coming to terms with this being my last baby - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 07-15-2008, 08:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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NAK

i thought having 2 would make me feel like my family was complete, but i am sad to think this is it. am i the only one? is it just the let down of the end of pregnancy? for those of you who are done, how did you know?

Dh is deadset against another one, and I know financially and career-wise that we can't do this again. Yet, I feel so sad knowing that when I go to my 6-week post partum appointment that I will never be back there again. how do you deal with the end of this period?

j
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#2 of 20 Old 07-15-2008, 08:15 PM
 
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I know how you feel. I know that two is good and plenty. I cannot be pregnant again. I have had horrible HG with both pgs and I just can't be sick for almost another year straight again. DH would have dozens if we could, but I just know my body's limits. It is realy sad though. I'm having a hard time getting rid of my maternity clothes and clothes that Rex has already outgrown. It's just really hard to say goodbye to that part of my life. It just came so unexpectedly and was done so quickly.
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#3 of 20 Old 07-15-2008, 08:33 PM
 
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I'm in the same boat. This is number 3 for me. I thought two was enough and when we got to two, turned out it wasn't. The with this pregnancy, I was very vocal about not wanting anymore, the same for dh. But now I look at Callie and I'm just so sad evrytime she starts moing on to a new stage, just knowing I won't ever experience it again. And this birth was so good for me, I kinda want to do it again just to perfect it.

Oh well, dh goes in for the big snip soon. I really won't have much of a choice after that!!!

I'm going to miss it!
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#4 of 20 Old 07-15-2008, 08:56 PM
 
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I am on the other end of that stick. We wanted to have 3, but I am so done at 2.
I want to sleep at night, and work again, and ride a motercycle and all these things that don't go with little babies.
With my 2 crappy labors I just don't want to do that to myself again.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#5 of 20 Old 07-15-2008, 10:53 PM
 
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I feel done, but still sad about it at times... saying goodbye to such an amazing, life-changing season/ability in our lives is hard. To say "Never again" to ANYthing is tough! But I pray it will bless our current children b/c of this choice...

I got married and sometimes missed the single life - but as time passed, I can say I love it 99% of the time... I think I will feel the same way with this... nostalgic moments, but overall peace with my/our choice.

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#6 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 12:24 PM
 
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I guess it's a BIG end of an era or very big part of the life cycle and I think that is a real hard thing to come to terms with. I will never have a baby with my sister. . .that's kinda sad but I know mentally not emotionally we went way past the limit with 4 for I know for SURE my baby growing years are over. I think I have to look forward to the next part of the life cycle and focus on what I do have and have been blessed with!

Mama of 4 all born at home : Mothering
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#7 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 12:31 PM
 
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DH says he doesn't want any more either, but I can't imagine being done. I can't make that decision, I am so young. I could decide at 40 that I want another. I just can't ever say that I am 100% sure I'm done.

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#8 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 02:29 PM
 
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As much as I thought we were totally done, I will never say "for sure". I'm selling all my diapers and maternity clothes. Double-checked with dh and he reminded me I could always buy new if I had to! But, like Karen said, I'm only 34. No way do I want to decide now how I might feel when I'm 40.
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#9 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 03:13 PM
 
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Yeah we aren't really sure where we stand on the whole thing... DH asked me yesterday, "So how do you feel about having a third kid now?" I said I wasn't going to rule it out and he commented that he thought a boy and a girl were just perfect. I'm not sure what having a third kid in a few years would do for my career (well, I guess it would probably just delay me going up for tenure by another year), but it is hard to think about THE LAST of anything....

Mom to James (ribboncesarean.gif 5/2006), Claire (vbac.gif 6/2008), furry kitties Calvin and Bob, and wife to Dennis. 

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#10 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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We're done at 3. I still feel those pangs....I get teary eyed when I see preg women, I was sad when I left my last post partum appointment. etc etc...

Thing is...for me...I finally realized after some time, that I want to be pregnant again but I don't want anymore babies. I love being pregnant...the body changes..the excitement..the attention. Three is plenty for us. I finally figured it out, but it took time. One caveat...it helps that I am 38...if I were 28, the decision may have been more difficult.
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#11 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 05:21 PM
 
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DH said he didn't want more children when we met, but he felt that a) he "owed" me for helping him raise DSS, and b) he wanted to have a child with me...but now that she's here, she's healthy and safe, he wants to get a vasectomy right away. I'm impressed with his willingness to do something that drastic for the sake of our sex life (a lot of men tend to feel threatened by the Big V), but it seems too soon to decide. We've agreed to hold off on doing anything permanent, mostly for my sake, but DH says he definitely doesn't want more children.

At this point, I'm not sure that I'd want to go through pregnancy and labor again, but the thought of being "cut off" from the start and not having the option available to me makes me sad. We had initially talked about adopting a little girl from Viet-Nam, but I'm not sure about the feasibility of that option considering our finances.

Maybe I'll have to settle for more fur-babies, maybe of the canine kind this time...
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#12 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 07:13 PM
 
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I was thinking about this yesterday too. As much as I hated being pregnant this time around, it makes me really sad to think that this could be it. DH was done several babies ago, so I doubt he'd agree to more, especially now that we have 5, but I am just not sure I want to be done. I am only 25, so I definately won't be making any permanent decisions soon.
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#13 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 09:38 PM
 
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We are done. Dh only wanted 2 and I really wanted a third, now that she's here and she's a she we are definatly done. Financially and emotionally we are at our limit unless we want to re-evaluate our other goals. Dh says he's just waiting for me to decide I want one more, but while I feel really sad about never having a little baby again, knowing tese will all be my lasts, I'm not sad about this being the last round with a pre-schooler I thin it's just about seperating that real desire for more children from the sadness of leaving an era YK?
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#14 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 10:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post
but DH says he definitely doesn't want more children.
Maya, if you don't mind my asking, what are your dh's arguments for having only one child? I'm actually mostly curious about his arguments from the child's perspective, as I can assume the ones from his perspective are mostly financially related. Dh and I have talked about only children quite a bit as we've watched the little girl next door grow up as an only child. She is so lonely all of the time, it's very sad. And she doesn't know how to play with our kids - she finds us all a bit overwhelming, I think! Obviously, this is just one family and one situation, but we honestly cannot find any pro to being an "only".

I also think having only one child is very hard on the parents as the child is likely to require more attention from mom/dad than if they had a sibling to share that attention. If our first had been an only, dh and I would be exhausted by now trying to keep her constantly entertained!! The fact that she has siblings to be with is what keeps us sane.

I know there are a few others on here who are thinking of having just one and I'm truly very curious about their thoughts behind this decision. Basically, what's in it for the child? I hope that doesn't sound too harsh!! Obviously, we like kids, and I definitely don't think everyone needs 5, but I do honestly feel that most people should try for two. If not for companionship during their childhood years (which is a definite plus), but for companionship as adults. Taking care of elderly parents is a lot to put on one child, too.
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#15 of 20 Old 07-16-2008, 11:16 PM
 
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I am feeling very sad that this is our last baby. Some of that grief is related to the fact that we have no daughter in our family - but this is not the biggest factor in my sadness.

Am I the oldest one here? I'll be 40 shortly. (There should be a "Advanced Maternal Age" smiley.) Our first child was born when I was 35, #2 came when I was 37. I always imagined myself having three kids (I'm one of three myself), but...I love being pregnant, I love birthing babies, and I love watching these new people grow in the world. I learn so much from them. If DH and I had started younger, I'm sure that I would want more and more kids. I'm the main wage-earner for our family, and negotiating more kids with my SAH-DH would be tricky, but not impossible.

But that would probably be a very bad decision -more about my short term impulses rather than what's best for everyone in the long run. I think that pregnancy and birth are such an appealing contrast, in ways, from the mundane, messy, and less glamorous work of parenting once the kid's here. Pregnancy and birth are all about hope and plans - stuff of the unknown, the future and imagination. Parenting small kids is about the NOW, immediate needs and living in the present. Oh, yeah, and the sacrifices that we make, with love, for our kids. Maybe I could more easily imagine having a fourth child in my early 40s if I weren't really tired having three very young kids now.

But, all that said, I am sad about saying no more kids. DH and I are discussing an IUD as birth control for a few years, before taking the big V commitment.
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#16 of 20 Old 07-17-2008, 12:49 AM
 
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I've had some of these thoughts, too. My husband and I know we don't want more than 2 children (although we both agree that were we 8-10 years younger we might go for another).

I didn't really enjoy the way I felt being pregnant (the hearburn, the hip pain, etc.), but overall I kind of enjoyed the state of being pregnant as odd as that sounds. I think it had a lot to do with the excitement and attention as someone else pointed out. I also really enjoyed my big pregnant belly and my maternity clothes (I know that sounds so silly, but it's true).

However, I honestly really don't want anymore babies. I love my children dearly, but I'm not a huge fan of the newborn and baby stage. I just can't see myself going through those stages a 3rd time.

Candace - Mama to Molly (02/06), Max (06/08) and Maggie (03/10)
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#17 of 20 Old 07-17-2008, 10:47 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kylahroo View Post
Maya, if you don't mind my asking, what are your dh's arguments for having only one child? I'm actually mostly curious about his arguments from the child's perspective, as I can assume the ones from his perspective are mostly financially related.
Actually, DH has two other children; one son whom he does not have custody of (and has no visitation whatsoever) and whom he misses terribly everyday, and one son of whom we have full custody as of last year. DH raised his second son all on his own and eventually, when DSS' mother came back into the picture, they established shared custody. DSS is now 11, and I've known him and helped raise him since he was 6.

I think the main reason DH doesn't want more kids is because he started having children quite young (the first was an accident and he constantly talks about how poorly he handled the situation with the child's mother, who is now deceased), and he felt that he "missed out" on certain parts of his life because of his choices. He says he doesn't want to be in his 50s and 60s raising a teenager.

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Dh and I have talked about only children quite a bit as we've watched the little girl next door grow up as an only child. She is so lonely all of the time, it's very sad. And she doesn't know how to play with our kids - she finds us all a bit overwhelming, I think! Obviously, this is just one family and one situation, but we honestly cannot find any pro to being an "only".
I have to agree with you since I'm an only child; I did benefit from lots of extra attention but then again, I found that my parents were quite a bit controlling of my life and had trouble letting go in my early adulthood. I was also very lonely, and had trouble making friends because I loved playing on my own. I'm still quite the loner!

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I also think having only one child is very hard on the parents as the child is likely to require more attention from mom/dad than if they had a sibling to share that attention. If our first had been an only, dh and I would be exhausted by now trying to keep her constantly entertained!! The fact that she has siblings to be with is what keeps us sane.
Again, I agree with you. In a way, when DSS is with us, he's an only child (his biomom had twin girls and his stepdad has a daughter). He's gotten used to the perks and benefits of our exclusive attention, and sometimes he expects it. Also, because DH raised DSS alone for over 2 years, it forged this extremely strong bond between them and I find that DSS is not able to entertain himself by himself. He constantly asks us to do things with him; it's a neediness I don't understand. I was always a self-sufficient kid and DSS' attitude sometime throws me. Thankfully though, he's lived with sibblings before and seeing as he's closer to adolescence now, he's looking forward to taking on the role of big brother. As for Alia, I hope she's able to socialize with children her age. I don't want her to grow up being as dependent on adult stimulation as her brother...
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#18 of 20 Old 07-17-2008, 11:32 AM
 
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That's right, Maya! I'm sorry, I totally forgot about your DSS. It all makes a lot more sense now.
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#19 of 20 Old 07-17-2008, 03:29 PM
 
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We always said that we would be done with two but now I have doubts. Maybe they are the normal doubts...but I can't seem to part with my maternity and baby clothes quite yet. I also can't imagine going through another challenging pregnancy or birth again. I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from. Partly I think it is because this pregnancy was very unexpected and it took me so long to fully embrace it. I feel like I missed out a little.

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#20 of 20 Old 07-18-2008, 01:23 PM
 
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We're done at 3. I still feel those pangs....I get teary eyed when I see preg women, I was sad when I left my last post partum appointment. etc etc...

Thing is...for me...I finally realized after some time, that I want to be pregnant again but I don't want anymore babies. I love being pregnant...the body changes..the excitement..the attention. Three is plenty for us. I finally figured it out, but it took time. One caveat...it helps that I am 38...if I were 28, the decision may have been more difficult.

Wow, this is me exactly - well, I'm 35 but everything else applies. I cried when I started to pack up my maternity clothes. I loved being pregnant and having babies. The best feeling in the world is a slimy newborn on my chest! That being said, the state of the world today is a major reason I don't want to have more babies. I'm somewhat worried for the ones I have already and suffer sometimes feelings of guilt over having as many as I have.

busy mama of three
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