Not really wanting to do this anymore - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm only 18. I feel awful and guilty.. there are tons of people out there that are ready and waiting and trying so hard to get pregnant and here i am pregnant just because i made a mistake. I'm not sure i'm ready to be the kind of mom i want to be. I don't want to sacrifice my vagina and my boobs and my sleep. I don't have any money.. or even a place to live. my dp hardly makes any money at all.. I feel selfish because i wont even consider abortion or adoption... part of me feels like i can pull through this and get everything together before the baby comes.. but i so scared that i wont be able to. Is what i'm feeling normal or am i making a huge mistake by keeping the baby :/
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#2 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 02:07 PM
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s I know it can be tough thinking about a baby at this point in your life. I think the key is to follow your heart on this matter. A few thoughts to consider:
1. Somehow there's always enough $ for the baby.
2. Do you have support from the rest of your family? (parents, siblings etc) This will help tremendously
3. How is your relationship with DP? Do you see him as a lifelong partner? Not that this will make or break things, but having a supportive partner can make a HUGE difference.
4. If you truly don't want to do this, please consider adoption. Having one child myself already I understand 100% how hard this would be to decide. I think giving up a baby has to be the most difficult thing a mom can possibly do. But it can also be one of the most rewarding things you can do. There are so many couples that wish and hope for a baby, who are ready to give a baby a wonderful loving home, and who are waiting for someone who is generous enough to give them the chance to raise a baby. Adoption is not what it used to be. There are "open adoptions" now so that you can still know your child. I guess my point is, that you might look into it even if you ultimately decide not to go through with it. Honestly, until I had my son I didn't understand how amazingly generous a thing it is to give a baby up for adoption. Do not feel selfish if you can't go through with it. But please consider the option if you don't think this is the time for you to have a baby of your own.

No matter what you decide, think about what will be best for YOU and for your BABY. Also remember that you have a lot of years to have another child. No matter what, we're here for you. Good luck. Fortunately, Mother Nature gives us 9 months to figure out a plan for a new baby. Even when it's a planned pregnancy we usually need it!

Mom to James (ribboncesarean.gif 5/2006), Claire (vbac.gif 6/2008), furry kitties Calvin and Bob, and wife to Dennis. 

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#3 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 02:09 PM
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Oh honey. It's going to be okay. Take a few deep breaths (seriously, they help!).

First off, you really do need to spend some time focusing on what you want your life to be. Don't listen to fear, but focus on that deep down voice that tells you the truth. Do you want to be a mama? Not just right now, but ever? Did you dream about having kids when you were little? Or were you more focused on a career or school? Age has little to do with being a good mama... wisdom is found at all ages, and often young mamas can have special connections with their children.

Second, money does not make good parents. Lots of people spend tons of money and very little time or attention on their children. Besides, IMO one of the best things we can do for our children is to opt out of the consumer culture. There are lots of ways to be a good, healthy, frugal mama. That said, are you able/willing to find/take the kind of jobs you might have to in order to provide the true necessities?

Third, have faith in yourself. If you find that you really do want to be a mama, then you have to believe that you can and will be the best mama that you can be. MDC is a great place to find the support that can help you be that mama. I'm on my fourth (wow, that feels weird just to type that) and MDC helps me refocus my parenting every single day... I'm a terrible lurker, but I'm literally ALWAYS here.

Fourth, take some more deep breaths. And then some more. From someone who has BTDT, it gets better. The place you're in right now is HARD, and there are very few positive feedbacks to help you feel better (thanks morning sickness!!). But, it really does get better. It may get worse for awhile (and I'm not just talking about the pregnancy), but it will eventually get better. It will be extremely hard work, and you have to make sure that you are taking that work on b/c you truly want to, not for any other reason. But, if this turns out to be what you want to do, it is doable.

PM me if you need to talk. My life is very different from how I imagined it. Now I can't imagine it any other way. No matter what you decide, it will be okay.
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#4 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 02:23 PM
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I want to give you a huge hug, and know you can count on me for emotional support.

You will have all the support you need! Your baby is so lucky to have you heartfully looking at what is going to make your life the best it can be.

When my dh and I conceived our baby who is now 1 1/2 we had NO money, no job, no home. We had 9 beautiful months to get our life better. Knowing we were doing this for our son, somehow made my husband and myself really step up and do good things in our life ... and our baby.

What the previous posters said is right on, you will be a better person because of this experience ... focus on that and you will do the right thing for you.

I recommend sitting and breathing and feeling the beautiful bond from your baby forming ... and know that your sweet baby can be such a comfort and joy in your belly ... knowing you are treating your body well, and your baby is healthy and thriving
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#5 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 04:40 PM
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I am glad you joined this DDC. It is so helpful to talk to others. The fact that you are thinking this through speaks highly of you, whatever decision you make.

I just want to let you know (to reassure you on the personal image front) that I have two sisters who became pregnant at 19, and they look great. OK, after one of them had her fourth child she was starting to look a little well, worn out, but she's in great shape now. I think that having babies when you are young is easier on your body.

Please don't feel guilty for being pregnant, because there are a lot of people who would be in your situation if luck had turned against them. You didn't do anything that a lot of people aren't doing, as well. It could have been me. The important thing is that you are thinking things through and making decisions. In that, you are already a mother, and a responsible one to boot. Your feelings are normal.

By the way, I'm pregnant with my third child and apparently when I was pregnant with my first I was heard to remark, "but I don't like babies! What am I going to do with one?" The adjustment to motherhood was rather traumatic for me because I knew absolutely nothing about babies, but after learning about attachment parenting and learning to listen to my instincts I realized that you don't really have to 'know' all that much - babies will teach you, if you are open to listening. There's a song by Raffi, a children's entertainer, that really touched me: a line in the song says "all I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly and love in my family". The album is Baby Beluga.

busy mama of three
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#6 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Prairiemother View Post
I just want to let you know (to reassure you on the personal image front) that I have two sisters who became pregnant at 19, and they look great
Right - I think this is what a lot of us fear the first time we're pregnant. I had my son at age 29 and guess what... by the time he was about 9 months old I pretty much looked like my old self. I was at my pre-pregnancy weight and was wearing ALL my old clothes. Yes, my breasts aren't quite as perky as they were but they're not bad either (and I still breastfeed my son). Plus, I had the joy of actually *having cleavage* for the better part of 2 years (since I'm usually pretty small).

So don't worry - you WILL go back to normal. Just take care of yourself, eat well, exercise (even walking or riding your bike is fine), and enjoy your life. Don't forget - 9 months to put it on, 9 months to take it off (although I was within 10 lbs and 2 sizes of my prepreg size by 4 months). Remember - this is what your body is MEANT to do! Trust it.

Mom to James (ribboncesarean.gif 5/2006), Claire (vbac.gif 6/2008), furry kitties Calvin and Bob, and wife to Dennis. 

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#7 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 05:49 PM
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I was 20, single, unemployed, and living with my parents when my ds1 was born. I felt selfish for keeping him b/c I thought I couldnt take care of him & give him what he deserved. I was resentful b/c of my body changes & lifestyle changes.

Fast forward 8 years and having him was the best thing I have ever done. He is the person who has given me the strength to make things happen. He is my inspiration and I am so thankful to him for coming exactly when he did- I NEEDED him even if I couldnt realize it!

As for money and other details- things just always work out somehow. Babies really need very little. And your body- If it changes (somewomen are really lucky!) I promise when you see your baby it will all be worth it!
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#8 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 05:55 PM
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I had moments like that while pg with my first, and I was married to a man with a stable job and it was a planned pg. Pg hormones can wreck havoc with our hormones!

Ruth, single mommy to 3 quasi-adults
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#9 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 07:31 PM
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Oh honey- it must be so hard. But ya know what, we all make mistakes and sometimes they can turn out to be the biggest blessings in our lives! I have a friend who just had a baby as a single mama and that little girl has filled her life with so much purpose and hope.

The frustrating part is that you are right about your body- it will never be the same, but somehow after you have that baby it doesn't even matter! And I totally understand- I was 21 when I had ds and I couldn't believe how my boobs went from perky one day to hitting the floor the next! I looked at girls with petite frames and thought "I will never look like that again!" But ya know what? My body came back- thinner than I was before, and hey, after I get done having kids I can have "the girls" put back up where they are supposed to be (and I plan to!!)! So, don't let the part about your body influence your decisions right now- the baby is already in there and it has to come out one way or another- however it happens it will change you, so why not let it happen as naturally as you can?

I will be praying for you and please pm or e-mail me if you have any questions or just need support! I run a company where I help mamas learn how to make educated parenting choices and learn to parent naturally without having to be a total hippie! If you cloth diaper, breastfeed and have a decent baby shower you will be amazed by just how little you actually have to buy for that baby in the first year! You can do this! You really can!
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#10 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 07:40 PM
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I am right there with you... I am not in your ddc but am in a semi-similar situation and last night it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I don't want do this right now... I have no really helpful advice just that we can get through this one way or another...

Rachel, proud Army wife to my superhero.gif and SAHM to my crazy boys jumpers.gif... Trevor 4/08, Trenton 6/09 and Travis 10/10
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#11 of 16 Old 10-22-2007, 10:28 PM
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Youngmama, I was right where you are 15 years ago (I was actually 17) and my life turned out pretty swell. I have 3 healthy, stable, thriving kids, a wonderful man who's shared a life w/ me, and more love to go around than I will ever know what to do w/. We started out w/ nothing but a room in his mother's trailer and a pocket full of foodstamps. What you're about to do is doable. Take one day at a time, stay positive, have faith in yourself and what you've been given (even though you don't understand it now) and the universe will manifest really great things for you.

Regarding having to temporarily sacrifice your newly womanly body--look at it this way, there is nothing more condusive to helping a woman become empowered and awakened in her sexuality than motherhood itself.

Here's a peek into my life so you don't have to take my word for it. (about it turning out pretty swell)

Midwife apprentice and mama to 6, including three UC babies: Jude River, 06/04/08, Elora Wren Isolde, 9/27/10, and our newest addition, Eilish Neve Isebeul, 6/12/14!
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#12 of 16 Old 10-23-2007, 01:41 AM
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All i can say is i was right there with you 7 years ago. I was almost 19 in my first year of college when i found out i was pregnant. I had to tell my boyfriend over the phone because he lived on the opposite coast then me! I saw him only twice during the pregnancy once was to get married. He was in the military and we by no means had a lot of money. But you know what life isnt determined by past mistakes but the decisions you make from this point on. I grew up really fast and though i am 26 you would never know it. I have 4 children, one on the way, and am really loving life.........not because its easy but because I know i am doing what i was ment to do. Most of my 35-40 year old friends are calling me for advice and help. Age doesnt mean anything. You can do this. Just stuff your pride and seek help from family and friends.

I'll be praying for you.

Angela: Catholic Homeschooling Mom to Sierra(11/00), twins Addison & Kendall(3/03), Jack(4/06), Brielle (7/08), Levi (2/2011); due with#7 (9/13). Birthed every witch C section. VbAC. Unassisted water birth (hypno/painless). Assisted waterbirth to an almost 10lber! (Not painless!)
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#13 of 16 Old 10-23-2007, 10:59 AM
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You've received some great advice here and I don't have alot more to add except that I know if you search deep down inside you will know what is best for you and your sweet baby. Regardless of what decision you make, you have alot of support here. I was adopted when I was 3 months old and grew up in a very loving family. I do not know my birth parents as adoptions were closed back in the 70s when I was born. I just thought I would let you know *if* that is the decision you make it is one of the most loving and unselfish decisions you can make. There are so many loving couples out there that for whatever reason are unable to have children of their own. There are numerous community resources that you can look into to get some counseling on this and give you more information on your various options.

I know that you have many difficult decisions ahead of you. Now is the time to gather your friends and family around you for support and love. Remember you have all of us at MDC as well. Hugs and best wishes. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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#14 of 16 Old 10-23-2007, 11:24 AM
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Oh, honey. You must be very confused and worried. I was in the same situation some years back, so I understand it's difficult. Whatever you decide to do, you have my support. Feel free to PM if you need to talk.
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#15 of 16 Old 10-23-2007, 12:08 PM
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I was in a similar situation with my first DD, and that was only what, two years ago that I was pregnant? I was 19, had no job, no money, my ex was abusive...and suddenly I was pregnant! I pulled it together QUICK. and its still not all "together", but its better and I'm providing a great life for my DD. I moved home, got a job, and just focused on my sweet baby to be. A few months into my pregnancy I married my now DH, who is my best friend and soulmate (don't worry hes not the abusive ex, we dont speak to him), he picked up TWO jobs, and we moved into our own apartment. We're still on foodstamps and medicaid (though we'll be switching to DH's insurance from costco in Nov.), but we are providing the best life we can to our beautiful baby....I guess now BABIES! I nursed DD and still do, so no need to buy formula, she is mostly CDed with dipes I bought on ebay or the MDC trading post, I think I spent maybe 100 dollars on all of her diapers total.
And most of all she is loved. So, so loved. And I learned that thats all that babies need, and luckily its the easiest thing to give.
You will be ok, your baby will be ok, mommies have instincts to protect and love our babies, just listen to your heart, which is ageless and limitless.
Whatever you decide to do, I will be here for you if you want to talk. There is a lot of financial help out there for you, but I don't think you'll need any help to be a GREAT mom! :

mama to August May (8/06) Liberty Kiana (7/08) and Calliope Rose (6/15/10)
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#16 of 16 Old 10-23-2007, 05:24 PM
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Youngmama, i think you're brave and wise to be facing your own uncertainty head on. It's crucial to decide what's best for you and for this baby, and you obviously know this right from the start.

Like everyone else who's already posted here, I don't have any clear advice except to go inside and listen for your answer. If you're quiet and honest with yourself, it will come.

Sending a huge hug and lots of support...
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