So Sick of the Comments Regarding My Plan to Have an Unmedicated Birth... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been sending out e-mail updates to friends and family periodically about my pregnancy. I think I've sent out four so far. This last one I sent out described that we were taking Bradley classes and we were planning a peaceful, intervention-free, unmedicated birth. Just this morning, I've had two comments back from people who cannot believe I want an unmedicated birth. One of these people has never given birth (but is TTC). She said I would change my mind once I got to the delivery room.

It is so hard to hold back! I just responded that I want to be present at my baby's birth and I don't want to give birth to a drugged-out baby. Then everyone comes back that I will be begging for drugs and the drugs don't harm or affect the baby, blah, blah, blah. I feel like my mother and sister are both waiting for me to fail so they can say I TOLD YA SO!

I am just so frustrated right now. We've only been to one Bradley class so far. The next one is this Thrusday. I can;t wait to be around people who think more like me. Thanks for letting me vent.
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#2 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 11:19 AM
 
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Lurking from July...as I understand. We got this with our first. Now when they offer these stories or comments with this one, I use a line taught by hypnobirthing "Please, only positive birth experiences and comments, my baby is listening". When I break out that, it shuts them up. Just try to ignore it if you can, it really is not called for and is just their way of justifying their decisions!

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#3 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 11:27 AM
 
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What I do when people criticize me for not wanting drugs, or not wanting to take the easy way out and just go for the repeat C-section...I remind them that parenting is never about taking the easy way out and that this is just the first of many things I will do for this baby that might not be easy, but is in her best interest. Pretty much shuts them up...lol.
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#4 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 12:30 PM
 
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I feel you! I had the same crap when I was with my 1st. Bradley helps so much. I found those annoying people to be the greatest encouragement because I could not prove them right, I had to prove myself that I knew me better than anyone else and that if my mom, grandma and greatgrandma could do it without drugs or intervention, than I damn well could too. I also reminded some that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!!!

You can do it!!! We all know you can!!! We are women and our bodies have been given the duty of childbirth because we are designed to be able to sustain life and bear it. We have the capacity as long as we do not fear it.

People still think I'm crazy when I say that I would never describe childbirth as painful. I agree with you wholeheartedly!
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#5 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 12:37 PM
 
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I just tell people that I am more afraid of the drugs than I am of the pain.

I don't think it has to do with people justifying their decisions, I think people kind of feel belittled when someone boasts about planning an unmedicated birth, and you get responses like this. I don't know why people feel this way. I generally leave the whole subject out of conversation, it's not really relevant anyway.

I guess I have a privileged point of view, though. My mom would have been surprised if I wanted pain medication, she never really considered it an option. When I told my MIL about home birth she said, "Finally! Someone who wants to give birth!" I'm pretty lucky that the people closest to me understand where I'm coming from.

Anyway, I offer my sympathy. I get the same kind of comments about home birth. Some times people just don't understand.

Don't hold back your comments... don't take no crap from no one!! You have a right to do what you feel is best without these people's negative comments floating around in your head.

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#6 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 12:57 PM
 
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Good for you for making the choice to approach your birth with knowledge and awareness! I am sorry that others are trying to scare you into something you don't want. It's hard to be around unsupportive peopel when you need them to believe in you.

With my first, I had no intention of a natural childbirth. I knew I want to have him vaginally and that I didn't want any of the narcotic options, pitocin or an induction. But I didn't think I'd be able to tolerate the pain and would perfer an epidural. I got my wishes and only had an epi and ended up with complications delivering the placenta that made the epi extremely neccessary.

With my second, he was born in a small hospital that didn't offer epi's. His labor was rapid, only 1 1/2 hrs long. I was not mentally ready for a natural chilbirth but I did it and was amazed that I did.

This time, I will deliver in a different hospital again, where all the drugs are available. I am determined to ignore the options and have a drug-free delivery. My husband doesn't understand why I don't want an epi, neither do the others in my family. I'm just zoning them out and focusing on the end result! I told my MIL just this morning, "it's not like you are in labor forever. Eventually the pain ends and the baby arrives!"

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#7 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 01:56 PM
 
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I tell people that once you actually educate yourself about what those drugs can do to you and your baby no matter how much pain you may be in you will never willingly accept anything! The side effects are just awful!

They usually shut up since they know they know NOTHING more about the drugs than they take the pain away (usually!!

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#8 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 02:36 PM
 
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I remember the same comments from people when I was pregnant with my son, it was so frustrating. We also did a Bradley series and I was deeply committed to avoiding drugs. Unfortunately I had a exceedingly difficult labor (47 hours, two full nights of HARD labor w/o any sleep) and I finally opted for an epidural. For me it was totally the right decision because I was able to sleep for a little while and finally push my baby out. If I had not gone with the epidural I suspect I would have ended up with a c-section because I would not have had the energy to push him out because of my sheer exhaustion. It was such a hard decision for me to make but I'm so glad that I was flexible about it in the end. I am really thankful for the birth that I ended up with despite the interventions that I didn't want.

This time I'm back and forth about pain medication. I am leaning toward trying for unmedicated birth but am also OK if I change my mind again and go for an epidural. To me that is honestly the best way that I can be fully present at the birth.

I hope that you succeed with your natural birth, I have no doubt that is a beautiful and powerful way to have a baby and much preferable to medicated birth. But also remember that it is ok to change plans too, it does not make you a failure. Hope that makes sense... Wishing you good luck.
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#9 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 02:51 PM
 
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"Awwww, sweetie! I'm so sorry you're scared of birth, but that really isn't my problem, and I don't need your negative energy right now, so let's talk about something else. Read any good books lately?"
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#10 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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Don't let people get to you mama You'll have the birth that you want and that's all that matters. People are less than supportive about my HBA2C, but I don't intend on having them present and I certainly don't care to hear their opinions - too much negativity even if it's rooted in genuine concern!

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#11 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 03:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
"Awwww, sweetie! I'm so sorry you're scared of birth, but that really isn't my problem, and I don't need your negative energy right now, so let's talk about something else. Read any good books lately?"


Since when is it OK to condescend someone because of their fears or because they think differently than you do!?

Why can't we all just get over ourselves and be respectful of other people's opinions already?

That comment up there would be a HUGE step backwards for everyone.

How about this instead:
"I've done my research, and a lot of soul searching on this. This is the decision that I've made and I hope that you can understand that it is important to me. I'd really like your support, because I may need it!"

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#12 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 03:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by meredyth0315 View Post
Don't let people get to you mama You'll have the birth that you want and that's all that matters. People are less than supportive about my HBA2C, but I don't intend on having them present and I certainly don't care to hear their opinions - too much negativity even if it's rooted in genuine concern!
Support for you, right here!

I love to hear about HBAC/VBAC stories, they give me so much hope. I'm terrified of caesareans and every time I hear about someone going for HBAC/VBAC I become less and less afraid.

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#13 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 04:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by madiesmommy View Post
I use a line taught by hypnobirthing "Please, only positive birth experiences and comments, my baby is listening".
I love this one! It is such a peaceful, respectful, and baby-centered comeback!
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#14 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 10:15 PM
 
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The comments are worse when you're planning an unassisted homebirth. I mostly just ignore them. Sometimes I refute the stuff they say, and other times I actually laugh at their ignorance.
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#15 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 10:23 PM
 
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Hi Diamond,

Try not to let it bother you to much. People are just know-it-alls. I had my first at the hospital in a drug-free natural delivery. It was a great birth. When I got pregnant with my daughter I mentioned I was planning a homebirth. My friend, who had never even been pregnant, kept insisting there was no way I'd make it through my homebirth without screaming for an epidural, even though I explained to her I'd had a drug free birth with my son

So, just surround yourself with us here. We'll support ya .

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#16 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 11:04 PM
 
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Since when is it OK to condescend someone because of their fears or because they think differently than you do!?
When the person won't shut the up about "Ohh, you'll see, you don't know what you're talking about, OMG I can't believe you think you'll go without drugs, my cousin was all about natural birth too and she was in soooo much pain and begged for an epidural and my sister's hairdresser's grand niece had the same thing happen and she says she's just going to ask for the epidural when she goes into the hospital..."

If a person is going to be completely dismissive of my feelings and not listen to polite requests to stop belittling me, the gloves come off.

That said, try a different tone in reading my post. I don't do sarcasm.
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#17 of 35 Old 05-20-2008, 11:58 PM
 
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Don't mind them no matter what!!! My mother thinks I am crazy too, and my neighbor, and my friends! When I tell them, heck, my husband's grandmother made it through 2 pregnancies with no pain medication during labor. She even went into 5 DAYS OF LABOR with no medication nor ended up in c-section. The hospital kept sending her back and forth because as soon as she was inside the hospital, her contractions would stop. Back then, IT WASN'T AN OPTION! If she did it, HECK I can do it too!!! We are supposed to bare with the pain. The pain is good for baby and mom. Those hormones that are released through labor are necessary for labor and that's what nature intended!

Here is a good article about it:
http://www.sarahjbuckley.com/article...r-hormones.htm
Check these paragraphs:

"Many women have had the experience of their labour stopping when they entered the unfamiliar surroundings of a hospital, and some women can be as sensitive as a cat to the presence of an observer. Giving birth away from our natural environment can cause the sorts of difficulties for humans that captive animals experience when giving birth in a zoo."

"Oxytocin is the hormone that causes the uterus to contract during labour. Levels of oxytocin gradually increase throughout labour, and are highest around the time of birth, when it contributes to the euphoria and receptiveness to her baby that a mother usually feels after an unmedicated birth. This peak, which is triggered by sensations of stretching of the birth canal as the baby is born, does not occur when an epidural is in place. Administration of an epidural has been found to interfere with bonding between ewes and their newborn lambs."

Latina Mama of 3 and Wife of a great man since 1997
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#18 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 01:08 AM
 
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That said, try a different tone in reading my post. I don't do sarcasm.
Okies. It sounded really sarcastic to me, mostly because I probably would have said it sarcastically.

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#19 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 03:05 AM
 
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I saw my midwife today and discussed epidurals with her. She told me some of her experiences from when she worked in the hospital that would make ANYONE never ever want an epidural ever again.

1) A woman requested her epidural and the anesthesiologist came soon afterwards. She asked him about the risks and benefits of the procedure, he did not mention anything other than the very small risk of having a residual headache. While he was inserting the epi, they made small talk and she found that his wife had recently given birth. When she asked if his wife had an epidural the anesthesiologist said, "I would never let my wife have an epidural, it's much too dangerous and unnecessary."



2) A woman who had 4 previous natural births decided to go with an epi for her 5th, to see what all the fuss was about. She did not walk out of the hospital. She was paralyzed from the waist down for a year because of incorrect placement of the epidural.

3) A woman who consented to a caesarean because of "failure to progress" was being prepped for the surgery. During the placement of the epidural and in the middle of being shuffled around getting ready for surgery, the woman was not being actively monitored (they took of the belts for the prep, and no one was accustomed to monitoring with a doppler/fetoscope). Her blood pressure plummeted in reaction to the epi, and nobody knew the baby was not receiving enough blood. The baby had a stroke.


I know these stories are just anecdotal, and it doesn't mean that choosing an epidural makes you crazy.. but I think it's enough to make you question the routine use of it (and it is more than routine, something like 80% of births happen with epidurals in the U.S.).

I just thought I'd share, as these stories are great ammunition against the "You're crazy and don't know what you're talking about" types.

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#20 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 03:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by diamond lil View Post
I feel like my mother and sister are both waiting for me to fail so they can say I TOLD YA SO!
Well, then you will just have to be 100% sucessful so you can rub it in their faces that you made it through just fine and that you're WAY stronger than they are.

That's what i'm going to do anyway. I can hardly wait to rub it in all these other peoples faces that I did what they didn't even try to do! I hate people telling me I CAN'T do something. It pisses me off! :

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I had to prove myself that I knew me better than anyone else and that if my mom, grandma and greatgrandma could do it without drugs or intervention, than I damn well could too.
Amen to that!!

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#21 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 09:45 AM
 
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Okies. It sounded really sarcastic to me, mostly because I probably would have said it sarcastically.
Put in more and when you read it, and think cheerful babbling that's too fast for the other person to get a word in edgewise.

more like:
"Awwww, sweetie! I'm so sorry you're scared of birth , butthatreallyisn'tmyproblem, andIdon'tneedyournegativeenergyrightnow, solet's talkaboutsomethingelse, 'kay? Read any good books lately?"

Ooops forgot to put the "'kay?" in there before.

Also, if it's another pregnant woman who's having fears, I'd do more of a "you seem very frightened of birth, want to talk about it?"
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#22 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 10:46 AM
 
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I just tell people that I am more afraid of the drugs than I am of the pain.
I love that, I'm definitely gonna have to steal it.

I'm more sick of the looks I get when I tell people I'd like to try it naturally (this is my first). Like I'm crazy, or 'aw, isn't that sweet, you'll change your mind'. I'm used to comments, they started when I stopped eating meat. Most of the time I don't even bother talking about it, it's not worth the frustration.

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#23 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 10:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the support. The thing is, I would never belittle someone who chose an epidural, so I get irked when some people in my life think it's OK to criticize my decision. Everybody's birth is different.
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#24 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 11:15 AM
 
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I actually *am* more scared of the drugs than the pain. In my first delivery I needed a c-section (long long long story) and so after much (think days) of natural labor I got a spinal in preparation for the surgery.

It numbed me above my waist (its not supposed to) and I started telling the staff that I was having difficulty breathing. They said, "it just feels like that but as long as you can move your fingers, you actually are breathing." We'll after another minute or two, I couldn't move my fingers, I tried to scream but was suffocating from no oxygen, then I passed out. When I woke up many hours later, I thought I had died, and was surprised to wake up (that's how it felt to me, taking a last breath, not being able to take another). It turns out they had to immediately put a tube down my throat and put me on a ventilator and then put me under general anesthesia so I wouldn't wake up with a tube down my throat and freak out.

Long and short, baby was fine, 9 apgars, I met him at 9 hours old after they had bathed him and given him a bottle . I however, had nightmares for over a year. Natural labor was intense but great, moving, transformative. A spinal turned out to be terrifying. I would never voluntarily have one.

So when people say I'm more afraid of the drugs than the labor, that is totally the truth for me. Totally.
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#25 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 11:20 AM
 
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So when people say I'm more afraid of the drugs than the labor, that is totally the truth for me. Totally.


Thanks to stories like yours I am too. I'd much rather have "it hurt so bad I thought I was going to die!" than "the drugs nearly killed me". I think a choice between possible death and possible pain is pretty easy, but some people like gambling more than I do.
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#26 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 11:34 AM
 
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Not in the DDC (nor am I currently pregnant) but I got a lot of those comments when I was pregnant too (including from ex-dp). I feel that they made me stronger in my resolve. I stopped at some point telling people I was "planning" on a drug free birth. I started saying, "I will have a drug free birth." It served as an affirmation. When I went in to labor, in my mind, drugs were not an option. I never once asked or even considered it. So, let the comments serve as an opportunity for you to affirm your position to yourself, regardless of what others think or say.
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#27 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 11:47 AM
 
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with my first i was soo gun hoe about going natural and i did a good job i made it to 8cm before my midwife yes my midwife order the epi without my permission then told my husband that she needs this to help her relax and this is good for her and soo i had my husband midwife and nurses all telling me the baby needs this epi ur body is stressing u need to relax

not knowing any better thinking my baby was in trouble i got it worse mistake ever OMG the pain from the epi was enough to kill u i mean come on that darn needle hurt and i have noo problem with needles at all but i started crying begging for them to hurry up and end it i was in soo much pain from the epi never ever again

ohh yeah and i ended up with a c section thank u bad midwife and epi for that one

this baby hell yes iam going natural i got my doula and i also got everything ready for a vbac iam totally prepared kinda for my vbac first up is ur body is meant to labor without drugs and if u keep ur body moving during labor u will do fine at least that is my goal lol

Amanda mom to Mahmoud 7-20-06, Kareem 8-23-08, and Baby #3 due May 19th 2011
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#28 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 12:36 PM
 
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So when people say I'm more afraid of the drugs than the labor, that is totally the truth for me. Totally.


Unfortunately, you never hear about stories like this when you're in the hospital and everyone's shoving the pain relief in your face.

I really am afraid of the drugs too, although for different reasons. But they are just so embedded in our culture. If something is "wrong" it must be "fixed." Nobody suffers through a headache anymore, nobody sweats out a cold anymore. Even naturalists take herbs and homeopathic medicine for everything. Y'know...

Anyway, please show me the crazy person who decided that it's totally cool to put catheters in everyone's spine so that they don't feel the pain that is necessary for them to give birth? WHY is this considered normal and OK???

That's just my perspective. Thanks for listening.

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#29 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 03:24 PM
 
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I don't know why people are such naysayers. I think they feel they're being judged for their choices (whether it's getting an epidural, sceduling a c-section, etc.).
When I was pregnant the first time, people were always telling me how awful x, y, z was going to be, and that I'd change my mind...and you know, I didn't change my mind. I had the unmedicated birth I wanted. I went home 3 hours after delivery, and went on to BF my babe for almost 2 years, and raised her vegetarian, vax-free, and in cloth dipes til she potty trained, etc, etc.
It sounds like you're doing what you need to do to prepare for the birth you want. Don't let the neg-vibers get you down. I just learned to smile and say, Well, we'll see. I'm pretty determined to do x, y, z." People that know me well know I'm stubborn and won't change my mind once it's set!
I find even this time around, people are like "So, are you going to have another freaky all natural birth, you big granopla eating hippie?" so vent away! I feel your pain.

fridgeart, lucky mum to E (5) and Ro (2)
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#30 of 35 Old 05-21-2008, 03:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by fridgeart View Post
"So, are you going to have another freaky all natural birth, you big granopla eating hippie?"


I have no idea why I thought "granopla" was so hilarious, but boy was it!!

Best typo ever. I was really confused at first, and was trying to imagine what on earth granopla might be...

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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