guilt about not holding baby all the time? - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-03-2008, 01:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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ugh. i think i read too much AP stuff about nine months in, nine months out, wear or hold baby all the time, and such, so now whenever i'm NOT holding maya i feel like i should be and then i feel super guilty.

maya doesn't even LIKE being held all the time. recently she's discovered how much she likes looking at stuff, and enjoys laying flat on her back or in her bouncy seat and thrashing her arms and legs about. her eyes get all big and she coos and gets really pumped. like right now - i just had a bowl of really hot soup, and i won't wear/hold her while eating hot stuff 'cause i'm a spiller, so i put her in the bouncy. she is SO excited and having the time of her life in there, staring at the world around her and moving her body and being really happy. but i still feel like omg i'm done w/my soup so i should hold her. my mom says i SHOULD put her down here and there, just because she loves looking around and moving her body. she gets fussy when she's really active and being held or worn, and i know if i pick her up now she'll probably be mad at me spoiling her fun, but i'm still like OMG AM NOT HOLDING BABY I R BAD.

i know i should just not feel guilty about stuff like this, and i DO see that she's having fun, and i AM right next to her so i can just scoop her up when she's done being in there or when i need more maya cuddles. but does anyone else feel bad about putting baby down, even if baby feels great about it?

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Old 02-03-2008, 01:51 AM
 
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I sometimes do. Like tonight we put Reyes down to sleep in his crib for one of his naps. He needed it, and DP and I needed a break. Dr Sears book talks about this-with AP you don't have to hold them/wear them all the time-it's about also taking time for yourself and looking at the baby's cues and seeing what they want. Sounds like Maya really enjoys her bouncy seat!

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:20 AM
 
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I think it's a fine balance. If she's happy and enjoys her time out of your arms/sling, I see nothing wrong with it. Reese hangs out in the swing a LOT upstairs because she LOVES the mirror on the top of it and watching the birdies on the mobile going around. But other times she really just wants to be held. As long as you aren't ignoring her needs when she does need that in-arms time I don't see the problem with you and her both enjoying some downtime a few feet away from each other, kwim?
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:35 PM
 
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I too have noticed that Avye is enjoying just hanging out on her own.. I think we have the same swing aglimmeringhope. She is also just enjoying lying on her back on the floor underneath a toy thing (i have no clue what its called) Sometimes I wonder if I should feel guilty because I'm so happy that she isn't on me constantly anymore. But then I go nah, she's happy, she needs to be independent from me some day. And she knows I'm there right beside her 24hrs a day 7 days aweek. I think that it is really good to listen and watch for their cues to be independent as well as watching for their cues for their need to snuggle and to be close. It's a balance, and I think it's just as important to let them know that they can venture out on their own, but also know that they can come back to mama at any time.

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Old 02-03-2008, 02:43 PM
 
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It can be so hard NOT to feel guilty.

I'm gonna say though, I think you have nothing to feel guilty about. I just don't think that holding or wearing the babe non-stop for nine months is ideal for most babes, or practical or possible. Now and then, you need to cook, or have a cup of tea, or eat hot soup. Taking care of yourself is one of the ways that you manage to be a good parent.

And babies often have a grand time flailing around on the floor, or bouncing, or exploring the world outside your arms, with the knowledge that you are there for them when they are ready to come back.
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:58 PM
 
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I do feel guilty, but I still do it. Olivia actually slept in her swing last night (after two hours of inconsolable crying, broken only when I took a bath with her, but restarted as soon as she realized the bath was over) from 8:30-1:30 - I felt bad she wasn't in-arms, but we both got a few hours of great sleep out of it.

We've learned that she loves hanging out on her changing table, just lookin' around. We interact with her there, but sometimes when she's hanging out on the bed or in her bouncy, I just let her do her own thing.
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Old 02-03-2008, 04:17 PM
 
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I feel bad too but I still do it and she likes it. As soon as she starts not liking it, I pick her up.

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Old 02-03-2008, 06:03 PM
 
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Reyes has also really started liking lying on his back looking at lights. He just lies there and coos. It's the cutest thing!

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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Old 02-04-2008, 12:12 AM
 
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I WISH I could put Rhys down. Especially with having to balance his needs and taking care of Elliot too. But since he can't hold his nuk in his mouth by himself (he has palate issues) and screams like doom when he has nothing in his mouth, I pretty much either have to hold him or sit next to him holding his paci in his mouth. It sucks.

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Old 02-04-2008, 12:31 AM
 
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ah, welcome to motherhood: where you can feel guilty about everything!

sometimes i feel guilty when i'm not holding ds. but now that she's becoming aware of her surroundings, she's loving the baby gym, and it's nice to have a break. it's unrealistic to expect that you're going to be able to wear you baby all the time, so don't beat yourself up about it!

when she's fussy, i put her in the moby and she settles. if she's happy in the bouncy or somewhere else, i leave her be. i figure if her disposition is like mine, she needs a break from being held just as much as i need a break from holding her!
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Old 02-04-2008, 08:53 AM
 
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JAck doesnt like the swing, or the bouncy seat, or laying down. I hold him all day long. He doesnt like slings, he screams and screams. But he sleeps in the ergo.

Every once in a while he sleeps hard enough during the day that I can put him down, but I can guarantee he will wake up much sooner then if I kept holding him, sometimes only minutes after putting him down. Typically, because he starts spitting up.

I wish I could just put him down for a few minutes here and there. : I love him and love to cuddle him, but there just arent those moments where I could drink a cup of tea or eat soup.
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Old 02-05-2008, 03:26 PM
 
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I'm the same way, Muffin.

But I can tell, every once in a great while, Yuri needs a few moments of himself to just - spread out.

I'm so bad about the 'baby must feel physical contact at all times, no matter what, or the earth is going to fall out of the sky' thing - that when I grab something that isn't baby-friendly, I feel like I must pass Yuri off to Dp. Which drives DP up the wall, though he loves holding Y as much as I do - he thinks I should just 'put the baby down'.

I R Bad too.
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Old 02-05-2008, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ah, maternal guilt.

right now maya's on her boppy on the bed, mostly asleep (the kid's too wiggly to be really asleep most of the time) and i'm telling myself it is FINE that i'm not holding her because that would wake her up, and that would be super bad.

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Old 02-05-2008, 06:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MmeMuffin View Post
ah, maternal guilt.

right now maya's on her boppy on the bed, mostly asleep (the kid's too wiggly to be really asleep most of the time) and i'm telling myself it is FINE that i'm not holding her because that would wake her up, and that would be super bad.
One thing I've realized as a new mother-no matter what you do, someone is going to find something wrong with it.

BTW-Reyes is asleep in his carseat. I had my 6 week MW appointment today-and he fell asleep on the car ride home. Am I getting him out-yes, but only because we are leaving in about 15 minutes and I'll need to change his diaper. I know he will go right back to sleep when we get back in the car. Otherwise there would not be a chance in he!! that I would get this child up!

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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