HELP- convince dh to have another child - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 11-06-2003, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
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All you men out there - what would convince you?????

My dh says he doesn't want to have a second child. I am DESPERATE for another, not only for myself but as a companion, friend, playmate, enemy (whatever the day calls for) for my son.

I think he is worried it will be too much work.. He is a fabulous father and loves our son like crazy, but I can't convince him that another would be just as great.

Any advice?? It's breaking my heart.
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#2 of 8 Old 11-06-2003, 11:56 PM
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Hi TOmamma,

Frankly, if you are alone in your desire for a second child, I consider it somewhat of a red flag if you need to convince your DH to want one also. The decison really must be something you both share or it might lead to problems, blame, etc. later.

Kids do need other kids, but they also need a happy family. Having two kids myself, there was nothing I wanted more in life. But three? Hmmmmm. I'm glad my DW and I are in agreement about it.

Good luck

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#3 of 8 Old 11-14-2003, 04:01 AM
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I understand! Almost the same thing has happened to me. Only before we got married, one of the things we talked about was kids, and we both wanted two. Now that we have one he has had second thoughts on having another. He is a wonderful daddy, very involved in everything with dd.

When I brought up the idea of having another his reply was "you can have the new one and Rylee will be mine". After talking about it for a while I realized that he is afraid that he won't have enough love for another child, and he doesn't want to take away from the love he already has for Rylee. That is a scary thought, but I have been told that there is always plenty of love and room in our hearts for more children.

Anyway, he changed his mind when he saw our 2 1/2yo dd playing with a 10 month old little boy. It was so cute, and he realized how good it would be for her.

Don't give up hope! Maybe he just needs a little more time to get used to child #1.

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#4 of 8 Old 11-15-2003, 11:44 AM
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I'd agree that if dh isn't for having another child, then it may not be a good idea to try to convince him to agree.

Does he realise how much you want a second child? Shouldn't that be a fairly sizeable argument to have one?
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#5 of 8 Old 11-17-2003, 11:44 PM
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The question you should be asking yourself is why does he so adamently not desire a second child? There's got to be a (or a few) reason and maybe with some quiet alone time, you two can discuss this life changing decision and arrive at a solution that you both can live with. Maybe it is something as small as (not to belittle it) if you have another child, he will feel stressed or pressured, having another mouth to feed. Or he could be scared that he won't have enough time or love for a second and what would happen to your first child's feelings? That is a common reaction. I and my DH still struggle through some of the "do we have enough time for two kids and us" and our second is two months old. Talk it through, take time for yourselves and let us know what happens. Good luck!
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#6 of 8 Old 12-12-2003, 03:47 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for the advice.

I totally backed off on pressuring him, and I think that helped a lot. I am SO impatient, but I know it has to be his decision or there will be nothing but trouble in the future. We had some good discussions about it, and I think he just needed to feel his wishes were important too.

Maybe it is something as small as (not to belittle it) if you have another child, he will feel stressed or pressured, having another mouth to feed.
I think this is a lot of the problem. He really wants our son to have a sibling, and in theory he thinks another child is a good idea, but the time and money...

I am happy to say, the last time we did the bd, he did it without a condom! (And he didn't just forget!). Who knows if it wil happen again, but at least he's considering it.

Thanks again.
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#7 of 8 Old 04-16-2004, 06:26 PM
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I think the fact that the root of your question is how to "make" someone want something he or she doesn't want is the thing that disturbs me most about your question.

His feelings don't seem to matter to you very much. You want a baby, so you're trying to make it so that he does too.

Now, you could just make small holes in his contraceptives, or lie to him about being on the pill. That'd achieve your goal.

Reverse the roles for a sec. Let's say you didn't want any more, but he did. Doesn't matter that he'd argue it'd be him doing the overtime, him looking after them both when you are sick or away, him crunching the numbers to make sure the finances work out and all you have to do is give birth to it and feed it.... you would resent the mere suggestion that you accept that kind of responsibility when you don't want it.

In fact, IIRC women want the right to not be mothers without having to explain themselves to anyone, and rightly so. Please give men the same courtesy.
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#8 of 8 Old 11-01-2004, 10:51 PM
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after reading all thses posts, I feel sad and glad. It comes down to this. Pressuring someone into doing something they are unsure they want to do it will have tramatic results. results being hatred towards u and the baby. who wants that. I have 5 here and yes it can get tough sometimes for sure. I still want more and so does DW. I had some secong thoughts about having another after number 4. Money, time, love ect. I have realized that your love will grow with every little baby face you look into. And as they get ikder and more playfull it becomes the best feeling in the world. I play with all 5 mow. Its called attack daddt time. I end up with all 5 including my dd at 11months clibing over me. You cannot beat that feeling. Best advice I could give anybody is to just let things happen when they happen. Pushing people into something they are not ready to do will turn them off for sure. The fact that he did not use a condom may indicate that he is in the mindset.... when it happens it will happen. Good luck on ur baby making experience
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