I agree that the communication in your marriage sounds ineffective.
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Oh, I feel pretty conflicted, and definitely unable to speak openly with him about emotionally charged subjects. PMS never helps keep things kind and calm, but it is typically when I am more openly disapproving or more willing to bring up uncomfortable topics. Yes, I am afraid of confronting him about things sometimes, because his reactions are pretty intense. But I feel like there must be some peaceful way of changing our communication dynamic. I definitely try my hardest to be honest and empathetic and diplomatic when bringing up such topics.
I could have written this while still in my marriage... I think I did
. All of this is covered with red flags. About you wanting to change your communication dynamic and you trying so hard to raise issues in just the right ways.... you can't change him and you can't control his reactions. It's exhausting trying to do that and it doesn't work. (eg. see an older post of mine about an 'impending confrontation'). It sounds like you have/are trying to do what you can on your end. What is he doing to change? How can you work together to change? If you're too scared to raise the issue than, there's a real problem in your guys' power dynamic.
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Originally Posted by
Just1More
Im going to dissent here. No, sneaky and abuse are not okay. Yes, your dh is an adult. Hiwever, im going to suggest, gently, that perhaps your communication within your marriage isnt good. Perhaps your dh feels undermined and not respected? I think sometimes the ramifications of a child being separated from a parent they love is not properly calcualted. Are you prepared to tell your ds that your dh is so awful he cant be around him ever? Are you orepared to prove that to a court? Because if you arent, or dont really believe your dh to be abusive, then you will be both destroying a child's relationship with their father AND likely wont do anything to change the disciplinary dynamic. Spanking with a belt without leaving marks is not illegal in most places. All you will accomplish is removing yourself as the mediator
Perhaps your dh feels undermined and not respected? This could be very true. But you need to be able to talk about this safely (emotionally and psychological safe for you). If that can't happen then he needs to find a way to communicate that without scaring you. If he doesn't think he's scary and thinks you're overreacting by being scared, RED FLAG!
I think sometimes the ramifications of a child being separated from a parent they love is not properly calcualted. Are you prepared to tell your ds that your dh is so awful he cant be around him ever? Are you orepared to prove that to a court? Because if you arent, or dont really believe your dh to be abusive, then you will be both destroying a child's relationship with their father AND likely wont do anything to change the disciplinary dynamic.
This is just not right and not helpful advice. I'm sorry, I'm not usually so blunt but I feel strongly about this. Emotional/psychological, verbal abuse is almost impossible to prove in court so that's not something that is going to happen. Only in extreme situations of violence would you ever tell your child that their father is so horrible he can never see him again. That's ridiculous. I've been advised and I've learned to address issues by affirming my children's feelings, reassuring them that both their dad and I love them and when we are talking about incidents of violence/abuse I openly tell them that it's not ok for daddy to talk to me in a mean way like that... or whatever. I don't tell them their dad is evil - far from it. Their relationship with their father is their own and they love him very much. My oldest is still hell bent on proving his value to his dad, which has always been part of their dynamic. Not healthy at all. But *I* have not destroyed their relationship with their father by leaving him. I have, however, given my children a safe and peaceful place to come to and I have demonstrated to them what is not acceptable in a relationship. I have shown them that women can be strong and stand up for themselves.
Abuse is insidious and can create surprising and painful legacies in families (perhaps especially when children are boys). Children are very aware of the dynamics of their parents' relationship as they grow. Seeing (or simply knowing that) their mother fear their father is NOT cool. As much as they don't want to be like their father, boys unconsciously adopt tactics of control and learn to seek power in relationships. If they fear their father at all, they don't have a safe place when their parents live together. They learn that mom can't actually protect them and that is a scary and makes them feel all the more out of control. They learn that it's ok for dad to have tantrums and not suffer any consequences and that's how he gets people to do what he wants them to do. And within all of this, mom is left trying to repair relationships, keep the mood light, keep dad at bay, be on high alert to be there to step in if needed, to keep dad's emotions from blowing up, to keep the kids in check.... to be the caretake for all but with very little power. All that is REAL. It is well researched and documented.
This is why I urge you OP to begin your own journey of enlightenment. Maybe the problems in your marriage can be fixed. I hope so. Regardless, the literature about abuse is a very useful tool for anyone to gauge their own assertiveness and quality of communicating while also recognizing what you can and can't change in a relationship.
Perhaps a helpful book to start with is 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft.
Good luck, mama.