I'm not sure if I'm just sharing this, asking for opinions, or just typing it out to help myself process everything.
I am currently in massage therapy school. I quit my actual massage class (I was taking massage 101 and anatomy and physiology) a couple of weeks ago because I am transferring to a different massage school that is more focused on natural healing vs. spa style massage. I finish anatomy class on Thursday night. My intention was to take the summer off and start at this other school in Sept.
But, the further I get into this pregnancy, the more and more I can feel myself pining for a homebirth. Longing for one. Dreading every single thought about going to the hospital. I picture this birth, and going to the hospital is not a part of it at all! And when I force that into the picture, it's one filled with dread rather than excitement. Don't get me wrong, I will be ecstatic with the baby no matter where or how the birth takes place- but I don't want the birth to be filled with anxiety and dread- it's not good for me or for baby!
With our current situation, we cannot afford homebirth. No way, no how. Our local CNM that attends them does not have malpractice insurance, therefore no insurance covers her services. And I have Medicaid, and it definitely doesn't!
We can't afford it out of pocket. Last year DH's old boss and former business partner sold the business he and DH owned together (a year or so after DH sold his shares of the co.). Little did we know that when this man was supposed to transfer everything to his name in the sell, he left a $5k loan in DH's name. We both trusted him, as we'd known him for years and were friends with him. He has a serious gambling addiction, and we're actually lucky- the woman that bought DH's shares was left with over $50k in debt due to this man's bad business dealings. So...anyway, we had to take a loan out to cover that. That loan is crippling us. It's what is keeping us from being out on our own. It's a low payment compared to some people's payments for cars, mortgages, etc. but to us it's what is standing between us and our own place.
I have a friend in a similar place (just down the street actually
)...her and her boys live with her folks, and she and her boyfriend are trying to save up enough money to move in together. She just got out of college, doesn't have a job yet. We're going to be applying for jobs together this week. Just telemarketing or something similar. Full-time.
Now...I can work until Sept. and start classes like I had planned. That would definitely get us ahead, maybe even pay off our loan. But since we won't move until we have our deposit and at LEAST one month's rent, we wouldn't be able to move yet, and we wouldn't be able to pay for a homebirth.
However, if I put off school until January and work until I'm due, we would be able to move, pay off the loan, AND pay for the homebirth. It'll mean 3 more months of school, which is really nothing (considering that most people tell you not to expect to make enough as a massage therapist to support yourself for at least a year...so financially it's not a huge loss). I'd be starting very soon after the baby is born. But...I can take them to class with me if I need to, and the school is VERY close to my mom's house so she can bring me the baby if I need her to. I've discussed it with the director and she said that they would always be willing to accomodate pumping for me. And I'd be going back in January even if I started in Sept. so it's not like I would have a huge break after baby anyway.
I am just so confused. I'm not concerned about dd while I'm working. She'd be with my parents, and since we live here and I've worked before, she's used to spending time with them and they know how to care for her. It will mean even less time with DH (he works overnights, so we don't see each other often), but that's temporary and we know how to make the most of the little time we have together. I don't like the idea of working, but doing this wil afford me the luxury of being a SAHM the entire time I'm in school (one year), and school is only 2 days a week, so that's good.
I feel like if I don't put off school I'd be being selfish...denying my family the opportunity to be in our own place (and we need that...one room for 3 people on 3 VERY different schedules just doesn't work that well!), making DH put up with a wife who will be on edge because of the hospital birth, and putting more of the financial burden of our family on DH.
But then in the same breath I feel like I'm selfish for wanting to wait. By getting school done sooner with I could possibly find better paying (albeit part-time) work sooner. I also feel that education is very important. But...if it comes down to family or education, I will quite obviously put family first. I always have and I always will!
I feel like I'm being forced to choose between myself and my family, even though logically I know that's not it at all. I have a month to decide what I'm doing...but I'm already anguishing over it now.
: I hate making decisions like this- it's so hard for me to just make a decision and stick with it. I am much much much too indecisive and hard on myself.