Talk me out of turning dd forward facing! Small update - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 10:12 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Sfcmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: A little to the left
Posts: 329
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DD will be one next week and is at least 23 pounds (haven't weighed her in several months) and has been in the 80th or so percentile for height her whole life. She is an extremely social little girl who loves loves loves people and interacting with them.... Which is why I'm guessing she HATES the car so much. It's really the only time she cries (or me for that matter) and the only time we get into power struggles. (she's got this magical wet noodle corkscrew maneuver that makes it impossible to get her in the seat!) I have a mirror which helps a little and she's mostly ok when someone rides in the back with her but that is rare as we are usually by ourselves in the car. I've tried both our comfortsport and complete air but she freaks out equally in both. (maybe slightly more in the CA because the wings make it harder to see me) She used to throw up a lot in the car when she was an infant so I wonder if she's also a little car sick RFing...

I know in my rational brain how much safer RFing (and dont really need reminding here, thanks) but my emotional brain wonders if she'd be happier FFing. Does the emotional safety outweigh the risk? Also, how much safer can RFing be if I'm constantly torquing my body around trying to hold her hand or offer her a toy while driving? And old macdonald is running out of animals on his farm;0)

Seriously, it's to a point where I try to only go places within walking distance which sucks because she loooooves going to visit friends and family, to the aquarium, library, etc.

Help! Thanks!
Sfcmama is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 10:45 AM
 
jocelyndale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Charlottesville, VA
Posts: 3,546
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

RF didn't scar my child any more than denying him my glass of wine (not while driving, of course).  He cried about both when he was one.  He hated being restrained in the carseat until he was 2yo or so.  And then he grew to enjoy rides.  At 3.75yo, he's more often RF than not.  We rode the bus or walked quite a bit, saving car rides for times when DH could accompany us and one adult could sit in back.

 

RF is significantly safer at your daughter's age.  It's so much safer that it should really be a non-issue.  You've seen the crash test videos, right?


Chasing DS since April 2007 and pumping for DD March 2013.

jocelyndale is offline  
#3 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 12:11 PM
 
MariesMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: in the dirty mitten
Posts: 1,034
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I just wanted to say that the "magical wet noodle corkscrew maneuver" that is so obnoxious when they're rear-facing is even more so when facing forward, because she'll end up throwing herself onto the floor. Very social kids turn into backseat drivers when FFing! I had to turn DD around due to a crazy seating arrangement once, and all I heard was "Mama! Both hands on the wheel! Mama! Red means stop!" The red lights were brake lights, lol, but turning FFing is not necessarily going to turn her into a peaceful passenger. My DD also had to learn that "When Mama is driving, she can't get your toys. Look out the window." She'll get over it! :)


DD 2/08
MariesMama is offline  
#4 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 12:19 PM
 
happysmileylady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,193
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

Quote:
 Also, how much safer can RFing be if I'm constantly torquing my body around trying to hold her hand or offer her a toy while driving?

 Rear facing or forward facing...it doesn't become an issue until you are actually in a wreck.  Rear facing is safer in a wreck, but if it makes it more likely for you to wreck, that's not really safer.  The safest thing, if you have to drive, is to of course not get into an accident. 

 

So, what you have to ask yourself is, do you truely feel that having her rear facing makes you more likely to be in an accident?  If the answer is yes, than turn her.  If not, than don't.

happysmileylady is offline  
#5 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 12:20 PM
 
treeoflife3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tennessee/kentucky
Posts: 1,484
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I tried turning my kiddo forward facing as a one time thing to try to finish up a long trip home once... yeah... it was in no way better whatsoever.  at all.  it was horrible.  really.

 

My kiddo for the most part is pretty good about the car now.  She has a special blanket that I try to make sure we never forget (she needs it to sleep and its better in the car) and I have found a few go to songs that help her chill out (If I turn on 'if you're happy and you know it' it is almost guaranteed to have her happy in 5 seconds flat.) and honestly.... putting on a dvd of her favorite show works WONDERS when all else fails.  Not thrilled with that but it definitely works when I need it to.

treeoflife3 is offline  
#6 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 12:38 PM
 
erthe_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: The Canadian Prairies
Posts: 510
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I'd experiment with it once or twice. If it makes a huge difference, I'd turn her. If not, keep her RF. 

dayiscoming2006 and Brendalee like this.

I'm a queer, poly, pagan, (dis)abled, crazy, crunchy, intersectionally-minded feminist. fsonj & I are mamas to our unschooled/freeschooled 12yo & 3yo!  (Ask me about co-breastfeeding, supplementing at the breast, inducing lactation, eating placentas, undisturbed birth, and parenting a genderqueer child with Aspergers!)
erthe_mama is offline  
#7 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 01:18 PM
 
mama2soren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: slowly making a way home
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

 

Quote:
 Also, how much safer can RFing be if I'm constantly torquing my body around trying to hold her hand or offer her a toy while driving?

 

 

So, what you have to ask yourself is, do you truely feel that having her rear facing makes you more likely to be in an accident?  If the answer is yes, than turn her.  If not, than don't.


I disagree with the second quote.  Whether she's RF or FF won't make it any more or less likely that someone ELSE will get in an accident with you.  BUT, having her FF will make it 75% more likely that she will die or be seriously injured in such an accident.

 

Torquing your body around trying to hold her hand, etc., is not safe whether she's RF or FF.  Many children go through a fussy-in-the-car period, especially around 1 year of age.  My son certainly did!  For most kids it doesn't really matter whether they're FF or RF.  They just don't like being buckled in a car seat.  She'll outgrow it.  It's a totally frustrating stage but it will pass.  You need to make sure that you're making safe choices, though, by not doing all that turning around while driving.  If DS drops (or throws!) a toy, he knows he's out of luck until the next red light.

 

I think you need to ask yourself: What is the worst thing that could be done to her emotionally by keeping her RF?  Answer: she'll be cranky for a while, and car rides will be pretty frustrating.  But, what is the worst thing that could be done to her physically by turning her FF?  She could be killed... and you would know that such a tragedy might have been preventable.

 


OB RN, partner tobikenew.gif and mama to jog.gif (2008, 31 weeker) and babygirl.gif (2011) vbac.gif femalesling.GIF   novaxnocirc.gif  cd.gif

 
 

mama2soren is offline  
#8 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 01:22 PM
 
treeoflife3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tennessee/kentucky
Posts: 1,484
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Her point wasn't that keeping her RF would make it more likely that someone would crash into her, her point was that an overly distraught and crying child who can't be consoled will distract mama, both with the sounds and also with the emotions that come from hearing your kiddo crying so much when you just want to fix it and can't.  I've had times where kiddo was just crying and crying and I definitely wasn't being a safe driver.  It was extremely difficult to pay attention to the road and my surroundings appropriately when there is a screaming child in the back seat trying to get my attention (and succeeding!)  If EVERY car ride is like that, then FF just might be safer... sure it raises the damage that can be done to baby... but you can't stop a crying child like you can choose to not text or talk on the phone while driving.  I'd argue that some distracting children can be worse than driving while somewhat intoxicated.  If FF solves that problem, you are already safer.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2soren View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

 

Quote:
 Also, how much safer can RFing be if I'm constantly torquing my body around trying to hold her hand or offer her a toy while driving?

 

 

So, what you have to ask yourself is, do you truely feel that having her rear facing makes you more likely to be in an accident?  If the answer is yes, than turn her.  If not, than don't.


I disagree with the second quote.  Whether she's RF or FF won't make it any more or less likely that someone ELSE will get in an accident with you.  BUT, having her FF will make it 75% more likely that she will die or be seriously injured in such an accident.

 

Torquing your body around trying to hold her hand, etc., is not safe whether she's RF or FF.  Many children go through a fussy-in-the-car period, especially around 1 year of age.  My son certainly did!  For most kids it doesn't really matter whether they're FF or RF.  They just don't like being buckled in a car seat.  She'll outgrow it.  It's a totally frustrating stage but it will pass.  You need to make sure that you're making safe choices, though, by not doing all that turning around while driving.  If DS drops (or throws!) a toy, he knows he's out of luck until the next red light.

 

I think you need to ask yourself: What is the worst thing that could be done to her emotionally by keeping her RF?  Answer: she'll be cranky for a while, and car rides will be pretty frustrating.  But, what is the worst thing that could be done to her physically by turning her FF?  She could be killed... and you would know that such a tragedy might have been preventable.

 



treeoflife3 is offline  
#9 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 01:24 PM
 
starling&diesel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: West Coast, Canada
Posts: 3,813
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 14 Post(s)

Keep her rear-faced.  Better a miserable babe than a babe with a spinal cord injury!   How about a dvd player?  New toys?  Books on tape?  Favourite car-only music?  Special car-only treat in a special car-only snack cup? 

RF is the only way that your child knows.  Keep it that way for as long as you can! 

(A message from your friendly local paramedic who gets flack all the time for my RF two-year-old ... )


dust.gifFour-eyed tattooed fairy godmother queer, mama to my lucky star (5) and little bird (2.5). Resident storyteller at www.thestoryforest.com. Enchanting audiostories for curious kids. Come play in the forest!
starling&diesel is offline  
#10 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 04:58 PM
 
bobandjess99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern IN
Posts: 5,835
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It's not really an option to FF her, in terms of safety.  If you were 100% certain that letting her play in the street would make her happy, would you do it?  Or stick a fork in the lightsocket?  No, of course not.  FF is the same thing.  It's not safe.  

I agree to the DVD player, saved my LIFE.  Or toys or put her seat more upright or get another seat or give her snacks and sippies, promise her a car when she is 16, buy her a unicorn, let her scream..whatever.  It's just something you do.  :) 

Eris likes this.

CPST
bobandjess99 is offline  
#11 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 05:21 PM
 
DahliaRW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Near the beautiful Cascades!
Posts: 6,584
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Have you tried adjusting the seat angle?   She can be as upright as 30 degrees and sometimes that helps.

 

But, yes, I would keep her rfing.  Most kids that age hate being restrained.  RFing or FFing, doesn't make much of a difference.


Happily married to my dh, mama to ds1 (01/2005), ds2 (07/2007)  and dd (07/2009).
DahliaRW is online now  
#12 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 05:22 PM
 
happysmileylady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,193
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post

Her point wasn't that keeping her RF would make it more likely that someone would crash into her, her point was that an overly distraught and crying child who can't be consoled will distract mama, both with the sounds and also with the emotions that come from hearing your kiddo crying so much when you just want to fix it and can't.  I've had times where kiddo was just crying and crying and I definitely wasn't being a safe driver.  It was extremely difficult to pay attention to the road and my surroundings appropriately when there is a screaming child in the back seat trying to get my attention (and succeeding!)  If EVERY car ride is like that, then FF just might be safer... sure it raises the damage that can be done to baby... but you can't stop a crying child like you can choose to not text or talk on the phone while driving.  I'd argue that some distracting children can be worse than driving while somewhat intoxicated.  If FF solves that problem, you are already safer.
 

nak.  Thank You, yes, exactly.

 

Rear facing is less dangerous.....in an accident.  

Forward facing is more dangerous....in an accident.

 

Distracted driving is responsible for thousands and thousands of accidents.  A SCREAMING baby is distracting, whether mamma is trying to reach over the seat to provide comfort or not.  A mamma who is distracted is more likely to get into an accident.  Reducing the risk of getting into an accident makes the baby safer than rear facing ever could.  Because it's the accident that is the real danger. 

 

When I was in elementary school, I remember my dad coming home one evening in a pickup truck, with his mangled motorcycle in the truck bed.  He was on his way to work and in an accident.  His bike was totaled, and he was lucky to have survived with little injury as the force of the crash threw him from his bike and into a ditch across the street.  The person who hit him was a mother distracted by her screaming kids and she ran a red light. 

 

If turning a child reduces mammas risk of causing an accident, the child is automatically safer.  It's safer to avoid an accident in the first place than to try to mitigate the risks of an accident already occuring.

happysmileylady is offline  
#13 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 05:42 PM
 
Bebe's Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Queenstown, MD
Posts: 280
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

DD was RF until around 13 months..She was really uncomfortable and just hated being RF. We turned her around and she is much happier because now she can see us. I agree that it is technically safer to keep her RF as long as possible, but if you are distracted by her crying while you are driving, you could increase your chances of having an accident..Just something to think about.

erthe_mama likes this.

fly-by-nursing1.gifSAHM living on the beautiful Eastern Shore with my husband the car nut banghead.gif, and bebe Eleanor, born 9/16/09 luxlove.gif plus two kitties! cat.gif
Bebe's Mom is offline  
#14 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 06:32 PM
 
treeoflife3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tennessee/kentucky
Posts: 1,484
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Of course, if its POSSIBLE to help them not be so unhappy RF, then you should exhaust all those options first (special toy/lovey, dvd, mirror, song, snack, drink, etc) but I do think some kids just seriously won't accept it.  My kid was worse FF the one time I caved and tried and now we are just fine but some kids are like jekyll and hyde when it comes to RF and FF and nothing you can do will change that.

 

OP, exhaust all your options.  Maybe there is a song that will comfort her or a snack you'll let her munch on (I always said I was never going to let my kids eat in the car... ha!)  For military families, we have this thing called a 'daddy doll' where you can put a picture of the deployed parent (usually the dad, hence the name) and maybe that would help her... a doll with a picture of mommy on it.  in the end though, if you just can't make it work a non distracted mom is safer for baby.  Make sure you have the seat in perfectly and no second guessing on how correctly the straps are on and enjoy being able to focus so you can get to destinations without having to thank God (or whatever) that you made it safely despite the distraction and stress.  One of the first rules in drivers ed was to not drive when you were really tired or really emotional because they are similar to driving under the influence.  Its all a distraction that messes up your reaction times.  An inconsolable baby or child I think falls under that.

treeoflife3 is offline  
#15 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 06:38 PM
 
an_aurora's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Palmer, AK
Posts: 6,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Absolutely keep her RF.  It's impossible to keep kids happy 100% of the time, and RF is SO much safer.  Having a quiet kid doesn't make you any less likely to be hit by someone else.  


CPST & mom

an_aurora is offline  
#16 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 06:50 PM
 
bri276's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 5,848
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Personally, I would not be able to live with myself if my child were internally decapitated because I FF before I had to.  I learned to force myself to tune out screaming by telling myself that they were safe and we would get to our destination in X minutes and pulling over to comfort them if absolutely necessary.  I would be much more distracted by the fear of their imminent death in even a small accident if they were FF before necessary.


DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
bri276 is offline  
#17 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 07:12 PM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 42,826
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

For me it comes down to- could I live with myself if my child was injured or killed because of my decision.  For that reason my kids will rf as long as possible.  Ds is 2.5 and I am looking to get him a new seat to keep him rf as long as possible.

 

-Angela

alegna is offline  
#18 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 07:35 PM
 
happysmileylady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,193
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by an_aurora View Post

Absolutely keep her RF.  It's impossible to keep kids happy 100% of the time, and RF is SO much safer.  Having a quiet kid doesn't make you any less likely to be hit by someone else.  


But it can absolutely make it less likely for the mamma to hit someone else...or a tree...or a light pole...or miss the turn, or whatever.  And if the mamma hits someone else, that is still an accident. 
 

happysmileylady is offline  
#19 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 07:41 PM
 
happysmileylady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,193
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by bri276 View Post

Personally, I would not be able to live with myself if my child were internally decapitated because I FF before I had to.  I learned to force myself to tune out screaming by telling myself that they were safe and we would get to our destination in X minutes and pulling over to comfort them if absolutely necessary.  I would be much more distracted by the fear of their imminent death in even a small accident if they were FF before necessary.

That's why it's something that the mamma has to ask for herself.  The question is, is the screaming child so distracting to the mamma that it puts them at risk of causing an accident?  If not, then leave the child rear facing.  But, if the screaming child puts mamma at risk of running a red light and hitting someone on a motorcycle, then try the child out FF.  Because avoiding causing the accident in the first place is the safest option of all.

 

dayiscoming2006 likes this.
happysmileylady is offline  
#20 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 07:54 PM
 
lookatreestar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 971
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

the videos on youtube are pretty convincing. now that my dd is almost 4 she begs to be rfing like her little brother. it really is more comfortable than her legs hanging down (esp with heavy shoes).


mama to one '07 and one '09
lookatreestar is offline  
#21 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 08:12 PM
 
allical1284's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I don't even consider turning my kids around at that age to even be an option.  I agree with what many others have said; the whole hating the seat episodes are probably a phase that will lessen over time regardless of FF/RFing.  I also agree with exhausting all other options first.  At home, DD is TV-free, has VERY few battery operated toys, etc..., but in the car that kid can navigate an iphone like no other!!! I am perfectly ok with her flipping through pictures and playing crappy app games if it means keeping her happy and safe in the car.  Also, she gets snacks on long trips that we would never dream of giving her at home! Oatmeal raisin cookies? fig newtons? Noooo problem! She can happily munch away on junk food while riding because a happy baby = a happy attentive momma on the road.  


Me,fly-by-nursing2.gif wife to DH familybed2.gif , SAHM to DD (4/26/09) and DS (4/9/11) h20homebirth.gif cd.gif
 
 
 
  
allical1284 is offline  
#22 of 58 Old 02-05-2011, 08:15 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Sfcmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: A little to the left
Posts: 329
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

OP here. Thanks for everyone's responses and PMs. Special thanks to everyone who understands how distracting and dangerous it is to drive when your child is so completely distressed! I posted because I feel like I have exhausted all my options and genuinely do have concerns about my ability to drive safely under these conditions. This is not a phase as she has always been like this, its just worsened with age. I also maybe should have added that we almost always are driving stop and go in the city, which is a factor for me in my decision making algorithm (which includes other things like the high safety rating of my car, not texting/talking, being somewhat rested, etc.).

FWIW, a couple people sent me PMs supporting the decision to turn her if it really makes a huge difference because they didn't want to deal with reactions in the forum. I was surprised at first that they felt this way but, to be honest, I understand them after reading all the responses. As caring, well-intentioned parents, we all want the best for our child so it's difficult to hear people suggesting that you are deliberately exposing your child to harm by turning them (or vaxing/not vaxing, formula feeding, WOH, etc.). While I don't agree with some of the comparisons made, I'm going to sit with that idea before I make a decision. Given that accidents are unavoidable in life, I'm sure there will come a time that I I'll feel horrible for something that has happened to my daughter so I'm just preparing for that no matter what.

Ok. all that to say that I appreciate responses on both sides and have a lot to think about and discuss with dh. And as emotions get triggered, I also feel compelled to give thanks for the privileged problem that this is - if only all mamas in the world had safe transportation for their babes!

 

erthe_mama and Brendalee like this.
Sfcmama is offline  
#23 of 58 Old 02-06-2011, 09:57 AM
 
outlier's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: far from average
Posts: 523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'll throw this out there only because I didn't see it mentioned, but have you considered using earplugs while driving?  Turning down the noise a bit may help you focus more on the road.  You would still be able to hear emergency vehicles and honking (well, as much as possible with a screaming child in the car), plus hearing-impaired people drive around just fine.


9/2011 items decluttered
outlier is offline  
#24 of 58 Old 02-06-2011, 10:19 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Have you taken her to Buy Buy Baby or another babysuperstore to try out carseats?  You could just stick her in seats until she stops screaming in one. 

 

Have you tried crazy cool "car" toys?  I don't drive, but my ex does, and ds has TONS of little toys in the car (even though he's FF now).

 

Whats her favorite thing?  Do you do plastic toys?  Something bright and flashy might get her to chill out a bit. 

 

If you've really done everything, find the safest, best forward facing carseat there is.  And then see if it works.  My good friends son has a 20minute car limit.  After that, its all over.  He just hates the car - he did RF, and he does FF - its better FF b/c now she can hand him snacks, sippy cups, whatever, but he just hates the car.

 

We all do the best we can with what we have.  It's really all we can do.

 

Oh yeah, one more thing.  Have you tried ignoring her?  As in saying, Sorry babe, we're in the car, I'll get you out when we get there.  And then just driving and ignoring her?  The car was my one thing when ds was younger   (and I actually drive) he went into the seat at the beginning of the ride, and then out when we got to our destination.  Period.  No getting out.  If he was going to scream that was fine, but he still wasn't coming out.  Now that she's just about a year old, you could probably start ignoring her and she'll get it eventually that screaming just doesn't work.  At some point you have to stop letting the screaming upset you in the car, yk?  I know that kicks me out of the AP club, but if her screaming upsets you that much, turning her around may not help b/c she might just keep screaming.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#25 of 58 Old 02-06-2011, 10:26 AM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,440
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, I turned my oldest (a car screamer) around on his birthday. I didn't know about the benefits of extended rear facing, but I might have done the same thing had I known. Turning him around was like night and day in the car. I'm someone who actually got into an accident while trying to deal with him screaming in the back seat - luckily, it was only a fender bender. I kept my dd rear facing until she was 18 months or so (she was very, very big and outgrew the rear facing limit of her seat then) and my youngest until well past his third birthday, so I don't deny the positive effects of rear facing. It's just - sometimes a mom (and babe) can only take so much.
dayiscoming2006 likes this.
eclipse is offline  
#26 of 58 Old 02-06-2011, 10:38 AM
 
starling&diesel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: West Coast, Canada
Posts: 3,813
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 14 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sfcmama View Post

 

OP here. Thanks for everyone's responses and PMs. Special thanks to everyone who understands how distracting and dangerous it is to drive when your child is so completely distressed! I posted because I feel like I have exhausted all my options and genuinely do have concerns about my ability to drive safely under these conditions. This is not a phase as she has always been like this, its just worsened with age. I also maybe should have added that we almost always are driving stop and go in the city, which is a factor for me in my decision making algorithm (which includes other things like the high safety rating of my car, not texting/talking, being somewhat rested, etc.).

FWIW, a couple people sent me PMs supporting the decision to turn her if it really makes a huge difference because they didn't want to deal with reactions in the forum. I was surprised at first that they felt this way but, to be honest, I understand them after reading all the responses. As caring, well-intentioned parents, we all want the best for our child so it's difficult to hear people suggesting that you are deliberately exposing your child to harm by turning them (or vaxing/not vaxing, formula feeding, WOH, etc.). While I don't agree with some of the comparisons made, I'm going to sit with that idea before I make a decision. Given that accidents are unavoidable in life, I'm sure there will come a time that I I'll feel horrible for something that has happened to my daughter so I'm just preparing for that no matter what.

Ok. all that to say that I appreciate responses on both sides and have a lot to think about and discuss with dh. And as emotions get triggered, I also feel compelled to give thanks for the privileged problem that this is - if only all mamas in the world had safe transportation for their babes!

 

You titled this thread "Talk me out of turning dd forward facing!"  This implies a desire to be swayed in a particular direction, so it's not surprising that the majority of reactions and posts are supportive of RF.   I'd invite the people who PM'd you to join a more open discussion about their choices to support FF a child in this situation.  Bring on the opinions! 


dust.gifFour-eyed tattooed fairy godmother queer, mama to my lucky star (5) and little bird (2.5). Resident storyteller at www.thestoryforest.com. Enchanting audiostories for curious kids. Come play in the forest!
starling&diesel is offline  
#27 of 58 Old 02-06-2011, 10:53 AM
 
JamieB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 481
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

OP if end end up turning her ff now, there is a really good chance that she may be happy to be turned back rfing when she is a little older.  I've read about quite a few people who turned their older dc back to rfing after they learned about the benefits of extended rfing.  Once they understand a little more it is less of an issue.  My DS insisted that I turn his seat around so he could sit like his baby brother :)


Jamie, busy Mama to my sweet little O Man, loving wife to Brian, and very excited about our new addition, the J Man, here after ourh20homebirth.gif
                                                   Unexpectedly expecting a new little one in November!!!belly.gif
JamieB is offline  
#28 of 58 Old 02-06-2011, 02:35 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Sfcmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: A little to the left
Posts: 329
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Lots to respond to and the multi-quote drives me bonkers so I'll try refer to pp as I reply...

 

- Yes, i did title this "talk me out of turning dd" but I do appreciate the less common responses that basically gave me permission to be an imperfect mama for the sake of sanity (both mine and dd's).  Sometimes we have to make less than perfect decisions in order to keep life bareable and it's nice to be able to do so without feeling judged.  Maybe that's were the PM mamas were coming from? I dunno, but appreciate them as much as the other responses.

 

- I did have dd try every carseat in the store which is how we ended up with the two we have.  Special car toys buy me about 5 minutes and I'm thinking the next trick I try is an iphone app.  Our phones have been completely off limits until now so I hate opening that can of worms but will do so ONLY for the car.

 

- Ear plugs and toughing it out as she cries are just not sustainable options for me for many reasons.  For one, I have a very sensitive job that requires me to be in a very balanced place in order to serve my clients.  Although I only work 2 half days, I have to have those 2 car rides to grandma's to be without non-stop screaming.  Just an unchangeable factor for me.

 

There's more but gotta run.  Thanks again for everyone's thoughtful responses.

erthe_mama likes this.
Sfcmama is offline  
#29 of 58 Old 02-06-2011, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Sfcmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: A little to the left
Posts: 329
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by JamieB View Post

OP if end end up turning her ff now, there is a really good chance that she may be happy to be turned back rfing when she is a little older.  I've read about quite a few people who turned their older dc back to rfing after they learned about the benefits of extended rfing.  Once they understand a little more it is less of an issue.  My DS insisted that I turn his seat around so he could sit like his baby brother :)



 Ahhh, yes.  Another good point.  It doesn't have to be as black and white as I was making it.

Sfcmama is offline  
#30 of 58 Old 02-06-2011, 02:59 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:

Originally Posted by starling&diesel View Post

 

You titled this thread "Talk me out of turning dd forward facing!"  This implies a desire to be swayed in a particular direction, so it's not surprising that the majority of reactions and posts are supportive of RF.   I'd invite the people who PM'd you to join a more open discussion about their choices to support FF a child in this situation.  Bring on the opinions! 


You know, I really wouldn't want to join a discussion of this nature when people imply that you will be causing your child to become internally decapitated if you turn them FF. 

 

I think parents should do the absolute best they can, but when its unbearable, something needs to change.

 

OP, looks like if its just 2 car-rides a week your probably not at too much risk of getting into an accident.  It also sounds like she might just hate the car - my friends baby does and its no fun.  Hopefully turning her around will lessen how much she hates it, and it did slightly for my friend, but he still fusses and cries.

dayiscoming2006 likes this.
Super~Single~Mama is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off