When PAL, how do you respond to "Is this your first baby?" - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 7 Old 07-31-2007, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
tree-hugger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 696
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks. Now I'm 16 weeks with pg #2. I keep getting asked "Is this your first baby?" I get this question in all kinds of places like yoga class and at work.

How do other people deal with this question? Is there a proper social etiquette on how to answer? Do you just pretend that pg #1 never happened?

TIA
tree-hugger is offline  
#2 of 7 Old 07-31-2007, 08:33 PM
 
matey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: The Greene House gone English Brown
Posts: 2,946
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Most of time I say "I had a miscarriage in November" I have a friend who says, after having three m/c, "This will be the first one we get to keep" or This is the first baby we get to hold."

I dont like pretending the first baby did not exist, it did, and losing the baby was the hardest thing I have ever been through. But, that said, I dont say that to Everyone. For instance, the janitor at the school I teach at. He is so nice, but very hard of hearing, and half the time he doesnt really know what I am saying. I told him I was pregnant twice before he understood. I dont think he needs to know. I can just imagine me yelling it to him, and him still not understanding.

All in all, you need to do what is comfortable for you. That was your baby and your loss, so if you keep it quiet or share needs to be the best decision for you. s
matey is offline  
#3 of 7 Old 07-31-2007, 09:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
tree-hugger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 696
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks Matey! What you describe is pretty much what my inclination is, but miscarriage is so not discussed in our society, that I was afraid that it was some kind of faux paux to mention it, and so your response is really helpful.
tree-hugger is offline  
#4 of 7 Old 07-31-2007, 10:51 PM
 
AngelaB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Des Moines Iowa
Posts: 1,924
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mc was not my first but people do ask how many kids I have and I most always mention the lost one because right after it happened it struck me that no one ever talks about it and what if someone has had a mc and wants to talk, like me, but dont know how or have never heard it mentioned and think its taboo.

I have had many good convos with ladies who seemed releived and happy to talk to someone who knew how they felt which is the same way I felt when I was comforted by 3 different women on the day it happened and one lady had had 3 mc. I was so glad they told me about their experiences and I could tell that they felt a sense of well being after getting it off their chests. I had to grieve first though before I would talk about it with people other than family.

Angela

I also think of that baby as a baby. Babe was just for me to dream about but it was real to me all the same so I think I deserve to own that time in my life before the mc when I was blissfully happy about having anouther baby.
AngelaB is offline  
#5 of 7 Old 07-31-2007, 10:52 PM
 
carmelnap's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 170
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
While I have never personally experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. My friend lost her first child a week before his due date. So when she got pregnant again and people would ask if it was her first, she would explain that she had a child already but that they did not get to keep him. She does not like to pretend that he never exsisted, which is only right because she carried him for nine months.
carmelnap is offline  
#6 of 7 Old 08-01-2007, 11:41 AM
 
matey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: The Greene House gone English Brown
Posts: 2,946
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
AngelaB brings up a great point. Although I have not had it happen, just talking about it could bring great comfort to someone else who has gone through the same thing. One woman I knew had a miscarriage and all through my grieving she never told me. It didnt come out until months later, and after she told me I went to my office and cried. Here was a woman who could have comforted me, who could have made me feel like I wasnt alone, but instead she kept it a secret! It was so upsetting for me. I know maybe the social concerns made her think it had to be a secret, so I understood, but it still hurt!
matey is offline  
#7 of 7 Old 08-01-2007, 01:36 PM
 
klg47's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 1,655
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by tree-hugger View Post
but miscarriage is so not discussed in our society, that I was afraid that it was some kind of faux paux to mention it
Even if it is that way now, I hope we can all make a difference for the future. It should NOT be a faux pas - it just isn't fair to the moms who have to go through it to bear the burden of keeping it secret and hidden.

klg47 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off