I've never been able to talk to any other mothers about this, so I really need to get this off my chest. It gets into some tough emotional material, so be warned.
I hear alot of women, my mother included, discuss the births of their first (as well as subsequent) children as if they were this magical, spiritual, emotional expirience where time stopped and mountains moved and everything you imagine and see in movies. So, when none of the births of my children were so powerful in their impact on me, it really set me up for alot of guilt. I've had the hardest time bonding with my oldest child. I mean, I have bonded and you gotta know I love her more than life, but I don't feel that "I love you so much it hurts" thing .... like other people describe.
Now, w/o giving TMI or getting too philisophical, understand my relationship with my mother has always been rocky to say the least. We're doing better now than ever, but that's not saying much. Suffice it to say, our situation is unique, complicated and goes beyond the 'everyday arguments' mothers and daughters have. Suffice it to say I've made a career of putting walls up (like most people) over the course of my short 28 years. I'm afraid that these walls, which I've done pretty good about tearing down recently, are blocking me from emotionally connecting w/ my kids. Of course, I mostly base this on my lack of 'mountian moving' expirience at their births.
Now, you also have to consider that those births were in a hospital and I was drugged up. With my first child, I was so wasted on Demerol that I didn't even know what was going on most of the time. I don't remember much about the expirience. Could that have some effect?
Anyway, that's the scracthing of the surface. Does anyone else have any idea what I'm getting at here? Am I the only one that feels like this?