Confession Session ..... Get it off your Chest - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 79 Old 03-03-2008, 12:55 AM
 
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I feel like a horrible mom, I LOVE and adore my dsd but i find myself hopeing my child doesn't take after her and my patience with her is just dwindling. I also worry i'll end up being less of a mom to her when i have this baby, but i don't know if theres anyway to help that. I sometimes wish her mom was around more so some of the pressure would be taken off me, and at the same time i wish her mom wasn't around at all so there wouldn't be these inconsistancys which make it harder to parent her.

: feminist mama to DD 04/08
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#62 of 79 Old 03-03-2008, 01:32 PM
 
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I feel guilty because I don't want my mom present at my birth or for several hours following. I know intellectually that this is common -- a lot of women don't want their moms around -- but emotionally I wish I DID want her there because I think she would like to be there so much. This weekend she visited and pleaded for me not to wait until I was too far along in labor before I called her to tell her the baby was on his way. She said that she had "talked to other grandparents" who all said it was "very important to be there right after the birth." But I don't want to call her until things are pretty progressed, and I want a few hours afterward where it's just me, my husband and the baby getting to know eachother. And I feel mad at her for making any demands on me at all -- shouldn't she be concerned about what's important to ME, not to "other grandparents"? But then I also feel guilty for feeling mad and sad that we don't have the kind of relationship that she wishes we had. At this point, I wish we lived thousands of miles away from all the grandparents. This is everyone's first grandchild, and there's just so much anticipation all around. I know it's awful, but deep down, I don't feel like sharing our baby (with anyone but my husband) -- especially in the beginning.
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#63 of 79 Old 03-03-2008, 05:19 PM
 
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I don't want to share either! I already told my parents not to start planning visits until late May/June. And even though MIL is living with us, I don't want to bring baby out of my room until maybe a week after the birth and she can just wait!

Mom to DD ('06) and DS ('08)
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#64 of 79 Old 03-04-2008, 04:04 PM
 
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Yeah, I feel like my mom is way over-invested in this baby, like she thinks of it as her experience instead of my experience. And is personally offended whenever I take ownership of it. Sigh.
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#65 of 79 Old 03-04-2008, 05:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by paphia View Post
even though MIL is living with us
Ok, you'll probably find this amusing, paphia...

You know how sometimes, you read something fast, and the letters get mixed up a bit? And you see a different word or words than what's really there?

Somehow, the "even" and the "living" in the above quote got mashed together in my brain, so I read "evil MIL."

And I thought, "Well, yeah, but she doesn't usually SAY stuff like that..." then got it on the double-take.
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#66 of 79 Old 03-04-2008, 06:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ProvidenceEastSide View Post
I know it's awful, but deep down, I don't feel like sharing our baby (with anyone but my husband) -- especially in the beginning.
There's nothing awful about it--this is your baby, your first baby--your ONLY first baby.

So many new mothers are still being robbed of the first moments (hours) after birth these days....and the women of our mothers' generation were most certainly robbed of this special time. For heaven's sake--my parents had no idea what meconium was, because the RNs in the nursery were changing those dipes.

It's very sad, because the only way for some of our mothers who were denied their right to be with their own newborn baby seize THIS oppertunity...and they don't want to let it go, because they know how precious and special it is.

But stand firm, if you desire your own time with your newborn...otherwise you might find yourself in "greedy grandma" mode in 30 years or so......
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#67 of 79 Old 03-04-2008, 06:34 PM
 
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Thanks tinyshoes for your words of wisdom! Maybe that's why my mom is being so crazy -- because her birthing experience was not what she wanted it to be (unplanned pregnancy, long hard labor, c-section where she was put completely under).

If I were to play armchair psychologist, I'd say that she's also hoping that this baby will heal the rift between us. But I certainly don't want our son to be in that role! Talk about pressure...
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#68 of 79 Old 03-04-2008, 07:07 PM
 
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I just stumbled upon this post:

Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturallyPeachey View Post
I still have days where I feel guilty/selfish about bringing a baby into this world for several reasons, the biggest being I have celiac disease and the baby will be at high risk for it since DH has it too. Not that celiac is the end of the world but being 29 and dealing with it is hard, being 5, 8, 15, 20 and dealing with it would suck even more
Hey, I have it too, and I plan on having lots and lots of kids! For a little while I wondered if that was the right choice. I didn't know I had it as a child, and yes, I think it would be tough when you can't have pizza at a sleepover, or birthday cake, and have to deal with it when dating...but here's a couple of positive notes about it:

1. Diagnosis is becoming much more common. Yes, I increasingly have to deal with people who claim they also can't have gluten because they think it's a weight loss method (yeah, as if I could give up all the high calorie baked goods!), but there are a whole lot more actual Celiac diagnoses out there than there were years ago. So, it's being seen as less and less of a weird, obscure thing, which will make it easier for our kids.

2. My diet is WAY better post-dx than before. I feel great, and really enjoy cooking. I'm so aware of what I ingest, and I'm much healthier than I would have been had I kept eating my previous diet, which was healthier than average anyhow. So, I will pass healthful habits on to my kids, Celiac disease or not, and that will help them for the rest of their lives. That is a wonderful gift parents can give to their children.
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#69 of 79 Old 03-04-2008, 08:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ProvidenceEastSide View Post
If I were to play armchair psychologist, I'd say that she's also hoping that this baby will heal the rift between us. But I certainly don't want our son to be in that role! Talk about pressure...
Well, no, you definitely don't want to put him in that role or hold him responsible for that duty in any way.

But at the same time... I found becoming a mother to be a very healing experience for me. That's not "on" my son in any way; he is who he is. But part of the healing, for me, is to be the kind of mom I didn't have and always needed (and of course, having the opportunity to recognize that, and I'm still grieving over what I need to let go of ever having from her).

My relationship with my mom isn't necessarily "better" as a result, though I'd say it's healthier.... for me at the least! (Probably for her too, because I no longer reflexively reinforce her twisted view of the world.)
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#70 of 79 Old 03-04-2008, 09:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ProvidenceEastSide View Post
I know it's awful, but deep down, I don't feel like sharing our baby (with anyone but my husband) -- especially in the beginning.
Ugh thats not awful. I am not sharing MY baby for weeks and weeks. MAYBE not even with my husband : but definitely not with friends, not with my mom, and DEFINITELY not with my MIL.

...cuz he's mine, so there.
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#71 of 79 Old 03-05-2008, 01:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by paphia View Post
I want to slap her in the head and throw her off the bed (I never would!).
I understand that more than you'll ever know.

My 4 yr old is driving me crazy.

I keep telling myself its ok to think it, its ok to be frustrated, its not ok to do it.

Im a broc1.giflovinghippie.giffly-by-nursing2.gifcd.gif  novaxnocirc.gif
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#72 of 79 Old 03-06-2008, 11:33 AM
 
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My husband and I aren't currently talking. I am way angry.

Yesterday I woke up not feeling very well at all. I was dizzy and just felt "off". It doesn't help that I needed immediately to carry my 20 month old down the stairs, have him on my hip as I make him breakfast, then volt both him, and my 9 month pregnant self over the barrier of our living room .

I have to wake up my husband for work, and he was a *bear* to try to get up. He finally ambles down the stairs to tell me that he isn't taking the bus as he normally will, but he is going to be driving to the train (thus taking our only car) because he feels like it.

I mentioned the fact that I wasn't feeling well which got a very generic "oh, sorry" before he went on his way.

Later on in the day he informs me that he set up a dinner meeting with his old boss, and he probably wont be home until 8. Normally he gets home at 5:30. I have an issue with this, because this meeting is for a job. A job that my husband does *not* want. But his old boss insist on him meeting face to face and the only time he can do it is in the evenings. Not even on the weekends, because his old boss works those too until 5.

I tried to point out to my "dh" that he wasn't really interested in the job anyway, and if he was.. shouldn't his old boss try to work around his schedule since he claims he wants him so bad? Still nothing, he is going. That's that. I am way pissed, to which he responses that he's "sad" but he understands. Yeah, I don't think he does because if he DID, I really don't think he would have pulled that.


. Which leaves me with the cranky 20 month old all day without a break (who's into hitting/pinching/biting phase). Not feeling well at all, having contractions on and off, and having no way to get anywhere for the whole day and night. We also had limited amount of food in the house to which my husband countered that he would bring something home to cook it. Which is *not* feasible as dinner wouldn't be ready until 8:30 and that is too late for the boy and I to eat. Since the boy goes to bed at 9. This is not news to my husband, the boy has been in this pattern for months.

Well, my husband finally rolls in at 8:45 last night. About 45 minutes after he said he would be home. No call, no nothing. And the first thing he does? He gets ON his laptop, completely ignoring our son. I told him he may want to spend some time with his kid which was just a suggestion. I took a few minutes to cool off, before I had to start the night time ritual. Getting his diaper/clothes ready, getting his sippy cup.. then taking him into the shower with me so we can both rinse off.

Even though I had to wake him up for work again, we still aren't talking. I feel like he takes me for granted way too much. That no matter how much I tell him how I feel, he doesn't get it. He just thinks I should take it in stride, without a whimper or complaint. That I should be able to solider through it. The reality of it is, if the tables were turned and HE was the one in this position.. He would be a freakin' mess and would not be able to take it at all.

I have to listen to his complaining when he takes the boy for a few hours on Sunday (compared to the several I take him when he sleeps in until 10-11am on Sunday) so I can sleep in about how hard it is. Something that I deal with 6 days a week . When I point out now he knows how it feels, he snaps back that its not a pissing contest. He still won't cut me ANY amount of slack, and it's frustrating.

I am sorry for this going on so long.. I just have a lot on my chest this morning and it really weights heavier than normal.
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#73 of 79 Old 03-06-2008, 01:09 PM
 
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spookymama.
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#74 of 79 Old 03-06-2008, 01:12 PM
 
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I've gained 5 lbs this week as a result of eating 20 cinnamon buns and half a black forest cake. They were homemade but still!

Sweets are evil! I need to go back to my old salty self.
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#75 of 79 Old 03-06-2008, 01:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sparkly View Post
2. My diet is WAY better post-dx than before. I feel great, and really enjoy cooking. I'm so aware of what I ingest, and I'm much healthier than I would have been had I kept eating my previous diet, which was healthier than average anyhow. So, I will pass healthful habits on to my kids, Celiac disease or not, and that will help them for the rest of their lives. That is a wonderful gift parents can give to their children.
So true! I'm a MUCH better cook than I used to be, since I started really having to work at working *around* gluten and dairy. That right there is a great thing to give my kids... yummy food!
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#76 of 79 Old 03-06-2008, 01:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ProvidenceEastSide View Post
I feel guilty because I don't want my mom present at my birth or for several hours following. I know intellectually that this is common -- a lot of women don't want their moms around -- but emotionally I wish I DID want her there because I think she would like to be there so much. This weekend she visited and pleaded for me not to wait until I was too far along in labor before I called her to tell her the baby was on his way. She said that she had "talked to other grandparents" who all said it was "very important to be there right after the birth." But I don't want to call her until things are pretty progressed, and I want a few hours afterward where it's just me, my husband and the baby getting to know eachother. And I feel mad at her for making any demands on me at all -- shouldn't she be concerned about what's important to ME, not to "other grandparents"? But then I also feel guilty for feeling mad and sad that we don't have the kind of relationship that she wishes we had. At this point, I wish we lived thousands of miles away from all the grandparents. This is everyone's first grandchild, and there's just so much anticipation all around. I know it's awful, but deep down, I don't feel like sharing our baby (with anyone but my husband) -- especially in the beginning.
I'm not in your DDC, but I feel the exact same way. There is no reason to feel guilty about wanting that time alone with your husband and baby. I told my mom that there will be plenty of time for her to snuggle the baby after he/she comes home. I keep telling her that I want a peaceful, stress-free birth as possible. I think it is a control thing with most mothers/grandmas. For my mom, it sure is.
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#77 of 79 Old 03-08-2008, 09:21 AM
 
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I just really, really need to vent. It finally hit me yesterday that I've entered that "unknown" zone of pregnancy. Where I feel mostly ready but my body is just not cooperating with me - either not going into labor or just feel so big and uncomfortable that all I have the energy or mental capacity to do is sit on couch. Really not a good thing to do with 2 yr old and 4 yr old boys in the house... that I'm not only supposed to watch, but feed and parent and entertain to some extent or the other. And yet, I could technically be pregnant for another 5 weeks. I. JUST.CAN'T. DO.THIS!!!!!!!
I had a horrible day yesterday. I am so uncomfortable (feeling big, having baby kick and punch my intestines and bladder constantly... I don't know why it hurts so much more this time around).
I broke down yesterday evening. Dh came home right at six but was home for two minutes because he had a meeting he had to go to that he forgot to tell me about. I hadn't made dinner yet (was expecting to help him in the kitchen) and the kids were hungry, even with the snack I'd given them to hold them over. They were getting on each others' nerves, got into my yarn stash and unraveled a bunch of stuff. So of course, I yelled. Time out doesn't work. Counting doesn't work. Separating them doesn't work. Everytime I got settled on the couch (the most central place in the house I can park my butt down and still feel like I can see/monitor what they are doing), one of them would come up and ask for this or that. Mommy, I'm done going poopies (need a wipe), Mommy, can I have a snack (get up and get a snack for both of them), Mommy can I have a glass of milk (get up again), Mommy, brrr, I'm freezing (try to no avail to get him to find the sweatshirt I put on him in the morning but he keeps taking off). And it just got to the point where I had to start saying, if you want something, you need to ask for it when mommy is up.
The whining, the screaming, the fact that I just CAN'T keep up with them has got me so down right now. I've become a monster mommy. I feel like I'm growling at them all the time. I tried to engage them from my place on the couch and make suggestions on things they could do, making my voice all animated and excited, and that helped for like 4 minutes, then it was back to the whole, he hit me, and he spit on me, and Gabriel is using his toothbrush to clean poopies off the sink (why is there poop on the bathroom sink in the first place????)!!!!
I dont' have anyone who I can just call and say, can you take the kids to the park for me etc... or maybe I do I just don't want to bother people. One of the women from my knitting group offered to watch my kids sometime this coming week so I can go out with dh at least once before the baby is born. But I didn't even have the energy/mental stamina to go look up movie times and plan a date and call her with times etc...

Ugh. don't even get me started on the "no patience" thing anymore. Did anyone see the woman on the news who was in one of those self wash car wash drive in places? She was caught on tape spraying her daughter when her daughter started throwing a tantrum. She said she was trying to get her to stop. And as horrible as it sounds I can empathize with her (she was pregnant too). You just want to crawl in a hole and not have any responsibilities except for growing this baby and preparing for birth. And anything that takes energy away from you is more than just an annoyance... horrible as it may sound that could include spouse or child. My 4 year old will act in ways where I will literally run to my room and slam the door and scream into a pillow because I just can't take the frustration of being so preoccupied, um, pregnant, AND having to creatively and lovingly deal with his immaturity and his own sense of power and self. I'm just not in a postition to do that right now but I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.

I don't know what else to say but it sure feels good to vent.
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#78 of 79 Old 03-08-2008, 09:33 AM
 
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awww willemsmama...

I'm sorry its a grizzly time. I think a lot of us can empathize...don't be so hard on yourself tho, you've got a lot to deal with! I am so the same way of not asking for help...but i think if you knew someone was in your shoes and you were able, you would be blessed to help THEM, right? Well...take advantage of that lady from knitting group...go out with your DH (getting a change of scenery/freedom from kids helps sooo much). Find someone to take the kids to the park even once so you can nap...you don't have much time left before the baby comes and you NEED your rest and energy for the big day and bonding time afterwards...

Maybe even bust out some of your frozen meals now? One meal i love to make when i'm exhausted/sick/whatever is those Zatarians rice mixes (Jambalya or Red beans and rice) basically cooking the rice and adding some cooked sausage...filling, satisfying and easy/quick/cheap!)

Take care of yourself, mama...and don't feel guilty...this has got to be hard having a 2, 4 and 37+week baby!
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#79 of 79 Old 03-09-2008, 01:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Organicavocado View Post
Ugh thats not awful. I am not sharing MY baby for weeks and weeks. MAYBE not even with my husband : but definitely not with friends, not with my mom, and DEFINITELY not with my MIL.

...cuz he's mine, so there.
I have told mine on more then one occasion that he needs to "get his own!"

Mama to one boy 12/98, one girl 5/08 and a new addition!!!! 2/23/11 Vincent Michael joy.gif
 
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