Can I just NOT tell people I'm pregnant? lol - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 10-24-2007, 08:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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VENT!!!!

I'm in a break off group from BBC with my birth group with my first DD, theres about 20 of us, varrying from ultra crunchy (ahem, me lol) to ultra mainstream. We mostly just chit chat, and I really like everyone there despite parenting differences, but oh my gosh they are preparing me for my family already!!! :

They know I'm planning a homebirth and there has been so much drama over it already, to the point where two people have said that they don't think homebirth is EVER safe.

We agreed to disagree, and now we're on to the gest. diabetes test (that I'm not doing) and why they all think its so important to have.....

I know this sounds like regular mainstream birth board drama, but we are really a very drama free group! We are more like friends who'd meet for coffee. We don't really discuss the stuff we know we disagree on, like a few of them CIO and a few of us co-sleep, and a few of us do something in between, and its never been a big issue because we have so much other stuff to talk about.

But for some reason this seems to be "harp on homebirth week" or something and I'm ALREADY tired of it! I am dreading being on the defensive my entire pregnancy (not with them, I'm sure it will pass with them soon, I'm talking family etc.)

I know people I meet at the store or whatever I don't have to engage in that convo, but my family.....they will ask who my doctor is, what hospital I'm going to.....and then I'll hear it for the next year or so (even after the baby is born ).

Anyone else dreading becoming the homebirth educator and advocate of the family?

mama to August May (8/06) Liberty Kiana (7/08) and Calliope Rose (6/15/10)
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#2 of 11 Old 10-24-2007, 09:00 PM
 
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Right there with you. After dd2 was born, my ILs thought that would be a great time to "announce" that since I'd had my birthcenter birth, if we had anymore children, we'd be going to an OB and a big hospital (dd1 was born in a hospital... long story short, I have some anatomical abnormalities and needed surgery to allow for a vaginal birth. Thank goodness I lived out in the middle of rural nowhere, in a more medicalized setting I would've been a routine CS for sure!). Well, dd3 was caught by dh at our birthcenter.

I'm dreading telling them (or worse, feeling like I have to avoid telling them) that we're considering a homebirth. Ugh. My MIL even attended a successful, beautiful homebirth in Berkeley when FIL was in school at Stanford. She still gets misty eyed about it! But, she pulls no punches in trying to scare me silly about birthing away from a hospital. :

What I've never understood is why anyone feels the need to scare a pregnant woman silly when she's obviously making an informed choice that she's thought through carefully. :

The line that has generally worked well for us, when dealing with that generation, is making the point that, "Our midwife carries with her ALL the technology that was available at the hospital when you delivered your babies." I mean seriously, even if we *needed* an emergency C-section, it's a bazillion times faster to transport to a hospital and get to an OR than it was to just prep an OR thirtysome-odd years ago.

Aiyiyiyi.
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#3 of 11 Old 10-24-2007, 09:21 PM
 
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Oh yes. I haven't told the fam yet. DREADING IT. My mom is soooooooo medical. As was my last pregnancy. She does know that I am seeing a midwife that comes to my house. Her first question was "But when are you going to start prenatal vitamins?" For some reason these are like the most important thing in the WORLD to her. Anyway, I told her that I have been taking them since I got pregnant with DS since I was still nursing. To this she rolled her eyes (since she thinks that nursing past 6 months is pointless.) I honestly don't think I will tell her. I will not invite her in advance to the birth. My MIL doesn't agree with the decision, but is supportive. I will invite her for sure. I may have DH call my mom and tell her that I am in labor and that she is welcome to come if she wishes. That's my plan at least. I just don't want to fight over it, because nothing she is going to say is going to change my mind.

Oh and RE mainstream boards... I just can't go to them anymore. I just disagree too much and end up making people mad totally unintentionally. Which I really think stems from their realization that what I am doing is really best, and what they are doing is not. But maybe I am totally off base there.

CPST and SAHM to DS (4/20/06) and DD (6/13/08)
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#4 of 11 Old 10-24-2007, 11:47 PM
 
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I would point them to the new Ricki Lake movie! Do you know about it? It is called The Business of Being Born, and I am soooo glad she made it. There has been tons of media attention around it.
http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com
Dang, there was a clip from The View linked there, but it isn't working right now, at least for me.

Maybe I am a weirdo, but I love it when people are shocked I am having a homebirth and love being an advocate for it. I love to throw statistics and studies at people.
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#5 of 11 Old 10-24-2007, 11:53 PM
 
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Here's another spin- I actually don't agree with homebirth- but you can do what you'd like in my opinion (it's your body, your baby, and your life...not really my business!) but maybe they come across as criticizing but it's because they love and care about you and just want you to be safe....You know- like it's all unknown to them and sometimes ppl only think what they know is safe and right- and they're scared for you that something could happen and they don't really know how to express it in another way. Does that make sense at all??
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#6 of 11 Old 10-25-2007, 03:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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no, I totally get that mirasmom, and that is usually what we're like, we respect each others opinions even if we disagree. But I had a mom PMing me off the board to tell me how my baby could be stillborn if I don't get the GD test. and I just don't want to deal with that crap right now. I mean I don't PM her or anyone else for that matter saying "you should not let your DS CIO because it could cause him brain damage!" because I know she has made her own decisions about how to care for her son, and it doesnt affect me, nor will I change her very ingrained views on that issue. Yes I care for her and her DS and I really wish he wasn't crying in his crib alone, but I know arguing about it is NOT going to change their minds, and thats not the kind of board we are. We are very much an "Agree to disagree type board", and thats why I liked it so much. And it was even ok for people on there to ask me if a homebirth was safe because I am happy to answer a question out of genuine concern. But posts saying that they think all people who homebirth are putting their unborn babies at risk, and flat out stating that they think it is NEVER safe is not ok with me. Neither is the ganging up on me mentality, where I then have 4-5 women posting messages inferring that what I'm doing is not safe, that their babies would have died in a homebirth, how they can't believe anyone would risk that for comfort.....and this isn't even a thread on homebirth, its our chit-chatty thread, we talk about what we made for dinner, or what dumb thing our husbands did today, or that our kids are driving us batty today, or what was on TV that day, but for some reason my tiny little vent about insurance coverage (I was making calls all morning and needed to vent) turned into this HUGE ordeal. and it really hurt my feelings because obviously, I care about my baby. A lot. And obviously I, like any good mom, have researched and thought about things like this, like birth, and I feel safe having a homebirth. Babies can die, yes, but babies can also die in the hospital, I mean, its not like its something we can really control.
I just refuse to be made to feel like a monster for something I feel is the right thing for me to do. And I don't want that cloud over my head as I go through my pregnancy and birth my beautiful baby into his or her home.

mama to August May (8/06) Liberty Kiana (7/08) and Calliope Rose (6/15/10)
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#7 of 11 Old 10-25-2007, 03:20 AM
 
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Surprisingly, both of our parents have been realy great about the whole homebirth thing. Some of the extended family has been a bit leary- such as my grandma, but I try not to l et it get to me since I know they aren't as educated about birth as I am. Good luck!
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#8 of 11 Old 10-25-2007, 11:58 AM
 
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This is actually my biggest concern this pregnancy. We're having our first homebirth and I'm sure my husband's family and my extended family will freak. We've told my parents and grandparents and they are okay with it. My grandmother actually told me she thought it was wonderful! My inlaws will not be and the rest of my extended family is EXTREMELY medically minded. We've decided not to tell anyone until after the major holidays, at least. I want to celebrate without all the discussion they wouldn't be able to resist having. We'll be asked about it, but we're just going to say we switched midwives because we were looking for caregivers who were more educated about other natural health modalities (chiropractic, accupuncture, homeopathy, etc). It's true, so we'll leave it at that. I'm the world's worst liar - so I'm going with omission in the short term. I have one cousin that will push it, but I haven't decided how to handle her yet! It's one of the big things I want to discuss with my midwife at my appt.

I'm also going to be skipping a lot of the testing (almost ALL!) and what I've told a few people is that we're going "very low tech" this time. I also say that anything my midwife feels I should do, or that seems medically indicated, of course we will take/do. That somehow eases people's concerns - plus it's also true!

We're telling very few people, I think - like a lot of others here, I'm just not up for the negativity. Like someone else said, I've done my research, read the books and the studies and know the stats, and they're in my favor, but most people who want to argue about the "safety" of my choice haven't actually done any of that. I figure if anyone trys to argue with me, I will refer them to some books and that big homebirth study done in 2000, and tell them to look them over and then we'll discuss it. I'll educate and advocate when I'm NOT pregnant - because right now I'm just too emotionally attached to the subject!

I hope we all end up with relatives and friends who can be supportive and respectful!

Namaste.
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#9 of 11 Old 10-25-2007, 12:06 PM
 
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I hear you about the 'being on the defensive' deal... I'm fortunate because I've been telling anyone who will listen that I'm planning a homebirth next time. Sometimes I get into 'why' and sometimes not...depends what my energy level is at that moment.
Most people know that I'm a super-duper researcher for everything...I'm also more formally educated (fwiw) than anyone in my family/friend group so that gives me a leg-up in their minds. This just helps to prevent anyone from really arguing with me about anything...I can only imagine what they say behind my back!
To shut people up about anything I just ask: where are you coming from with that? have you really looked into homebirth (extended breastfeeding, not vaxing, cosleeping..take your pick!)? Undoubtedly the answer is no. This usually stops people in their tracks...because they know they have no *real* knowledge of whatever we're talking about. I love it! You should've seen my best friend's face when she jokingly asked me "you're not going to be one of those women breastfeeding her three year old, are you?" I replied as a above and then she got to feeling pretty *dumb* for her judgemental, immature statement......
ahhhhh.
ok, thanks for this thread.
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#10 of 11 Old 10-25-2007, 03:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by *mama moose* View Post
no, I totally get that mirasmom, and that is usually what we're like, we respect each others opinions even if we disagree. But I had a mom PMing me off the board to tell me how my baby could be stillborn if I don't get the GD test. and I just don't want to deal with that crap right now. I mean I don't PM her or anyone else for that matter saying "you should not let your DS CIO because it could cause him brain damage!" because I know she has made her own decisions about how to care for her son, and it doesnt affect me, nor will I change her very ingrained views on that issue. Yes I care for her and her DS and I really wish he wasn't crying in his crib alone, but I know arguing about it is NOT going to change their minds, and thats not the kind of board we are. We are very much an "Agree to disagree type board", and thats why I liked it so much. And it was even ok for people on there to ask me if a homebirth was safe because I am happy to answer a question out of genuine concern. But posts saying that they think all people who homebirth are putting their unborn babies at risk, and flat out stating that they think it is NEVER safe is not ok with me. Neither is the ganging up on me mentality, where I then have 4-5 women posting messages inferring that what I'm doing is not safe, that their babies would have died in a homebirth, how they can't believe anyone would risk that for comfort.....and this isn't even a thread on homebirth, its our chit-chatty thread, we talk about what we made for dinner, or what dumb thing our husbands did today, or that our kids are driving us batty today, or what was on TV that day, but for some reason my tiny little vent about insurance coverage (I was making calls all morning and needed to vent) turned into this HUGE ordeal. and it really hurt my feelings because obviously, I care about my baby. A lot. And obviously I, like any good mom, have researched and thought about things like this, like birth, and I feel safe having a homebirth. Babies can die, yes, but babies can also die in the hospital, I mean, its not like its something we can really control.
I just refuse to be made to feel like a monster for something I feel is the right thing for me to do. And I don't want that cloud over my head as I go through my pregnancy and birth my beautiful baby into his or her home.
That sounds so hard. And exactly like what happens to me at mainstream boards. I try so hard not to attack people for things like CIO etc. but I just seem to piss them off about the things that are important to me. For example, I got run off a board for talking about extended rear-facing car seats. Something I care about a lot, but I guess seems to piss people off that turn their kids right at a year.

If you really care about staying there, I would send her links to home birthing information. Show her that pregnancies that go into labor NATURALLY usually do not need any interference and that usually the hospital is what causes the "emergency." THEN, I would state to her that you feel like having to justify this decision to her is not respectful and though you may disagree with her decisions you do not attack her for them. Kinda like you explained it to us. I think she will get the picture.

Hope it gets better!

CPST and SAHM to DS (4/20/06) and DD (6/13/08)
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#11 of 11 Old 10-25-2007, 04:21 PM
 
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I'm also part of another BBC off-shoot, but fortunately we're all pretty respectful of each other's choices. There is another mom on there who has had a homebirth, several of us have had NCB, but also epi/induction and c/s mamas and things have stayed civil.

But I do get where you're coming from about telling family. My mom was very supportive when I used a mw for DD's birth (small, NCB-friendly hospital), but has made comments about how she thinks its stupid to homebirth in case something happens and its best to just be at the hospital. My aunt (her SIL) planned a homebirth for her first, when she was 43, and ended up needing to transport, had a c/s and the baby had some significant breathing problems after (she's fine now). She also argued with her mw for over an hour about going to the hospital after her mw thought there was a problem. So when my mom argues, saying how her niece almost died, I argue back that that's exactly why its important to find a mw you trust and listen to her judgement when its time to transfer. She usually stops at that point. So I'm not sure how supportive she'll be, but I also think she'll respect my decision.

The ILs are another story. For them, using a mw at all was sooo foreign and they questioned it throughout the pg and just did not understand why I would use one or why I would want NCB. They will freak at the idea of homebirth. Dh and I have already discussed how we may need to just point blank tell them "these are our choices and we have researched them and feel that they are in the best interest of our family. We understand that you may disagree and that you also want what is best for us, but if you can't discuss the birth in a positive manner, then we can't discuss it with you any more."

But we still haven't %100 decided on homebirth, since we still have to find a mw, so I'll probably wait to tell at least the ILs until we've officially made our decision. No reason to start drama if I end up using the same mw and hospital I used for DD.

IWish - I love your comment about asking people where they're coming from and if they actually have information to back up their questions! May have to use that one
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