Unconditional Parenting - Chapter 1 (Conditional Parenting) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 38 Old 04-02-2009, 10:51 AM
 
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Well, I missed that in education courses but got it in spades in my psych courses. I still remember reading about how Skinner used his kid in his modification experiments *shudder*
I think Skinner is so black/white that he's easy to use -- people think results will come quick, so he's tailor-made for the education people. But I digress....

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#32 of 38 Old 04-02-2009, 01:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Materfamilias View Post
It's SO tough to identify, let alone stop, all those things we do because of how we were raised or because society has conditioned us to do them. I have a 6 y.o. son who has suffered from that. I'm moving to GD now and it is very hard to change all those ingrained behaviors of my own, let alone all the destructive patterns he and I have engaged in.

I do feel I need more practical help than Kohn gives in this book, which is more philosophical. But the philosophy drives the practice, so it's good for me to have read this book!
my heart breaks for all the crud my dd (also 6) has had to endure from so many of our conditional interactions...i blame myself though, for that. now i'm working on undoing this vicious cycle & let her know i love her ALL THE TIME and i have asking her if she feels it and knows it. i actually pulled the car over yesterday, and she said mama, why did you pull over? i just said come here...she said no, mama...i kept saying, please...come here...i want to just hold you, babe...finally she did and i just simply HELD HER. she was looking around out the window at a dog and so forth...i wanted her to be in the present/now SO BADLY...she couldn't quite take it all in at that moment but i'm working on it. gotta undo this push-pull thing we've been in for over 16 mos. now. its just awful and breaks my heart. i have such great remorse and sorrow!!!

did you know there is a UP dvd??? i'd love to see that. would be great to visually see/hear alfie speak. not sure if there are exampled played out on there or if its just him sitting there reading from the UP book...do any of you have this dvd? my friend said it made him cry because he knew he could do better...
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#33 of 38 Old 04-02-2009, 01:55 PM
 
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Well, I missed that in education courses but got it in spades in my psych courses. I still remember reading about how Skinner used his kid in his modification experiments *shudder*
I think Skinner is so black/white that he's easy to use -- people think results will come quick, so he's tailor-made for the education people. But I digress....
YIKES! that is so frightening...wonder how the kid is today...how old would he be? i wonder how he feels about himself and his father...and if he has children how he has treated them...and so forth...wow.
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#34 of 38 Old 04-02-2009, 01:56 PM
 
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doublyblessed: what if instead of a rewards board you did a personal growth board, and let your child decide what her goals are, and the "prize" will be reaching those goals?
i love it. maybe i'll make one for me too! thank you SO MUCH.
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#35 of 38 Old 04-04-2009, 11:38 PM
 
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Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#36 of 38 Old 04-13-2009, 12:10 AM
 
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My copy is on the way!

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Originally Posted by DelawareMom View Post
Hi! Thanks for starting this thread. I love this book.
My DD is only 14 months, so we aren't yet really at a place where we are facing any kind of "discipline" issues, but I feel fortunate to be moving forward with a mindset that Mr. Kohn's book has helped me to achieve.
I think this first chapter has been so helpful in the way I think when relating to ALL people, child or not. It is a profound notion that the message we intend to deliver is not nearly so important as the message that's perceived. I find myself, much more often, now, really trying to see things from my daughter's or husband's perspective.
I really look forward to hearing what others think. I've yet to meet anyone IRL who has even heard of this book.
Leigh Ann
Appreciate your comments about relating to all people - I hope to get some perspective on the crappy ways I treat my poor husband.

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mommabear207- I have a BS in early childhood ed and an MS in elementary ed and I think pretty much all along the way what we are taught and observe is conditional "parenting/teaching." For little ones (and sometimes older ones too)... time outs and reward systems (stickers, certificates, extra privileges and grades.) I think it is very hard to come away from all that. I know and understand what Kohn is saying and really do agree with it but there is always something nagging in the back of my head along the lines of if I let him get away with that it will only get worse. If I'm tired especially I have trouble fighting off that voice. So I am still struggling to do what I know is right, UP/GD. But that's why I am here!

I am a SAHM now so I don't have to worry about the teaching aspect at the moment but yes I'm sure I would struggle there too. I had someone recommend Parent Effectiveness Training for some more concrete examples in GD and he also has a book called Teacher Effectiveness Training which I would definitely read before returning to work. (The titles almost turned me off from the book but I really liked it.) Perhaps your husband would be interested in checking out the book?

I'm not sure that exactly answers your questions so feel free to ask others.
Parent Effectiveness Training is, I believe, the program Faber and Mazlish came out of...I think...or maybe it's another famous GD author(s) but I'm pretty sure it's them.

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Haha! I'm a teacher too, also taking a couple years off to raise my babe. I did not go through the traditional route, though, so I missed all those education courses
Another former teacher here. You didn't miss much. :P

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#37 of 38 Old 04-13-2009, 09:07 AM
 
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Appreciate your comments about relating to all people - I hope to get some perspective on the crappy ways I treat my poor husband.

Hi and welcome! I know you are just getting getting starting on this thread, but as far getting perspective on how we treat our poor husbands ,
I am finding the book (and bookclub thread) "Raising our children, raising ourselves" by Naomi Aldort to be really great for me (and thereby for "poor" DH too).

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
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#38 of 38 Old 04-15-2009, 08:47 PM
 
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Thanks, fm. I actually had seen enough references to that book that I went ahead an ordered it along with UP!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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