Should I find out the sex? - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-20-2008, 12:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Argggh...I just don't know what to do!! I have two boys already, this is for sure going to be our last baby. I did not know the gender the first go around, and I did know the gender with our second.

DH says it's totally up to me - he could care less if we find out early or wait until the end. He also has no preference over boy or girl, where this pregnancy I am sorta hoping for a girl.

What to do?? Any advice appreciated
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Old 02-20-2008, 12:21 AM
 
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I think I would always go for it. I need to know for name purposes - so I could focus. I also would rather have all my boy clothes and accesories ready or girl. I like some neutral things but if people want to give and buy me things it may not be neutral. Also, I feel that once I found out my baby was a girl I got to know her as a girl and got used to it.

That being said, I know some people say it is motivational for getting through labor to see if it is a boy or a girl. But, just finding out what they look like is good enough motivation for me.
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Old 02-20-2008, 01:23 AM
 
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Well, it's definitely a personal choice but I think I would go for it, especially if you have a slight gender preference. That way, if it is another boy you can experience any disappointment (not saying you will be disappointed but if there is any chance you might be, I just think it might be better to deal with it asap) before the birth and then just fall in love at the actual birth.

A friend of mine was in the delivery room with a mutual friend who really wanted a boy. She said that, when they delivered a girl, she could feel the disappointment in the room. That story always stayed with me and I felt like I would never want any sort of disappointment, however minor and fleeting it may be, to taint the birth experience. Just my 2 cents.

Plus, I love to plan and bond and choose the name.
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Old 02-20-2008, 01:46 AM
 
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I think we'll probably find out at our Level II ultrasound. I have to talk it over with DH a little more. In theory I like the element of surprise but... in reality, I'd like to be able to be a little more prepared. I think the PPs have made some great points, too.

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Old 02-20-2008, 11:08 AM
 
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I would just wait until later in the pregnancy to find out if you're really conflicted. I know that I am but at the same time, I'm dying to know who this little one is so that I can start calling him or her by name.

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Old 02-20-2008, 11:55 AM
 
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Iwould wait until the baby is born. If there is a chance you would be kinda dissapointed if it was another boy, that dissapointment would melt away much easier if you were holding your new baby boy when you found out.

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Old 02-20-2008, 12:32 PM
 
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I think, if you're afraid you might be somewhat disappointed re: gender, it might be nice to be able to work through the disappointment privately, before the actual birth. But that's just one way of doing it. It might be easier, as Pyrodjm says, to get over the disappointment while holding the baby. You know what is more likely to work for you!

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Old 02-20-2008, 12:36 PM
 
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I wouldn't.... the surprise is so much more fun

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Old 02-20-2008, 12:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by peacelovingmama View Post
A friend of mine was in the delivery room with a mutual friend who really wanted a boy. She said that, when they delivered a girl, she could feel the disappointment in the room. That story always stayed with me and I felt like I would never want any sort of disappointment, however minor and fleeting it may be, to taint the birth experience.
Hmmm... we're undecided so no advice for you, but this post really has me thinking!!!

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Old 02-20-2008, 03:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by peacelovingmama View Post

A friend of mine was in the delivery room with a mutual friend who really wanted a boy. She said that, when they delivered a girl, she could feel the disappointment in the room. That story always stayed with me and I felt like I would never want any sort of disappointment, however minor and fleeting it may be, to taint the birth experience. Just my 2 cents.
I had the opposite reaction. Last pregnancy I did have a preference for another boy, because growing up my brothers were close in age, and the best of friends (still are). I imagined two little boys sharing a room, rough housing together, and sticking up for each other. Besides, I had a boy and knew I liked them!

We decided to wait to find out, like we did with our first. Our baby was born, I caught and held our little one next to me. I was totally in love with that BABY and had not a clue about the gender. After a few minutes someone asked what we'd had. What the baby was, was not the first thing on my mind, actually. Our little daughter was perfect and by the time I found out what she was, I was already very smitten.

So it worked out well for us!
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Old 02-20-2008, 06:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I remain quite conflicted. In my moments of true honesty, I know that I do want a girl...I have two wonderful sons but this time I would just love to have a girl. It may be hard for me to accept that I may never have an opportunity to parent both genders. Whether that is silly or whatever, I know that it is really how I am feeling. I would be thrilled with another boy, especially I would be happy for my two other sons that they would have another brother and playmate, and I would be happy for my husband to have another son. But there *are* distinct differences between girls and boys, and it would be so lovely to parent a child of the same gender as me. KWIM?

Still not decided...I am thinking of having the tech write it on a piece of paper in an envelope so that I could open it at a later date if I want to.

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies! I am enjoying them and appreciate the advice!
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Old 02-21-2008, 01:04 AM
 
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Don't find out! It's so fun not knowing. There is nothing more exciting than seeing your baby for the first time and finding out if it's a boy or girl. It is such a thrill.

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Old 02-21-2008, 01:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Pyrodjm View Post
Iwould wait until the baby is born. If there is a chance you would be kinda dissapointed if it was another boy, that dissapointment would melt away much easier if you were holding your new baby boy when you found out.
I agree with this.
And also - if you do get a girl, but only find out at the delivery, I am sure that you will be showered with tons on baby girl clothes. Everyone loves buying cute little girl outfits!
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Old 02-22-2008, 02:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tulips117 View Post
I remain quite conflicted. In my moments of true honesty, I know that I do want a girl...I have two wonderful sons but this time I would just love to have a girl. It may be hard for me to accept that I may never have an opportunity to parent both genders. Whether that is silly or whatever, I know that it is really how I am feeling. I would be thrilled with another boy, especially I would be happy for my two other sons that they would have another brother and playmate, and I would be happy for my husband to have another son. But there *are* distinct differences between girls and boys, and it would be so lovely to parent a child of the same gender as me. KWIM?

Still not decided...I am thinking of having the tech write it on a piece of paper in an envelope so that I could open it at a later date if I want to.
I was convinced that ds was a girl. At our 20 week ultrasound we found out he was a boy and it took me a few minutes just to adjust the picture I had in my mind. I wouldn't say it was disappointment but definately an adjustment. So when he was born I just enjoyed all of his wonderful baby-ness!
I have no feelings one way or another this time around and I obviously don't have a great instint but dh is kind of hoping for a girl. We will find out at our u/s in April. But to put a fun twist on it we will have the tech set something up so we can find out with all our immediate family. I got two onesies one for a boy and one for a girl and I have the tech put the right one in a gift bag and the other in a shopping bag.

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Old 02-22-2008, 03:12 PM
 
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But to put a fun twist on it we will have the tech set something up so we can find out with all our immediate family. I got two onesies one for a boy and one for a girl and I have the tech put the right one in a gift bag and the other in a shopping bag.
That's really cute! What a fun idea.

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Old 02-22-2008, 03:42 PM
 
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I have two boys as well, and am hoping to find out about this baby's gender at our sono. Mainly, because we were certain that we'd only have 2 kids, so I sold or gave away almost every baby item we had. Then, obviously, we changed our mind a year ago. I'd like to know early so I can get gender specific stuff since it's hard to shop for GN things.

Good luck with your decision! I had one pg were we knew in advance, the second one we kept a surprise for delivery. It's exciting either way!

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Old 02-22-2008, 11:20 PM
 
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We're in the same boat as you! Though this one wasn't exactly planned. I think I would enjoy having a girl as well, but I'll be happy with a boy. I plan to find out in 5 weeks!! I have to know so I can say "he" or "she" and start thinking seriously about names and buy some girl stuff if I need to!
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Old 02-23-2008, 12:45 PM
 
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That's really cute! What a fun idea.
Thanks! I actually only thought of it because I saw the onesies. They say 50% mommy +50% daddy = 100% cute. I couldn't resist.
I like the idea of having our familiy with us this time. Dh and I just called our parents after the ultrasound last time. But I am all about any reason to get the families together so... should be fun.

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Old 02-25-2008, 07:18 PM
 
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Go for it! I am so fond of the mamas that wait because I bet that is a great suprise after all the labor.. but I have to know already before I go nuts! And to start buying stuff
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Old 02-26-2008, 05:31 PM
 
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We are still trying to decide also if we are going to find out. My hubby REALLY wants to know and he is very open about the fact that he would like a boy this time (I know he will be happy either way but since we already have a girl he wants to try out the other gender.) I loved not knowing last time, it was cool finding out after labor. I bet I will cave and find out since he has been soooo great about the fact that I really want a HB, so open and accepting after he met the MW. So it might be my gift to him.

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Old 02-26-2008, 05:54 PM
 
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It's funny, I am sooo committed to not placing traditionally gendered expectations on my child, and yet, I can't wait to find out the sex at my ultrasound next week!

For me, the beginning of my pregnancy was somewhat emotionally tumultuous, and, although it was a very planned pregnancy, it still took me awhile to get excited about the process. Finding out the baby's sex feels like another way for me to bond with it, and to understand more about the person I'll be sharing the rest of my life with. Also, I think I want some time to really think through what it means for me to raise a boy, or a raise a girl, and how to break down and counteract some of my own gender preconceptions. Obviously you could make the argument that I could do that just as well without knowing the kids anatomy, but what can I say? I want to know...

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Old 02-27-2008, 04:33 PM
 
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It's funny, I am sooo committed to not placing traditionally gendered expectations on my child, and yet, I can't wait to find out the sex at my ultrasound next week!

For me, the beginning of my pregnancy was somewhat emotionally tumultuous, and, although it was a very planned pregnancy, it still took me awhile to get excited about the process. Finding out the baby's sex feels like another way for me to bond with it, and to understand more about the person I'll be sharing the rest of my life with. Also, I think I want some time to really think through what it means for me to raise a boy, or a raise a girl, and how to break down and counteract some of my own gender preconceptions. Obviously you could make the argument that I could do that just as well without knowing the kids anatomy, but what can I say? I want to know...

Me, too. What you said.

Re tumult and its relation to wanting to know: last pg, with my dd, I ended up going for amniocentesis, nerve-wracking. So when they asked if I wanted to know the sex along with the other results, I was like-- hell yeah! I want to get some extra (harmless) info from this nerve-wracking process!

Re gendered expectations: Oh man. (LOL) Having gone through almost 2 yrs now with my dd, I get so : about the gender expectations/marketing placed on her from day 1. It's worse than you think out there. She's not even 2 and I just had to find a WAHM to make soft soled shoes for her because the major brands out there all have either monster trucks on brown or princesses on pale pink as the available selection. I was actually YELLED at in a baby store by an elderly man for putting my then-3 month old daughter in pale blue. He said how was he supposed to be able to tell she was a girl? WHAT? Um, who cares mister? He definitely thought I was failing not just dd, but in my social obligation, my social graces. SIGH.

But the more interesting thing is: these examples make it so so easy to just feel smug that you are not like THAT. No, I'm not like THAT. But it is therefore easy to overlook (and convenient, ahem) my own gendered expectations. I want to know, I think it will make some kind of big difference, I have my own preference. WHy? SO many interesting things to think about, there. Like many people who resist some parts of gender-normalizing, I think there are places/aspects where I am happy to defy and surprise societal expectations (for myself, for my dd, for my partner) but other aspects where I am way way more comfortable with gender-'appropriate' conformity. Which makes the whole business complex and fascinating. Easy peasy to say I think it's just absurd that toddler girls jeans are cut like Britney's and princess movies are inculcating gender subordination and avoid these. Still easy to say I want my boy to be a ballerina and girl to be tough. (yeah, we have our own gender-expectations, lol) But that's just the tip of the iceburg, eh?

Um, I really do have a lot of work to do right at this moment that doesn't involve writing a novella on MDC. LOL. Back to it.

to all.


PS So, I really do want to find out. Don't know if I will get the opportunity-- they don't normally tell you at ultrasound here. Not that I won't try to wheedle it out of them.
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