Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves -Chapter 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 02-18-2009, 10:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
green_momma2007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Miami
Posts: 580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Here it is.

Dalila, mom to two boys, 7 and 5

490/2013

green_momma2007 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-18-2009, 11:01 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Chapter 2 is about "Love". My first "highlight" is p 45 (top), about meeting aggression with love.
I look forward to the discussion, but first I need some sleep.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-19-2009, 07:09 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is all so easy to take in since DD is 13 months and I can't imagine my patience ever being strained, but my next "I like this" line is on p.49 (top) "Instead of expecting respectful behavior, treat your child with respect; instead of expecting him to be able to wait and be considerate of your needs, be kind and generous with him." It makes sense. I hope am this selfless. I want to be.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-19-2009, 07:16 PM
 
Keeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Loving the stuffing out of Seattle
Posts: 2,753
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
This is all so easy to take in since DD is 13 months and I can't imagine my patience ever being strained, but my next "I like this" line is on p.49 (top) "Instead of expecting respectful behavior, treat your child with respect; instead of expecting him to be able to wait and be considerate of your needs, be kind and generous with him." It makes sense. I hope am this selfless. I want to be.
It really is true, even if we as parents do not live it perfectly. I mean, kids, particularly the toddler set, love to imitate parents and other adults. It makes perfect sense then to assume that if you model respect and generosity and trust, then they will mirror those qualities right back to you. Simple, not easy.

It also makes sense that if a child has a bedrock of trust built up in their parent - that they know that their parent has always in the past met their need - that in the future, they will be more able to delay gratification for just a bit, because they know that their need will be met soon (just as it has always been).

I'm really liking this chapter so far.

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
Keeta is offline  
Old 02-19-2009, 09:51 PM
 
Keeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Loving the stuffing out of Seattle
Posts: 2,753
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ok, after finishing this chapter, I do have a pet peeve to share. On the one hand, I really like the italicized conversations between Aldort and parents because it shows some of the principles in action. However, I'm having a serious disconnect around the parent's "a-ha" moments of self-discovery - they seem so forced and smarmy that I just feel yicky reading them. Maybe because hindsight's 20/20 and it seems obvious what they're saying? It also just seems so formulaic - parent has a problem, Aldort asks an open-ended question, parent relates some slight from childhood, cries and resolves to be a better parent. I don't know what my real issue is. Maybe it's the blaming of everything "wrong" in the present with something from our past. I'm trying to get over it, but I don't know, I'm having a block with them. Luckily the rest of the chapter I thought was pretty thought provoking despite these faux conversations. Thoughts?

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
Keeta is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 06:25 AM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree. My thought was "some of these therapy sessions are made up", but I'm trying to over look them. We'll see...
I did like the story about Grandma on p.64 though. It made me smile. It brought to mind Aldort's thought from Chap. 1 "only teach yourself". The Dad doesn't bother trying to explain his theory to Grandma he justs expands it to include her. I would like to be more problem-solving like this. "Teach less, learn more" I read somewhere (chap 1, I think). I really like that.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 02:13 PM
 
Keeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Loving the stuffing out of Seattle
Posts: 2,753
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
I did like the story about Grandma on p.64 though. It made me smile. It brought to mind Aldort's thought from Chap. 1 "only teach yourself". The Dad doesn't bother trying to explain his theory to Grandma he justs expands it to include her. I would like to be more problem-solving like this. "Teach less, learn more" I read somewhere (chap 1, I think). I really like that.
: Although personally I have to get over my own need to be right. I don't know if I could have swallowed that from the grandma at the end (when she said, see! I was right!). That just gets my goat and I feel like I have to respond in kind. But I know that's not a healthy orientation, it's just something I have to get over from my upbringing.

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
Keeta is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 02:49 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, I hear ya'! I'm a "little" competitive.

I was really struck by p. 54 (bottom) about respecting the child's body. No kisses from Grandpa if the child doesn't want them. By respecting their right to receive affection on their terms, we are actually strengthening their right to say "no!" So obvious! So important!

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 03:49 PM
 
Keeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Loving the stuffing out of Seattle
Posts: 2,753
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
I was really struck by p. 54 (bottom) about respecting the child's body. No kisses from Grandpa if the child doesn't want them. By respecting their right to receive affection on their terms, we are actually strengthening their right to say "no!" So obvious! So important!
Totally! I couldn't help but think of that movie The Three Faces of Eve when I read that - where the main character has multiple personalities, and the first time one of them appeared was after being forced to kiss a relative's corpse at the funeral - blargh! Anyway, extreme example, but seriously an important concept. I like the idea of saying "I have a hug/kiss for you if you'd like it!" and more often than not, DS accepts it, but if he doesn't it's ok for everyone, too. We've been asking our DS if he has a kiss for us lately and he often responds by blowing us kisses. It's so sweet.

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
Keeta is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 04:48 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keeta View Post
I like the idea of saying "I have a hug/kiss for you if you'd like it!" and more often than not, DS accepts it, but if he doesn't it's ok for everyone, too. We've been asking our DS if he has a kiss for us lately and he often responds by blowing us kisses. It's so sweet.
Nice idea! And so cute with the blowing kisses.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 08:57 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Bedtime quote - p.67, "Cherish her (your child's) choices and communicate yours."
Good night.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-21-2009, 02:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
green_momma2007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Miami
Posts: 580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
"They absorb values of love and consideration by benefiting from them first." pg. 52

This part really hit home for me. The more I read, the more I see my own faulty views of "parents" as superior to children. Now I question myself more when I'm going to "lay down the law". Sometimes I catch myself saying no to something that is so inconsequential. I wonder if I do it just to assert myself as the parent. I really need to stop trying to be so autocratic.
So, my goal for this week:
I'm a mother, not a dictator. My job as a mother is to love my children, not to boss them around.

Dalila, mom to two boys, 7 and 5

490/2013

green_momma2007 is offline  
Old 02-21-2009, 07:55 AM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by green_momma2007 View Post
"They absorb values of love and consideration by benefiting from them first." pg. 52

This part really hit home for me. The more I read, the more I see my own faulty views of "parents" as superior to children. Now I question myself more when I'm going to "lay down the law". Sometimes I catch myself saying no to something that is so inconsequential. I wonder if I do it just to assert myself as the parent. I really need to stop trying to be so autocratic.
So, my goal for this week:
I'm a mother, not a dictator. My job as a mother is to love my children, not to boss them around.

This is fun!

I also love the part on the bottom of p.67 about the word "should", "If she lies, then she should lie and then you can find out why she is afraid to tell you the truth."
I lied to my parents a lot out of fear. I NEVER want DD to have to fear telling me anything.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-21-2009, 08:49 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just read through our Chapter 1 thread. I liked Keeta's idea of taking a real life situation and applying SALVE. So here is my real life situation. DD (13 months) hates getting her diaper changed a lot of the time. She violently throws her head back and screams. We often try to distract her and hurry to get through it.

Now I'll SALVE the situation:
S- My thoughts are "You really need a new diaper. You've been in this one all night and may get a red bottom." The reality in this case is pretty close - that I need to get her diaper off because I am in fact worried about her developing a rash.
A- I explain to DD that I need to take her diaper off.
L- She cries.
V-I say "Is it boring to change your diaper when you want to play?"
E-???

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-22-2009, 09:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
green_momma2007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Miami
Posts: 580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In pages 61-64 Aldort discusses the fallacy of trying to raise children as if we were part of a tribe. I haven't yet read The continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff, but it seems to me that Aldort is taking aim at that particular take on parenting, particularly with her arguments on being child centered and on having kids watch while we engage in adult activities. Any thoughts on this?

Dalila, mom to two boys, 7 and 5

490/2013

green_momma2007 is offline  
Old 02-22-2009, 11:25 PM
 
Keeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Loving the stuffing out of Seattle
Posts: 2,753
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
I just read through our Chapter 1 thread. I liked Keeta's idea of taking a real life situation and applying SALVE. So here is my real life situation. DD (13 months) hates getting her diaper changed a lot of the time. She violently throws her head back and screams. We often try to distract her and hurry to get through it.

Now I'll SALVE the situation:
S- My thoughts are "You really need a new diaper. You've been in this one all night and may get a red bottom." The reality in this case is pretty close - that I need to get her diaper off because I am in fact worried about her developing a rash.
A- I explain to DD that I need to take her diaper off.
L- She cries.
V-I say "Is it boring to change your diaper when you want to play?"
E-???
E - maybe offering two choices of something to play with while getting her diaper changed? Like: E: "Would you like to play with the remote control or my cell phone while I change your diaper?" (in kind of an enthusiastic, yet either/or type of way).

Giving her some choice (even if it's not the one about the diaper change itself necessarily) may allow her to feel empowered about choosing something in the situation. I still employ this trick with my 2 1/2 year old. Sometimes offering a snack (like fruit leather) gets us through. But the choice option itself may feel empowering to her.

Other thoughts? Does this seem manipulative, or just simply trying to marry two people's needs (yours for the diaper change and hers to play) into one action?

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
Keeta is offline  
Old 02-23-2009, 06:55 AM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by green_momma2007 View Post
In pages 61-64 Aldort discusses the fallacy of trying to raise children as if we were part of a tribe. I haven't yet read The continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff, but it seems to me that Aldort is taking aim at that particular take on parenting, particularly with her arguments on being child centered and on having kids watch while we engage in adult activities. Any thoughts on this?
I haven't read Liedloff's book either, so I don't know. I did like this part the chapter though. I had thought I would of enjoyed a tribal type lifestyle but since none of our friends will leave the city (we moved to the countryside 4 years ago), we are a nuclear family. I liked that Aldort is positive to taking advantage of what our current culture offers. It seems realistic.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-23-2009, 07:10 AM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keeta View Post
Other thoughts? Does this seem manipulative, or just simply trying to marry two people's needs (yours for the diaper change and hers to play) into one action?
Okay! I'm getting the "E". I don't think that's manipulative. Another "E" could be "Should we change your diaper standing up so you can play with the...?" Right?

Example 2:
Because I work evenings and nights, DH has taken over bedtime and it has gone wonderfully actually with DD falling asleep faster and sleeping better than ever. So she likes being put to bed by DH, but at the exact transition from pre-bed cuddle and boob with me (the evenings I'm home) to DH's arms (he does, teeth, story, song, bed) DD can be upset for like 15 seconds (until they are in bathroom away from me). We have started validating her expression: "Is it comfy in Mommy's arms?", "Do you wish you could sleep in the living room with Mommy?", etc.

Is there an "E" for this situation?

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-23-2009, 05:46 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think I got it.
The "E" is the toothbrushing and the whole routine with pappa that she likes. It seems to me the "E" is actually what I would have called "distraction" last week. It's just now we validate before we move to the next (empowering)thing.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-25-2009, 07:05 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I guess what I'm getting at is that with a toddler offering an distraction isn't wrong if you validate first. Thoughts?

Any last thoughts on "Love"?

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 11:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
green_momma2007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Miami
Posts: 580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
I guess what I'm getting at is that with a toddler offering an distraction isn't wrong if you validate first. Thoughts?

Any last thoughts on "Love"?
I'm still only halfway through the chapter, so I'll be posting later today...

Dalila, mom to two boys, 7 and 5

490/2013

green_momma2007 is offline  
Old 03-03-2009, 11:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
green_momma2007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Miami
Posts: 580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm liking this chapter...but Aldort's case studies are really starting to annoy me. She makes the parents out to be bumbling idiots who are unwilling slaves to their past. I just don't think every issue I may have with my child stems from some repressed experience I had with my parents. Life is a little more complicated than that.
I know a PP had already touched on this, but I just had to vent.

Dalila, mom to two boys, 7 and 5

490/2013

green_momma2007 is offline  
Old 03-03-2009, 07:26 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes, the case study thing is over the top and I'm afraid it continues in Chapter 3. I have written in the margins, "This is too much!". But I'm trying to not let it get to me since I'm liking other stuff.

On p. 91 Aldort writes "When a child sees you succumbing to emotional limitations she does not learn about self-love, but about weakness and fear." I must admit feeling worried about my limitations and their potentially damaging capabilites. I don't ever lose my patience with DD (not yet at least). It's grown-ups I need to SALVE. I guess it's time to get working on it.

Can we open Chapter 3 for discussion at the end of this week?

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Old 03-04-2009, 12:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
green_momma2007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Miami
Posts: 580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I only have a couple more pages to finish chapter 2, so we can move on to chapter 3 in the next few days.
What happened to everyone else???? Is it just me and foodmachine????

Dalila, mom to two boys, 7 and 5

490/2013

green_momma2007 is offline  
Old 03-04-2009, 02:22 AM
 
calendulamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 304
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi- I'd love to join in if I could. I picked up the book a few days ago and came looking at MDC to see if anyone had ever discussed it, and here y'all are!
I am really enjoying some aspects of this book. Although the validating emotions seems so obvious and something I guess I thought I was doing, I am realizing how hard it is, and how often I brush off DS1's intense emotions. Our hardest issue is adjusting to the new baby (almost 5 months, so not so new anymore!) and I realize that I have never just aknowledged what he must be feeling. But it is hard! It does feel like I might be telling him it is okay to hurt the baby by validating his anger- yet I know this isn't true. I also find the idea of seperating my own silent self-talk from the situation both obvious and profound.

But I am finding parts of the book difficult. The therapy sessions have been mentioned (I felt annoyed and yet drawn to them and read ahead through the book to see if they are all like that, and yes, they are! The ones with kids are especially hard to swallow. If only my toddler would say -"oh, I realized I made a big drama out of this!") I also find the general tone difficult. I'm see a lot of truth to what she is saying, but I tend to believe there is more going on for kids that just a met and un met needs.

Anyway, I'm glad to have found you here and would love to keep discussing this book with you!
calendulamama is offline  
Old 03-04-2009, 05:40 AM
 
edamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 77
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry for my absence, it's been a busy week! But I've finished the chapter and here are a few thoughts:

I'm having a hard time with the "your thoughts are not you" idea. If my thoughts aren't me, who am I? What works better for me is to realize that my feelings (usually frustration) aren't going to change anything, they are only making me be in a bad mood, so I just decide to not have that feeling. It doesn't always work, but it is helping at bedtime while I am just laying next to DD while she tugs, tugs, tugs at my ear (it's her lovey).

On p. 47 it talks about meeting your child's needs. "Dishes can wait; his soul cannot." I definitely need to work on this, I just feel like I can never get anything done. How do you manage to do chores and spend quality time with your LOs?

How is this book affecting your thoughts about your parents? It's hard for me to look critically at how I was raised, I feel like my mom did the best she could.

I've tried explaining parts of this book to my DH, and he seems to get it, but doesn't really change his actions so far. Do you talk with your DH/DPs about the ideas in this book?

familybed1.gif planning a : h20homebirth.gif 6.2011

edamama is offline  
Old 03-04-2009, 05:51 AM
 
edamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 77
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post

I was really struck by p. 54 (bottom) about respecting the child's body. No kisses from Grandpa if the child doesn't want them. By respecting their right to receive affection on their terms, we are actually strengthening their right to say "no!" So obvious! So important!
In another book, maybe Connection Parenting, it talks about this and suggests giving high fives as an alternative. I am teaching DD to do this with her friends, one in particular doesn't like hugs, so they give high fives instead.


Quote:
Originally Posted by green_momma2007 View Post
In pages 61-64 Aldort discusses the fallacy of trying to raise children as if we were part of a tribe. I haven't yet read The continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff, but it seems to me that Aldort is taking aim at that particular take on parenting, particularly with her arguments on being child centered and on having kids watch while we engage in adult activities. Any thoughts on this?
I agree with you. And while reading this part, what Aldort said made total sense to me, but when I think about it later, I'm not sure...



Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
I guess what I'm getting at is that with a toddler offering an distraction isn't wrong if you validate first. Thoughts?
I like this, I wasn't sure about the distraction thing, like I mentioned in the ch. 1 thread, but this makes total sense to me.

familybed1.gif planning a : h20homebirth.gif 6.2011

edamama is offline  
Old 03-04-2009, 06:02 AM
 
Momalea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 624
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am not currently reading this book but I have read it and was interested in this thread. I find Naomi Aldort's work (book and newsletters) to be inspiring and irritating and thought provoking.

Naomi Aldort is very inspired/influenced by Byron Katie (http://www.thework.com/index.asp). I realized this after I read a couple of Byron Katie's books then re-read some of Naomi Aldort's work. It helped me understand Aldort's approach more after having read Katie. Byron Katie is all about "your thoughts are not you".

Okay, end of my hijack. Thanks for letting contribute.
Momalea is offline  
Old 03-04-2009, 01:42 PM
 
Keeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Loving the stuffing out of Seattle
Posts: 2,753
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm still here, just been done with this chapter for a long while, so I'm waiting to move to 3.

As for "Your thoughts are not you" - this is also a fundamental Buddhist teaching, from what I understand. The whole goal of some (most?) types of meditation is to be a silent observer of your thoughts - and to realize that they are, in fact, not you. One of my meditation teachers explained it like this: You are in a dark room, and you have a flashlight (in this instance, your mind is the ceiling of the room). Normally, a thought arises and you point the flashlight at that thought as if there is nothing else there - it's laser beam focused on that thought. But what if you were able to broaden the scope of your flashlight's beam - take in more than just the thought arising in this very moment? Take in your environment, your body's sensations, the knowledge that nothing is permanent. You might find that the thought arising is not true, or it's only a little true, or it's true but it doesn't mean you should react to the thought, etc. You can be honest about the emotions you are experiencing without taking the thought as "the truth." I'm not sure that makes sense, but that's my take.

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
Keeta is offline  
Old 03-05-2009, 08:31 AM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by allielb View Post
On p. 47 it talks about meeting your child's needs. "Dishes can wait; his soul cannot." I definitely need to work on this, I just feel like I can never get anything done. How do you manage to do chores and spend quality time with your LOs?
We prioritize DD over chores and understand that sometimes the house will not be tip top. DH is dishes, I'm laundry, we take turns with cooking. We do these things wearing DD or we have her in the high chair "helping" us cook or wash up or have her on the floor with some pots and pans. Dusting, vaccuming, mopping and the bathroom get done when one of us takes DD out of the house, i.e DH and DD go swimming, I do one floor, I go to a play group, DH does another floor, etc. The house is not "Better Homes and Gardens" but it's healthy

[QUOTE=allielb;13300140]
How is this book affecting your thoughts about your parents? It's hard for me to look critically at how I was raised, I feel like my mom did the best she could.QUOTE]

My Mom did her best given the situation. I'm sad she (we) missed out on so much and I'm glad I can offer DD more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by allielb View Post
I've tried explaining parts of this book to my DH, and he seems to get it, but doesn't really change his actions so far. Do you talk with your DH/DPs about the ideas in this book?
I highlight some key points and read them to DH (in the car or something)after I've finished a chapter. He listens and gives me his take on it. We want to use the same approach. He's very open to learning as long I'm not preachy. I just share info and we talk about it how could apply it. Like Aldort says, "teach no one but yourself." I need that advice. I'm a teacher by profession and nature.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off