I think it's rude to even ask! - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-16-2008, 11:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What is with uninvited guests around here? I've seen it in several threads on here and on another DDC board. What makes people think it's okay or "no big deal" to practically invite themselves to come visit right around the time a baby is due?!

I think it's mean to even ask, I mean of course I'm going to feel bad telling a friend/family member that I don't want them here, but I have to or I will end up suffering through unwanted company. My mom is coming to stay with us for a while, which has been a planned thing for a long time...but it was never part of the plan for her to bring my 13 year old brother along with her. I really like him and we have a close relationship, but I just don't want another person staying in our house right now, plus there is the fact that he is at that age, and him and my mom are constantly getting in arguments. Then last week my mom calls and asks if it would be alright if younger brother brings a friend with him up here I said no I'm not really comfortable with that, I don't want them here when I'm having the baby (it's a homebirth). I was thinking I would suggest that my mom drop him/them off at my older brother's house on her way up here and let them have a visit instead of bringing him here...but I just got off the phone with younger brother and he told me "mom said we are coming up there tomorrow!" Then he proceeded to ask me if he could bring his friend up here and said "we won't be around when your having the baby." WTH?!?! Is it really really that hard to understand.... is it something only a pregnant woman can understand....? DONT FRIKEN INVITE YOURSELF OVER TO MY HOUSE AROUND THE TIME I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY. Of course I told him no and I think I said "I don't want to have any extra people around here right now." He sounded really disappointed. And of course now I feel awful, I feel like crap, I really like my brother and I don't want to hurt his feelings and I want him to always feel welcome to come visit me. I'm not mad at him but I'm kind of upset with my mom for not telling him right off that it's not a good idea to invite a friend up here, and for not asking me if it's okay that my brother comes in the first place. I guess I will call her tonight and see what she thinks about sending him to our older brother's house instead of bringing him up with her. If for some reason that's not a possibility I guess I will just live with him coming up here. At least we have DH's grandparents next door and he can sleep & hang out over there. It just bugs me how my mom has this "oh it will be fine nobody will bother you" attitude...when in reality I know every little thing about having anyone here will bother me right now, I am very irritable and just want to be left alone... Honestly I wish even my mom would stay away and come AFTER the birth but I know she would be very very hurt if I asked her to do that.

Sorry for the long vent/rant... I just can't believe the nerve of people who don't respect that we need privacy in our birth space!
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Old 06-17-2008, 12:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I can't even believe this... not 30 seconds after I hit post on that last rant the phone rings and it's my dad (which is weird he never calls me unless he has a reason). He BS'd around for a while "oh how's the weather, la la blah blah..." then all of sudden starts asking me about my little brother coming up here with his friend. I can't believe it they thought getting my dad to ask me would some how get me to change my mind!??! I almost started yelling at my dad, I told him I wish everyone would stop asking, I don't want them to come right now! Then he put my mom on the phone and she stared going on and on about my brother and how she's so glad he's hanging out with this friend rather than the other kids he was hanging out with because they are bad news and how much she likes this boy and his family is so nice and yada yada. Then she says my brother is really disappointed and that his friend is already packed to come up here...and maybe the boys can just stay in a tent in the backyard : Seriously WTH. I started yelling at her that I don't want them up here and I feel like she's being very inconsiderate to keep asking. Then she said "well sorry I thought you understood what it was like to be 13 and have friends and want to..." I cut her off and said "well I'M SORRY but I thought YOU understood what it was like to have a baby and not want a bunch of visitors in your space!!" She tried to keep arguing with me and I told her if she's going to be like this I don't even want her up here then I hung up on her. Ugh I hate this, I never fight with my mom...I hate when she gets like this...it's like I said before she thinks "everything will be fine, nobody will bug you" but they DO BUG ME.

She just called me back and informed me that she will be coming up any time she wants, nothing will stop her and proceded to try and joke with me about her bringing some stupid friend of hers up here...which I didn't find very funny. Then she started asking me if she could buy a travel trailer and park it in our driveway while she's up here because my DD would really like that and it would be fun for my (2 year old) DD to hang out in it....(???????????) I told her she sounded very suspicious... obviously a travel trailer is not going to be for DD...and asked if this is another ploy to have the boys come up and stay in the travel trailer. She said "no you made it very clear you don't want them there." Well thank god...finally!!!! I'm so annoyed by her I swear if she comes up here and starts drama I'm kicking her out into a hotel...maybe the travel trailer thing is a good idea for her!
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Old 06-17-2008, 01:06 AM
 
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You so should not have to deal with this right now! I'm very sorry. I wouldn't want anyone around me who didn't respect my wishes for space/privacy and I can't imagine have teenage boys to deal with! I wonder if the other boys parents understand that their son would be barging in on a home birth :

I hope that everything gets resolved and your visit with family is peaceful!

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Old 06-17-2008, 02:08 AM
 
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Uuuuugh, I feel for you. At least they're your relatives - I have a "friend" who always makes excuses to show up when I'm at my weakest. She invites herself over at the most inopportune moments (always by talking to my husband, who is soft, instead of directly to me). She is totally manipulative and insecure, and I feel that she likes to see me in weak positions (i.e., 40 weeks pregnant and feeling it). I could write you a novella, but I don't want to hijack your thread. Good luck, and good for you for letting everyone know how you feel.

Diana
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:59 AM
 
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That's awful! I'm sorry you're dealing with that right now. s

I'm sure you want this to be a time of peace when you can focus on what's ahead -- not when you feel like you have to manage family members. You are absolutely right to try to keep yourself and your little one at the center of things. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to be pushed far enough that you have to tell family members outright "You are not wanted her right now!"

We sent an e-mail out to all our family and friends with information about our birth plans/locations and concluded it by writing "we'll look forward to introducing the newest member of our family after we've spent a week at home cocooning with just the four of us." I think most people got the message.
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Old 06-17-2008, 03:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you ladies for your support...


I just really need to hear people agreeing with me right now. I'm at the point where even my toddler being around me is starting to get on my nerves, I don't think I can handle any visitors. Maybe I should call my mom back or have DH call her and ask her to please wait until the end of the week to come up...I feel like i need some time to cool off after all of this. Besides, she was just here a few weeks ago for a week and it was just awful. Because of some emotional and relationship problems she is dealing with right now she was moody and super depressed, not to mention her raging alcoholism and refusal to respect our wishes of not drinking around us/in our house. I feel so torn, I really don't want here here right now but I also can bear to hurt her feelings by asking her not to come at all.

I feel so much stronger this time around with being able to say no to people...especially after reading that so many mamas deal with the same kind of thing and seeing how much better it is to put your foot down and say no than to suffer through having too many people around.


Nimbus- your email sounds absolutely perfect, I wish I could have done something like that! The problem is that my mother knows I don't really want her here, and responds by telling me that it's just too bad she's going to be here no matter what. She's always been that way though with everything in my life...but i'm starting to think that maybe this time it would be better to stand up to her and tell her no, this is about me and my comfort not her. I just hope that if I did that I wouldn't be spending the rest of the pregnancy/birth focused on feeling awful and guilty for excluding my mom.
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Old 06-17-2008, 03:31 AM
 
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COMPLETE BS!!!

You do what you need to... this is YOUR SHOW!!! I can't imagine!!!!
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Old 06-17-2008, 06:08 AM
 
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Yikes!!

1st - You are completely in the right here!

2nd - What is the matter with people??!!?? No way in the world would I be able to handle a teenaged boy around, let alone a stranger while I'm laboring. Dh has some teenaged cousins who are about the most fabulous kids I've ever met, polite, well-mannered, and pleasant to visit with... and I would chew off my arm before I birthed in front of them!!!

For goodness sake, my MIL was over here for about an hour this afternoon, after taking care of dd2 all day. We had a lovely visit and I was STILL relieved when she headed home. We nest for a reason! We are meant to give birth quietly and in a place that we have made as secure as possible... which means NO unknown entities!

So, my advice is simple: NEW, STRONG LOCKS!! If your mom is in a place where she is unable to respect your very simple and primal needs for security during this time, then keep her away by any means necessary.

Besides, forget the other kid's parents... does the FRIEND know what he's signing on for with this trip??? Most young teenagers I know would be mortified at the idea of being present at the birth (with attendent nudity/noise) of a stranger. If they want to encourage this friendship, putting the friend in an awkward position (stuck at a house where he's uncomfortable or feels unwelcome) is probably the worst way to do so.

Triple UGH!! I'm so sorry that they are being so inconsiderate of your needs.

I wish you the strength to deal with this and get it resolved quickly!
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Old 06-17-2008, 11:33 AM
 
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It's terribly rude to even ask! I was in the exact same position within the last week or so. Cousins from NY have been tentatively planning a trip here (we live in Israel) "this summer sometime" for several months. They're not allowed to stay with DH's parents, who live nearby, since his little sister is taking her SAT's shortly and they don't want anything DISTRACTING HER. So - the family conclusion was that they should stay with US. THE WEEK THE BABY IS DUE. They've been with us all week - being as respectful as they can - but how could they have been so DISrespectful as to ask in the first place? Making me the big fat witch who says NO YOU MUST PAY FOR A HOTEL AFTER YOU'VE PAID BIG BUCKS FOR AN INTERNATIONAL PLANE TICKET TO SEE US.

They left this morning - so we're in the clear. But I am with you 110% - where the hell do people get this kind of nerve? You gotta be kidding!
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Old 06-17-2008, 11:44 AM
 
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Too much! NO WAY should you feel bad or guilty for not having even your mom there. It doesn't sound like she is respecting you AT ALL and you do not need that for your birth. Here is another perspective to think about:

This birth is all about you AND baby. If you are stressed or worried, you are giving that message to your babe during labor and sending signals that it is not time to come out yet(think about fight or flight, adrenaline inhibiting the flow of oxytocin) and possibly creating a longer labor! I KNOW you don't want that!!!

It is sooo important for you to be in the space you need with only the people who are 100% respectful and supportive. Your mom may not understand that, but it is not your job to change her. You have to put your foot down. Once she sees the baby(when you ARE ready for visitors) the drama of it all will fade and she will just be in baby bliss love! And you don't really want to carry resentment towards your mom by "letting" her be there when it sounds like you really don't, just because you didn't want to hurt her feelings!
I am sending you strength and support, mama! You are the one who calls the shots right now, remember that!
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Old 06-17-2008, 12:51 PM
 
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I agree w/ all of the PPs, and you, too, kaela!

Having already told relatives that they cannot come to visit while we are waiting for the baby, I feel your pain. At least they were respectful enough not to say they were coming anyway!

Be strong. As someone else said, this is your show...you can protect your birth space and birth process for your LO. I don't even think you should worry about hurting your mom's feelings, she's certainly not thinking about yours! Her "getting hurt" is not your responsibility. She is the one who governs how she reacts to situations and I suspect that hurt feelings is one way she keeps you doing what she wants. (just my humble opinion after years of being a therapist to ppl in v. similar circumstances)

I am sending peaceful birthing and last weeks vibes, along w/ plenty of hugs to you. GL!
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:28 PM
 
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Ooey - That is EFFING RIDICULOUS.

I cannot believe your mom would invite him without asking... your dad would call to pressure... That's SO inappropriate!

Do not feel guilty for ONE SECOND about claiming your space! It's your birth!

*hugs*

Homebirthing, homeschooling AP, gardening maniac running a working farm. No circ, no vax, no cable TV. EC'd and CD'd, tandem BF'd.  Cheese and soap making goat and child herder.
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:37 PM
 
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She just called me back and informed me that she will be coming up any time she wants, nothing will stop her
This would have been the end right there for me. Mother or not, if she showed up on my door, it would be the local PD escorting her off of my property.

dizzy.gif DS1: 10/89 - DD1: 06/94 - DD2: 02/97 - DS2: 12/05 - DS3: 12/08 - DC6: ETA 04/26/12

I'll be 42 when the newest little one is born! Yowza!

 

 

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Old 06-17-2008, 03:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all your words of support ladies, it really means a lot to me.

I'm not really sure how to feel at this point. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and cooled off about the whole situation. Then I called my mom to see what she was up too and if she was still planning to come today. "Yes, WE are getting ready to leave right now" is what she said. Apparently their new plan is that her, my dad and the boys are going to drive up here, and they are going to "drop her off here" while they go camping. I wasn't quite sure what to say to that... I mean she's technically respecting that I asked her not to have the boys come stay right now...but then again they will be here when they drop her off and who knows how plans might change from now to then. And then there is the whole issue of her being dropped off here as in she won't have her own vehicle and we are stuck with her no matter what. I should have said something...I wasn't really thinking I just said "um okay see you later" kinda thing and now I'm regretting it. What should I do?! What can I say to get out of this...maybe I should suggest that she go camping with them and come up here afterwards...? She's so difficult and manipulative sometimes I swear :
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Old 06-17-2008, 04:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Ooey View Post
Apparently their new plan is that her, my dad and the boys are going to drive up here, and they are going to "drop her off here" while they go camping.

And then there is the whole issue of her being dropped off here as in she won't have her own vehicle and we are stuck with her no matter what.
Um, I hate to be suspicious, but is there any way that the "camping" is going to involve all of them hanging out in your driveway in the travel trailer you mentioned her buying??

And, I think that encouraging her to go camping is absolutely a great idea. I'd say something like "Go and have fun camping w/ the guys and we'll call you to come back when the babe is born! Really, you'd be so bored just sitting around here watching me... go and get some great fresh air!! Make some great memories w/ds and ds's friend!! I really want you to enjoy yourself!! :insert sincere super wide I'm-such-a-considerate-daughter smile here:"
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Old 06-17-2008, 04:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Um, I hate to be suspicious, but is there any way that the "camping" is going to involve all of them hanging out in your driveway in the travel trailer you mentioned her buying??

And, I think that encouraging her to go camping is absolutely a great idea. I'd say something like "Go and have fun camping w/ the guys and we'll call you to come back when the babe is born! Really, you'd be so bored just sitting around here watching me... go and get some great fresh air!! Make some great memories w/ds and ds's friend!! I really want you to enjoy yourself!! :insert sincere super wide I'm-such-a-considerate-daughter smile here:"
I called back and well I tried on the getting her to go camping but it was a no go. BUT I did convince her to leave the boys to go camping on their own and have her drive up here ALONE in her own car. I played it as "I don't really want to even see dad right now since he's been so mean to you lately..." and it worked like a charm. I was a little surprised at how quckly she said "okay, I'll just come by myself then." It was a stupid idea anyway to have my dad and the boys drive 8 hours up here to drop her off, then drive another couple hours back to find somewhere to go camping...when they live in Lake Tahoe and there are a million beautiful spots right around there where they can go camping. It was almost as if she was planning it that was just to be able to irritate me, while still technically "respecting my wishes." So anyway I'm okay with her coming now, at least if things get ugly I can ask her to leave. I'm still a little nervous though, just hope she behaves herself while she's here and doesn't put me in an awkward position with her drinking...or get all crazy rage and try to take over the whole birth...last time she actually yelled at my midwives at one point...: she can get pretty um, strongly opinionated at times, but since her opinions are usually pretty on target with mine it's not always a bad thing, and she has homebirthed 3 children of her own so she's got some good insight. She's so wonderful most of time though, I'm really crossing my fingers that this ends up being a good visit.
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Old 06-17-2008, 04:52 PM
 
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wow that is a hard situation to be in! My mil was planning on barging in on us too, but I managed to find this out through my mother so I made dh tell her she can't come. I don't get how people think that the baby is somehow theirs and they don't need to respect the mother who will be RECOVERING from birth!

I am so sorry that she is being so insensitive. Hopefully in the end she will prove helpful?

Jacqueline
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Old 06-17-2008, 08:27 PM
 
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i think you stole my story! i thought my baby would be late and come when my mom was here. he came a little early. my mom tried the same thing with my brother and his friend. i stood my ground and said no. i couldnt afford to feed teenage boys or want to clan after them or entertain them. well, my mom ended up staying at her sister's house. much more room there. i still got to see them often and the visit turned out well. good luck to you.

Lisa wife to Ronne and mom to 4 kids ,Thomas 4/92, Amanda 9/99, Christopher 8/06 & Nathaniel 5/08.
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