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#1 of 9 Old 12-19-2007, 11:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've never been able to talk to any other mothers about this, so I really need to get this off my chest. It gets into some tough emotional material, so be warned.

I hear alot of women, my mother included, discuss the births of their first (as well as subsequent) children as if they were this magical, spiritual, emotional expirience where time stopped and mountains moved and everything you imagine and see in movies. So, when none of the births of my children were so powerful in their impact on me, it really set me up for alot of guilt. I've had the hardest time bonding with my oldest child. I mean, I have bonded and you gotta know I love her more than life, but I don't feel that "I love you so much it hurts" thing .... like other people describe.

Now, w/o giving TMI or getting too philisophical, understand my relationship with my mother has always been rocky to say the least. We're doing better now than ever, but that's not saying much. Suffice it to say, our situation is unique, complicated and goes beyond the 'everyday arguments' mothers and daughters have. Suffice it to say I've made a career of putting walls up (like most people) over the course of my short 28 years. I'm afraid that these walls, which I've done pretty good about tearing down recently, are blocking me from emotionally connecting w/ my kids. Of course, I mostly base this on my lack of 'mountian moving' expirience at their births.

Now, you also have to consider that those births were in a hospital and I was drugged up. With my first child, I was so wasted on Demerol that I didn't even know what was going on most of the time. I don't remember much about the expirience. Could that have some effect?

Anyway, that's the scracthing of the surface. Does anyone else have any idea what I'm getting at here? Am I the only one that feels like this?
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#2 of 9 Old 12-19-2007, 01:13 PM
 
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I first want to offer . I'm not sure exactly what you mean. I did have a lot of guilt over my births but I did always feel connected with them since infants and I don't know what the difference is, why its different for some people but it is. My first was a horrible horrible birthing center to hospital emergency c/s. That I barely barely remember, very traumatic for me but I did feel that connection when I saw her. I had been pretty good at building walls just like you said everybody does. And I kinda get your feeling like these walls have extended at least somewhat toward your relationship with your kids. For me I can't say I've had those same feelings but I did end up getting to a point the last year maybe two that at somepoint I needed to take it easy. Not take everything to heart that people say to or about me. Start trusting humanity a little bit more (I'm Christian so this starts with trusting God for me anyways). The idea that maybe we really are a bit more alike than I originally thought. I have gotten into some serious fights with my mom, where I would cut her off for maybe a month or more at a time. And at some point I just realized it wasn't worth it, we are living separate lives and she doesn't agree with my thoughts on certain things, and I don't agree with hers, but thats ok. As far as the kids thing, I always feel like these children have been entrusted to me and it is a blessing and a privilege to give them the best I can, even though it can be VERY difficult at times. Ok that probably had nothing to do with what you were trying to get at, but I tried. And I hope you feel better soon.

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#3 of 9 Old 12-19-2007, 01:25 PM
 
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didn't want to read and not respond
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#4 of 9 Old 12-19-2007, 01:32 PM
 
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Not in yout DDC..but I couldn't not respond.

I know exactly how you feel...You are not alone. My birth turned out to be very traumatic. I think being drugged up or in trauma can contribute to thoe feeling or lack of feelings.

I also had really set myself up for the "love you more than life itself" thing. I was adopted, so I really had myself believing that the clouds would part and rays of sun would shine down and I would feel like I belonged to something for the first time in ny life. It didn't happen.

I have come to accept that for me at least, this is the way it is. I could not love my DD more than I do and I'm good with that. I have grieved her birth and that dream of the heavens opening up when she was born.

I don't think it's just the two of us in this boat!! You are not alone!

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#5 of 9 Old 12-19-2007, 01:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CajunQueen View Post
Now, you also have to consider that those births were in a hospital and I was drugged up. With my first child, I was so wasted on Demerol that I didn't even know what was going on most of the time. I don't remember much about the expirience. Could that have some effect?

I've read a lot of birth stories where women said that they were drugged up and couldn't connect to their babies. I wonder if you might find others that feel like this if you go to the birth stories section. Not sure.


Anyway, that's the scracthing of the surface. Does anyone else have any idea what I'm getting at here? Am I the only one that feels like this?
I know what you're talking about, but from a different angle. I also have had horrid relationships that caused me to put up walls. Once married, I realized pretty quick why I couldn't connect to dh. I had to be very intentional about busting them down - just because I wanted to make that connection to dh. It was hard and it took months. But I did it and I bet you can too. Maybe your dc will be your motivation, as dh was for me.
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#6 of 9 Old 12-19-2007, 04:16 PM
 
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Well, about the birth-- I don't think I had such high expectations, I was without any meds, and I was still a bit surprised at my lack of immediate attachment. But I was SOOO exhausted! I distinctly remember when dd was born, realizing I was supposed to feel a rush of exalted happiness and gushing crying over my lovely newborn, but I was thinking, oh enough people will be gushing over her, she'll get plenty of attention from everybody, I'll get to her later! she'll still be around, lol. and squeezing one half-hearted eye open to murmur something I thought I should say... now when I was really grateful to her was seconds later when she peed all over me because I was FREEZING from shock and it was good to feel that sudden warmth

Well, mama, I don't know if my silly story helps at all, but here's a for all you're going through and wrestling with.
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#7 of 9 Old 12-21-2007, 01:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much for your heartfelt responses! It's comforting to know you're not alone. I think that I had unrealistic expectations maybe and was disappointed when I didn't have the emotional outburst reaction that seemed expected. I think I need to just let go of my guilt over that and I'll be alright! It's much easier to do that knowing other mother's have had the same expirience. My own mother describes my birth as such a dramatic moment that I honestly think I felt I might be a "defective mother" because I DIDN'T have the same reaction. It also helps me relax about the birth of this new one!

Anyway, thanks for puttin up w/ me and my hormones!
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#8 of 9 Old 12-21-2007, 01:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CajunQueen View Post

Anyway, thanks for puttin up w/ me and my hormones!
You are definitely not alone in this! I vacillate back and forth between joyful and downright irritable! Also, I am sorry about your birth experience. I had a traumatic one with DS and I sometimes wonder if it has contributed to his high-needs personality.
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#9 of 9 Old 12-21-2007, 04:01 PM
 
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