Ex refuses to use booster - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 10:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
terran631's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Warren, Ohio
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hey all I need some advice. Ex and I have been divorced for several years. We rarely see each other as he only sees the kids about once a week for a couple hours. We have two kids together. DS is 11 and he's a pretty big kid, about 5'2 140 lbs. So, him being in a seat belt is no trouble. However, dd is 7 but she's small. Only about 45 lbs soak and wet. The other day, I had to drop something off to ex and my dd was in the car. He saw her in the booster and just hit the roof. He started yelling about how she was too old to be in a baby seat and I'm treating her like she's still an infant. I explained that she is too small to sit normally in the car, she's much safer in the booster and it's the LAW in Ohio. (8 years AND 80 pounds). He didn't care and said he'd have her in the front seat if he wants to, screw the law. He's always been obsessed with making the kids more mature than their actual age so this is just a pride thing.

Anyway, the kids don't ride with him at all so that's no worries, but this summer, he's taking them to New York. How can I help convince a very stubborn and very ego driven man that he's wrong in this case and his DD NEEDS a booster.
terran631 is offline  
#2 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 10:29 AM
 
happysmileylady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,216
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, it's illegal for her not to be, so if she's not going to be in a booster, she doesn't go. He could try to take it to court, but you would win.
happysmileylady is offline  
#3 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 02:01 PM
 
TiredX2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: it appears to be a handbasket
Posts: 20,475
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
How does DD feel about riding in the booster? If she is matter of fact about it, it might just be easier for him to let it go.

How are they going to get around New York? Is he taking a car, or are they flying & then using public transportation? Because if the 2nd, I'm thinking you're going to have a really hard time convincing him to drag a booster along.

It doesn't sound like he is open to education (I can believe he just went off like that ) but could you just email him the law & a short fact list?

 

 

TiredX2 is offline  
#4 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 02:36 PM
MJB
 
MJB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 1,565
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Does your DD know she needs the booster? If she knows she *has* to have it and you send a backless booster with her, she can insist on using it. I know my 7 yr. old's dad is okay with him doing dangerous things but he will say no way, dad.

Also, when we went to NY, we just rode the subway everywhere. We drove there so we had carseats in our car, but didn't need to drive or take cabs once we got there.
MJB is offline  
#5 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 02:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
terran631's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Warren, Ohio
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
They're driving, which from here is about 5 or 6 hours depending on traffic, etc..They won't be staying much in the city, so there will be no subways or anything like that. It'll be all car. My DD was absolutely fine with being in a booster, she doesn't know any other way. Her cousin, who is the same age, is also in a booster and that's the only other kid her age that she has seen in a car.

However, now that her father went on this tangent (in front of her) about it being for a "baby", she's insisting that she's too big for it now, that she's not a "baby". We've talked about it, and I explained the dangers. I even showed her by letting her be in just a seat belt in our driveway. I braked suddenly, but not hard. Just enough for her to pitch forward a bit. She also doesn't like that she can't see out the window, so I think for now she's ok with it. But if her dad starts in on it being for a baby, she won't fight him on it.

As for taking him to court on it, I will if I have to, but that's a last resort. I don't want this to become a war between us because we're pretty amicable on most days. This is one thing I will fight on, but if I can give him bits and pieces of info on why then it'll be better. He's one of those that think nothing will happen to him, he is above and beyond the law and he'll do what he wants to do. A 15 year old trapped in a 35 year old body I suppose. So I have to approach this from a non confrontational manner or he'll do the opposite to spite me.
terran631 is offline  
#6 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 03:13 PM
 
amy_n_boys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Cleaning!
Posts: 33
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know you want to be non-confrontational, but this is something that, if you want to keep her safe, you cannot compromise on. Do you have a custody agreement? You can get it written into the custody agreement that she will be in a booster until she passes the 5-step test for seatbelt use, which is best practice, and that she will not ride in the front seat until age 13. At very least he needs to follow the law.

I'm sorry; he sounds difficult to say the least. I would also recommend helping your daughter to be an advocate for her own safety, and teach her assertiveness skills -- even if they are difficult for you.

Good luck!

Amy
with the three boys and a bundle coming in November
amy_n_boys is offline  
#7 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 05:16 PM
 
lifeguard's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Coyote Rock Farm
Posts: 6,574
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I disagree that your daughter should advocate for herself - asking a child to go against what her parent says is an awful lot to ask & an inappropriate request. It should not be put on her shoulders.

As for what to do about your ex - that sounds like a tough situation. Is there someone else you mutually trust/get along with that could advocate for you? Maybe coming from a third party he would take it less defensively?

Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

lifeguard is offline  
#8 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 05:24 PM
 
happysmileylady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,216
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by terran631 View Post
But if her dad starts in on it being for a baby, she won't fight him on it.

As for taking him to court on it, I will if I have to, but that's a last resort. I don't want this to become a war between us because we're pretty amicable on most days. This is one thing I will fight on, but if I can give him bits and pieces of info on why then it'll be better. He's one of those that think nothing will happen to him, he is above and beyond the law and he'll do what he wants to do. A 15 year old trapped in a 35 year old body I suppose. So I have to approach this from a non confrontational manner or he'll do the opposite to spite me.
Oh I wouldn't take him to court at all. Make him take you, that's truely letting it be the last reasort. But I don't think this is something you can compromise on and I think if he's not going to use it, she doesn't go. I think that it should be as simple as that. And to be honest, I don't think he would take you to court anyway, I think he would likely just give in if you are strong about it. From what you posted about him ranting about it, it sounds like trying to give him information on it is really just going to be ignored.
happysmileylady is offline  
#9 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 05:27 PM
 
khaoskat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2,366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by terran631 View Post
I explained that she is too small to sit normally in the car, she's much safer in the booster and it's the LAW in Ohio. (8 years AND 80 pounds).
Actually you are wrong on Ohio's Law.

Your child has to be in a booster if the child is under the age of 8 AND less than 4 foot 9 inches. Ohio's booster seat law has nothing to do with weight, height and age based only.

As for how to convince him...just let him know that in Ohio, it is the law. I would give him a copy of it, and tell him if he violates the law he could be charged and it is a hefty fine for violating the booster seat and car seat laws in Ohio.
khaoskat is offline  
#10 of 15 Old 05-03-2010, 07:19 PM
 
violet_'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I feel for you.

We have the same problem with DH's ex. She's had DSD in a backless booster since about age 3, and has let DSS sit in the front seat since he was 8, and no booster for much longer. She has them most of the time, and there's no way to change her mind on any of this. She's always right, we're always wrong, you see. I just make sure the kids are in proper seats when they're with us, and they both know the rules and neither one has a problem with it. In fact, DSD loves her seat I bought her, and DSS calmly accepted when I told him "no" to his front seat request.

We're taking her to court for unrelated matters right now, and DH has considered asking for a clause about car safety, though our lawyer just reminds us that any tiny request like that will cost us $$$. I figure at this point they're nearly old enough for it not to matter (6 and 9), since she does at least have them belted in.

I don't think courts are used to this, but if in your state it's actually illegal (I don't think it is illegal in DSC's state -- just frowned upon by experts) then maybe you have a shot?

I know how frustrating it is. Good luck.

violet_ is offline  
#11 of 15 Old 05-04-2010, 09:12 AM
 
amy_n_boys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Cleaning!
Posts: 33
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeguard View Post
I disagree that your daughter should advocate for herself - asking a child to go against what her parent says is an awful lot to ask & an inappropriate request. It should not be put on her shoulders.
This is an issue of the safety of her body. Dad is asking her to do something illegal and inappropriate. I agree it's difficult, but the last thing the OP needs is for the girl to be in agreement with the father, which it sounds like may already be happening. Teaching her to be an advocate for her own safety is NEVER inappropriate... whether it be for safety issues or unwanted sexual contact, etc. Just because he's her parent does not give him the right to put the safety of her body in harm's way.

Amy
with the three boys and a bundle coming in November
amy_n_boys is offline  
#12 of 15 Old 05-04-2010, 10:16 AM
 
mommyto3girls's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,041
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have had problems with my ex not using car seats and/or booster seats. My dh and I have 3 girls total, ages 7 1/2, 5, and almost 5 They all ride in Graco harnessed nautilus seats here, but EX had 4 yo dd in a backless booster at 33 pounds (he actually came to a ped check up and she told him that he had to put her back in a harness) Oldest is 7 1/2, 45 pounds and 4 foot 1 inch. He has tried over and over to take her out of the booster (since we divorced when she was 5) Now that Ohio has the new law, I was able to do a double whammy.

He is a principal at an elementary school and oldest went to Kindy there. I called his voice mail at work and left a message that I knew a family at his school that was being neglectful because the 5 year old 38 pound daughter was not in a booster and the 3 year old 29 pound daughter was in a backless booster. I inormed him that I planned to call CPS if I saw it again, but since he is a mandatory reporter, I was sure he could speak with the family before it went that far!

I also called my local police because I was not comfortable with allowing him to put them in the car for visitation while he was violating the child safety seat law. The police said they could not get involved with me not allowing him to have his visit, but they could park on my streat and "notice" that he did not have proper child restraints for the kids
mommyto3girls is offline  
#13 of 15 Old 05-04-2010, 09:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
terran631's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Warren, Ohio
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I tried giving him some info that I found on this site. I told him that he would get cited and fined for not having her in one. He honestly just doesn't care. I finally told him that I was going to take the weekend off work and drive the children to New York myself. The kids look forward to this trip every summer so I hate to have them miss out because he's being stubborn and uncaring about her safety. It really does just boil down to the fact that he thinks he knows better than any expert about anything.

So the problem is solved and it's not going to kill me to go and keep an eye on my children's safety. And as long as the kids are there for him to show off to people, he's fine with it. Thanks Ladies for all of your advice!
terran631 is offline  
#14 of 15 Old 05-04-2010, 10:00 PM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,782
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
honestly i would call the police and ask what you can do.

and then when he left with dd, i would call the police and tell on him.

it seems you have tried everything else. and its not working.

if the police listen the solution could be right there.

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is offline  
#15 of 15 Old 05-04-2010, 10:14 PM
 
brookie514's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Amherst, VA
Posts: 129
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post
honestly i would call the police and ask what you can do.

and then when he left with dd, i would call the police and tell on him.

it seems you have tried everything else. and its not working.

if the police listen the solution could be right there.
THIS. Every time.
brookie514 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off