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#1 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 11:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm just not getting him anymore. He used to call everyday to check on me and now he calls twice a week. On NY's day, I asked him what was to become of our relationship and he said that we should both continue to do what it is we want to do (i.e., date other people) and just raise the child. I told him that's messed up because no one exactly wants to date a woman pregnant with another man's child. Initially the deal was if things didn't work out between us we would just raise the child and that be that. Well, that was when we were 6 months dating, it's been a year, Ken! I give you a year of my life for us to see where things are going or go and you don't even want to commit?

I explained to him that I was not going to live in fear of him sleeping with other people and then sleeping with me and quite possibly bringing something back to me and this baby. Instead, I ended things and that was it. I just keep wondering and hoping that one day he comes and says, "Monique I'm sorry. Let's raise our child together and be a couple." SOMETHING! Instead, I get him calling me and trying to carry a conversation while he's playing on his computer. You don't care enough about me to give me your full attention?!

I'm so hurt on so many levels. All I keep thinking about is the memories I'm going to have of my first pregnancy (constant depression, loneliness, anger). How am I supposed to explain to my child how I felt while pregnant with them when I don't have any truly happy feelings in me? I keep asking myself if this pregnancy was even such a good idea and I feel so awful for that.

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#2 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 11:25 AM
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Just wanted to give you some s. I went through a similar situation when I was pg with DD.

I tell people now that I loved being pregnant but hated my life at the time. It seems to sum it up pretty well.

And you may be surprised about men wanting to date a pg woman. I certainly was.

Hang in there - I'll try to post more support for you later.
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#3 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 11:33 AM
 
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Big hugs Monique I was watching Look Who's Talking last night and the one line where she says "you have no idea how hard it is to love someone who looks so much like someone you hate." It just sucks that men can be this way. My SIL went through it, her man even got another girl pregnant while she was, but you know, things are wonderful with her & her daughter. No matter what he put her through, it was worth it to have her daughter. I know she felt alot of the things you do now, but it will all be okay. 4 years later he's getting his stuff together and trying to work on the relationship, it's never too late if someone's willing to try. I believe there's a plan for us and even though we don't always agree to it with the way things go, it makes us stronger and always works out in the end. I just know that everythig will be okay, and you will come out of this as a stronger woman and wonderful, protective mother. You hang in there mama!!!

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#4 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 11:44 AM
 
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:trudat

You'd be surprised to find out then men are more willing to date a pg woman/a single mom than you think. Especially when you only have one! I met my DH w/ three kids in tow! I NEVER would've though that could happen in a million years.

My BFF met and married her man while pg by another .....it CAN happen ....
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#5 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 11:53 AM
 
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#6 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 01:30 PM
 
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Hugs. I'm sorry. Don't worry about having a "perfect" pregnancy. It doesn't matter, let it go. The intensity of your bond with your child will overshadow the difficult pregnancy. I had a horrible year of pregnancy with my second and a horrible time in my life after he was born, literally the scariest most emotionally desperate time of my life, but our attachment was so strong through it all and he's the light of my life and things got much more stable in their own ways.

The most important thing is that you find support somewhere. Take good care of yourself, spend time with friends, join la leche league or holistic moms network or something. Find something consistent. Breakfast with friends once a week, family, something where you are being supported. He is not meeting your needs so don't keep asking him to. He won't be able to. Be strong and try to find other people who really love you and will be there for you. Sometimes men who are not fully committed really withdraw when they see how dependent pregnancy can make women feel. You have to find your own strength and support. Our thoughts are really with you.
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#7 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 01:36 PM
 
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That sounds like a tough situation. Nurture yourself and know that we are all wishing you the best. I agree that your bond with your child will overshadow the relationship challenges you are facing. My friend's partner left her shortly after her baby was born and it was tough but she is so loving motherhood.
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#8 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 01:42 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, Monique. I really do hear you on this. My girlfriend is currently out of the country for two weeks, taking a break to "figure out what she wants." As much as I'd like to think otherwise, I'm pretty sure that what she wants right now isn't a pregnant girlfriend, so I'm also preparing myself to be single and pregnant. It's hard- I know what you mean about feeling totally undateable. Though, my friends assure me that that's not the case, I can't really imagine ever starting another relationship.

As the PP said, I do think that building support networks amongst friends, family, new folks, whatever, is really important. I have a couple friends who are pregnant right now, and though they aren't the people to whom I'm closest, I'm trying to work on those relationships so that we can support each other in this process (and also have a play group set up in advance!).

And we're all here too, you know? MDC has been a safe space for me many times before, and I definitely wouldn't have managed what became a long, difficult and expensive ttc process without so many supportive mamas.

And you know what? When that baby gets here, you're not even going to REMEMBER how sad you're feeling right now. It's going to be a whole new kind of love, a whole new way of seeing the world. Don't worry about what you're feeling right now. It's all a process, and you have to feel every part of it. But where you are right now emotionally is in no way where you're going to be, you know?

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#9 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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#10 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 02:01 PM
 
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#11 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 02:08 PM
 
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I wonder if you know that I think about you a lot. Wonder what you'd think if you knew that for weeks I've been mad for you, and pouring out my heart about you to my dh. I wonder what you'd think if you realized I ponder you throughout the day - thinking about how unjust this is, and thinking about how strong you are. Wonder what you'd think if you knew I'm impressed by you, and that seeing you plug through gives me more courage to also keep plugging through. Bet you never even suspected any of that.
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Originally Posted by AKA_PI View Post

I explained to him that I was not going to live in fear of him sleeping with other people and then sleeping with me and quite possibly bringing something back to me and this baby. Instead, I ended things and that was it.
You go girl. Protecting your baby like that is awesome mothering.

Be thinking too what would really be best for Baby in the way of having a father - this father, no father, diff father? (I realize it's not very clear-cut, but better to start thinking now than in the 3rd tri.)

I do know of a single mother who had a married friend (man). This man committed to do something "fatherly" with her son every week. She could also bring her son to his house if he got in trouble at school or something and needed a "dad talk." The mom and this man's wife were good friends. (Just planting ideas in your head. There are resources out there you may not think of.)
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I'm so hurt on so many levels. All I keep thinking about is the memories I'm going to have of my first pregnancy (constant depression, loneliness, anger). How am I supposed to explain to my child how I felt while pregnant with them when I don't have any truly happy feelings in me? I keep asking myself if this pregnancy was even such a good idea and I feel so awful for that.
This is so me. I pray no one ever tells this baby how bad his mama regretted getting pregnant. My pain is physical instead - but I know how deep these emotions can get. You're not alone in this. Other mamas keep telling me how very worth it this will be. I can only hope they're right. Surely they must be right. Surely there will come a day when neither of us thinks twice about it again.
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#12 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 02:15 PM
 
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#13 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 04:01 PM
 
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My heart goes out to you!

As far as what goes on during the pregnancy, my dd who is now in that "tell me a story about" stage doesn't need anything more than- I loved it when I felt you move inside of me.

Will be praying for you.
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#14 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 04:24 PM
 
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#15 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 07:09 PM
 
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First:

Second: I agree with the posters who encourage you to get emotional support from people other than the baby's father, who has made it clear that he's unable to provide it to you. Trying to extract emotional support from someone who cannot or will not provide it will be an exercise in misery. Better to turn to your friends and family, to LLL and parenting groups, for people who will support you through this.

And again:

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#16 of 23 Old 01-11-2008, 07:19 PM
 
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Hi, Monique. I'm so sorry about all that you're going through. At the same time, I'm totally impressed by the wise decisions that you're making for your baby. I've prayed for you today...
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#17 of 23 Old 01-12-2008, 01:11 AM
 
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Monique, you are such a good mama already! So unselfish of you to think about baby's health instead of your physical needs. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you find the emotional support that you need and deserve.

hugs,
Kirsten
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#18 of 23 Old 01-12-2008, 02:02 AM
 
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Monique I am so sorry that you have to deal with his immaturity during what should rightly be the (first) best 9 months of your life... I think for your own health and that of your LO, you need to focus on yourself right now. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you love when every fiber of your being is resisting. It's so hard, but you owe it to yourself and your baby to be in the best place possible, and that means emotionally as well as physically.

I'm thinking of you, mama

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#19 of 23 Old 01-13-2008, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ladies, I'm reading this as he sits on my sofa watching tv. I want to truly thank you each and everyone of you for your kind words and support. This has truly meant alot to me. As I said before, I kept wondering if I was making the right decisions and choices, as difficult as they were, and I feel like I finally got it.

As I glance over at him lounging around, watching football without a care in the world, I know that I will be ok. Truly, I will be ok and I am just fine with this. I have great friends who call me every single day and check on us, my parents (we're speaking again) who are there and excited and you ladies here who help get me through my days at work and my nights at home. I sincerely want to thank you all. I wish I could see you all and give you a huge hug!

I'm not going to let any of his mess or mess in general get to me. Me and my baby will just ok. Little Kendal or Kenny the third will be just fine over the coming months.

Ironically, he called me last night and was surprised to hear how much of a good mood I was in. I think it scared him because he offered to drive 45 min to my fave carribean restaurant, pick up my fave dish, drive 45 minutes to my house at 10 at night! He stayed the night and it was great having him here, but even if he wasn't, I would have been fine. I'm smiling so hard right now because everything will be ok. I am making this week the week of positive. We should all do that.

Huge kisses and hugs to you all!

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#20 of 23 Old 01-13-2008, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by PrayinFor12 View Post
I wonder if you know that I think about you a lot. Wonder what you'd think if you knew that for weeks I've been mad for you, and pouring out my heart about you to my dh. I wonder what you'd think if you realized I ponder you throughout the day - thinking about how unjust this is, and thinking about how strong you are. Wonder what you'd think if you knew I'm impressed by you, and that seeing you plug through gives me more courage to also keep plugging through. Bet you never even suspected any of that.


You go girl. Protecting your baby like that is awesome mothering.

Be thinking too what would really be best for Baby in the way of having a father - this father, no father, diff father? (I realize it's not very clear-cut, but better to start thinking now than in the 3rd tri.)

I do know of a single mother who had a married friend (man). This man committed to do something "fatherly" with her son every week. She could also bring her son to his house if he got in trouble at school or something and needed a "dad talk." The mom and this man's wife were good friends. (Just planting ideas in your head. There are resources out there you may not think of.)


This is so me. I pray no one ever tells this baby how bad his mama regretted getting pregnant. My pain is physical instead - but I know how deep these emotions can get. You're not alone in this. Other mamas keep telling me how very worth it this will be. I can only hope they're right. Surely they must be right. Surely there will come a day when neither of us thinks twice about it again.

This was truly touching, praying. I really appreciate this post. This touched my heart in so many ways.

Book loverread.gif - Sewer sewmachine.gif - Movie lover lurk.gif - Mommy to a wonderful little boy (8/4/08) biggrinbounce.gif - Aspiring writer notes.gif - On a mission to lose 15 pounds - all-around cool chick hippie.gif

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#21 of 23 Old 01-13-2008, 08:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so sorry, Monique. I really do hear you on this. My girlfriend is currently out of the country for two weeks, taking a break to "figure out what she wants." As much as I'd like to think otherwise, I'm pretty sure that what she wants right now isn't a pregnant girlfriend, so I'm also preparing myself to be single and pregnant. It's hard- I know what you mean about feeling totally undateable. Though, my friends assure me that that's not the case, I can't really imagine ever starting another relationship.

As the PP said, I do think that building support networks amongst friends, family, new folks, whatever, is really important. I have a couple friends who are pregnant right now, and though they aren't the people to whom I'm closest, I'm trying to work on those relationships so that we can support each other in this process (and also have a play group set up in advance!).

And we're all here too, you know? MDC has been a safe space for me many times before, and I definitely wouldn't have managed what became a long, difficult and expensive ttc process without so many supportive mamas.

And you know what? When that baby gets here, you're not even going to REMEMBER how sad you're feeling right now. It's going to be a whole new kind of love, a whole new way of seeing the world. Don't worry about what you're feeling right now. It's all a process, and you have to feel every part of it. But where you are right now emotionally is in no way where you're going to be, you know?
Angela, you and I share a special bond and I love it. You and I, and everyone else on here will get through the rough times together. I am ever grateful for Google for leading me to MDC. Thank you Jesus!

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#22 of 23 Old 01-13-2008, 09:57 PM
 
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I'm so glad you're feeling more positive! It's funny, I have been too these past few days. I went to see "Juno" at the movies the other night, and though it's about a completely different situation, the way that all of these characters made sense of their lives and unexpected changes was really touching to me.

I also had a great conversation with one of my friends the other day, talking about this fear I have of never dating again. She said to me, totally incredulously, "Are you kidding? Pregnant women are hot! And women with kids are even hotter!" That made me feel better, and reminded me that becoming a single parent right now doesn't mean being a single parent forever. (And of course, lots of people choose to parent singly, and are really happy with that as well...)

And yes, we definitely have a special bond. I can't tell you how much more at home it has made me feel in our group that you have a similar situation. It's great to feel like we have enough diversity here to all be able to support and relate to each other's varied experiences.

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

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(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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#23 of 23 Old 01-14-2008, 01:38 AM
 
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This was truly touching, praying. I really appreciate this post. This touched my heart in so many ways.
Well, BOO-YAH! That's what I's goin' for! lol I'm secretly making this longer.
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