I've been having a hard time lately with feeling sad about the way my birth went. I think it's mostly disappointment because I really expected that this birth would be "better" than my first--it wouldn't be so rushed and scary, I would get to go into labor on my own, I would have my baby naturally, etc.
Even when it became apparent that I would need some intervention, in the form of an induction, to ensure my baby's (and my own) safety, I was confident and optimistic. I packed my bag with all the labor aids that I hadn't had the time to get the first time. I was armed with information and strategies, and I was confident. I was a bit disappointed not to have the experience of going into labor on my own again, but didn't really worry about it at the time. (Although now I'm disappointed that I can't vote on the water breaking poll and contribute to our ddc's crazy statistics
) But I was not prepared for the c-section. I knew nothing about them, other than I wasn't going to have one. I know I should have done a bit of research and acknowledged that it was a possibility, since I know how quickly an induction can lead to one. But I'd had a successful early induction before, so it didn't occur to me to consider that I might not be so lucky this time.
I think what's really bothering me, though, is that the decision for the surgery was made before I even had a chance to labor. I literally feel like I had no part in Samuel's birth. At least with dd's birth, even though it was much more managed than I wanted and not natural, I ended with the satisfaction of having birthed my baby. This time, birth was done to me, not by me. In fact, when I talk about it, I've noticed that I rarely refer to "when he was born"; I almost always speak of "when I had the surgery". A co-worker asked last week about my birth story, and I replied that I didn't really have one; it was just a c-section. (I think I posted something similar to that here when I posted his pics, too.) I just feel so disconnected from it all.
I'm grateful that I have access to medical care that makes it possible for me to have healthy babies, as I know that without intervention, it would be much less likely that I would have a baby at all. And while I wouldn't say that my c-section was medically necessary, I do believe it was a prudent decision. But I still feel sad about it. I will never have a natural birth. If we have another child, it will be a repeat section because there are no hospitals around here that will allow VBAC and no midwives who would take me for homebirth with my history.
Sorry this got so long and rambly. I'm just surprised that I've found myself so bothered by this, and I've been dwelling on it quite a bit lately. If anyone has ideas for getting over myself and moving on, I'd love to hear them. Thanks for reading.