I thought the in-laws were going to be easy - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 11:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I know MIL means well, but sow far she's managed to tell me I'm wrong on:
*cosleeping
*BF on request
*Holding baby too much ("need to put him down so you can do some housework")

I've had put EC on hold because I'm afraid of the comments.

She's also reiterated her worries about homebirth, despite the fact that "I got lucky" and babe came out safely.

And she bought us a pacifier, asked if we'd thought about bottles, said disposable diapers are so much easier than cloth (they're not! we tried when we ran out one week!).

I'm so glad we held our ground about guests not coming the first couple weeks.

Okay, babe's crying. I'm going to go feed him no matter what MIL says . [ETA: just went in to find DH and DS smiling and playing in bed. The crying I heard was the neighbor ]

(end vent...)
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#2 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 12:21 PM
 
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Ugh! How long is she staying? Or do they live nearby?
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#3 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 12:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ugh! How long is she staying? Or do they live nearby?
They live on the other side of the country, and while here they're staying in a hotel (yay). Staying until Tuesday (but all of the above was in the few hours they were here yesterday). I'll be okay, I'm just super sensitive (but how can I not be, mothering a 4 week old?).

Of course, my parents come the day the ILs leave...
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#4 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 01:14 PM
 
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That sucks. But think, by the time they go, you will have exposed them to a whole new way of childrearing. They will eventually see that hey, this way works too, and lay off of the criticism (at least, I hope so!)
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#5 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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Trust your instincts and remember that MIL got her chance and now it's yours. I'm a big fan of smiling and nodding my head and doing whatever I want anyways.

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#6 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 02:33 PM
 
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nak
sorry molck . it sucks to not have support .

Mama to M (7/05) and S (5/08) my surprise !!!
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#7 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 04:29 PM
 
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My MIL does this too because my way of doing things is quite different to hers. I try to honour her mothering and experience by taking an interest in how she raised her kids - it distracts her from criticising me! Seriously though..I guess our families worry we are going to create a child who needs us intensely forever (yk, the whole "you'll never get him out of your bed" thing etc) and they want to help. I just smile, distract and carry on as normal. My kids aren't perfect (and neither am I?!) but they're turning out okay, so MIL gets less sceptical as time goes on! Hope the same happens for you, you're doing great!
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#8 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 04:43 PM
 
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Oh dear... Please try to just ignore what she says or ask her to stop. Well meaning or not that sucks!

I got lucky in the MIL department!
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#9 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 05:58 PM
 
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Also, I try to remember that when we choose to do things differently, our parents and ILs (or whoever) sometime see that as a criticism of their choices. Not that it is in any way, but it can make some people insecure. Actually, what they're doing is questioning their choices themselves, but seeing you do things differently is what brings up those internal questions, like, "Hmmm, maybe I could have done things better." And that scares people. So, some react by criticising because it takes the focus off of themselves and puts it on the other person. Makes them feel better, in the short term anyway.

It really sucks, but I try to remind myself that it's probably more about the person who is doing the criticizing than it is about me.

Mama to M (7/05) and S (5/08) my surprise !!!
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#10 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 08:18 PM
 
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Also, I try to remember that when we choose to do things differently, our parents and ILs (or whoever) sometime see that as a criticism of their choices. Not that it is in any way, but it can make some people insecure. Actually, what they're doing is questioning their choices themselves, but seeing you do things differently is what brings up those internal questions, like, "Hmmm, maybe I could have done things better." And that scares people. So, some react by criticising because it takes the focus off of themselves and puts it on the other person. Makes them feel better, in the short term anyway.

It really sucks, but I try to remind myself that it's probably more about the person who is doing the criticizing than it is about me.
And that, my friends, is my mother in a nutshell.

Very insightful.

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#11 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 08:33 PM
 
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Annoying. I can commiserate. My MIL asks every single time we see her, even if it was just the day before, how the baby is sleeping and feigns complete and total shock when I say she's nursing every 2-4 hours around the clock. I'm going to rip her eyes out if it continues.
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#12 of 20 Old 06-19-2008, 10:35 PM
 
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You know how saying "Shhhhhhh..." will sometimes quiet a fussy baby? Well, it quieted my noisy MIL too. If saying "shhhh" until she quiets is too rude, maybe just the thought of it will help you through.
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#13 of 20 Old 06-20-2008, 11:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Shanana View Post
Also, I try to remember that when we choose to do things differently, our parents and ILs (or whoever) sometime see that as a criticism of their choices. Not that it is in any way, but it can make some people insecure. Actually, what they're doing is questioning their choices themselves, but seeing you do things differently is what brings up those internal questions, like, "Hmmm, maybe I could have done things better." And that scares people. So, some react by criticising because it takes the focus off of themselves and puts it on the other person. Makes them feel better, in the short term anyway.

It really sucks, but I try to remind myself that it's probably more about the person who is doing the criticizing than it is about me.
Thank you for saying this. You're right, and it really helps to be reminded. It's so easy to forget when I'm feeling attacked that MIL is herself a real and whole person with her own history and experiences to draw from that differ greatly from mine and that I can never fully understand.
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#14 of 20 Old 06-21-2008, 10:22 AM
 
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When people ask if Charlotte sleeps through the night I say yes. Shes 2 weeks old... if they seriously ask that question, they dont know any better anyway... and so they shut up.

Jeanna, proud mama to 3 sweet girls!
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#15 of 20 Old 06-21-2008, 12:17 PM
 
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if they seriously ask that question, they dont know any better anyway
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#16 of 20 Old 06-21-2008, 05:19 PM
 
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Didn't read everything, but I was in the same boat with my mom before my first one got earthside. I politely told her that she had done a great job raising me, that it was my turn. If the kids turned out screwed up in 30 years she could tell me 'told you so'.

Maybe that would work on both his mom and yours?

Good luck! And hang in there....it doesn't stop at parents sadly.
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#17 of 20 Old 06-22-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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Jeannabna, YES. It's like they're only asking so they can give you advice about sleeping habits when you say that she doesn't.

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#18 of 20 Old 06-24-2008, 01:09 PM
 
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ughh... everyone has an oppinion and they all seem to have the need to share it! for the most part, i am very lucky in the parent department, although my mom thinks i'm crazy for holding ds practically all the time. my MIL lives in chicago, so she isn't around to question my choices. but there are plenty of other people who have issues with the choices we have made for Ari... like dh's best friend who told me i was insane for cloh diapering him... i actually find it much easier and i don't feel bad about it like i do with sposies! an other person (sort of frind if dh i REAL LY don't like) gave us a pacifier that says "mute button" on it!!!! i was so offended! then she lsaid "this will come in handy when you get tired of breastfeeding after three months." THREE MONTHS? please... more like three years! i wonder what she would have said if i had told her that...

.
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#19 of 20 Old 06-30-2008, 11:34 AM
 
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after 2 1/2 years of this from my own mom i have perfected the art of gracious ignoring. it's still hard though to let the comments roll off me, so sometimes i'll say (albeit sarcastically) "yes, i know i'm a horrible mother!" and that kind of cues her in to knock it off.

her new annoying habit is saying things to my 2 1/2 year old. for example, for some reason it really bugs her that dd hasn't had a haircut yet, so she'll say "oh you need a haircut..your hair is in your eyes," which of course she says both because she knows i will overhear it and because dd will repeat it.

it will never stop bugging you, but you will be more willing to just let it roll off you once you see how great your ds is doing because of your parenting choices. for my mom's part she has perfected the art of ignoring too. she was a mess about me nursing dd through my pregnancy and told me i should wean her. (in her mind it was bad for me, bad for growing baby, etc) since we don't nurse around grandmommy anymore my mom has decided that, of course, i took her advice and dd weaned when in reality we're tandem nursing. i don't feel the need to rub it in her face that i had an incredibly healthy pregnancy while nursing throughout or that i'm nursing two now. sometimes i find that it's best to PYB (pick your battles) with parents as well as children
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#20 of 20 Old 06-30-2008, 07:09 PM
 
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yes, my own mother has been like this since dd1 was born.

I found that it was easier to get more and more outrageous than to avoid.

I started to enjoy how flustered she would get.

"yep, a homebirth mom, in the yard...or the kitchen.. havent decided. Im so excited to eat the placenta. I hear its good"

she quit asking questions at all.

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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