bonding before birth? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 07-17-2008, 10:18 AM - Thread Starter
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I sure hope that I'm not the only one that feels this way...

Even though I'm due any day now, I still don't feel all that attached to the baby. This has been the case the entire pregnancy. I'm glad I did some of the hypno/imagery birth cd stuff because it helped me feel a little more attached - but it still isn't much and indifference could be a pretty good descriptor at this point.

I've heard some people say that not knowing the sex makes it a little harder to get attached, maybe thats it. Or a self protection thing that refuses to really acknowledge it as a person before I meat it. I know that if something happens before the baby is born, that would be devastating, but then my mind also wonders if these kinda detached feelings would make that a little easier to manage.

I don't have a mental picture of this little being... I still can't really picture it in my house anywhere... We still have no names, boy or girl, decided on. I don't know, it just feels very odd that I feel this way still, especially so close to meeting the baby. I asked dh about his feelings and he seems to feel the same way (not the I expected much else since he's not in contact with it all day long). But to him, until it's born, it's still an unknown variable thats hard to get attached to.

I do find the movements neat and will take time to just lay down and feel them. I'm always poking my belly asking "who are you?" and I'm sooo curious about its personality. I've been thinking it's a girl more and more and calling it "she/her" seems to help my mind form a real baby a little easier, but I don't want to over attach to that idea either and end up disappointed (a boy sounds good too and was what I thought I was having up till a few weeks ago).

Not sure what I'm posting, just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat. I'm sure that all that wonderful love stuff will be flowing when the baby arrives, but I feel guilty sometimes that I don't feel more attached yet.

Karen happily married mother of 3 great children (19, 6, 5), in my last semester for my Masters in Nutrition and started a six-month internship.
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#2 of 8 Old 07-17-2008, 11:39 AM
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i'm not nearly as attached as i was to my girls in utero, maybe it is a product of not knowing the gender. i don't think it's a name thing, because i didn't name either of my girls until they were born either.
i too am having a difficult time picturing this baby, or seeing it anywhere in my house...anywhere except my belly...
dh isn't attached at all yet, but he wasn't with our other one either, so that's nothing new. like you said, he doesn't spend all daywith it, it's pretty abstract for him until it comes out.
and on the plus side, my girls are attached enough for three parents. :

Jenny (27) partner to Michael (28) mama to Zoe (8) Selene (4) Garvin (2) and baby Gwendolyn (born 14 Jan 2011)
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#3 of 8 Old 07-17-2008, 12:26 PM
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Even though we do know the sex, and do have a name pretty much picked out, I still feel kind of like you do. I'm very "bonded" to the idea of having a baby, and I care very, very deeply about the health and well-being of this one inside me, but I couldn't say I'm "bonded" with her in some kind of spiritual, personal way. I don't know who she is! I don't know what her personality is like, what she looks like, how she'll act, etc., etc. All I know is that I can't wait to meet her when she gets here--I don't have any doubts that I'll bond strongly with her then.

About the most I could say about her so far is that she seems like an agreeable, healthy baby--she has never caused us any health worries, except maybe by being on the large side (but a strapping, chubby baby is ok with me!), she moves enough in general that I don't worry about her too often, but doesn't usually kick the crap out of me either--and she seems pretty amenable to me massaging her bits back in if they start to pop into odd places and cause pain. She's been firmly planted in a lovely birthing position for months now, for which I'm grateful. So, my feelings are all positive, but it seems like an awfully small amount of information to build a deep bond on, you know?

Mom to sweet DD 8/08, and adorable DS 10/20/10
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#4 of 8 Old 07-17-2008, 12:44 PM
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I'm with you momma, I don't see it as a bad thing though. The idea of having a baby seems very abstract even this far along in pregnancy, 41weeks. I thought I would have dreams and experiences where the baby's soul would come and get to know me, but I haven't had any. Maybe the soul doesn't really enter the body fully until the first breath of life, who knows right? I think it is OK to feel this way.

Julia, mama to Bumpa 2008, and The Mole 2011

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#5 of 8 Old 07-17-2008, 04:04 PM
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I felt this way with both pregnancies. We didn't find out the sex with #1 and did with #2. It wasn't that I didn't have any feelings for my babes, it just didn't manifest itself until they were on the outside with me. Makes me think I might be a good surrogate?

Linzie~~wife to Eli 10.1.06, mama to Summer 5.06 and John 7.08
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#6 of 8 Old 07-17-2008, 10:38 PM
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I felt incredibly connected to my first son (now a toddler) before he was born, during labor, and as a newborn. I felt him nearby, and then inside me, throughout pretty much the whole pregnancy.

I haven't had that connection wtih Rowan- he's 5 days old now, and I'm really just being to feel like he's not a complete stranger. I'm sure it will come
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#7 of 8 Old 07-17-2008, 10:53 PM
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I feel you! I never have before birth, either.

With #1 I bonded the second he was out. With #2? It took a good long while.

We know the sex, but it still seems surreal to me that we're having a girl. I still don't quite trust it. And I look at all the baby stuff in my room, and it's still so alien.

I honestly cannot feel it, that I will be having a baby any time in the next few weeks.
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#8 of 8 Old 07-18-2008, 08:46 AM
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I don't feel like I've really bonded with the baby yet either. I thought that I would have felt more of a connection at this point. I think a lot of it is because I'm scared to become a mom and worried if he'll be healthy. We haven't decided on a name yet (we want to wait until we see him) and I think that is part of it too. I'm hoping that when I see him I'll just fall in love with him!

Mama to DS 7/23/08.
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