Unconditional Parenting - Chapter 2 (Giving and Withholding Love) - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 69 Old 04-05-2009, 05:54 PM
 
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i feel sooo frustated w/ my mother!!! my dd was being so called 'rude' and my mom was acting out her annoyance...yelling at her and telling me its not ok. she said, "lisbeth! this is NOT ok!" i said "why not? that's OLD SCHOOL and you know it!" she said "which came FIRST, the chicken or the egg?!" (insert baffled smilie) and i just simply said... "well NOW there is the egg..." meaning, have some respect and back off... then my dd and i were playing hug tag & my mom starts in on my dd again saying "MEGHAN! stop running, the people downstairs are home!!!". we were not that loud...i was running on my tippy toes...she told my dd to walk. give me a break. i suggested my dd run on her tippy toes...we were just up and down our hallway...its slate. the neighbors tv was blasting earlier...they usually aren't loud. so when my dd kept going to my moms door saying "nah nah nah nah nah" teasing-like, i said "hey, megh, did you hug nanny or kiss her for tag?" and she said she did and i then heard "nah nah nah nah nah...". sigh...i told my mom to stop yelling at her... my mom said to me "she has NO RESPECT!" and i said that is because you are NOT RESPECTING HER! she said she doesn't agree. i said well she is treating YOU like that because YOU are treating HER like that...rudely and annoyed w/ her. she was totally refusing to see it that way.............its like my mom has PMS today. and she's gone thru menopause............anyway.....so then my dd stops being 'rude' and starts writing notes and slipping them thru the door to her that say "i love u nanny'. my mom ignored it. my dd keeps going there now saying I LOVE YOU NANNY! and my mom still ignores her. my mom has said in the past (and i bought it) that my dd plays us against each other like she did w/ my ex and i. well now that is just pure B.S. IMHO.



now my dd says my mom was crying happy tears.........i wanted to say GOOD. its about time she softened her heart to my dd. sigh.......... i had also told my mom she was being the same way my ex was w/ my dd.......i said i had almost no issues w/ megh when i UP'd her when we were w/ my ex.....i said the ONLY reason she has been behaving 'rudely' and defiantly is cuz i wasn't UPing totally and was inconsistent w/ her the last 16 mos. since my ds was born........postpartum depression on top of my mood 'dis-order'. i said now that i'm UPing its totally different. dd is happy and sweet most of the time...i can tell she feels accepted and loved unconditionally. i said T DID NOT accept dd when she behaved in a way he saw as unacceptable.

well screw that! i will continue to model for my mom... she is still being quiet...maybe she will be humble and apologize to us. then again, she is not too humble so we shall see. she can be so inconsistent and contradict the peace and love hippie she claims to be. which explains why i have a tendency to be like her...reactive and annoyed. its like a bad habit i want so badly to break in myself. (and my mother) i can't change her though so i'll just model model model.

oh that's another thing i heard my mom say is SHUT UP to her dog. yet its NOT OK for MY dd to say DUMB DOG!???????????????! double standard if i may say so myself. my mom is regressing to her generation of 'respect your elders' just BECAUSE its expected. i do NOT agree w/ this.

thanks for listening to me rant and rave.............i appreciate it. i'm learning so much about UPing and myself..........and my dd's needs.

ohhhh my dd is making a 'sign' for nanny again. I LOVE U NANNY. I LOVE U NANNY. I LOVE U NANNY............................................. .......... isn't that heartbreaking/bittersweet??? my dd is crying out to be loved unconditionally by her grandmother...........................i wish my mom would at least HUG my dd. it hurts to witness this! now dd is making a trail of shredded paper like a 'red carpet' and singing 'this is for you nanny....finally its your time now.........................'. my mom went to get the laundry from the laundry room.....wow, my dd is being so codependent...its like she's SCREAMING out for it now. this is sad to me. my dd should not have to do this to get some love from my mother!!! (*tears*) g foi told my dd she doesn't need to beg for nanny's love. sigh................i'll report what happens.............................sigh. my dd is telling my ds and i to hide........i said this is NOT our thing...this is YOUR thing. sigh.............................................. .......

my mom just said 'ok, i'm going......................................see you later' and just left for work. my dd said 'she liked it!'. i asked my dd what my mom did/said. my dd said she walked on the papers and she smiled happy tears.......................sigh. not good enough for my UP standards.
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#62 of 69 Old 04-05-2009, 08:12 PM
 
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Well, heck. I'm one of those people who let "good job!" slip out of their mouths. :
I HATE it that it's so automatic. Oh, well. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Lucky wife to DH and mom to DS (10/02) and sweet DD (7/08) and DSD (3/93) and assorted animalia
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#63 of 69 Old 04-05-2009, 09:16 PM
 
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HBAK (holding-baby-at-keyboard)...

: OH MAMAS!!! I WISH U COULD'VE seen the wonderful beaming light emanating from my megh-i called after to her as she walked out to ride her bike, "remember to stay on the sidewalk!" & then i said "wait!!! that sounded like an order...lets start over...tell me how u are going to stay safe..." & omg she BEAMED. and softened...it was amazing. she then gave me 3 or 4 ways she'd keep herself safe outside...wow, this UPing is so BEAUTIFUL. and so. utterly...LOVE-LY! :
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#64 of 69 Old 04-06-2009, 10:47 PM
 
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hey! i'm all fired up as you can see...when is ch 3 going to be up??? i'm chomping at the bit! but i'm not starting w/out you guys!!!
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#65 of 69 Old 04-07-2009, 03:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Materfamilias View Post
Well, heck. I'm one of those people who let "good job!" slip out of their mouths. :
I HATE it that it's so automatic. Oh, well. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Oh, yes, I still say Yay or cheer or things like that here and there. It is just REALLY getting on my nerves to hear other people praise my daughter. She doesnt need it. Most things she does b/c she enjoys them. She does not need additional praise. I am about to start telling people, "You dont need to tell her good job, she already knows." I KNOW that my words have much more power than those of others, but I still dont like it! I dont want dd to feel the need to please others so she can be praised. Pleasing others b/c you care about their feelings & want them to be happy, that is okay. You share w/ others b/c it will make both of you feel good or strengthen the relationship, not b/c I told you to!

I do model the behaviour I would like to see directed at my child. Modeling is a v effective method. Many times, I dont even comment on the things my daughter is doing ~ I dont see the need. Maybe others are trying to fill the silence or they think I dont care about what my dd is doing so they will show her the love, haha.

jumpers.gif

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#66 of 69 Old 04-07-2009, 05:08 PM
 
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Time to start a chapter 3 thread perhaps? :

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
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#67 of 69 Old 04-07-2009, 05:26 PM - Thread Starter
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I posted it earlier today, waiting for it to be pushed through! I meant to post yesterday but didnt realize it was monday since my son is on spring break, I'm losing track of the days!
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#68 of 69 Old 04-07-2009, 06:25 PM
 
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i heard a mom talk to her dd about something being naughty...i wanted to yell STOP TALKING TO YOUR DD THAT WAY!!!

and then, at the same place, there was this grandmother who was saying her gd was going up to her mom w/ a dipe and wipes saying she went potty in her dipe. well apparently that was taken as something bad or wrong for the dd to do...undermining authority by getting her OWN dipe and wipes and asking for it/letting her know it was time for a change and she's viewed as demanding/snobby??? so this gm's dd, the "teacher" (woopdie doo i wanted to say) had her dd who is only TWO potty trained once she told her dd she only had 2 diapers left...guess that nipped it in the bud...like this is a good thing, i wanted to say...??!! jeesh. talk about pressure to perform and please mama for her own convenience. that poor girl. i bet she will be absolutely terrified if she has a 'slip up' in her dipes now...

i also got a look at my 'weight loss' mtg today from a man when my son was 'talking' in the back. oh but its ok for HIM to yack away at the back table when the leader is talking and people are sharing their success, etc.?!?! i wanted to say WHAT makes YOU more important than this here little angel??? he was once a baby too... grrrrrrr. (P.S. i have now lost 6 lbs. so far on my diet/lifestyle changes...woo!)

i'm finding myself annoyed w/ my dd today...i think cuz all of a sudden the weather has gone from 40's to 70's...so dramatic...too dramatic for me. & she's been mean today but i started out the day grumpy as all heck. so i'm sure that lit the fire........she's just adding fuel to it since my responses are usually cruddy...i'm tired. i need a nap. think i'll go have one. its cuz i'm hot and tired. i'm going to go down a bunch of ice water...

looking forward to ch 3... i hate when i slip up cuz i notice my dd's whole attitude changes and her light dims...i know its my fault cuz my grumpiness sucks when i have it...but i know i'm a work in progress.......sigh.



Quote:
Originally Posted by dogretro View Post
Oh, yes, I still say Yay or cheer or things like that here and there. It is just REALLY getting on my nerves to hear other people praise my daughter. She doesnt need it. Most things she does b/c she enjoys them. She does not need additional praise. I am about to start telling people, "You dont need to tell her good job, she already knows." I KNOW that my words have much more power than those of others, but I still dont like it! I dont want dd to feel the need to please others so she can be praised. Pleasing others b/c you care about their feelings & want them to be happy, that is okay. You share w/ others b/c it will make both of you feel good or strengthen the relationship, not b/c I told you to!

I do model the behaviour I would like to see directed at my child. Modeling is a v effective method. Many times, I dont even comment on the things my daughter is doing ~ I dont see the need. Maybe others are trying to fill the silence or they think I dont care about what my dd is doing so they will show her the love, haha.
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#69 of 69 Old 04-08-2009, 04:38 PM
 
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See you there!

wife to DH mama to DD14 Jan '08 and DS 6 Sept '10
and 2 rescued greyhounds
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