Originally Posted by mumkimum
I was grateful to hear what Kohn had to sayabout how so many parenting actions assume that kids "will take advantage of us". I hear other people talking (to me too) about how "you have to be careful you don't just give in to everything your kid wants" and am real appreciative to see someone talking about taking the time to recognize that behavior is driven by underlying needs.
oh i hear/heard this so frequently! even in most preschools/daycares and even schools (even waldorf/waldorfy ones...). and my ex did this...it drove me batty and i felt so enraged w/ him and his family...grrr!
: again, WHY he is my EX. thankfully i didn't marry his sorry buttocks. he used to say that if i give my dd 'things' so much she'd grow up expectig this or some hogwash. she had a lot of toys/dress up stuff from when i had a childcare biz in my home...she has never been 'spoiled'...she has known she's loved and i think that is awesome. the ex and his family always tried (and still do) shaming me... ie. dd was 'naughty' (not ME) for running around OUR house naked...and for even THINKING of touching her vagina...WHAT ever!!! and they mocked me/made fun of me loving her, being sweet and kind to her...i'd say 'she is just 3...' then when she was 4 i'd say 'she's just 4...' and that was the running joke for them...whatever. oh once my dd hid my ex's sister's lug nuts in the grass near our patio when the ex was working on his sis' car and she was SO UTTERLY ANNOYED w/ my dd...it was obvious. she did NOT have anywhere to be anytime soon.............she was just annoyed to be annoyed w/ her behavior. "naughty"...i said to my dd in earshot of my ex and his sis, "you don't want S to leave, do you?" and she said yes, that is why she hid the lug nuts...after all, S couldn't leave until we found all 4 of them...which we did at last... children surely do NOT know how to express their emotions all the time thru words...nor do adults for that matter. so they get punished by angry adults and withheld love...
i have a question, though...this is related to rewards/punishments...i have a reward board that i just put away. my dd saw it this morning and wanted me to put it back up. i did but i made sure to tell her that i have changed the way i treat her and that she is ALWAYS loved by me NO MATTER WHAT. no matter WHAT she DOES or DOESN"T do. i will talk more about how i would like her to :be: towards me/others but i think the most important is HOW she feels about me and my love being unconditional...she will then MODEL it, like kohn says...and will probably be less and less 'rude' or 'spiteful' or 'resistant' to helping out, taking responsibility for her toys/clothes, etc. yeah. totally agree with that one.
and she is totally a mirror for how *I* react and "behave" and how loved she feels...and like i said, whether she feels it is conditional or unconditional. loving re-reading this book. again, thanks supergluemommy for starting this up!
: i'm already noticing a HUGE difference in my relationship w/ my daughter and her self esteem as well. woo! this morning she said in her mae west slang she does sometimes (which is SO DARN CUTE!!!
) and i can't recall what it was (DARN!) but it reflected that she was feeling confident and good about herself. (i sure wish i could remember what it was about and what she said...doh! mamabrain strikes again!
sooo...what to do about this 'reward board' i thought was a good idea about a month ago? the goals on there were to mind me and my mother, to put away her toys, speak instead of 'shriek' (aka yell), be nice, no hitting (or biting, scratching, kicking...), etc. you get the jist of it............so what my mom was thinking is it can be viewed as just a GOAL...is it still ok to reward her for our appreciation or is that still a reward??? or maybe, i was thinking she could reward herself (w/in a certain budget) when she reaches each goal? thing is, the board goes by days M, T, W...hmmm. your input/ideas would be appreciated. i really want to treat her in a UPing way...
: is it ok to reward OURSELVES when we reach goals? hmmm. or maybe we can just have the 'reward' or OUTCOME, rather, of simply feeling good about ourselves that we reached a goal.................instead of focusing on acquiring THINGS...or the "get to spend time alone with mommy" crap you see as a reward for good behavior in so many parenting books. yuck. no thank you! poor kids..................