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#1 of 41 Old 03-05-2008, 09:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: Nine principals for the parenting journey by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser

Who would like to join me for a book club discussion on this? Even if you don't own the book, you could chime in.

http://www.becomingtheparent.com/all/hp.html

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#2 of 41 Old 03-06-2008, 12:51 AM
 
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I'm on the hunt for the book so I can join.
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#3 of 41 Old 03-06-2008, 05:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, it might be just you and me but I was thinking next Monday we could talk about the intro and the 9 principles for the parenting journey, and then start with Chapter 1, Developing a Vision for Your Family.

If anyone can't get a hold of the book, you could still contribute to the thread.

Flowers, fairies, gardens, and rainbows-- Seasons of Joy: 10 weeks of crafts, handwork, painting, coloring, circle time, fairy tales, and more!
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#4 of 41 Old 03-07-2008, 07:17 AM
 
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can i join in?
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#5 of 41 Old 03-07-2008, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Absolutely

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#6 of 41 Old 03-07-2008, 04:24 PM
 
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Well, I have a copy ready for me, but with toddler sickness I'm not sure when I'll get it. Definitely by next week. :-/
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#7 of 41 Old 03-07-2008, 04:52 PM
 
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i'd like to join.

is this the right book???

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Paren...4919439&sr=1-2

the subtitle's different than what you said.

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#8 of 41 Old 03-07-2008, 08:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i'd like to join.

is this the right book???

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Paren...4919439&sr=1-2

the subtitle's different than what you said.
That's the one! There was a fair bit of extra text on the cover. I wasn't sure what exactly the subtitle was.

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#9 of 41 Old 03-10-2008, 02:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
Well, it might be just you and me but I was thinking next Monday we could talk about the intro and the 9 principles for the parenting journey, and then start with Chapter 1, Developing a Vision for Your Family.

If anyone can't get a hold of the book, you could still contribute to the thread.
the intro, 9 principles and chapter 1? when i first saw that i thought, ugh! turns out it was only 8 total pages of reading. hooray! i might be able to keep up with this one.

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#10 of 41 Old 03-11-2008, 10:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Principle 1: As parents, it's important that we hold a vision of the kind of parent that we want to be and that we strive to achieve that vision in our daily lives.

So, let's discuss.

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#11 of 41 Old 03-12-2008, 02:07 AM
 
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I'll have the book tomorrow.



First thought - in therapy, one of the things we talked about a lot was building a life out of "now", because now is the only time we have. Only now can I make any changes in my life - only now can I live. But most "nows" are mundane, simple, easy to dismiss as meaningless, and what I want to control are the Big Things - who I want to be, the way I want to parent, etc. And if I spend all my time going over in my mind what I should have done, or what I plan to do, then I'm not actually living in the now, which means I'm not actually living.

Still following me?

So what I figured out is that now (this breath, this keystroke, this thought, this heartbeat) contains the space to welcome/be aware of/allow to grow the things I want, the person I want to be, the parent I want to be. Just space. No force, no plans, no little mental gerbil running in place -- just space. In that way, when the opportunity to make the choices that shape my life (my parenting), I will be able to choose, because I will be here, now, and with every moment preceding I will have welcomed that choice, and I won't be so distracted by the should haves/need to dos that I miss the chance to actually do.




So I guess that's my thought on how to "hold the vision" - now I just need to have a vision.

Actually, I guess all of that reveals one aspect of my parenting vision: I want to be present in this moment with my child.

And on that note, I'm going to go play with my child and his new big red ball.
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#12 of 41 Old 03-12-2008, 02:09 AM
 
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Principle 1: As parents, it's important that we hold a vision of the kind of parent that we want to be and that we strive to achieve that vision in our daily lives.

So, let's discuss.
well, when i read the first principle i was a little concerned because i didn't really have a vision that i could verbalize. then dh pointed out that it's just a vision, not a mission statement.

there are definitely values that i hold (some i feel more strongly about than others). luckily dh and i agree on most of these...

to have integrity
to have empathy
to be generous
to be conscientious
to be fair
to be courageous
to work hard

and there are things that i wish for my children...

to be happy
to be confident
to be free of fear
to be thinkers and feelers
to always be able to come to me

there are many others, but this is what comes to me at this moment.

dh and i got talking about our values and how we exhibit them and where they come from.

we each discussed one specific value that our parents instilled in us that we still hold. mine was to always do the right thing and it's something my mom said long before spike lee did. when people ask what i learned from my mother (yes, a few people have asked), that's the one i always say. i remember many times throughout my youth when situations presented themselves where i could do the right thing or do the easy thing. my mom always saw it as an opportunity to teach. while it was rarely the easy thing to do and was sometimes actually painful (especially for a young person) to do, she was able to show me (not just tell me) how it was the right thing. i'm proud to say i usually did the right thing. usually. i hope that's something my children will learn as well. not because i tell them, but because i exhibit it in my daily life.

the one dh came up with was being an individual and being true to that. he said his parents would tell him that it was important to decide who he wanted to be (what kind of person he wanted to be) and then always be true to that, in all situations with all people. it seems pretty obvious, but i thought it was a good one. especially when you hit adolescence and it can be so easy to go along with the crowd or do things that aren't true to yourself. i can honestly say dh was able to stay truer to himself than i ever did. in my youth, that is.

so, those are just some of my thoughts on the first principle. not really sure if i've addressed it clearly or gone off on a tangent completely. as i said at the onset, i don't have a crystal clear vision, but i do know what's important to me and am hopefully living my life in a way that exhibits those things.

thoughts?

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#13 of 41 Old 03-12-2008, 02:35 AM
 
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I'll have the book tomorrow.

So what I figured out is that now (this breath, this keystroke, this thought, this heartbeat) contains the space to welcome/be aware of/allow to grow the things I want, the person I want to be, the parent I want to be. Just space. No force, no plans, no little mental gerbil running in place -- just space. In that way, when the opportunity to make the choices that shape my life (my parenting), I will be able to choose, because I will be here, now, and with every moment preceding I will have welcomed that choice, and I won't be so distracted by the should haves/need to dos that I miss the chance to actually do.

So I guess that's my thought on how to "hold the vision" - now I just need to have a vision.

Actually, I guess all of that reveals one aspect of my parenting vision: I want to be present in this moment with my child.

And on that note, I'm going to go play with my child and his new big red ball.
:

beautifully said.

i definitely agree with you about being present. it's something i've always wanted to be for (and wanted from) my partners and something i wish to be for my daughter.

not only do i want to be present for her sake, but i want to be present for my sake. i see how excited she gets about the world around her and i get excited watching her. while it takes me about 30 seconds to go from the sidewalk to the front door, it takes her at least an hour. just yesterday, she stopped to look at a dandelion clock. amazed that when she touched it, all its seeds fell to the ground. today she examined a rock. turning it over and over. inspecting its colors, its texture. i mean, how lucky am i that i get to watch all this with her.

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#14 of 41 Old 03-12-2008, 02:07 PM
 
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Wow, this book looks great. I assume it's AP friendly?

I'm a bit late but I'm going to order it and hope to join in soon!
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#15 of 41 Old 03-12-2008, 02:10 PM
 
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Oh, I have this. Great idea! I'll join.
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#16 of 41 Old 03-12-2008, 09:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, this book looks great. I assume it's AP friendly?

I'm a bit late but I'm going to order it and hope to join in soon!
Absolutely AP friendly!

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Originally Posted by Cassiopeia View Post
Oh, I have this. Great idea! I'll join.
YAY!

It does seem daunting, doesn't it? We've always had our family "philosophy" based on I Corinthians 13:
Quote:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
We've found it covers pretty much everything.

What families have in common the world around is that they are the place where people learn who they are and how to be that way.

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#17 of 41 Old 03-13-2008, 01:46 AM
 
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OK, I had lots of babblings but no time to clean it up, so I'll try posting tomorrow. I did get the book though, and I like the first 7 pages!
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#18 of 41 Old 03-14-2008, 07:03 PM
 
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but may I join? I have the book
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#19 of 41 Old 03-14-2008, 10:37 PM
 
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I'm late too but would like to join. I did a 7-week class based on this book, but that was last year. I love this book.


Can I join?
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#20 of 41 Old 03-15-2008, 12:34 AM
 
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We've hardly begun - of course you're both welcome.
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#21 of 41 Old 03-15-2008, 12:45 AM
 
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Alright, I'm just gonna post my babblings.

I asked my partner Gary one of the questions in this section, "what are the five most important values I want to pass on to my children?" He said:
Quote:
As Jesus said: don't be a [meanie] [warning: mature/profane content in link, but it gives the context for the quote]
don't always have to be nice, but be kind
critical thinking is important
help people if you can
question everything
And that it all pretty much comes down to: be nice, be mindful. And variations thereof. (Environmentalism is, he said, just a combination of the two - it's not smart to pollute the planet you're living on, and not nice to mess it up for other people.)

Not really values, but here's what I said in a similar conversation a month or so ago:
Quote:
5 traits I hope to help instill in my offspring:

healthy, physically and mentally
happy, with himself and the world
interdependent, and aware/embracing of it
sensitive, caring, compassionate
able to laugh in joy every day
I like the Corinthians quote, too.

As a parent, I want: to be present; to learn from my mistakes (and have my children see that happen); to be accessible; to teach by leading (do as I do); to be kind; to be just (different from fair); to be reliable. It would be nice to be liked, but more than that I want to be the strong space my child(ren) can come back to for safety and warmth and rest and love and peace.



/babbling.
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#22 of 41 Old 03-17-2008, 12:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, the food for thought questions at the end of the chapter:

Who are the people I can talk to about values?

Where, in my family and community, have I found people who disagree with me in terms of my values? How do I negotiate those differences?

When did I last have a conflict with another person (my partner, a friend or family member) about how to respond to a child? What values were each of us trying to teach?

Can I think of a time when my child was exposed to a value that was very different from the values in our family? How did I respond? How did I help my child with that experience?

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#23 of 41 Old 03-17-2008, 03:06 AM
 
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I just had a really fabulous conversation with my partner about these questions. I don't really have time now to go over it again, but I wanted to comment on another couple things in this chapter:

The "Look at the Bigger Picture" section reminds me of a lot of discussions about Unconditional Parenting I've been in recently. I underlined (yes, in a book that isn't mine - it's in pencil! ) the quote "the process is as important as the outcome".

And maybe later I'll actually talk about that, but it's bedtime now. Book clubs are both easier and harder when they're shoved into what ten (or five or two) minute increments you can steal from your daily life.
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#24 of 41 Old 03-17-2008, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, that's great.

I don't have tons of time right now (surprise!) but I will say that I feel like I really miss the mark when we run headlong into values that don't agree with ours. I will admit that it makes me feel really insecure.

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#25 of 41 Old 03-19-2008, 10:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I read an awesome post somewhere yesterday by Shaggy Daddy talking about breastfeeding, baby wearing, etc, as being tools that lead to attachment parenting. I was thinking that attachment parenting, then, is maybe a tool that leads us to this, passing on our values to our children.

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#26 of 41 Old 03-19-2008, 10:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone ready to move on to Chapter Two, Learning About Children?

Principle 2: Through learning about our children, and about children in general, we develop a perspective that leads us to be more responsible, effective parents.

So, we have:
What is child development and why is it useful?
Understanding your child's temperment
Learning to observe
What is your child working on?

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#27 of 41 Old 03-20-2008, 07:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#28 of 41 Old 03-20-2008, 08:00 PM
 
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Alright, I'm going to post the underlines/notes I made when reading this chapter, and if I have time (haha!) I'll answer the discussion questions.

p 8 I underlined "Trust is necesary for later independence." That wins the authors a lot of points in my book.

p 10 I wrote "this chapter shows much cultural assumption" (hey, it's notes in a book, the grammar doesn't have to be perfect) and "compare with Our Babies, Ourselves" - which talks about how our belief in "temperment" is a cultural phenomenon. I think it's a pretty valid one, but I also think it's worth keeping that in mind when talking about child development theory.

The notes on observing - the parts about standing back and just letting your child do - resonate with my beliefs in ideas like The Continuum Concept and Unconditional Parenting. Right now I'm observing my child try to engage the dog in play with a fabric bag that has a card affixed to it. He's not having much luck, but the dog is being incredibly patient with getting repeatedly smacked in the face.

Going back to p 8, the "normal ages" of child development are also pretty culturally influenced. There ARE biological stages and norms, I've just come to believe (through my reading of books like OBOS) that they're far more maleable than we tend to think.

Alright... being called away by the milk sign, more later.
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#29 of 41 Old 03-20-2008, 08:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Arwyn, are you writing in a library book?

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#30 of 41 Old 03-20-2008, 08:20 PM
 
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No! I'm writing in a book borrowed from a friend. :
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