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#1 of 90 Old 01-07-2008, 05:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My amazing dh was brave enough to fall in love with someone 18+ yrs younger, and though his first two children are grown and having his Grandchildren he wanted to start a family with me.

We have a 17mo and we are 32 and 50 right now.

Anyone else out there, starting over, learning again, treading the waters of fatherhood and grandfatherhood. Anyone else out there happy yet worried they are crazy to have gone back to the beginning... Anyone else struggling with dreams of retirement and nightmares of college tuition colliding?

I'd love to hear from you and forward your thought to dh.

Personally I think it takes an amazing, open spirit to allow life to happen at you in this way - and very brave to set aside others opinions and perhaps your own sense of forboding. I maintain that none of us can ever promise that we will be here tomorrow... kwim.

Tea drinking Momma::: Grady 8/06 and : Coralynn 8/09
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#2 of 90 Old 02-08-2008, 11:43 AM
 
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My DH is 16 years older than me.I'm 38, he's 54. I have a son from a previous marriage(8yo) and DH & I have a 4yo dd. He was never married before. He was very determined to NOT get married until he felt ready/or the right one came along (ME!) He saw all his friends getting married in their 20's and he thought the majority of them were crazy. Just going along with what society called "normal". That;s what everybody did. He also didn't want to do what his father did. Work SO much and never enjoy his family.
So he waited. We are so happy. We balance eachother perfectly. We're best friends. I forget about our age difference. I think most people make way too big a deal out of age anyway.
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#3 of 90 Old 02-08-2008, 11:51 AM
 
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My husband and I are 15 years apart. When we were engaged some people questioned us and I said `Love doesn`t ask to see your birth certificate`. The truth is he is very young looking and so when we first started dating I thought he was only a couple of years older than me!

We have been married for over 20 years and I am now 47 and he is 62. He had not been married before and had no children and neither did I. I was 30 and he was 45 when we had our first child. I wouldn`t change a thing - he is my best friend and a great dad !
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#4 of 90 Old 02-08-2008, 05:42 PM
 
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I'm interested in discussion of this family dynamic, too! My DH is turning 53 in April, & I'm 40 - our kids are 21 months & 6 1/2 months (we were married for 14 years before deciding that it was time to quit putting off deciding on starting a family).
Not only is retirement looming along w/college for our girls, DH really wants to go back to school & get a masters in something he enjoys (very unhappy w/career), & we are looking at buying a house using the (small) insurance settlement we got from losing the entire contents of our (rented) home during the wildfires last year. The age difference itself isn't a problem, but it's difficult to be sort of "starting out" at a later age than most.

: : SAHM to : (5/06), : (7/07) Plus : & a few
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#5 of 90 Old 02-09-2008, 12:34 PM
 
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My DH is 59 and I'm 31. We have two daughters, 4yo and 2yo. He also has two adult daughters from his first marriage and two granddaughters. I am going back to school now, so when I get a job he can retire and be a stay-at-home dad. So I guess I am his retirement plan. I guess the weird part about it for me is that I have to prepare myself financially and mentally to be a single mother. I have to be a realist, since he is 59 with diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Another thing I've noticed is that it's hard for us to find another couple to befriend. I have a lot of female friends in a local playgroup for the girls and I, but he really doesn't have any friends (and to be honest, I don't think he wants any beyond the occasional person to talk to at work).

For those mothers who are married to older men who have older children, do you find that your DH is kinda "stuck" in the "old" methods of parenting? I feel that every time I suggest parenting differently than he and his ex did with his older children, he kind of gets offended. For instance, he still wants blind obedience from the kids, and he wants them to essentially be forced to take naps just because of how old they are. DD1 stopped taking naps a while ago and does fine without a nap, but he thinks that because she is 4 she automatically needs a nap.

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#6 of 90 Old 02-09-2008, 12:43 PM
 
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I do have to say that DD2 BFed until she was nearly 3 1/2 and DD2 is still BFing and he has been nothing but entirely supportive. Both girls co-sleep with us and he has supported that too. Although he is starting to get sick of the 4yo in bed, but so am I. So I didn't want it to sound like I'm bashing his parenting. It's usually just conflict on the minor things in parenting...

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#7 of 90 Old 02-16-2008, 12:19 AM
 
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I guess I'm late to this party, but I couldn't not participate. I'm 28, and my husband is 59. He is so excited about these babies we're having! And he's very much on board with 95% of the natural parenting concepts that I've raised. In fact, although I have fully stocked up on cloth diapers, he wants to try EC! He'll be at home with them more than I will, so I have promised to support him in this arena

Mama to twins Wren and Robin, 3/3/08.
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#8 of 90 Old 02-16-2008, 10:53 AM
 
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Awesome thread! DP is 45 and I'm 30. We're expecting a little girl in August. He is thrilled and always wanted more children but couldn't have them with his ex because she became mentally ill after their first child was born. We want at least 2 more kids together after this baby in Aug. I have a 4 yr old from a previous marriage too. DP is on board with gentle discipline, homebirth, no vax, etc. He did take some convincing because its very different than how he was raised. Blind obedience was how his mother and father did things too. As far as retirement and college savings goes, we are fortunate to both have nice incomes and will have pension if we retire from the local government where we work now. The plan is for DP to stay and retire from his current job so at least he'll have a pension check and I'll continue to receive 1/2 that amount when he passes away. If I can bare to stay at my current job for another 29 years then I too will have a nice pension check to look forward to. We are also saving additional money to supplement our retirement. We'll be starting college savings plans such as an educational IRA or a 529 plan to help pay for college soon too. Our ultimate dream would be for me to retire or semi-retire at the same time DP does so we can travel and enjoy the last years we have together. He is my best friend. I never imagined I would find someone 15 years older than me yet still have so much in common. Its been a wonderful journey so far.
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#9 of 90 Old 02-16-2008, 01:54 PM
 
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I wanted to chime in from perspective. My parents were both 39 when I was born. They already had 15, 13, 12, year old children when I came along. They had planned on having 4 kids, but after a couple miscarriages they were told my Mom couldn't have any more children.

OOPS then I came along.

I have heard people in the past say "what about the kids" when it comes to older people having children. I heard a family member worry when his wife was expecting when he was in his late 40's.

I never felt like my parents were "old". In fact my dad credits me being born for him staying young, and healthy. At 70 he looks like he is in his 50's. I'm not trying to down younger parents, or say I had it better, but in a way I think older parents have a greater view of the world, and of parenting. I guess also because my parents had been threw it before. But I had a different dad than my siblings. Laid back, gentle, my parents talked to me instead of barking orders. My siblings have always reminded me I got the more settled down version of parents than they had.

About illness that could take place with age. That did happen with my Mom, she passed a couple years ago due to complications of diabetes, but not simply because she had diabetes, but because she didn't take it seriously. I have another friend who's parents had her older in life, and her dad has had diabetes for 20 years, and is in excellent health. Keep active with your kids, watch your diet.

I was extremely blessed to have parents who were older than your average parents. Reading this thread make me happy. Thanks for sharing.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#10 of 90 Old 02-23-2008, 07:31 AM
 
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Ooh ooh ooh. I/we don't actually "qualify" for this thread, but I'm very interested to read anything on this topic. There is a ~16 year age difference between myself and DP (me=younger), but he's only pushing 40. I'll leave it at that b/c I don't want to derail the thread too much from its original purpose, but I'm curious about these things as well. So far, none of it has mattered, but sometimes I do get nervous for the future.

Weirdo Mama to amazing Aurelia, age 9 & Ember Roslyn, age 3!
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#11 of 90 Old 02-23-2008, 11:25 AM
 
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Waving hello!

My husband is much older & we have an almost 4 yr old. All I can say is I wish you all lived near me!


Awesome thread!
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#12 of 90 Old 02-23-2008, 08:07 PM
 
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I'm 22 and my husband is 48. He has a 21 yr old daughter from a previous marriage and we have a 3 yr old daughter and will be home-birthing our second sometime this week or next. He is very supportive-we are extended breastfeeding, diaper free, no vax, co sleeping stay at home mama family.
Great thread-we should all start a yahoo group for couples with significant age differences lol.
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#13 of 90 Old 02-23-2008, 10:25 PM
 
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Glad to meet you all...subbing to this thread.

Anyone live in New England???? If not, please consider moving near me!
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#14 of 90 Old 02-24-2008, 12:35 AM
 
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My dh is 50 and I am 36. He has a 21yo son from a previous relationship who is not in our lives (not our choice) He is a wonderful father and also looks very young! He just went for a haircut and I joked I would have to start wearing pigtails to keep up with his 'young-ness' :

I do think about the future, and the fact there is a very good chance we will not 'grow old together' but I knew that going into the marriage and before we had children and thought 'better to have loved and lost...'

And miasmommy, I am in New England
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#15 of 90 Old 02-24-2008, 01:25 AM
 
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Dh and I are almost there with y'all. He's 44 and I'm 31. We had our first child when he was 41, another at 42, and are having twins in 8 days. His father was 40+ when his first was born so I didn't seem *late* to dh. Dh has basically retired and is an amazing stay at home dad.
I worry about retirement more than college tuition. Heck, I'd be happy with health insurance... But we take it one day at a time. We have no problem with starting late, as it were. We rest easy with the belief that God gives us what we can handle.
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#16 of 90 Old 02-24-2008, 02:57 AM
 
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Heya, mamas! I'm 40, dh is 56, and we have a 9.5yo and a 3yo. He was 47 when dd was born, and 53 when ds was born, and we've been together 10.5 yrs. YAY!

I live in NY, I'm envisioning a wonderful get together of NE mamas and papas and babes! Woohoo!

I hear people refer to JAC as a grandfather a lot of times, he does have the big grey beard right now (for winter), but he doesn't mind TOO much. He has a wonderful personality to take that kind of guff.

I too have found that he can be a bit of a stick in the mud on some issues that seem so common sense to me...then again, there are some things he does with aplumb and much gusto that I balk at (usually end of the day blues for me), so I think we balance each other well. Ramama, I think that's what I'd look for in your dh, those things that he bringst to the table so that when he has a need for the kids to do something that you feel is going against the grain, you can bring back those feelings of how much he contributes etc. and let go of the stuff that isn't working so well for you. As long as it isn't 'hurting' your kids, I wouldn't push too hard. In all likliehood they won't care that much about it one way or the other - and it gives you the chance to pick the battles you feel are most worth fighting for, in situations when your values and his clash. Hopefully that is helpful, but it's a good topic to discuss here! Hopefully we can flesh it out more.

Mama to B and O , wife to J and me to me! :
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#17 of 90 Old 02-24-2008, 05:31 PM
 
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Joining. back to post more later!

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#18 of 90 Old 02-25-2008, 02:44 PM
 
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Wow - this place does have a place for everyone!

I am 36, dh is 51 - so 15 years difference. We have been married for 7.5 years - and have four kiddos - 5, 4, 2, and 8.5 months. He was married previously but didn't have any kiddos.

He is an awesome dad, and a great husband - I did well!!!

We don't have too many social issues to balance - most of his friends have high school kiddos, or beyond but all love coming to our wild little house to get their kiddo fix. Many of his friends have admitted that they wished they had more little ones. He does get a few comments about having so many little ones at his age - but many make funny comments.

Age thing - he is young and very healthy so I am not too worried about what may happen. (His mom passed away at 54 from ALS - so you never know what will happen in life.) Regardless, I wasn't going to say no to the person I loved because something might happen in 30 years.

His biggest thing though - five year olds like to rank things - so he is well known to be the oldest dad in her class (it drives him mad!)

Glad to see I am not so unusual!!!!
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#19 of 90 Old 02-26-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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My DP isn’t a dad yet, but we are 29 and 50. We have no children so he would be a first-time father at 51+.

I'm so glad this thread exists!
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#20 of 90 Old 02-26-2008, 04:56 PM
 
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I am glad we have a nice thread going.

We used to live in an urban setting where it was more diverse. I feel like out here in the 'burbs it's more "mainstream couples" & we stick out more.

My daughter is turning 4 so she really has no idea that her Dad is older. It's interesting to think about when she will realize that. She is totally into the fact that she has 3 older half siblings that don't live with us. My husband's grandkids are really her nephews & nieces but they all call each other "cousins".

Well, those are my thoughts for the day!
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#21 of 90 Old 02-26-2008, 05:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by miasmommy View Post
I am glad we have a nice thread going.

We used to live in an urban setting where it was more diverse. I feel like out here in the 'burbs it's more "mainstream couples" & we stick out more.

My daughter is turning 4 so she really has no idea that her Dad is older. It's interesting to think about when she will realize that. She is totally into the fact that she has 3 older half siblings that don't live with us. My husband's grandkids are really her nephews & nieces but they all call each other "cousins".

Well, those are my thoughts for the day!


(Bolded) that’s my fear as well. We're thinking about moving away from the Bay Area; actually California period, and I have that fear. Even when we visit more remote areas of this state for vacations, we are pretty accepted and don’t really stick out. When we travel outside CA (aside from NYC and a few other large cities) we definitely stick out more.

We are a bi-racial couple with a 21 year age difference and it doesn’t help that a LOT of people I first meet think I'm 19 (no matter how "grown-up" I dress). He doesn’t look 50 but he definitely looks older than I am.
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#22 of 90 Old 02-26-2008, 11:43 PM
 
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My dh and I are 25 years apart in age - I'm 27 and he's 53. We have a 3 week old ds, and he was born six days before dh's 53rd birthday. He also has an almost 19 year old dd, who's in her 2nd year at university.

It takes a special spirit to be open to parenthood and starting over at a later age, but I have to say, it has been amazing to experience everything so far with him, and to see what a youthfulness it brings out of him.

I'm definitely looking forward to where this thread will go, and am glad to have found it!
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#23 of 90 Old 02-27-2008, 04:56 PM
 
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Hi ,

My dh and I have 3 children together. He was married before but had no children. He is 56 and I am 37 and we are 19 years apart. Our kids are 7, almost 6 and newly turned 3, (:yesterday). We have been married for 8 years, but have known each other for 16 years.

I am enjoying this thread .

:SaHM to 3 *DD* DD2 * DS
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#24 of 90 Old 02-28-2008, 12:47 AM
 
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Hi there. I am 26 and dp is 40. I have one son and dp is going to be a daddy for the first time in June. Subbing to this thead.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#25 of 90 Old 02-28-2008, 12:55 AM
 
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i'm 39, he's 57. our DD will be 2 in april. he's also got two grown kids from his first marriage, they're 28 and 30, each with one child.

personally, i don't think much about the age difference. DH is physically strong with the "forever young" attitude, so he doesn't seem "old". some would say i'm an "older" first time mom, but honestly i really don't feel alone. all of my immediate neighbors are in the same age bracket (as me) and the moms i meet out and about are also late 30s, etc.

DH and i have dated for 10 years. our baby was a "surprise" and we didn't get married until after she was born. fortunately, his older children have been quite accepting and supportive of our baby. like someone else said in an earlier post, DH's grandchildren are technically DD's neice and nephew, never mind that they are six and ten years older than her. how did they come around to calling each other cousins? that seems appropriate given the circumstances.

i kinda like having an older husband, personally. i was a married before, married at 23, divorced at 30, no kids. although i loved the guy, he was in a lot of ways still a child, not that all men in their 20s are, but this one was in a lot of ways. now, i have a real man to take care of me, instead of the other way around.

in terms of financially, my DH makes a lot more money now that he is in his later working years, compared to what he used to make when he was younger. this enables me to stay home for a few years and raise DD instead of having to work to pay the mortgage. we have a nice house on a big property, that is in my name because i bought it just before i found out i was pregnant. we don't have a ton of money but we have some savings. DH has set aside some for his children (all three) and then there are accounts in both of our names so i won't be broke if/when something happens to him. of course i plan to return to work at some point anyway, so if i do find myself "single again," say, in my 50's or 60's, well, i think i'll do alright one way or another.

i don't think there's much to regret with loving an "older" man. the sex is good, we both know what we like. he's supportive of my parenting style. i don't think he was too hands-on with the first kids. he's home a lot more with our DD than he ever used to be. he's mentioned how much he enjoys her.

one last thing i will say though is that maybe because i'm home, and maybe because he's older, i've found the expectations for me to be the "june cleaver" wife are sorta there... it's been an adjustment for me. he doesn't ask a lot but he does ask for certain things. dinner ready when he gets home. certain chores done around the house. it took me a while to accept, but now i just work it in my routine. figure it is a cost of "doing business" so to speak, the business being my being home with the baby. in fairness, he does a heavy share of deep cleaning (bathrooms, carpets, etc.) on weekends, and is great, great with outdoor man stuff like snow shoveling, grass cutting, rototilling the garden, heavy weeding, etc.

great thread! would love to hear more! thanks

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#26 of 90 Old 02-28-2008, 10:34 AM
 
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Yup. I've got an older husband too. He's 55 and I'm 43. Our kids are no longer babies...6,11,13. He is feeling the desire to slow down work-wise but is frustrated because we need to support a family. We've had some financial set backs in recent years and we are making ends meet but are no where near "retirement."
I love having a husband older than me for many reasons.
I found so many men my age were still so into bong hits and partying when I was evaluating them as potential fathers. DH had it out of his system. He also has years of great stories from his life as a theater director and street performer during the 70's. He taught Holly Hunter in her freshman acting class at Carnegie Mellon!
Having come of age in the 60's, during the hard core feminist movement, he supports my desire to be a stay at home mom or take over the chiropractic practice and have him stay home. I think the latter is is deepest desire.
Also, he now qualifies for AARP health insurance. We can save money! Lots of good jokes around that one.
Drawbacks? He can be a bit of a codger at times... Contemporary rock and pop is noise, he constantly compares it to The Beatles and Rolling Stones. I've actually heard him say, "Turn that noise down!"
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#27 of 90 Old 02-28-2008, 10:51 AM
 
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#28 of 90 Old 02-28-2008, 02:16 PM
 
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He follows and embraces my parenting decisions although they are different than when he raised his son. I get the notion that he was not too involved in the early years of parenting and sees this as a chance to do it over again. He loves getting on the floor and playing cars with my son and reading countless stories with my daughter. His patience level is much higher than mine for sure.

That's another thing for us, too... Dh's ex was pretty controlling and psychologically abusive. She treated dh like crap, and when it came to parenting, it was her way or the highway. They split when his dd was 12, and the ex played their daughter as a pawn, and when dh refused to play her crazy head games, she kept his dd from him. He refused to stoop to her level, and always took the high ground in not bad mouthing the ex, even when it was in his own defense, and he really didn't get to be as much of a father to her as he truly wanted to be. He cried many, many tears over the loss of the close relationship he had with his daughter. Now that she's an adult, they get along great, but the teen years were pretty rough. When we finally found out we were expecting Aidan, he was thrilled for so many reasons, one huge one being that he could finally be a parent the way he wanted to be, and it was like he was getting a second chance. We have nearly identical ideals for parenting - non circ, non vax, co-sleeping, non-violent discipline, we're both totally AP minded - and we are a team as parents. That's something new to dh, and he's a different man now than he was when his daughter was younger.

I've always wanted to be a SAHM, and being married to an older, well established man with a great career affords me the opportunity to do so. I can't wait until he retires in another 13 years. Our son will be 13 when he retires, and we are home schooling him, so when it comes time for the high school stuff, dh will be here to be a huge part of that. I'm planning to go back to school when dh retires, and Aidan will always have a stay at home parent.

I love this thread!
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#29 of 90 Old 02-28-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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I'm glad I found this thread. Dh and I have 27 years between us, and we have a 16 mo little boy. DS is the first for both of us. DH is very young at heart and very active so I never really think of him as being "old". We always joke that he's living his life backwards, having traveled the world as a youth before finally finishing college at the age of 49, meeting me, getting married, getting a permanant job, and starting a family

Great to hear from people in similar situations!
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#30 of 90 Old 02-29-2008, 05:40 PM
 
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I just figured out that my husband is 28 years older than me

I always was attracted to older men so I think I always knew I would marry one. It's not a "father thing"- its that I've always been sort of an "old soul". My mother used to call me a "little old lady" even when I was little.

My husband is actually leaving for a week long trip & I miss him already. Our daughter just turned four & she will really miss him- he is really the one who plays with her the best... or as she would say " Daddy's more fun than you!.
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