I woke up this morning to discover that I had bled a little - maybe a tablespoonfull of brownish blood. My midwife had me go to the hospital for an ultrasound. I was 13w5d.
On the ultrasound, there was nothing that even looked like a baby. Just some masses and some things that looked like cysts.
It might be a blighted ovum, but it seems more likely that it's something called gestational trophoblastic disease, where the fertilized egg is nonviable and it grows into a tumor instead of a fetus. The majority of cases are benign, but they can also be cancerous. And even if it's benign and fully removed, it can come back as cancer.
I'm going to need a D&C, and then they'll do pathology analyses to find out what, exactly, we're dealing with. I might not know for a week or two.
I can't even begin to say how horrifying and awful and strange this is. It's... there was never a baby. I had every reason to think that there was. I had a positive pregnancy test. I had the full range of first trimester symptoms. I saw the midwife just last week, and she said my uterus was sized perfectly for dates. But it was all a cruel joke.
I don't even know what to call this. I feel like I've lost my baby, but there never was a baby. I'm grieving, but there isn't anything that died. My whole pregnancy has been a fraud. I feel so awful. Everything has turned upside down. I thought I was safely out of the first trimester and doing beautifully. Now I may be a cancer patient - I don't even know.
I don't even know what to say or do. I am so lost. This doesn't even feel like my life.
I'd like to point out one thing, if I could, both of the possibilities involve a fertilised egg. There was the beginnings of a life in there. It's right to grieve for this baby. It doesn't matter what or why or for how long, you were pregnant, don't deny yourself that.
I hope you have people to hug you.
When you're ready for a book, "Tear soup" is brilliant.
My thoughts are with you.
Veggie, babywearing, cloth diapering, lactivist, intactivist, 2x HBAC, non-vaccing nurse and doula, wife of my babies' sweet Dada, Momma of 3 with another coming mid summer.
"And when our baby stirs and struggles to be born it compels humility: what we began is now its own." Margaret Mead
A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!
Building queer family since 2008!
(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)
I want you to know that its perfectly normal to grieve. You're grieving the plans you made and the love that began to grow for a child, even if the child never did. Its important that you allow yourself to feel and process that grief.
You're strong and you've got a strong support system around you I'm sure. You'll get through your grief and you'll come out the other side CANCER FREE as well. Don't allow their speculations to manifest as a second thought. *hug*
Mama to a 5.5 yr old boy and a 2.5 yr old girl. Expecting baby 3 (another girl!) late June
May it be non-cancerous, may removing it be painless (physically at least, it would be wonderful if it were completely painless, but somehow I think that'd be very difficult right now), and may you soon heal emotionally.
I agree with another poster. It was a fertilized egg and your body did a great job trying to nurture it!
Please keep us posted.
Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of your baby. You were pregnant. You had all of the pregnancy hormones. You had all of the pregnancy emotions. You had all of the pregnancy hopes and expectations. Something went wrong in the baby's development early on, but that is no less of a loss.
Take care of yourself, mama.
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