Just can't tell anyone..why the anxiety? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 07-30-2007, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I want to appolgize in advance for the length.
So has anyone else not told their family yet? only one of my friends know and my husband recently (like last week) told his mother and sisters. i have not told my family and for some reason i have real anxiety about it. this is pregnancy #3 baby #2 for me and i'm married so there isn't anxiety due to feeling like i'm outside what my family would find exceptable or anything like that. my family just doesn't really talk about pregnancy. i grew up my whole life thinking it was a dirty word or something. my moms parents are like too. my grandmother never discussed being pregnant with any of her children. she had six of them. my mother was in the ninth grade when her youngest brother was born and didn't know my grandmother was pregnant until they brought my uncle home from the hospital. my mom just thought grandma was fat. when i was pregnant the first time i wasn't married and my mother called me a slut and freaked out. the second time and married her responce was, "well did you plan this?" Both of her pregnancies put her in the hospital and i think she also thinks of pregnancy as this terrible experience. i also feel like my family will think we were stupid for having another one since dh only has temporary job right now that may not last until january. they will think we should be more financially prepared. i know that telling them is not really a big deal, but i have just worked myself up about it. i know just like with ds they will love this baby and be excited. i just don't want to deal with thirty minutes or whatever of non-excitement. i also haven't told many of my friends because most of them do not have kids and seemed to treat me differently during my last pregnancy. they didn't call as much, didn't invite me places, etc..until after the birth. i understand this, but this also creates extra anxiety. i also feel like some of them judge me for being a sahm. they think i "should be doing something with my life." which is sad that they think i'm not. anyway...i need to get over this and tell people especially my mother but i just can't seem to do it now. any suggestions? it is still not obvious that i'm pregnant, but it will be very soon, so i am running out of time.
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#2 of 9 Old 07-30-2007, 02:29 PM
 
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What about some sort of neat card, like the one I"ve heard about that talks about the price of the picture, outfits, ect., then the price of the look on your face when you realize there are 4 of us in this picture... priceless That way you woundn't have to "tell" them face to face, you could give them some time to adjust to the idea and get excited. We let my 4 year old tell everyone this time, when I was 7-8 weeks along. I was going to a wedding and knew everyone would be able to tell, I already had a belly! My IL's were REALLY suprised, well, I think everyone was, but my IL's weren't the best reaction possible. FIL just asked when DH was was getting "fixed" and has continued to ask this question several times now, he is not supportive of us having any more children at all, but MIL loves kids, and is excited. She has had a really rough summer losing her mother and I think the news of twins the day after the funeral really helped to pick everyone up, including DH's grandpa who had just lost his wife. I also think that *your* being excited about it will give your mom cues to react by, make it a happy "we are so excited" type thing, so she knows that you are happy about it.

Good luck, I am sure that whatever her reaction is now, she will be excited when New Baby gets here!
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#3 of 9 Old 07-30-2007, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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wonder where i can get that card?
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#4 of 9 Old 07-30-2007, 02:44 PM
 
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Make it on your computer or at Wal-Mart w/ your digi camera! Have someone snap a shot of your family (DH, DS and you) and then make it into a card!
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#5 of 9 Old 07-30-2007, 03:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks i am really liking this idea. now i will just have anxiety about whether or not she has gotten the card and when she will call to let me know. haha. i'll see if i can find a good picture or take one today. i guess that means i will have to take a shower today.
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#6 of 9 Old 07-30-2007, 05:03 PM
 
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So let's see, Kehliouise, your mother grew up in a family where birth and pregnancy conversation was taboo and raised you to believe pregnancy was dirty. When you announced your first pregnancy your mother judged you and condemned you. When you announced your second pregnancy, rather than supporting you and celebrating with you, you're mother basically asked if your child was a mistake. I don't think you should be asking "why the anxiety?" so much as "Why should I ever feel safe sharing news of something as precious and joyous as a coming baby with people who are so hard-hearted they see it as a curse rather than a blessing?"

Don't feel alone. Well you and your DH might be alone IRL but I'm in your "virtual world" boat with decided non-support. This is my eighth pregnancy and seventh child and I didn't want to tell either set of grandparents. They all have thought we had too many children when I was pregnant with my fourth. My mother lives about a 50 minute drive from here and didn't visit until my fifth was a few months old when her friends kept asking about the baby.

With my build I can hide a pregnancy pretty well and didn't have any urge to tell grandparents. From a BIL we got the comment, "Well, congratulations if that's what you guys want" and from an co-worker DH got "You guys are gluttons for punishment, aren't you?" At four months DH said we *had* to tell GPs as keeping the secret longer would cause more hurt feelings. We compromised and I called his mother and he called mine. My mother is far more conscious of boundaries with DH than me. I think DH considered his talking to my mother to be part of his duty to protect his pregnant wife. (So sad that helping my avoid speaking to my mother is reasonably considered protecting me.) We got the deed done and now I'm going to a DH's family event this weekend. I'll dress so that they'll have no idea I'll be 21 weeks.

Anyway, I guess all I really have to say is, "You're right, they're wrong, it sucks, and you're not alone." It's not great but that's the only truth I have to share with you on the topic. I hope you can get some encouragement from it.

~BV

P.S. Since you have no IRL support in this pregnancy (outside your DH), maybe you can try connecting with folks who consider children a blessing like LLL, CCL, some homeschool groups, and such.
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#7 of 9 Old 07-31-2007, 05:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for all the suggestions and support. it really means a lot that you guys took time to respond. it also means a lot that someone else sort of understands not feeling completely supported in the decision to continue to have children.

i went with the idea of the card. i got online last night at walmart.com and designed a card and picked them up this morning. i priority mailed one to my mother so that it will get there before i go home this weekend for my father's birthday. i also mailed one to my sister. i am planning on mailing some more out to friends, just because they were pretty cute. also sending some to family that lives far off. thanks for the idea. i think it will take a lot of the stress off me and it adds a lot of humor to the situation. i told one friend of mine about the cards and now she said she wishes she was pregnant just so she could make cards like that.
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#8 of 9 Old 07-31-2007, 07:15 PM
 
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I delayed telling my parents with ds and with this baby for similar reasons...because pregnancy and sex were horrible dirty awful things in my house, according to my mother, unless you were married. Well, it's hard to erase those messages, even when you ARE married and the pregnancy is intentional. I felt so icky and awkward and like a teenager who'd done something really really wrong when I told my parents I was pg each time. It was really awful. People were so shocked that my parents were the VERY LAST to know each time, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell them and honestly DREADED doing it. I really DID feel like a teenager who'd gotten accidentally pregnant, not a happily married and employed 34 year old woman who got pregnant on purpose. It made my skin crawl when I thought of telling my parents.

So no, you're not a freak for feeling the way you do, not at all. The way I did it each time was just blurted it out on the phone when I felt I could. Tell them face to face? HAH! No way. The card idea is great. Or just blurt it out over the phone.
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#9 of 9 Old 07-31-2007, 09:23 PM
 
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I didn't grow up in an environment where sex and pregnancy was dirty at all and it's still hard for me to tell my family. Part of it is that I get really sick while pg and they don't think it's worth it and the other part of it is I started having kids early and already have three so it just seems crazy to them- why would we want another one. Anyway, I just blurt it out over the phone and get it over with. I waited for a long time with the last one but that didn't make it any easier so this time I decided to tell them early.

If I had thought of it or heard of it, I would totally do the card thing. That's a great idea! Maybe *next time!*

GL

Jessica
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