Mamas' have needs too.. CIO I feel terible.. - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-11-2008, 06:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Please don't flame me, I'm totally against CIO but it happened accidentally, I feel like such a horrible mom.

How do you mamas do it? I need to eat too, preferably before the point that my blood sugar is so low that I've got the shakes and feel like I'm going to faint. I need to go to the bathroom too, preferably before the point that I feel like I'm going to mess myself.

I can't put Rhaevyn down for more than 5 seconds without her screaming. I'm by myself all day with her. I only put her down when I really need to, I know that she is safe in her little bathtub (I'm still too sore to carry her, so I drag her in a baby bathtub to get from one room to another) on the couch while I go to the kitchen to get a glass of water or to make a sandwich, yet she screams and doesn't stop. I verbally reassure her that I'm here but it doesn't help. I drag her into the bathroom with me. I've even fed her from the toilet a few times because I've been so constipated and wasn't going to be finished anytime soon. I've even broken down and let Ken buy her a Nuk, and it helps a little bit so she isn't on my breasts 24/7 but it doesn't help much when I try to put her down. I just feel so guilty and selfish when I need to pee or eat, but I need to be healthy and take care of myself so I can be healthy to take care of her.

Can anybody offer any insight?
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Old 07-11-2008, 07:03 PM
 
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First of all....this is not CIO. Crying it out is a means of sleep training where you put a baby in a crib and let it cry until it passes out.

Have you got a sling? It sounds like you could really benifit from one. You could be holding baby and still have 2 hands free for eating/pooping.
Is there anyone who can come hold the baby for you so you can have some mommy time....wether it be in the bathroom, outside etc? Sounds like you are getting worn out.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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Old 07-11-2008, 08:06 PM
 
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Like Vanessa said, this is not CIO, and being anti-CIO doesn't mean your baby will never cry. It means you'll respond to her cries as soon as possible—sometimes that means after you've had time to finish your business or get a quick shower. Also, I know some mamas are against this, but we use a swing when we need Nora to be content while I can't hold her. Honestly, it's a lifesaver. It only works if we put her in it already asleep, so I hold her or nurse her until she's asleep, put her in the swing, and then do what I need to do (quickly, since she doesn't love it enough to stay there for long periods). Honestly, if I weren't able to put her down from time to time, her older brother would get no cuddles from mama, and that wouldn't be fair either.

Go easy on yourself. Just approach it with compassion for baby and mama; I'm sure you're doing great.
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Old 07-11-2008, 08:38 PM
 
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mama You aren't doing CIO. I know it is horrible to hear them cry. I agree that you need a sling. It will help a ton. DD loves her wrap, and I can get lots done with her in it.

CPST and SAHM to DS (4/20/06) and DD (6/13/08)
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Old 07-11-2008, 08:44 PM
 
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A sling is a good suggestion for when you are able to carry her, but in the meantime could you get (buy or borrow) a bassinet with wheels?
I got one for DS1 and it was definitely worth buying.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time Mama, it does get easier!


(sorry, lurking in from Dec DDC)
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Old 07-11-2008, 08:54 PM
 
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You are not CIO-ing. You're just getting a short break. You're doing fine!
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Old 07-11-2008, 09:09 PM
 
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I totally agree with the pp... this is NOT cio. I felt terrible the other day... Bastian was hungry, but Nora had a poop blow-out in her bed. I couldn't sling him and clean it up (YUCK!) and he cried for a few minutes while I cleaned her up. What could I do?? I couldn't leave her like that until he was done eating... she'd have been burned all over.

It's hard, but sometimes you *have* to do something else first. The idea is that you respond as soon as possible and reassure them however you can that you hear them and you are aware of their needs. Not being able to clone yourself really sucks sometimes.

Mama. I third (fourth?) the recs for a good sling as soon as you're able, but in the meantime it sounds like you're doing what you can. Would it be possible to anticipate your needs and prep for some of them while your dh is around to care for the babe? Like, you know you'll need something to drink while you nurse, so while she's napping you could fill a pitcher and put it and a glass by your nursing spot? It won't eliminate all of those situations, but maybe it could cut down on your stress a little bit.

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Old 07-11-2008, 10:10 PM
 
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I agree with all the above!! mama
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Old 07-11-2008, 10:19 PM
 
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Slinging will help when you are feeling up for it but in the meantime, have you tried swaddling her and then lying her down once she's asleep? This does the trick about half the time with mine.
Hang in there, on the really bad days with my last baby (she was colicky!) I had to remember that my needs being met was important too- I was a better mom and had more patience to deal with her high needs. I think of it like when your on an airplane and they give you the safety spiel at the beginning about putting your oxygen mask on before any child's- you are making sure you are able to help others because your needs are met first- I hope you get the idea.
Hang in there, I hope it gets better soon!

Quoteriginally Posted by aswbarry~A~ Mama to DD 6y, DD , DD 3y and DD 1y
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Old 07-11-2008, 10:37 PM
 
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Also - don't be discouraged if you have to try a few different kinds of baby carriers. I'm still sling-inept, to the point that we didn't even go down that road with Daniel. I got myself an AngelPack carrier.

Anyway, all to say that baby-wearing is definitely the way to go for your "hold me" baby, but you might need to try a few different things before you find what works for you.

In the meantime, huge hug to you. It's the most demanding thing in the world, isn't it? I wish you weren't alone all day....
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Old 07-12-2008, 06:32 PM
 
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The first couple months really are the most difficult. I think the more children I have, the more I realize I can't stop them from crying once in awhile. Seriously, my older dd never cried. I was always right on top of her the first little sound she made. I would make sure every one of her needs were met before mine. Ds cried a bit more, but for the most part I was there within seconds. The baby...she ends up getting the short end of the stick quite a bit. Today she wanted to eat, but ds had gotten a papercut on his finger so I had to deal with that. She sat and screamed bloody murder while I took care of him. Real tears and everything. But as soon as I could, I picked her up, comforted her, and met her need.

Give yourself some slack. A bit of crying isn't going to hurt a baby.

Tiffany, loving wife to Matt, Mommy to Samantha (10/99), Tevin (8/04), Cadence (6/08) and babymooning with our sweet little Lauren 6/24/10
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Old 07-13-2008, 11:29 PM
 
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De-lurking to comment...

One of my babies had reflux. He cried like that, it was awful and miserable, and he wanted to nurse constantly because he thought it would make him feel better. It didn't, just made it worse because his tummy was overfull. Liquid tagament finally made it better (don't do Reglan, its a common and cheap drug that many doctors prescribe, but can cause Parkinson's like effects, and maybe even seizures.)

My DD, she was my first baby, she had colic. My story sounded much like yours. By the 3rd week I was housebound with a screaming baby, I thought I'd lose my mind. One day she screamed bloody murder for over an hour while we waited at the doctor's office. We tried Mylicon drops, some weird prescription drops, Tylenol (I was desperate), we tried changing outfits (at first wondering if something was pinching), oh my, we tried everything we could think of.

At one point I gently put her in her crib (that she never slept in), closed her bedroom door, and stood outside on the front porch step. At that moment I understood shaken baby syndrome. I hadn't eaten a real meal in days, hadn't showered, my family didn't even want to be there, so I was alone.

One day I woke up and everything was fine. She stopped crying, and smiled and cooed and laughed.

To this day (she just turned 10) she's been a little drama queen, but she's a really cool kid, and so totally amazing.

So, Momma, this too will pass. Some day this day will be a distant memory that you'll say "Thank God/Goddess/Creater/Whoever that I survived." And you will.

The few things that helped us were the swing, the front carrier, and nursing. You might try those things, and every other thing you can imagine (it's worth a shot, right?). Don't feel guilty for caring for yourself, though.

"Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"~Mary Oliver

RT knitting mama  to 3 (& 8 who didn't make it) wife working on 13 years to a silly man who drives me crazy.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:21 AM
 
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Have you tried swaddling her? Get a flannel recieving blanket and wrap her in it with her arms down at her sides. she will be more at ease when you put her down if her arms arent flying everywhere, hitting her face, etc... I've swaddled all of my kids and they really loved it! I'll also recommend The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp. I think he has very good advice on how to help fussy babies, they worked like magic for us. The book also has easy instructions on how to wrap the baby.
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Old 07-14-2008, 12:13 PM
 
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Lots of good stuff already said but I just want to add to the chorus of: you are not CIO - babies can be allowed to cry sometimes basically because we have few options and we need to take care of ourselves and other children. I try to keep my lo content as much as possible but I can't always and I think that is OK - as long as I respond to her cries as soon as I can then she learns that I am there to help her and that she can depend on me to help her calm down/get what she needs. That's what AP is all about right? Wearing yourself out won't do either of you any good in the long run.

Oh and I also have to say, I don't know how people get along without a swing. I have two cause my house is large so I have one in the living room and a smaller portable one in the kitchen. It is the only place either of my babies would nap or stay during the day. My lo is in it right now sleeping happily. Take care - it will get easier but get what you need to make life easier asap.
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Old 07-15-2008, 11:39 AM
 
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I agree with berkeley.....Utilize all the tools at your disposal. I don't sling in the house because my back can't take it. I do use a swing and a bouncy chair. I can bounce the chair with my foot and deal with ds at the same time....or for that matter, eat breakfast, drink coffee whatever. I use the swing mostly when I have to leave the room....bathroom, taking the garbage out etc. Ds1 can get a little enthusiastic with bouncing the chair.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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Old 07-15-2008, 07:58 PM
 
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Freya cried all the time up until last week. She just wasn't happy unless I was holding her and even then sometimes she would scream. I took her to the naturopath last week and found out she has a hiatal hernia and also a dairy sensitivity. So I learned how to "fix" the hiatal hernia when it happens and I'm on a dairy free diet and its AMAZING! She has been like a different baby and will actually let me put her down for short periods of time.

I know that you could be having just normal newborn crying, but it might be worth getting her checked out with an ND!

Good luck!

Tara - nurse and wife to a nurse, mama to four, Izak (7/28/99), Liam (9/25/06), Freya (5/28/08) and Luna (5/19/10)
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Old 07-18-2008, 09:29 PM
 
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Just wondering how you are doing? I remeber being totally traumatized after the birth of my first baby. It was really hard for me to deal with recovering from birth and with a baby who refused to be put down. I would love to hear from you as I can relate to what you are feeling.

Right now I am wearing my third baby in a mei tai - all the time, pretty much. I had to cinch the bottom a bit tighter so his legs could stick out the sides the way they are supposed to when he is bigger, but this is pretty much the only way he likes to be carried. I can't put him down much at all - maybe for 5 minutes total during the day. The mei tai is so much easier for me than a sling, and so much more comfortable. I made this one using the ball baby overall pattern on Jan Andrea's website, so it cost very little - if you can't buy a mei tai maybe someone could make one for you. Or else a wrap is easy to make, not that expensive if you make it yourself, and that is something that can be used in a variety of positions, depending on how you are healing. I know it is tough to have a baby who cannot be put down. A good carrier will make it so much easier on you. And yes, I have had to put down a crying baby too.

Regarding breastfeeding, have you looked at Dr. Jack Newman's website? He has a lot of good information (it's a Canadian pediatritian).

busy mama of three
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Old 07-20-2008, 07:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Things are slowly getting better, I just bought The Happiest Baby On The Block and am in the middle of reading it now. I told Ken how frustrated I am and even though he was a great help before, he is helping even more now.

I was able to get Rhaevyn into the Cuddly Wrap for 2 hours one day, that was a lovely 2 hours, but it's really hit and miss with her, most days she wants nothing to do with it.

I've given up dairy and it has helped quite a bit, but she's still pretty fussy, and I've started writing down everything I eat and what her mood is like each day. I have my 6 week appointment on Friday, so I'll ask the doctor about her freak outs while we're there.

I honestly don't know what I would do without you Mamas' I'm really going to miss you when our DDC closes.
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Old 07-21-2008, 01:38 AM
 
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Don't feel so badly. You are not a horrible mama, you are a human who also has needs. I am glad things are getting better- I second the sling or wrap idea. Check out gypsymama.com. Also, when you have to put her down have you tried tucking her in with a piece of your clothing close enough for her to cuddle and smell? I remember when my ds was small I would put him in the bouncy seat or bassinet when I went to the bathroom and literally peel off my shirt when before I went in there. The smell seemed to calm him and buy me just a little bit more time.
Good luck and keep your chin up, you are doing a fine job from the sound of things. The fact that you feel guilty is normal. But your child will not be traumatized by the fact that you took some time to care for yourself. Your baby needs you healthy and whole.
Take care,
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