So, DH has abusive tendencies when confronted about virtually anything. He is emotionally abusive to ds1. I am looking toward leaving him, but that's going to take a while. In the meantime, I need some help. I want to make sure I do everything on my end right. This includes any time I must confront him about something. I want to be sure I do it right - it will give me more confidence knowing that what I'm doing is right before getting into a confrontation with dh.
So, I would really, really love it if you could provide me with examples of healthy and sensitive ways I 'should' be able to safely confront dh about this issue.
Here's the latest situation. DH coaches ds1's baseball team. Ds1 (age 10) is the star player - he's their best batter, catcher and pitcher. Dh decided to coach this year because last year's coach was too gruff, too serious, and he yelled too much. Well, dh is now all of those things, in my mind. The team loses almost all of their games. The parents of one child removed him from the team citing that the coaching suggests that the children should all be aiming for the major leagues and it was too stressful for their child, not fun anymore.
dh is particularly hard on ds1. Ds1 was late leaving for school this morning because he broke down crying telling me about all the stress he's going through because of dh's coaching. Dh told him after yesterday's game that if he pitched better the team would win - that's a fact, he said. Dh told him that if ds really wants to win, then he needs to pitch better. Ds said that after yesterday's game, dh was talking to the other team's coach with ds right beside him and said to the other coach, "Yeah, our first couple of pitchers (incl. ds1) were horrible. No offence, ds1, but you were brutal!" Ds1 said that everytime he looks at his dad when he's pitching, dh has the scariest, meanest look on his face and it scares him. Yesterday he yelled at ds when he was catcher and missed a catch, "Get the freakin' ball in the glove!"
One boy was late (his mom is so busy and is single with no help) and forgot his cup so he couldn't play catcher. Ds said that dh yelled at him two times and benched him and ds said that the boy looked really sad and scared. When another boy stole home base but got out, dh apparently really yelled at him too. This was just one game.
So ds1 said to me that now he hates baseball, and he fears the next game and if dh says he has to pitch he will just refuse (he could never really refuse dh, though). He said he is so scared. He said that dh "is just always negative, he never tells me I did anything good". Ds said that the coach last year was way better. He said he is embarrassed by his dad. He said that if dh were positive he knows they would play a lot better. And he just cried and cried.
When dh tells me about the games he gets really worked up but he downplays his reactions. i've been to enough games to know that ds1's interpretations are accurate.
So, ds1 begged me to talk to dh before Tuesday's game. How do I do this? I don't want to bring ds into it too much because I don't want to put him in a bad situation vis a vis dh. Dh will turn everything I say around, but I want to be sure that I'm persistent and that I don't just accept his twist of reality. How can I do that without using ds's examples? I can't go to the game on Tuesday, but I will go on the upcoming weekend. Do I have to wait until I witness some things so I can provide my own examples? I don't really remember specific examples from games that i've been to. I also don't want it to seem like we're talking about dh behind his back.
If you had to confront your partner about something like this, how would you start? "Since the team hasn't been doing so well, maybe it's not worth worrying about anymore. Might as well just focus on them having a good time. What do you think?"
Or, "I've noticed that Ds seems really anxious about baseball these days. I wonder if it would help if there was some way to relieve some of the stress he feels when he has to pitch."
These don't seem direct enough. Should I be more straight up? That's scary, but if I have to do it for ds's sake then I will. How about: "I'm feeling a lot of stress over baseball lately. When I'm at games, too, I feel a fair amount of negative tension and I'm worried taht the kids aren't having fun anymore. I wonder if it's getting more serious than it should be."
Thanks so much for any suggestions! I need to have this talk tonight, so the sooner the better. THANK YOU for everything!!!! xo
So, I would really, really love it if you could provide me with examples of healthy and sensitive ways I 'should' be able to safely confront dh about this issue.
Here's the latest situation. DH coaches ds1's baseball team. Ds1 (age 10) is the star player - he's their best batter, catcher and pitcher. Dh decided to coach this year because last year's coach was too gruff, too serious, and he yelled too much. Well, dh is now all of those things, in my mind. The team loses almost all of their games. The parents of one child removed him from the team citing that the coaching suggests that the children should all be aiming for the major leagues and it was too stressful for their child, not fun anymore.
dh is particularly hard on ds1. Ds1 was late leaving for school this morning because he broke down crying telling me about all the stress he's going through because of dh's coaching. Dh told him after yesterday's game that if he pitched better the team would win - that's a fact, he said. Dh told him that if ds really wants to win, then he needs to pitch better. Ds said that after yesterday's game, dh was talking to the other team's coach with ds right beside him and said to the other coach, "Yeah, our first couple of pitchers (incl. ds1) were horrible. No offence, ds1, but you were brutal!" Ds1 said that everytime he looks at his dad when he's pitching, dh has the scariest, meanest look on his face and it scares him. Yesterday he yelled at ds when he was catcher and missed a catch, "Get the freakin' ball in the glove!"
One boy was late (his mom is so busy and is single with no help) and forgot his cup so he couldn't play catcher. Ds said that dh yelled at him two times and benched him and ds said that the boy looked really sad and scared. When another boy stole home base but got out, dh apparently really yelled at him too. This was just one game.
So ds1 said to me that now he hates baseball, and he fears the next game and if dh says he has to pitch he will just refuse (he could never really refuse dh, though). He said he is so scared. He said that dh "is just always negative, he never tells me I did anything good". Ds said that the coach last year was way better. He said he is embarrassed by his dad. He said that if dh were positive he knows they would play a lot better. And he just cried and cried.
When dh tells me about the games he gets really worked up but he downplays his reactions. i've been to enough games to know that ds1's interpretations are accurate.
So, ds1 begged me to talk to dh before Tuesday's game. How do I do this? I don't want to bring ds into it too much because I don't want to put him in a bad situation vis a vis dh. Dh will turn everything I say around, but I want to be sure that I'm persistent and that I don't just accept his twist of reality. How can I do that without using ds's examples? I can't go to the game on Tuesday, but I will go on the upcoming weekend. Do I have to wait until I witness some things so I can provide my own examples? I don't really remember specific examples from games that i've been to. I also don't want it to seem like we're talking about dh behind his back.
If you had to confront your partner about something like this, how would you start? "Since the team hasn't been doing so well, maybe it's not worth worrying about anymore. Might as well just focus on them having a good time. What do you think?"
Or, "I've noticed that Ds seems really anxious about baseball these days. I wonder if it would help if there was some way to relieve some of the stress he feels when he has to pitch."
These don't seem direct enough. Should I be more straight up? That's scary, but if I have to do it for ds's sake then I will. How about: "I'm feeling a lot of stress over baseball lately. When I'm at games, too, I feel a fair amount of negative tension and I'm worried taht the kids aren't having fun anymore. I wonder if it's getting more serious than it should be."
Thanks so much for any suggestions! I need to have this talk tonight, so the sooner the better. THANK YOU for everything!!!! xo