone needs "alone time"
|My dp likes watching midget porn|
Autistic pagan mama with five kiddos on the spectrum, learning through living life.
Ouch! has your DP done that? Because if so, that's an issue, a major one. He needs to have a few things explained to him.
Another woman here, obviously.
I will not allow it in our house, he knows my feelings on this, but sneaks it in anyway (on the computer when I'm gone, even for 15 minutes!!). And I'm still hurt over it. But he doesn't really care about my feelings, otherwise he wouldn't do it.
And it's not something I want my sons or daughters thinking is "normal", because it's not. And I feel the same way as midstreammama does too.
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