Almost time, yet reluctant... Advice about MIL? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am due in a few weeks with my second and have this overwhelming reluctance to give birth in order to avoid my MIL. My first is 11 years old and it all started when he was born.

When my first was barely a day old, my MIL took him out of my arms without asking. I was deeply wounded. It was more like a yank... anyway this happened a lot during the first few months until I started avoiding her completely. Once she even told me that he was done breastfeeding and it was her turn to hold him.

Needless to say, after 11 years I thought I had forgiven her for violating my maternal rights and moved on.

Well, now that this baby is due in a few weeks, I keep dreading that it will all happen again. So much so, that I don't want her around at all for the first year at least. LOL. I am so terrified that she is going to yank this one out of my arms too. And she wants to be at the birth! I told my dh, no I don't want her there... but...she might show up anyway.

Any suggestions? Or even just validation for my feelings would be great.

Thanks.
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#2 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 04:05 AM
 
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Don't let her be there. She doesn't need to be if you don't want her there.
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#3 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 04:10 AM
 
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Keep the door locked and don't answer the phone!
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#4 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 04:57 AM
 
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Easiest solution to avoid having her at the birth thing is not to tell her when you go into labour. Just call after it's all said and done. We didn't tell our parents when I went into labour, not because we wanted to avoid anyone (they all live abroad though anyway), but mostly because it didn't really seem to serve too much point either. Plus it leaves everyone on tenterhooks waiting for news about when the baby does show up.

If she does find out about when you go into labour, get your hubby to run interference, or better yet, get him to tell her no before it all starts. It's not her choice whether she gets to attend, it's yours and your husband's.

As for dealing with her when the baby is actually here, that might be tough. Confrontation isn't nice, but she does need to be made aware that she can't do certain things, and whether that means that you have to say no and take the baby back after she does try and yank it out of your arms, then so be it. If you think she might show up at the birth regardless of what you want, I can't imagine you'd have much luck keeping her away from her new grandchild for however long. Maybe here too your hubby can sit down with her and have a talk about how her behaviour a) hurt your feelings and b) was inappropriate?

Good luck though, it sounds like a tough situation. But I think you'll feel better if the lines are drawn clearly rather than constantly worrying about trying to avoid her and what she might do when you do have her around.



Marieke

Mama to Dashiell (July '05) and Matilda (March '08)
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#5 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 04:57 AM
 
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not in you ddc but boy have i ever felt your pain. only it is my stepmother in my case. you are absolutely right to not want her at the birth. i would just not call her when the time comes. "forget" in all the excitement.....
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#6 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 06:38 AM
 
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You absolutely don't have to let her be at the birth - no way! Do whatever you have to - even having someone tell her to go away if it comes down to it. I don't have any advice on how to handle the 1st year though - it sounds like a terrible situation you are the mother and it is your baby and YOU know best. I'm so sorry - good luck and hang in there.
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#7 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 07:07 AM
 
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Previous posters have said it all. What happened, happened 11 years ago--you've had that long to hone your protective tigress instincts, so don't waste it. DON'T let her be at the birth if you don't want her--what's she gonna do, beat the door down? (Especially if you're cunning and don't ring her, which is how I plan to avoid the issue with my mother).

And hold tight to that baby. Is your DH on board with this situation? If you'd rather it be his job to keep her in line, tell him!

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

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#8 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 10:54 AM
 
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As other pp said - just don't call. Make sure you have an honest and frank discussion with your DH. He needs to know how you feel and why. Then, even if he doesn't agree, hopefully he will still understand. If you are going to have the birthing at a hospital, put it in your birthplan that NO ONE besides DH (and doula if you have others you want there) are allowed in the room. You could even politely pull a nurse aside and let her know you are concerned there will be a party crasher so she can alert the desk staff as well.

I feel for you. My MIL doesn't appear very excited about her first grandkid, which bothered me at first, but then I started thinking - if she isn't excited maybe she will stay far far away. She thinks I am crazy and doesn't agree with my parenting choices. I have been on my best behavior for 7 years, not even challenging her (which is totally not like me)....BUT, I feel my mama insticts kicking in and I soon feel like she will get to see a whole new side of me. My backside, hahahahahaha.

goorganic.jpgwife to footinmouth.gif, currently WOH and geek.gif on my doctorate. (I'm dissertating!) We: novaxnocirc.giftoddler.gifgd.giffamilybed1.gif  with DS (4/09)!
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#9 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 11:38 AM
 
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Heck NO! You need to stand up for yourself & your babe...say NO...actually, your DH should be telling her no! She has no "entitlement" here. Ignore her or make her son take a stand. Good luck!

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#10 of 10 Old 03-09-2008, 08:44 PM
 
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That's definately not good stuff that she did that for your first born. the pp have said it all...I would just add that if she somehow ends up at the birth, or afterwards, make sure you tell her (if no one else has informed her) that you do not appreciate her taking the baby out of your arms (if she tries)

I hope that you do not have to deal with that stress though!!!
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