Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves -Chapter 2 - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-05-2009, 11:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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How is this book affecting your thoughts about your parents? It's hard for me to look critically at how I was raised, I feel like my mom did the best she could.

I've tried explaining parts of this book to my DH, and he seems to get it, but doesn't really change his actions so far. Do you talk with your DH/DPs about the ideas in this book?
The book has not had much effect on how I view my parents, because I know they did the best they could, and that they love me, and want what's best for me, even if we don't always see eye to eye. Which is why it irritates me that Aldort basically seems to blame all world evils on parenting. Like if you don't get it 100% right your children are going to be scarred for life.

Regarding my DH, I haven't even tried to discuss the book with him. He is very very mainstream, so I'm pretty sure he would consider most of the ideas in the book silly.
Yesterday I was having a rough evening. I was trying to finish some diapers that I need to mail out today and DS2 threw Cheerios all over the floor (like the entire box). I ended up screaming at him, and he reacted by saying that I had "scared" him.
When I told my husband about it and how crappy I felt afterwards, he just shrugged it off and said DS2 was supposed to feel that way after making a mess and getting scolded.

Dalila, mom to two boys, 7 and 5

490/2013

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Old 03-06-2009, 07:59 AM
 
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Sorry you didn't get the support you needed from DH Green_mama.

Welcome taimarie and momalea!

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
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Old 03-06-2009, 12:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, I think we're all done with chapter 2 so I'm going to start the chapter 3 thread. See you all there!

Dalila, mom to two boys, 7 and 5

490/2013

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Old 03-07-2009, 04:13 PM
 
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Here's the link for Chapter 3 Discussion.

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
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Old 04-03-2009, 12:48 PM
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This book has been hard for me to read. It's definitely more challenging to my way of thinking then anything else I have ever read. I try to practice it, but I can't seem to stay calm and I feel like I'm becoming angrier and wanting LESS to be around my children
I think it's just a matter of there being a LOT of my own childhood hurt to heal.

I couldn't help but notice, at the top of page 50 she describes a "phone counseling session" she had. That same session ends at the bottom of page 51-top of page 52 saying "at the end of the session, amanda and her father showed up at the door. Kara sprang out of her seat and hugged amanda for a long time, tears running down her cheeks"

So I am guessing she was told about this in retrospect because you can't see that over the phone? Okay I know that is a silly thing to get caught up in but the wording really bothered me lol

I like the example of Ya-Fei that was in the section about relieving the fear to give guidance. I also really liked the discussion about Pete and Sandy, in the section of fear of losing control. I am working on trying to control my life without controlling others in it. The example of the child who wanted to be fed would not have bothered me even before getting to this point (I dont mind playing "baby" with my older toddlers) but what I did learn from that passage was how sometimes we project ourselves onto our children. I have heard people speak of it before, but I didnt really understand until reading that passage. How the mother thought her son was being contrary, but then realized it was she who was contrary. When I read that passage, it was as if a bunch of things finally just added up for me. A new clarity.

As for my thoughts on distraction I don't think its distraction if you validate first. You arent distracting them away from their feelings or desires or needs. You have acknowledged them and accepted them. Then you move forward to find a solution. I think the reason why some people feel that a mutually agreeable solution can't be reached is because they didnt finish the validation step... Once you are able to make it clear to a child that something has to be done (or can't be done) and let them express ALL their feelings on the subject until they trust you know and then they can put it behind them, with that behind them, they are more then willing to find out how to make something they have to do better for them....
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:31 PM
 
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This book has been hard for me to read. It's definitely more challenging to my way of thinking then anything else I have ever read. I try to practice it, but I can't seem to stay calm and I feel like I'm becoming angrier and wanting LESS to be around my children
I think it's just a matter of there being a LOT of my own childhood hurt to heal.
This book has made me realize I have a lot of work I want to do with ME. DD is so little, so I practice on DH (I have patience with kids, it's adults that drive me nuts!) I too found myself getting angrier than before. I decided it was my stubborn old ways not wanting to be threatened. I looked up some methods of staying present in stressful situations (breath, note your surroundings, note your body posture, etc). Now I actually have some index cards around the house with reminder notes of what I'm working on and why and things to do ,i.e, "I have a great partner who shares my goals", "Breathe", "open your hands", "the present moment is the only thing you have control over" and "this is a house where it's ok for things to go wrong". It has helped me a lot.

Try to view those angry moments as opportunities to practice all your new stuff. Good luck mama.

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and 2 rescued greyhounds
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Old 04-04-2009, 09:07 PM
 
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Oh, I hear ya'! I'm a "little" competitive.

I was really struck by p. 54 (bottom) about respecting the child's body. No kisses from Grandpa if the child doesn't want them. By respecting their right to receive affection on their terms, we are actually strengthening their right to say "no!" So obvious! So important!
here i am again, a tad bit belated...and again, i hope any other latecomers will join me!

i had forgotten this part of the book...and i totally agree w/ this. i cringed when my moms (now-ex ) boyfriend would refer to himself as 'grandpa' to my dc (he's only 49! i'm 38! my mom is 62!) and it just felt creepy and weird.

another thing he did was frequently ask my dd if HE could have a hug. not can i give YOU a hug or do YOU need or want a hug...it was always about HIM. and he had this syrupy nicey-nice way of talking...like baby talk...oh how i despised that! i had told my dd that at ANY time she could tell him NO...that she doesn't need to hug him or anyone just because they ask for one. i told her about saying NO or STOP if she ever did not feel right about someone touching her or asking something from her physically. when she wouldn't hug him he'd pout and guilt trip her IMHO w/ that pout. grrr! lemme tell you, this mama bear wanted to claw his eyes out!

i worried he may be 'grooming' her for some future sexual molestation. i'm glad he's out of the picture... it just did NOT feel right to me.

anyway, my point is that i truly believe adults, especially, should ask children if they would like a hug...or say something like 'would you like to hug'? i definitely agree w/ naomi on this one...
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Old 04-04-2009, 09:12 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Super Glue Mommy;13489459]This book has been hard for me to read. It's definitely more challenging to my way of thinking then anything else I have ever read. I try to practice it, but I can't seem to stay calm and I feel like I'm becoming angrier and wanting LESS to be around my children
I think it's just a matter of there being a LOT of my own childhood hurt to heal.

I couldn't help but notice, at the top of page 50 she describes a "phone counseling session" she had. That same session ends at the bottom of page 51-top of page 52 saying "at the end of the session, amanda and her father showed up at the door. Kara sprang out of her seat and hugged amanda for a long time, tears running down her cheeks"

So I am guessing she was told about this in retrospect because you can't see that over the phone? Okay I know that is a silly thing to get caught up in but the wording really bothered me lol

QUOTE]

yes, i think naomi probably heard her crying after she came back to the phone or the woman carried the phone while hugging amanda...? naomi is a genuine, authentic woman...i've had phone sessions w/ her...she really is a sweet person. i definitely do not think her examples are phoney...exact that they ARE phoney since they were over a phone...ahhhhhahahaha! get it!!? oh, my humor...
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