Unconditional Parenting Book Club - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 59 Old 03-19-2009, 08:19 PM
 
mommabear207's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: maine
Posts: 573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Got my copy yesterday...and stayed up way too late and finished it. Can't wait to discuss! As a PP said it really resonates with me. I don't quite get how people can think its too radical or without merit, especially with how he presents his case, however my own DH is one of these people. DH said he would read it but is already somewhat dismissing it as its not what the leading mainstream educators teach (which is behaviorism) I said just read it with an open mind, maybe you all will be able to help me reason with whatever issues he finds!
I think for me the hardest thing is finding the right way to say things- even more so if i'm rushed or my 2yr old is insistently hitting everyone/thing
mommabear207 is offline  
#32 of 59 Old 03-21-2009, 03:54 AM
 
dogretro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 1,781
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband is totally on board w/ the no discipline thing. That is how he and his brothers were raised and they turned out great. Well, they were spanked on occasion, but in the "correct" way ~ not in the heat of anger. He feels no resentment about it whatsoever, so that is good. He was never grounded, had things taken away, etc etc, and he said his parents were good parents when they were younger (many drug and alcohol problems later).

The part we disagreed about was the praise part. He is a director at work & says that people need to be informed when they are doing something good or right, how else will they know they are doing things correctly. He does have a point there. I was trying to explain that instead of "good job" you are supposed to frame things in the larger social context. He said, yes, doing right things makes other people happy, so what if the person who is being made happy is him? When dd pees in the potty, it makes daddy happy. It has nothing to do w/ him loving her, and she does not get stickers or candy, but even if you say "Yay" or "pee goes in the potty" you will still say it w/ a positive tone of voice, which convenes praise. The praise thing is v tricky b/c you want to let your kids know they are doing something nice or correct w/out rewarding them.

I am half-way through the book now. Is anyone else ready to start discussing things? I have never done an online book discussion before, so I'm not sure where to start other than what I said above!

jumpers.gif

DD (4.25.08)  DD (4.23.10)  DD (10.13.12)

dogretro is offline  
#33 of 59 Old 03-21-2009, 01:07 PM
 
mamarhu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: dining at the restaurant at the end of the universe
Posts: 3,077
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
I agree with Alfie that too much praise can be a problem. But I don't take that to mean "never praise" any more than I would realistically try to never correct. When kids are motivated externally, whether it's with a candy, a sticker, or a "good job", the reward becomes the motivation. But as an adult, I want a gentle but honest assessment when I am learning a new skill, a thank you when I do something for some one else, a little encouragement when I am struggling. We are social creatures, and it is natural that we want to know how our actions are viewed by those we care for.

I think sincerity is perhaps the most important part of praise. The kindergarten teacher who says "good job" 512 times a day loses some credibility. I am much more likely to say "thank you" to my kids, if they have helped around the house, or "that's pretty" if they've done some artistic thing. I don't make a huge deal out of every little thing, make my voice high pitched and squeaky, jump up and down with false enthusiasm. And as an adult, this is how I typically expect to be treated; polite appreciation when it is warranted.

I remember as a kid thinking too much praise was almost insulting - implying that is is somehow surprising that a child did what was expected. Or even beyond the usual - at 7 & 8, I enjoyed reading the newspaper. I was just interested in the world. But I found it embarrassing that adults thought that was a big deal, or their business, or something. Teachers wanted to make it an assignment, my mother glowed with pride and told her friends, and only my dad understood that no response at all was OK, but so was discussing current events, explaining some of the background, talking about it as if I were a regular human, with opinions and interests of my own, and that I wasn't interested in praise or even "learning". When my mother and teacher took too much interest, I quit. It had been my hobby, and they were taking it away.

John Holt in one of his unschooling books tells of a day playing catch with a kid. There was no need for praise or criticism - if the ball landed in the glove, that was the intrinsic praise, and no words were needed. And when they missed, the learning was direct. They didn't need an observer to narrate, "good try" - the kid knew if he had tried or not.

I wandered way off, sort of, but I also don't know the protocols for an online book club. So, (gently and honestly, see above) let me know if this is supposed to be a more structured discussion. But I have been anxious to get going here too!

Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

mamarhu is online now  
#34 of 59 Old 03-21-2009, 02:51 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Suburbian Sacramento
Posts: 4,866
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I may give this one a shot. Is it your #1 recommendation for GD books?
Talula Fairie is offline  
#35 of 59 Old 03-21-2009, 06:34 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,142
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Super Glue Mommy (who started the thread) said she would post the first discussion between the 21st and 23rd. The clubs usually post a new thread for each chapter to keep it tidy.

I got my copy in the mail today and am way into it already, but I love books. UC gets a lot of attention and the reviews at Amazon struck a cord with me. I found my way to this book through AP as opposed to GD. DD is 14 months so we haven't come the "D" and the word "discipline" resonates very negatively with both DH and I. I have never agreed with the the use of "good boy" or "good girl" but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Now that we starting late EC I don't know what to say.
I am looking forward to the book and the discussion.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
#36 of 59 Old 03-22-2009, 04:03 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Super Glue Mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,620
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommabear207 View Post
Got my copy yesterday...and stayed up way too late and finished it. Can't wait to discuss! As a PP said it really resonates with me. I don't quite get how people can think its too radical or without merit, especially with how he presents his case, however my own DH is one of these people. DH said he would read it but is already somewhat dismissing it as its not what the leading mainstream educators teach (which is behaviorism) I said just read it with an open mind, maybe you all will be able to help me reason with whatever issues he finds!
I think for me the hardest thing is finding the right way to say things- even more so if i'm rushed or my 2yr old is insistently hitting everyone/thing ;)
I agree. don't laugh, but I actually have a "Script" of what to say do in this case that I leave laying around and grab real quick when something like this happens! just until it becomes natural. I hope I can have it down pat before they realize what im doing haha

Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
Super Glue Mommy (who started the thread) said she would post the first discussion between the 21st and 23rd. The clubs usually post a new thread for each chapter to keep it tidy.

I got my copy in the mail today and am way into it already, but I love books. UC gets a lot of attention and the reviews at Amazon struck a cord with me. I found my way to this book through AP as opposed to GD. DD is 14 months so we haven't come the "D" and the word "discipline" resonates very negatively with both DH and I. I have never agreed with the the use of "good boy" or "good girl" but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Now that we starting late EC I don't know what to say.
I am looking forward to the book and the discussion.
im going to start the discussion now!
Super Glue Mommy is offline  
#37 of 59 Old 03-22-2009, 04:55 PM
 
VeganJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hope I'm not too late to join. I'm loving this book.
VeganJ is offline  
#38 of 59 Old 03-22-2009, 06:33 PM
 
triscuitsmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Between Toronto and Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 1,895
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have this book on the way to me from interlibrary loan. I am looking forward to taking part in this discussion

Alison
Mama to Toad (08/06), Frog (01/09)... and new baby Newt born on his due date, Sep. 8, 2010
triscuitsmom is offline  
#39 of 59 Old 03-22-2009, 11:52 PM
 
dogretro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 1,781
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
Super Glue Mommy (who started the thread) said she would post the first discussion between the 21st and 23rd.
Whoops, missed that part!

Quote:
Now that we starting late EC I don't know what to say.
I am looking forward to the book and the discussion.
Some things we say when dd goes on the potty (in a positive voice):

I hear pee pee!
Doesn't that feel nice now?
Feels so nice to have dry pants.
Pee goes in the potty.
Pee pee in the potty.
Yay!
High five.
Yeah, push out the dooders!

HAHA, okay, I know, some are weirder than others! Sometimes we do tell her good job, but I have stopped saying that. DH still says it. We had a conversation about what we say to her on the potty ~ dh said it was okay to say things like good job b/c she is doing something that makes him happy. Yes, it is important for her to be internally motivated to use the potty, but, socially, it also makes us happy to have her use it. Like how you might say, "Look how happy Johnny is that you gave him a toy," it is, "Look how happy Daddy is that you used the potty." I think a mixture of internal and external is okay for the potty b/c that is how society treats it. Yeah, it feels good to use the toilet, but there is also a huge social stigma if you pee your pants!

jumpers.gif

DD (4.25.08)  DD (4.23.10)  DD (10.13.12)

dogretro is offline  
#40 of 59 Old 03-23-2009, 09:30 AM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,142
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
See everyone over there.

Thanks for the tips dogretro! Your suggestions made me smile- "dooders"...the things we say .

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
#41 of 59 Old 03-30-2009, 10:27 PM
 
jwoodbri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: NH
Posts: 338
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks so much for starting this! I started reading this quite a while ago but stalled out. I think I needed to discuss it and was having a hard time reading it alone. So this should be great! Now I just have to find it... Hope I didn't miss much!

Jess ~mom to DS1 8/05, DS2 6/07, DD 7/09 and one surprise 5/11!
Melanoma survivor/patient. Diagnosed 11/09. Wear sunscreen. Check skin. See a derm.
jwoodbri is offline  
#42 of 59 Old 03-30-2009, 10:46 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Super Glue Mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,620
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
please feel free to join in at your own pace! it's a forum, which is nice you don't have to discuss the chapters at the same time any certain group of women are, you can join in as you read and so can others!
Super Glue Mommy is offline  
#43 of 59 Old 04-01-2009, 10:35 PM
 
BMG580's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,176
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm joining late! Hope that is OK.

"Hey, I've got nothin' to do today but smile." - S & G
BMG580 is offline  
#44 of 59 Old 04-02-2009, 07:26 AM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,142
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Welcome! Come one, come all! There is a new thread for Chapters 1 and 2 so far. Just join in.

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
#45 of 59 Old 04-02-2009, 03:32 PM
 
tayallie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes, count me in. I just posted on a different forum how I am looking for positive discipline ideas. I just joined, so this would be a great way to get involved in exactly the topic I was looking for. I have a one and two yo DD's.

I see you are already on ch. 2 discussions but I'm guessing you can join in any time you want?

I just ordered the book, so hopefully I'm be joining you soon!
tayallie is offline  
#46 of 59 Old 04-02-2009, 09:57 PM
 
tayallie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Would love to join this group, I just bought the book. This is exactly what I was looking for, b/c I need help with discipline.
tayallie is offline  
#47 of 59 Old 04-07-2009, 12:38 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Super Glue Mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,620
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
yes you can join at any time!
Super Glue Mommy is offline  
#48 of 59 Old 04-11-2009, 05:47 PM
 
Megs Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Posts: 2,808
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Materfamilias View Post
Is the book considered pretty radical?
While we're waiting for people to get their books, and the discussion to start, would it be OK for everyone to sort of introduce themselves and say how they came to practice GD?
I came to GD through AP, esp. breastfeeding. I have read Punished by Rewards and thought it was excellent, so I'm really glad to see this discussion - it's the push I needed to get the book ordered. I'll be joining in soon! I love to read excellent parenting books, and I'm already a big fan of Kohn, although certainly not an excellent practitioner of his ideas.

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
Megs Mom is offline  
#49 of 59 Old 04-12-2009, 12:08 AM
 
slinginhipmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Webster NY
Posts: 814
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am soo in!!! I read this book a few years ago (ok read some of it) and just got it out from the library this week to really read.

Tara--mama to Riley (9/01) Nolan (4/04) and Finnegan (11/08). Unschooling Rocks!!!
slinginhipmama is offline  
#50 of 59 Old 04-12-2009, 12:45 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Super Glue Mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,620
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thanks for joining us ladies! Analisa thanks for adding the link to your signature as well!
Super Glue Mommy is offline  
#51 of 59 Old 04-14-2009, 10:34 PM
 
Megs Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Posts: 2,808
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hey, the link in your sig is how I found the club - I'm glad to spread the good news!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
Megs Mom is offline  
#52 of 59 Old 04-15-2009, 07:29 PM
 
Megs Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Posts: 2,808
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hey, SGM, could you post links to ch. 3 and ch. 4 discussions in your OP? Thanks!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
Megs Mom is offline  
#53 of 59 Old 04-24-2009, 12:30 PM
 
Dr.Worm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2,313
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi! Joining late! Hope it's ok! I read this book a few months back and would love to discuss it. I have always been into AP and GD but only recently found Kohn. I have had lots of success so far with Dr. Sears and of course good old Mothering. I have one DD, 9 and I have found this age verrrry challenging.
Dr.Worm is offline  
#54 of 59 Old 06-01-2009, 11:03 PM
 
samstress's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: so-cal
Posts: 2,240
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
is it too late to join? oh, how i wish i'd seen this thread sooner.

mother is a verb
I GOT MY vbac.gif!!!

samstress is offline  
#55 of 59 Old 06-02-2009, 01:49 AM
 
Nikola's_Mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 60
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This was such a great book and it is such a cool idea to have an online book club!! My dd is only 3 months so I am really enjoying reading how you other mommas are applying Kohn's principles and how it's working.

Just wondering has anyone seen the dvd and if you've read the book, is it worth getting the dvd as well or is it pretty much the same thing?

Totally in love with my sweet dd (March/09)
Nikola's_Mommy is offline  
#56 of 59 Old 06-02-2009, 03:07 AM
 
avaylee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Western WA
Posts: 542
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikola's_Mommy View Post
Just wondering has anyone seen the dvd and if you've read the book, is it worth getting the dvd as well or is it pretty much the same thing?
DH and I watched the DVD (from the library) and ended up purchasing the book. It's been a great reference and there are more examples to fully flesh out Kohn's ideas. I would recommend both, if possible.
But for friends short on time, I've been recommending the DVD.

Ecstatic mama to our one and only Aurora (Apr 07)
avaylee is offline  
#57 of 59 Old 06-02-2009, 07:53 AM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,142
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
NAK- all are welcome! better late than....
hop right in anywhere!

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
#58 of 59 Old 12-25-2009, 07:11 PM
 
Qbear'smama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: between the two solitudes
Posts: 1,239
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Super late joiner here, I bought the book as a Christmas gift to myself. I have read the intro so far and am hoping to get a lot out of it!!

Mama to DD 4/06 notes2.gif  new DS stork-boy.gif born 17/12/10 familybed2.gifnovaxnocirc.gif
Qbear'smama is offline  
#59 of 59 Old 12-26-2009, 12:07 PM
 
foodmachine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,142
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Too weird! I haven't looked at this forum for months and I looked today and here you are you qbear. This is a great book. I read it together with "Raising our children, raising ourselves". I highly recommend that one too!

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
foodmachine is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off