Upset with DH, DH upset with me -pity party ahead -low supply nursing issues - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 07:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is definitely not a my DH is a jerk post. I love him tons and tons and my feelings are hurt and my hormones are going and and and and *sob* And although he isnt a jerk - he needs (so I think) to play along and act interested and supportive of MEEEEE.


ok. I have IGT which basically means - I dont make a full supply of breast milk. I dont and as much as it hurts and I feel like a failure - nature set my body this way and I have to keep going. I have spent 100's if not thousands trying to get my body to produce BM and to up my supply. I get nutty about it.

Hubbie has always supported this and has supported the use of donor milk - to the point of buying a new deep freeze and making huge financial sacrifices to get it to us or buy herbs/pumps/domperidone/LC consults. At this point we have about 3-4 months of donor milk in the freezer for our daughter when she gets here. However he is TIRED of it. He agrees BM is best and he wishes Id throw the SNS out, give the baby a bottle and be done with it. "You dont make milk - why you have to go through this SNS and all that I dont even know.. give her a bottle and be done with it!"

This morning - I asked him help me set up the lact-aid to give it a trial run and he just lost it with me -telling me it was stupid and how much did this cost etc etc and saying it has nothing to do with the baby because we have BM and its what I want and not what she wants. If she gets BM in a bottle than fine - "Im sorry you don't make milk and it is what it is - when you are you gonna stop with this nonsense" And then he started with "how much was this" (refering to the lactaid) and then pointing out the goats rue, the medical grade pump I had to have, etc. Its not just money (although we cant afford for me to spend like this) -its time not being wife/mamma Spending 2-3 hours a day at pump when she gets here drains my family. When I pumped with Violet - I got 10-15 MLs per breast. It all added up and it was hard. The time though added up too.

I have posted about this before and today it just reared its head- I dont know how to make us both happy. My little girl will get BM - I have had a community of mothers help and I assume they still will. She wont be exclusively but for the first while - at least half which is awesome.

Im planning on trying to nurse with the lactaid from day 3 or so and going from there and pumping from time to time. I dont know though - I have to keep it in balance. Not being able to nurse a child has really hurt my self esteem as a mother and peoples judgmental comments about how easy it is breastfeed makes me sick.

I love my DH and I dont need a rift between us right now. He has a lot of points and I dont know how to let go of my obsession to nurse. Im hoping I can have a partial relationship at the breast. My daughter never latched on and I pumped non stop for 7 months. Im hoping with the lactaid and starting on domperidone ASAP Ill be have a shot and yet I dont know what to do create balance with my DH and I.

ANd my hormones -man oh man. *WHINE*

Former Special Ed Teacher  now SAHM mamma to 2 girls autismribbon.gif(4/06) and thumbsuck.gif (5/08) EBF via donor milk. Wife DH : Fur mamma to 2 pugs and 1 grey kitty - its a zoo around here!  pos.gif Feb 2013..Will you help feed our new blessing?winner.jpg

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#2 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 07:21 PM
 
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Since you know now that you won't make enough milk, you can start using the lact-aid from the beginning and she can still nurse from you, even if some or most of the milk is coming through a little tube. That will still be really rewarding for you and for her, and probably healing for you. And b/c she can always nurse with the lact-aid, she may avoid nipple confusion and needing a bottle. So you would still have a nursing relationship. Maybe dh doesn't understand nursing is more than just about the milk?

I would say, "I understand what you're saying, and it makes sense, but it is more than getting breastmilk inside of her, it is about the nursing at my breast. Since I know what to do ahead of time with this baby, I have a good chance to have a nursing relationship with her, which will go a long way towards helping me heal. Please help me to start off nursing her at my breast, and we'll see how it goes. If it doesn't work or consumes all my time, we'll reevaluate."

DS1 2004 ~ DS2 2005 ~ DD1 2008 ~ DS3 2010 ~ DD2 born at 31 weeks Oct. 2014
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#3 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 07:46 PM
 
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Lots of s mama . I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, and I'm sorry dh is not seeing things from your point of view right now. I think Galatea has some good advice, so I'll just offer more s. And if I end up pumping and have some extra, you know I'll set it aside for you .

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#4 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 07:54 PM
 
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I have no advice, just wanted to offer This must be so frustrating and overwhelming, especially right now with all the pregnancy hormones flowing.
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#5 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 08:26 PM
 
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I'm sorry!

fwiw, if you want to mention this to him, maybe it will help him understand some? the physical act of nursing the breast helps the head regain its proper shape after a physically stressful delivery. A bottle doesn't provide the same benefit necessarily. So there's definite benefits to nursing even if you DO have to use lact-aid/etc.
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#6 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 08:28 PM
 
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I'm just going to play the devil's advocate here.

First, so you know where I'm coming from, I also have low milk suplly. It's from Breast reduction surgery, which I do not regret at all, but imagine the guilt pangs if you could for a moment - I did it.

Anywhoo last time around was well, stressful. Lots of crying, researching, crying, herbs, med grade breast pumps, crying, supplementing, yelling, sore nipples, bad latch, crying you get the point. I know it was difficult for DH to watch. He helped the best he could. Feeding him with a spoon when I refused to introduce a bottle. Drying my tears when I finally gave DS formula. It was exhausting for me, but until I read your post I never really considered what it was like for him to bear witness to my struggle.

Is it possible that he is lashing out because he knows he has to watch you struggle with this again? He has to watch you doubt your womanliness and see your heart break when other people tell you how easy it is??

I think a heart to heart with him about how he sees it and how he sees it affect you could be enlightening for you both. Perhaps he doesn't want to see you get all worked up again only to be devastated. And I know that's how it feels!

You need love and support right now. But boys are different for a reason. Perhaps he's trying to protect you. Although not doing quite the right way.

Dunno...

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#7 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 08:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Nate'sMama View Post
I'm just going to play the devil's advocate here.

First, so you know where I'm coming from, I also have low milk suplly. It's from Breast reduction surgery, which I do not regret at all, but imagine the guilt pangs if you could for a moment - I did it.

Anywhoo last time around was well, stressful. Lots of crying, researching, crying, herbs, med grade breast pumps, crying, supplementing, yelling, sore nipples, bad latch, crying you get the point. I know it was difficult for DH to watch. He helped the best he could. Feeding him with a spoon when I refused to introduce a bottle. Drying my tears when I finally gave DS formula. It was exhausting for me, but until I read your post I never really considered what it was like for him to bear witness to my struggle.

Is it possible that he is lashing out because he knows he has to watch you struggle with this again? He has to watch you doubt your womanliness and see your heart break when other people tell you how easy it is??

I think a heart to heart with him about how he sees it and how he sees it affect you could be enlightening for you both. Perhaps he doesn't want to see you get all worked up again only to be devastated. And I know that's how it feels!

You need love and support right now. But boys are different for a reason. Perhaps he's trying to protect you. Although not doing quite the right way.

Dunno...

:

Exactly what I was thinking. I'm so SO sorry this is so hard on both of you. I cannot imagine the pain of being unable to nurse. I AM unable to pump much and that frustrates the piss out of me. God forbid I ever need to pump to feed my babies. It won't happen and I will rely on donor milk and formula as well. Only my babies (well, the last three) don't do well on formula so that will be fun times. I pray it never happens. I can only imagine how stressful this is to contemplate ahead of time.

I agree that perhaps explaining what nursing is to you might help. If you remind him how much this means to you....AND to her. Babies are born to breast feed and while they adapt to the bottle, it's not their DESIGN.
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#8 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 08:47 PM
 
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Just something to toss out there- I've read that many IGT and other physically low supply moms (who've had reductions and the like) actually make more and more milk with each subsequent pregnancy. So it's quite possible that you'll make MORE milk this time around than last.

-Angela
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#9 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 08:55 PM
 
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That is true for reductions Angela. Not sure about IGT. I hope so.
It's called recanaliztion.
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#10 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 09:12 PM
 
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it was the case for my friend (different online community) who has IGT. It wasn't a fully supply still, but was MUCH easier on her than the first time around.
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#11 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 09:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nate'sMama View Post
That is true for reductions Angela. Not sure about IGT. I hope so.
It's called recanaliztion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NatureMama3 View Post
it was the case for my friend (different online community) who has IGT. It wasn't a fully supply still, but was MUCH easier on her than the first time around.
I have read a number of stories where it was true for IGT. Each pregnancy/child gets an increased amount of production.

-Angela
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#12 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 09:26 PM
 
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I do agree that your dh's feelings are valid, and it probably is really difficult for him to watch you struggle through this. But your feelings are valid too .

I also wanted to mention, and Chantel touched on it, that babies are made to nurse. Even if your baby doesn't get a lot of milk, it can have a profound impact on bonding for both you and baby.

Mama to M (7/05) and S (5/08) my surprise !!!
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#13 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Shanana View Post
I do agree that your dh's feelings are valid, and it probably is really difficult for him to watch you struggle through this. But your feelings are valid too .

I also wanted to mention, and Chantel touched on it, that babies are made to nurse. Even if your baby doesn't get a lot of milk, it can have a profound impact on bonding for both you and baby.
What do I say when he counter's with "thats why we cosleep and baby wear"

I tried that one before and he says thats why we parent the way we do- for bonding and attachment

This stinks

Former Special Ed Teacher  now SAHM mamma to 2 girls autismribbon.gif(4/06) and thumbsuck.gif (5/08) EBF via donor milk. Wife DH : Fur mamma to 2 pugs and 1 grey kitty - its a zoo around here!  pos.gif Feb 2013..Will you help feed our new blessing?winner.jpg

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#14 of 21 Old 05-05-2008, 10:09 PM
 
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The breast stimulation also releases all kinds of feel good hormones for mama too...perhaps that will help him understand why you need to put baby to breast, and that it's not just about nutrition. idk...I wish I could be more help. I understand his fears and concerns and as hard as it's going to be, you are both going to have to compromise...you may have to surrender a little bit, and he may have to give a little bit more too.

This is a difficult issue as it is, let alone the hormones on top of it. I'm so sorry mama! Hugs to you-I wish I had some good advice for you, but I just don't. I have some chocolate? And a really big comfy couch...
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#15 of 21 Old 05-06-2008, 12:26 AM
 
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Mommy of 3 super charged kiddos
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#16 of 21 Old 05-06-2008, 12:52 AM
 
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I am so sorry you and your DH are going through this.

Heather: Mama to my amazing boys A-14.5, C-13, & M-5.5, and my sweet girl S-2.5 and introducing our little surprise Liam Michael, born 12/28!
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#17 of 21 Old 05-06-2008, 09:18 AM
 
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Could you not just give the baby BM from the bottle and then comfort nurse to get that bond that you need? Sounds like a good compromise to me (I am really tired though, so if I've mis-read your post and misunderstood, I'm very sorry)

It's complicated.
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#18 of 21 Old 05-06-2008, 11:40 AM
 
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Hi there Michelle-
Fellow May mama, Michigan mama, and IGT mama here. I am so sorry it absolutely sucks doesnt it? I can completely relate to your post. Before my daughter I thought people who werent successful at bfing simply didn't try hard enough. HA I learned that wasn't true with her. For the first three months of her life I was a crazy milk-obsessed person. Then I finally got my IGT diagnosis, and she had to go in for dehydration again and I realized I needed to mourn my loss of exclusive bfing but not bfing altogether and she nursed until nearly two years.

Then I was determined to make a full supply for the next baby and found out there were two. So I had to give myself a realistic pep talk. Like you I found donated BM. I found that really helped. The thing I hated the most with my daughter looking back was how stringent I had been with the supplements. Having BM on hand made it so much easier (mentally) to supplement also the fact that I resolved NOT to starve these babies. It wasn't worth it.

It was definitely emotionally easier the second time around. Still hard, many tears were shed still but that time around I knew my limitations and my abilities.
These are some things that helped me:

-I gave myself a "crazy limit" ahead of time. I could be milk obsessed for so long before it was time to find a good balance between mothering all my children and bfing.
-Ahead of time I set a weightloss limit for them and then supplemented, with tears, but not a battle.
-When I gave them donated BM I always smiled and thought of all those mothers out there who selflessly donated their precious milk and how lucky we were to receive it. "It takes a village"
-I didnt kill myself pumping, instead I took that time to appreciate all my children.
-I did the things I could do: co-slept, babywore (still do), offered all the milk I could make and always allowed comfort nursing.

I still have to set my expectations this time around. I do have a shot of making a full supply this time around but I am worried that is going to only make me crazier So I better set my crazy and weightloss limits.

PM me if you ever want to talk one IGT mama to another!

Good luck to you I wish you lots of flowing milk!
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#19 of 21 Old 05-06-2008, 12:00 PM
 
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I love this community!
SlingWearinMama swoops in to save the day.

I love the setting a crazy limit. My DH will so happy to hear about that idea!

Michelle -I hope that you and your DH find some peace about this soon
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#20 of 21 Old 05-06-2008, 02:56 PM
 
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Oh Michelle! I've wanted to post to you since I read this yesterday but Leif has been very sad as has Rune so I've been just holding them both all day.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I do have a lot more milk wtih Leif that I did with Rune. I thought for sure that I had enough because it was so much more than with Rune but I didnt. I went through everything you mentioned but never got diagnosed until Leif. Thats why Rune almost died and I just thought I wasn't trying hard enough. So even though I'm nowhere NEAR a full supply ( I only get a max of 2oz per feeding) he's getting more. Maybe next baby will get 4? who knows?

I have to say, everything I did with Rune, the pumping, supplements, sns, all that, were so much harder. I see your daughter is only 2 months older than Rune. I would pump and he would scream and cry and pull at me and say "why mama WHY?" It broke my heart. Breastmilk and bonding with your new baby are super important, but so is your bond with your other child as well. Do it for as long as your family is comfortable but don't feel bad about being realistic either. Its so hard, I know, trust me I know. Its heart breaking.

I know that its hard for DH too. He wants you to be happy, he wants you to be calm, he wants you to enjoy your family and he doesn't want anything taken from your daughter. Its so hard for some men to understand that they'll love the next baby too, but to be honest I feel like my DH is an advocate for Rune, and I am for Leif. If that makes sense.

I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and I hope you guys can come up with a peaceful solution for your family.
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#21 of 21 Old 05-06-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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I have no advice. Just a hug.
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