Really awful news - I'm out, and maybe worse. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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[crossposted to pregnancy and birth loss]

I woke up this morning to discover that I had bled a little - maybe a tablespoonfull of brownish blood. My midwife had me go to the hospital for an ultrasound. I was 13w5d.

On the ultrasound, there was nothing that even looked like a baby. Just some masses and some things that looked like cysts.

It might be a blighted ovum, but it seems more likely that it's something called gestational trophoblastic disease, where the fertilized egg is nonviable and it grows into a tumor instead of a fetus. The majority of cases are benign, but they can also be cancerous. And even if it's benign and fully removed, it can come back as cancer.

I'm going to need a D&C, and then they'll do pathology analyses to find out what, exactly, we're dealing with. I might not know for a week or two.

I can't even begin to say how horrifying and awful and strange this is. It's... there was never a baby. I had every reason to think that there was. I had a positive pregnancy test. I had the full range of first trimester symptoms. I saw the midwife just last week, and she said my uterus was sized perfectly for dates. But it was all a cruel joke.

I don't even know what to call this. I feel like I've lost my baby, but there never was a baby. I'm grieving, but there isn't anything that died. My whole pregnancy has been a fraud. I feel so awful. Everything has turned upside down. I thought I was safely out of the first trimester and doing beautifully. Now I may be a cancer patient - I don't even know.

I don't even know what to say or do. I am so lost. This doesn't even feel like my life.

Alexandra 4.11.05 and Colin 2.9.09. Click on my name to visit my homeschooling blog.
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#2 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:18 AM
 
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I am so sorry.
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#3 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:20 AM
 
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I am so sorry to hear this.

(((hugs)))

nk
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#4 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:23 AM
 
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I am so sorry, that's terrible for you and your family.

I'd like to point out one thing, if I could, both of the possibilities involve a fertilised egg. There was the beginnings of a life in there. It's right to grieve for this baby. It doesn't matter what or why or for how long, you were pregnant, don't deny yourself that.

I hope you have people to hug you.

When you're ready for a book, "Tear soup" is brilliant.

My thoughts are with you.

Veggie, babywearing, cloth diapering, lactivist, intactivist, 2x HBAC, non-vaccing nurse and doula, wife of my babies' sweet Dada, Momma of 3 with another coming mid summer.

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#5 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:24 AM
 
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Not in your DDC, but just had to offer you

You are OK even though this is tough, be strong.
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#6 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:25 AM
 
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I am so sorry. I will be praying for you.
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#7 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 02:03 AM
 
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Oh mama. and my prayers and thoughts are with you

 Mom of many minions . . . babyf.gif jumpers.gif     jumpers.gif     jumpers.gif
"And when our baby stirs and struggles to be born it compels humility: what we began is now its own." Margaret Mead 
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#8 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 02:11 AM
 
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Oh god, how terribly sad. Please know that my thoughts are with you, and that I'm sending you all of the healthy, healing energy I've got.

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

Building queer family since 2008!

(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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#9 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 02:37 AM
 
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So sorry about about your loss.

Hope you have to love and support you need at this time.
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#10 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 11:05 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss.

Book loverread.gif - Sewer sewmachine.gif - Movie lover lurk.gif - Mommy to a wonderful little boy (8/4/08) biggrinbounce.gif - Aspiring writer notes.gif - On a mission to lose 15 pounds - all-around cool chick hippie.gif

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#11 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 12:06 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss and for this terrifying turn of events.

Please let us know what happens. I will be thinking about you.

Decluttering SAHM of three. Going for 2011 items in 2011.
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#12 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 12:15 PM
 
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Oh Im so sorry!
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#13 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 12:19 PM
 
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When I had my m/c a few years ago, I went through something similar. I wasn't made aware of any kind of tumor or a threat of cancer, but I did have to grieve a baby that was never there in the first place. I cried for weeks b/c the confusion of being upset of 'nothing' was as traumatic as the m/c itself. I had to be given anestisia to be put to sleep while they did a D&C to remove what my body, after 12 weeks had not flushed out on its own.

I want you to know that its perfectly normal to grieve. You're grieving the plans you made and the love that began to grow for a child, even if the child never did. Its important that you allow yourself to feel and process that grief.

You're strong and you've got a strong support system around you I'm sure. You'll get through your grief and you'll come out the other side CANCER FREE as well. Don't allow their speculations to manifest as a second thought. *hug*
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#14 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 12:27 PM
 
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Oh no. I am so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers.

wife - mother - midwife

CIRCUMCISION

The more you know, the worse it gets.

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#15 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 12:41 PM
 
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I am so very sorry. Hoping everything turns out alright on the pathology side.

Lots of

Mama to a 5.5 yr old boy and a 2.5 yr old girl.  Expecting baby 3 (another girl!) late June
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#16 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:01 PM
 
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#17 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:02 PM
 
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May it be non-cancerous, may removing it be painless (physically at least, it would be wonderful if it were completely painless, but somehow I think that'd be very difficult right now), and may you soon heal emotionally.
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#18 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:03 PM
 
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Oh I am so so sorry. This is just heartbreaking. I know you are feeling so many emotions but please just breath, grieve and focus on the loss, which is totally real and not a fraud at all. You had a fertilized egg. It was unable to develop into a baby but your body did a great job trying to nurture it and gearing up to care for this potential life. Focus on the grieving, which you will need to go through as a mother. Let the other concerns come a day at a time. I'm hoping with all my heart that pathology will show everything totally benign but give yourself to be present just for the miscarriage right now and take those steps as they come, if they come, which we all pray they won't.
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#19 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:19 PM
 
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I am so sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that everything turns out ok for you. Please keep us updated on your tests.
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#20 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:46 PM
 
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I'm so sorry!
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#21 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 01:47 PM
 
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#22 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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I am so sorry. I am sure I would be grieving the loss of a baby regardless of what it turns out to be. I hope you are healthy and well.
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#23 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 05:13 PM
 
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So very sorry. Wishing you peace and health.
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#24 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 06:23 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Others have already said this, but I agree, you have every right to gieve! I hope that the surgery goes smoothly and that it is non-cancerous.

I'm Deborah, mama to Aidan, 11/02, Sean, 9/04 (my T21 SuperBoy), and Eleanor, 8/08.
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#25 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 06:44 PM
 
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I'm so sorry! :

SAHM to 3 boys ages 10, 7, and 3.

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#26 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 06:45 PM
 
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#27 of 32 Old 02-01-2008, 07:36 PM
 
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so sorry, healing vibes to you and your family.
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#28 of 32 Old 02-03-2008, 12:02 AM
 
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I have been thinking about you all day.

Decluttering SAHM of three. Going for 2011 items in 2011.
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#29 of 32 Old 02-03-2008, 12:12 AM
 
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Oh I am terribly sorry. I can't even begin to know how you feel. It is a loss no matter what!!!

I agree with another poster. It was a fertilized egg and your body did a great job trying to nurture it!

Please keep us posted.
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#30 of 32 Old 02-03-2008, 01:33 AM
 
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I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You must feel so sad and scared. You are in my thoughts. I am sending you healing vibes. Take cae of yourself.
Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of your baby. You were pregnant. You had all of the pregnancy hormones. You had all of the pregnancy emotions. You had all of the pregnancy hopes and expectations. Something went wrong in the baby's development early on, but that is no less of a loss.
Take care of yourself, mama.
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