(whine) I can't do anything! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 06-15-2008, 02:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm starting to get resentful here and I really don't mean to be. I'm trying hard not to be.
I love my baby soooo much but I can't stand that I can't just GO anywhere anymore. It's not so much the packing the diaper bag and other miscellaneous items I need to bring along all the time but the fact that I can't go anywhere unless he's sleeping when we head out the door or he just SCREAMS the whole car ride. And even if I do go out while he's asleep I gotta watch out he doesn't wake up while we're in the store.
My blood just boils when I have to listen to him cry in the car.
Every red light and stop sign is my enemy!
I'm jealous that my husband can just pick up and go whenever he pleases and I'm always stuck with the baby.
I can't wait till this stops- will it ever stop?
Ughhhhh,
I feel like crap for thinking this way but it's so stressful!
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#2 of 13 Old 06-15-2008, 03:03 PM
 
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I'm right there with you. It's so hard feeling so cooped up and just ... stuck. I try to remind myself that in a few months things will be different, but it's so hard to wait for things to get easier.

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#3 of 13 Old 06-15-2008, 03:31 PM
 
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I feel the same way I have places that i HAVE to go, for my other kids. I dread the days that we have Karate or skating lessons, because he screams sooo hard in the car no matter how short his finger nails are he still claws his face up. It is hard for the other kids too! This too shall pass.
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#4 of 13 Old 06-15-2008, 06:57 PM
 
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It is hard, I agree. With twins, I'm planning on being/feeling stuck for a long time. We don't dare go out in the car unless we absolutely have to; just the thought of being ALONE with them in general - at home - scares the crap out of me. One mom was not meant to 'play zone' with two babies!!! I have had DH at home with me or my mom for the last 5 weeks. I won't be alone during the day until a couple more weeks, and then only for several days before my in-laws arrive to help for a month. After that we travel to PA to stay with my family for 3 weeks - but ohhhh boy am I dreading cross country plane travel with two 3 month old babies!!!
Thank goodness that some days are easier than others, and that babies do smile and coo

Oh, NewMa - you say that you are always stuck with the baby while your DH can go where he pleases. Why can't you arrange for some alone time while your DH stays with Levi? The one nice thing about having my mom here was that she and DH or another person stayed with the twins a few times while I ran errands or went shopping for some larger clothes that actually fit me. If we only had one baby (or had family nearby to help with twins), we'd be doing this a lot more often so that I could have some 'me' time and the same for DH.

Mama to twin girls Adele and Nadia, born 5/2008
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#5 of 13 Old 06-15-2008, 08:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by kjoy2 View Post
Oh, NewMa - you say that you are always stuck with the baby while your DH can go where he pleases. Why can't you arrange for some alone time while your DH stays with Levi? .
I should, I really should. But I'm having some trust issues I guess.
My hubby and I have been together for 8 years now (married 2 years in September) and have always gotten along great.
Things have been sorta stressed since the baby came though.
I'm figuring this is normal and will pass.
It's not really that bad, we love each other and, the majority of the time, we get along really well still but I have a fear of something bad happening with him home alone with the baby.
I know it has to happen sometime but the baby's still so little
DH gets easily frustrated by Levi crying and has very little patience.
He hasn't had luck giving him a bottle yet either.
And I'm worried about him taking a nap with the baby.
He's a hard sleeper and I've seen him start to fall asleep with the baby in his arms and as he gets deeper into his sleep his hands start to slip and the baby starts falling off of him and he doesn't even realize it!
I'm just so paranoid!
I have to get over these fears!
I feel like I'm babysitting DH when he's got his hands on the baby.
I'm still just super overprotective I guess...
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#6 of 13 Old 06-15-2008, 09:38 PM
 
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I understand about the crying in the car, I don't know what to do

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#7 of 13 Old 06-16-2008, 12:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ~NewMa~ View Post
I should, I really should. But I'm having some trust issues I guess.
My hubby and I have been together for 8 years now (married 2 years in September) and have always gotten along great.
Things have been sorta stressed since the baby came though.
I'm figuring this is normal and will pass.
It's not really that bad, we love each other and, the majority of the time, we get along really well still but I have a fear of something bad happening with him home alone with the baby.
I know it has to happen sometime but the baby's still so little
DH gets easily frustrated by Levi crying and has very little patience.
He hasn't had luck giving him a bottle yet either.
And I'm worried about him taking a nap with the baby.
He's a hard sleeper and I've seen him start to fall asleep with the baby in his arms and as he gets deeper into his sleep his hands start to slip and the baby starts falling off of him and he doesn't even realize it!
I'm just so paranoid!
I have to get over these fears!
I feel like I'm babysitting DH when he's got his hands on the baby.
I'm still just super overprotective I guess...
Now I understand! I do think that this is normal. This is one of the reasons I've been happy to have twins - DH HAS to be involved, and I HAVE to let him... I have bit my tongue often, and he has surprised me with good fathering skills. And when in doubt, he often mirrors me!

Have you talked with your DH about (your desire to get out and) your natural mom fears? I mean, we moms have hormones in us to make us uber protective of our babes. If you start sentences with 'I feel...', it will make him less defensive and maybe more open to your concerns. Also, do you have any parenting tips around the house? For instance, a one-page print out of ideas of how to calm a fussy baby might be a good way to offer him some advice without being prescriptive, and then throw in a confidence builder (for instance, "I found this list of ideas for how to calm a baby. I bet you'll be able to find one that works.") Does he know how to swaddle, shoosh, gently shake/swing, and offer a pacifier? I've found that these steps (in order) never fail to calm a wailing little one. You'll, of course, have to LET your DH calm the baby and not step in. It will be awful to hear your LO cry, but even worse in the long run if your DH feels that he cannot calm the baby or that you won't let him try/do his part as a parent - also harder for you in the end! Maybe if you two work together to calm your fears and to increase his parenting skills, it won't be too much longer before you can leave the baby with him for a while.

Oh - and as for the napping thing, I think it is okay to set some ground rules, and no dad napping with the baby except in a safe location is certainly reasonable. My DH had actually read in Dr. Sear's Baby Book about how only a mother is aware of her infant while she is sleeping, and that no one else, NOT EVEN DAD, should co sleep with the infant due to the risk. So when I raised concerns with my DH about one or two incidences in bed at night with the little ones (where a newborn head was too close to the book shelf or etc.), he totally understood - what father would want to put their infant at risk? So if you approach this one with some education (I'm scared b/c of this fact, and b/c of what I've seen when you sleep with Levi... etc.), maybe he'd understand.

Sorry for the novel... hope something could be useful. I feel for you! And either way, here's a hug!

Mama to twin girls Adele and Nadia, born 5/2008
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#8 of 13 Old 06-16-2008, 12:01 PM
 
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I've had some of the same feelings about DH, even though he is a great dad. It's just some things he's better at than others (like all of us). I find that I have to give the same suggestion to him a couple of times before he'll actually try it. He's not the one home all day with Leo, so sometimes I have to let him know what works now or what new thing he's doing so that he's up to speed.

Kjoy gave some great advice already, I hope things get better! Me, I'm often stuck at home because I've turned into a milk-pumper, as DS never really got the hang of BF'ing after trying just about everything, hopefully my new car adapater for my pump will help that a bit.

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#9 of 13 Old 06-16-2008, 02:12 PM
 
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I don't have a lot of time to reply right now, but I just wanted to send you hugs. It's really hard to adjust...we're on number 2 and still haven't adjusted.

As far as the car, I figured out something that worked this week....DD was SCREAMING because she was cold. I now cover her with a blanket whenever we get in the car (it's over 100 here every day, but the a/c makes her cold). She has stopped screaming most of the time. Not 100%, but probably 80%. HTH!

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#10 of 13 Old 06-16-2008, 03:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for all the advice and understanding mommies
What would I do without you?!?!
I'm gonna have a talk with DH and see if we can work something out.
I'm making a vow now to take it easier on him from now on and let him figure out what works... with gentle hinting of course
Thanks again!
P.S. Levi and I had a good outing today!
He slept the whole way to Target. Woke up as soon as we got in the store of course and started to cry. So I took him to the dressing rooms with me, put my Sleepy Wrap on and nursed him till he calmed down.
He stayed calm the whole time he was in the wrap and even fell back asleep!
I feel very accomplished today
Now, let's see if I can get anything done around the house......( I know, too many expectations )
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#11 of 13 Old 06-16-2008, 03:26 PM
 
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I just wanted to let you know mama that we're right there with you. We are good for 10 minutes usually in the car. But any longer than that.. that isn't just straight highway. Yikes.

I try to nurse our LO as much as we can before we leave and put her in car seat. Usually she is good on the way to somewhere.. But then we get somewhere, I wear her and nurse.. she sleeps on and off. We go to leave and she wants to nurse again for 2+ hours.. So we break it up, and takes as many stops as it does to get home. Every stop sign, stop light, road construction area is anxiety inducing.. wondering if this stop is when she is going to cry, and how soon we will be able to pull over to get her when she cries .. and how long she is going to nurse for.. and if she's still going to cry after 45 minutes of nursing.

It ALL does pass though. This is just an adjustment period, although a very hard one at times. Both mom and baby are learning to adjust to the big world beyond, and becoming two seperate beings. You've got some good suggestions here mama.. hang in there!!

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#12 of 13 Old 06-16-2008, 04:31 PM
 
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I soooo went through that with my DH when we had our first. i realize now that i was kind of hovering around him trying to micro-manage his relations with the baby and it was driving him crazy. What finally dawned on me is that *he's not me* and that he and the baby need to find their own way together, just like the baby and I have. giving them some time alone together (without me hovering around) gave him the freedom to figure out what worked for the two of them, allowing them to bond together. it actually made him much more relaxed around the baby as he learned why she was crying and what he could do to address it, and then too he wasn't quite as defensive if i offered a suggestion.

the sleeping thing is something you just need to express your concern about. if he's going to be alone with the baby and there might be napping involved, maybe he can put baby in a carrier (like a MT or wrap) on his front and sit in a chair? then there's no chance of hands slipping or rolling over on the baby. then again, babywearing is my answer to almost everything

but your baby is still really small, and if you're not ready yet to leave dad and baby alone together that's OK too. it will all work itself out.
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#13 of 13 Old 06-21-2008, 04:30 PM
 
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pixiepunk, I was just about to write your post verbatim...


Baby isn't stressing me out as much as the "other two" are. Having a 4 yr old and a 2 1/2 yr old AND a baby is just about doing me in at this point. I'm trying so hard to just get out of the house everyday and have at least one or two projects planned ahead of time so that they are on hand in a pinch.

OMG, if Caedmon was like his oldest brother was when he was a baby... I'd be in the nuthouse. He barely cries, is pretty much content all the time. Fusses now and then now that he's teething but other than that it's smooth sailing with him.

ITA with letting dad find his way. I did the same "hover and correct" thing and one day just stopped and let him have at it. I have no problem leaving all THREE kids with him now, if just to show him what my days are like (or at least a portion of it is)

This too shall pass is engraved on subconscious at this point. It's the truest mantra of motherhood!!!
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