How do I tell unsupportive parents? - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-28-2007, 10:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My parents live on the other side of the country and are not at all supportive of my having another child. After each of my mc's my father's reaction has been, "good, we don't need to overpopulate the world." : Both of those times I hadn't yet told them about the pregnancy, and I've been waiting this time. But I hopefully will have to tell and I can't think of how.

Also, this (hopefully if all proceeds well) means I will miss my brother's graduation from college, which I'm pretty sad about, too. I don't know how they will deal with that...

Any ideas?

Mom to 11 y.o. lawyer, 9 y.o. actor, and 4 y.o. pilot. I believe 'em on those, too!

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Old 10-28-2007, 11:23 PM
 
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I'm sorry they're not supportive. How sad for them! I'd almost say don't tell them, but other than that I don't have any great ideas.
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:44 AM
 
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You *have* to tell them? :

Seriously, we've considered it for certain family members.
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Old 10-29-2007, 01:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mami2f3 View Post
"good, we don't need to overpopulate the world." :
It's sad that he has such an outlook on life, and that he would choose to share that with you in a moment of great pain. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to offer a .

Me+DH+DS1+DS2+Dog=me and a house full of guys, which is really just peachy, thanks.
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Old 10-29-2007, 01:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mami2f3 View Post
My parents live on the other side of the country and are not at all supportive of my having another child. After each of my mc's my father's reaction has been, "good, we don't need to overpopulate the world." :
What a jerk! I'm sorry he reacted to your losses that way. I can't believe how awful some people can be.

I wouldn't tell them unless they asked. Seriously. They'll find out eventually and you can tell them the truth- their unsupportive comments in the past made you decide not to tell them. Hopefully they'll come around to the new baby. It's hard not to love a baby

Used to be stay at home parent to our two lovely girls, survived nursing school with family intact, about to graduate and looking for a job! I low-supply nursed my bio daughter for 3 years. 

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Old 10-29-2007, 09:31 AM
 
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Yeah, I vote for not telling. And don't feel guilty, he's made it clear how he feels about babies, so you're saving him from hearing his own "bad news".
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Old 10-29-2007, 10:11 AM
 
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I completely agree with previous posters. I wouldn't tell them. SAve yourself the abuse of hearing his negativity. Having a child is a very personal event and one that should be celebrated. If you have people in your life who wont celebrate with you, they have no need to know.

You don't need the cloud over you when this should be a blessed wonderful thing!

(and I've not told my parents either! I don't want to hear how the world is such a bad place now and how we shouldn't be bringing children into this mess. I am accepting no one else's negativity!)

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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Old 10-29-2007, 10:33 AM
 
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I don't tell family until I'm at least 15 weeks. Now our 'new' policy is 24 weeks. (Told family last time at 14w3d and I miscarried a week later.) Anyways, I have no qualms about not telling family as I can't deal with THEIR neediness. For example, my dad, I had just told him I was pregnant and he was not very positive - he said something to the effect of 'well now you're going to get even fatter now.' (I traditionally gain 100 lbs during pg, but I LOSE IT ALL afterwards!!!) sigh. then when I called him 3 weeks later to tell him the twin girls died, he said 'well, you didn't need more kids. you have 2. that's enough.') broke my heart.

my mom is dead or she would know - she knew about all my pregnancies before david (first living son). she died when I was 20weeks pregnant with my david.

i say, really, who needs to know? your dh and your midwife. really, that's it. everyone else will eventually figure it out - esp if they do a child count and notice some new faces.

I can't handle the heartache of other family when they're unkind like that.

bettyann
on my 9th pregnancy, 12th baby (assuming there's only one - I have a hx of multiples.)
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:24 PM
 
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I think a loving but carefully worded letter might be good... Honering you parents is important, but you don't need to be torn down. Perhaps something along the lines of: We are very excited to be welcoming this new life. We realize that you do not always agree with us, however this is a time we wish to celebrate. Please contact us when you are ready to share our joy :-)
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:55 PM
 
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If someone had previously said "good" to me when I told them I miscarried I would never talk to them again. Let alone tell them I'm pregnant.

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
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Old 10-29-2007, 03:58 PM
 
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My parents never want me to have any more kids either....starting with #1!! So I completely see where you are coming from. However, they always come around once the babe is earthside...it's just the pregnancy that sucks!

With #2 I sent mom an e-mail at about 1 month before the babe came! She didn't talk to me for the rest of the pregnancy but oh well she talks to me now. With #3 I told her when I was about 5 months...on dd2's b-day. Well, she didn't end up coming to the birthday party and didn't talk to me until the day #3 was born. With this one I will probably tell her in about another month...if she doesn't like it oh well! She will come around again.

I suggest writing your dad...then if he is negative you don't have to listen to it. Maybe some kind of really happy birth announcement??!!
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Old 10-29-2007, 04:10 PM
 
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I am so sorry to hear this. Your father's comments are so hurtful.

I would probably just email them something quick and terse: "Hi Dad, just wanted you to know I am pregnant and due May X. All is well with the pregnancy."

And if they respond in a nasty way, just DELETE DELETE DELETE.
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Old 10-29-2007, 04:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I suggest writing your dad...then if he is negative you don't have to listen to it. Maybe some kind of really happy birth announcement??!!
Yeah, I think something along these lines.

See, I still really love them and they have their perspective and clearly my dad's not the most sensitive guy, but they really love us. I don't really know how they will react, but since happyfrog mentioned it, I think I will wait a while. Who knows what will happen. It just feels weird when we talk and they ask how we are doing not to clue them in.

I feel fairly sure he wouldn't say anything negative about being pregnant, but I'm more just not wanting a lukewarm response. I want all positive happiness about this. So I guess I need to wait a little.

Thanks for responses and I'd love any other ideas about how to get the reaction I want or deal better with not getting it...

Mom to 11 y.o. lawyer, 9 y.o. actor, and 4 y.o. pilot. I believe 'em on those, too!

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Old 10-29-2007, 10:02 PM
 
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Wait and don't tell them until they ask if you've made arrangements for the graduation. They casually say, "Oh, didn't I tell you? That's when the baby is due."

And I also would likely never speak to someone who spoke of my mc as being "good" : : :
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:33 AM
 
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See, I still really love them and they have their perspective and clearly my dad's not the most sensitive guy, but they really love us.
This is exactly how I feel about my family! I love them VERY much and I know they love me however we don't have the same type lifesyles/ideas on happiness, etc so that's why I think you should just send a happy birth announcement.

Whatever you decide this phase will pass and I'm sure your family will come around after the babe is here!
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is exactly how I feel about my family! I love them VERY much and I know they love me however we don't have the same type lifesyles/ideas on happiness, etc so that's why I think you should just send a happy birth announcement.

Whatever you decide this phase will pass and I'm sure your family will come around after the babe is here!
You are so right. There is no question in my mind that they will love and spoil this child. You really captured it by saying "we dont have the same lifestyles/ ideas on happiness."

I think when my dad said what he said, as awful as it was, he didn't mean "good' as in I'm glad this happened to you, but more like he sees the good in it for his way of looking at the world, or that it will all turn out good. He really didn't say it in a mean way as much as in a matter of fact way. But my point was I really dread even a tepid response and yet I talk to them regularly about all types of things and feel weird keeping this from them...

I guess I'll just wait.

Mom to 11 y.o. lawyer, 9 y.o. actor, and 4 y.o. pilot. I believe 'em on those, too!

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