Relationships and weight issues (x-posted in personal growth) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 10-12-2009, 11:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hmmm, I had no idea where to post this and now I have no idea where to start. First of all, a little history. I am a recovered bulimic with some lingering eating disordered thinking/behaviors. I was sexually abused by an obese brother for about six years as a child which has a lot to do with my eating disorders and problems with body image. For the last three years I have been carrying about ten extra pounds, I don't believe there is more than a month that goes by where I am not trying some new diet and never a day goes by when I don't think about my weight.

This is a spin off of the thread I posted regarding pregnancy and intimacy here recently about the fact that my DH hasn't touched me intimately since I started showing (about three months ago). I finally pinned him down and got him to talk about it and he admitted to me that it really has nothing to do with baby and everything to do with my weight. He just isn't sexually attracted to me because I have put on weight with the baby. He still says I'm beautiful but that he can't even think about being attracted to me. We still cuddle and sometimes kiss, but it is always just a peck. So I asked him outright if I didn't lose the baby weight if our marriage would be in trouble. He basically said yes, in a loving way anyway. Talk about stress and pressure for someone who already has weight issues. (by the way, I should mention that DH is one of those guys that can't not eat healthy. He hates to eat food that is bad for him and cannot go more than a day without working out, it comes naturally for him - he is just a very physical and healthy guy. He wants me to feel the same way about my body and look at food as fuel and not an emotional crutch but I wasn't raised that way.)

DH is leaving a month after the baby is born to start boot camp. He will be half a country away for about nine to ten months. I feel like I have that long to lose the weight I have gained (so far -about 25 pounds but I still have a whole trimester to go) or our marriage will be in jeapordy and I will be miserable everytime he looks at me because I will be thinking about how fat I am and not focusing on our new baby. I can't afford counseling right now (although I am wondering if I can get something free through medicaid since I am pregnant?), I just mainly wanted some advice. Does anyone else have a partner that pushes them (nicely, he's never mean about it) to be a certain weight? How do you deal with it? How can I be happy knowing that my DH doesn't find me attractive when I am making his baby and nursing his baby? I feel like an ugly, fat tag along surrogate breeder.

Novel writing student Mama to ds (8y) and new DD 1-13-10.

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#2 of 7 Old 10-12-2009, 11:55 AM
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it might be worthwhile for you to consider that your husband's relationship with food and exercise is not healthy (mentally, at least). outwardly it looks very healthy, inwardly, the same issues that create anorexia and bulemia can be lurking--it's just that this is a more socially acceptable form of "control" than those other methods. it even has a name, btw--"orthorexia."

second, if he does have a problem with it--it is his problem. he needs to look at why it's an issue for him. . .particularly now. if you are of healthy weiht for you and your pregnancy, then it is what it is on your part. but if he has an issue with it, he needs to work out that within himself, because you may change in any number of ways over a lifetime, even thouh weiht may not be one of them ultimately. so that's on him and you don't have to fear it or own it--HE does.

he might be projectin his own body issues onto you. my husband does this (he has a LOT of body issues, but to everyone else looks like a "health nut" or whatever), and i always put it back on him. i know my truth, yk?

you know your truth too. work your health for you, and let him focus on his health.
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#3 of 7 Old 10-12-2009, 12:03 PM
 
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First of all

I know how you feel with body issues and such. I didn't go through all that you went through growing up but I came from a family that focused everything on looks. My father would constantly bumbard me with images of what he thought a woman should look like (playboy, bikini type women) and my mom also struggled with body issues b/c of this as well. My dad would constantly make fun of obese people and would tell me in a flash if he thought I was too big. My mom was constantly on a diet, using laxatives, etc. to keep thin. I grew up pretty much the same as my mom. I am always worried about my weight, I did have an eating disorder in my teens (anorexic). I have since recovered from that but I still do have some ED tendencies. Although my dh is supportive, I also know that he dislikes obese people as well, makes his comments and has often said that if he would have met me and my mom would have been fat, he wouldn't have dated me b/c women often will look like their mothers when they are older. See why I put supportive in italics?

Having babies was a scary thing for me b/c I was so scared of what it would do to my body and the weight gain, etc. I was scared to death when I found out it was twins! After the shock, I realized something... I didn't care how much weight I gained b/c I realized that it was my job to eat for my babies and I would worry about the weight after I had them. I gained 58 lbs with them and lost it all in a year. I'm now back to my pre-pg weight (which is pretty thin, nearly underweight according to the body charts) ETA: My dh was completely supportive during my pregnancy and never once made a negative comment about my weight.

My point is, who cares about your dh feelings right now. Right now, you are pregnant and it's your job to eat for the health of your baby..you can worry about the weight and such AFTER the baby is born. And to be honest, if you are really concerned about your marriage ending over weight gain during a pregnancy, it doesn't sound like a healthy marriage in the first place and perhaps you need to do some deep soul searching to make sure this is really the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with.


single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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#4 of 7 Old 10-12-2009, 01:28 PM
 
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So I asked him outright if I didn't lose the baby weight if our marriage would be in trouble. He basically said yes, in a loving way anyway.
There is really no such thing as a loving way to say that -- it's cruel no matter how many sweet words its couched in. It would be cruel to someone without existing body issues and a history of eating disorders, but to someone with your history it is absolutely unthinkable.
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#5 of 7 Old 10-12-2009, 01:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Liquesce View Post
There is really no such thing as a loving way to say that -- it's cruel no matter how many sweet words its couched in. It would be cruel to someone without existing body issues and a history of eating disorders, but to someone with your history it is absolutely unthinkable.
I agree.

Honestly, it sounds to me like he has more food/body image issues than you do, and the best thing you can do for yourself is disregard his twisted perspective on the subject as much as possible. I would frame his comments as "his issues", and refer to them as such when discussing it with him.
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#6 of 7 Old 10-12-2009, 02:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Liquesce View Post
There is really no such thing as a loving way to say that -- it's cruel no matter how many sweet words its couched in. It would be cruel to someone without existing body issues and a history of eating disorders, but to someone with your history it is absolutely unthinkable.
Absolutely.

I also have a history of eating disordered behavior, which didn't stop until I was going through chemo and NEEDED every calorie I could get.

Now, I'm 30, and more squishy than I'd like, but if DH ever insinuated something of that sort I would be devastated. He's willing to support me in trying to be healthier, and work on getting back into the shape I want to be in (3 weeks post partum, exercise is a dirty word yet. ) but he also is very clear about saying that I am a beautiful person to him no matter what. That safety and security allows me the freedom to work towards being in the shape I want to be in at a healthy pace, while I care for myself and my kids.

If my marriage hinged on my getting in shape NOW I think I'd be sitting on the couch with a stack of oreos.
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#7 of 7 Old 10-12-2009, 07:21 PM
 
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I removed a few posts which were either UAvs or quoting one. I also locked the thread since it can be viewed here.

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