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#1 of 21 Old 09-07-2008, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not ok. I'm not doing alright, and I'm not coping.

I hate that I feel this way, but I feel so uncared for since the minute ds came out of me. No one cared about my needs, and I was guilted into getting out of bed too early, chasing my toddler around and have been made to feel crazy and hormonal. (Not that I'm not probably hormonal, but geez...)

I am not super woman, and I hate it. My house is a disaster, my 18 mo has his first cold and is miserable, and I'm worried about my newborns head. (Different thread all together.)

My dh leaves every morning at 6:00am and doesn't get home from work till 9:30pm. That is seeming like a VERY long day. I feel isolated and alone and... I don't know. I feel so sore I can barely move, which doesn't make sense, I didn't tear or anything? I am barely keeping it together, and I just needed to puke it all out here. If you read through this, thanks.

I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
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#2 of 21 Old 09-07-2008, 02:12 PM
 
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You will make it! Your hubby's work day is really long. My hubby has been home and I actually just had to have a talk with him last night. What about a friend nearby with kids? She's bound to understand you need a little TLC!

Promise that you will sleep whenever you can . . . which, I understand, with an 18 month old will be hard. Don't stay up late to get things done - talk to your hubby tonight about helping you more. You can do it! Stay hydrated!!!
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#3 of 21 Old 09-07-2008, 02:13 PM
 
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Oh, I'm so sorry! Any chance that you can have family come help or maybe a pp doula for a couple weeks? It sounds like you really do have a very long day alone with the kids!

{{{HUGS}}}

Jen, L&D RN, CBE, CLEC who loves to knit.gif! I adore my modifiedartist.gifDP, treehugger.gifDD 10/98, & sweet new babygirl.gif5/10!!!
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#4 of 21 Old 09-07-2008, 02:27 PM
 
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Oh!!!!
I bet even though you are feeling like this ...you are doing a great job!
I agree with previous post....Do you have anyone to call? Family or friends?

In our area we have this good beginnings program where people will come and do some chores for new moms a few hours a week...for free, regardless of income. Is there something like that in your area?

Don't be afraid to ask for help! We all need it! And, don't worry about the house. I know that is hard, but really it's not important. More important for you to sleep!

Hang in there mamma! And make some phone calls!
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#5 of 21 Old 09-07-2008, 02:37 PM
 
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#6 of 21 Old 09-07-2008, 10:44 PM
 
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Transition from 1-2 was really hard on me. I hemmoraged with #2 and that was physically hard but I remember mostly the mental tole it took. I have tendencies toward depression and I think a little depression mixed with the feelings that I could not take care of the house, the toddler (atleast not how I was before baby) and the baby was never able to be put down (atleast not without me feeling guilty) it all just made me feel so bad, maybe even adding to the physical pain/discomfort. I forced myself to take the kids out. The baby was a dream in the sling so we could go to the library, or the grocery store or to Target with minimal issues. When we went to Target I planned to get snack there for the toddler some entertainment value and quite while I fed the baby, maybe something like this would work?

I remember all to well those days and they will pass. Hang in there. If possible have a TV day and snuggle them both in PJ's on the couch and DON'T feel guilty...they are being loved and cared for the best mama can do now and all will feel better with each passing day.

Sorry I'm not closer (IA) or I would love to come help you.

Jenn

PS. Do you know anyone with a toddler the same age as yours. Inviting him or her to play may would entertain him while you nurse? Sometimes a playmate can make it easier on mom. I think that is why the transition from 2-3 is easier!
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#7 of 21 Old 09-07-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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Not in your ddc but I wanted to say... we all understand. Try to forget about your house, screw it. Worry about you and the kids. Find a family member to keep the older one if you can for a day or two. You NEED rest and relaxation, time to bond with the babe. Believe me, I took two days without dd around to bond with ds. Keep asking for help! From friends and family. (((HUGS)))

Kristin- Wife to J, Mommy to B (11), M-S (8), and little J (4) and J&J (7 months)
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#8 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 02:53 AM
 
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#9 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 08:52 AM
 
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I'm sorry you're having a crappy time of it. That's a loooong da on our own with two kids! Do you have an freinds/family in the area that could help out? Is hiring a teen for a couple of hours to play with your toddler an option?
Hugs, mama!

fridgeart, lucky mum to E (5) and Ro (2)
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#10 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 09:40 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post
I'm not ok. I'm not doing alright, and I'm not coping.

I hate that I feel this way, but I feel so uncared for since the minute ds came out of me. No one cared about my needs, and I was guilted into getting out of bed too early, chasing my toddler around and have been made to feel crazy and hormonal. (Not that I'm not probably hormonal, but geez...)

I am not super woman, and I hate it. My house is a disaster, my 18 mo has his first cold and is miserable, and I'm worried about my newborns head. (Different thread all together.)

My dh leaves every morning at 6:00am and doesn't get home from work till 9:30pm. That is seeming like a VERY long day. I feel isolated and alone and... I don't know. I feel so sore I can barely move, which doesn't make sense, I didn't tear or anything? I am barely keeping it together, and I just needed to puke it all out here. If you read through this, thanks.
Is your newborn's head OK?
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#11 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 11:18 AM
 
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Any ONE of the things you have going on would be a stress on a person (child sick, in pain, dh working a REALLY long day, transition from 1 child to 2, trouble with a newborn, etc.) so DO NOT beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. Just work on getting through a few hours at a time. Can you get through this morning? Then just concentrate on that. For me, the feelings of being overwhelmed can be even worse than reality.

As a pp said, your house can certainly wait. How old is the baby? Maybe you need to see your caretaker (Ob? m/w?). I felt ready to walk with the kids about a week pp. Once you start feeling better you could break up the day by getting out - go to LLL meetings, join MOPS or another mom's group. Exercise can help with mental stress. I guess that's more long term.
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#12 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 11:34 AM
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seriously, it's time to call in the cavalry! is there anyone who can help you? perhaps a post partum doula in training? anyone?

it is a long day, you do need to be cared for. if my DH wasnt here with me now (he has two weeks vacation, two weeks working from home, and two weeks withone day in office, then two weeks with two days and so on until he's back in office full time (mid Nov/Dec).

i would go bonkers without him, and my mom comes once a week . .and we only have one baby.

so, by whatever means you can--call friends, family, hire people if you can. . .see what you can find. if all else fails, call a local church community. . .seriously, explain your situation and i bet a nice grandma or several will come to your rescue!

good luck to you!
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#13 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 02:37 PM
 
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I feel your pain and just know it will get better.

Book loverread.gif - Sewer sewmachine.gif - Movie lover lurk.gif - Mommy to a wonderful little boy (8/4/08) biggrinbounce.gif - Aspiring writer notes.gif - On a mission to lose 15 pounds - all-around cool chick hippie.gif

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#14 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much. It means so much not to be judged for having trouble coping.

My mother is the one that dragged me out of bed the day after ds was born and told me this was life. She was suppose to be here to help, but help turned into emotional abuse. (I should have known. sigh)

I talked to dh and he took two days off!!! : This morning he took ds #1 out all morning, and I got to sleep and cuddle and finally look my newborn in the eyes and just talk to him. It was so healing.

As for his head, it feels like he is missing some skull(not his soft spot, different area, about the size of a silver dollar), I'm on my way to the chiro, and tommorow have a mw appt, but I'm afraid I've lost a lot of trust in my mws. Part of my trouble is I felt very uncared for during the birth, and it hasn't stopped. My mw was very rough with me.

I went for a walk yesterday after I posted and the fresh air was very good for all of us.

I'm going to take everyones advice and stop stressing about the house, and just chill.

Thanks again, I'll keep everyone posted.

I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
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#15 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 03:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post
Thank you so much. It means so much not to be judged for having trouble coping.

My mother is the one that dragged me out of bed the day after ds was born and told me this was life. She was suppose to be here to help, but help turned into emotional abuse. (I should have known. sigh)

I talked to dh and he took two days off!!! : This morning he took ds #1 out all morning, and I got to sleep and cuddle and finally look my newborn in the eyes and just talk to him. It was so healing.

As for his head, it feels like he is missing some skull(not his soft spot, different area, about the size of a silver dollar), I'm on my way to the chiro, and tommorow have a mw appt, but I'm afraid I've lost a lot of trust in my mws. Part of my trouble is I felt very uncared for during the birth, and it hasn't stopped. My mw was very rough with me.

I went for a walk yesterday after I posted and the fresh air was very good for all of us.

I'm going to take everyones advice and stop stressing about the house, and just chill.

Thanks again, I'll keep everyone posted.
I'm so sorry about all the trauma you have been through. Like a PP said, you have every reason to feel the way you do. It is a great idea to take it just a few hours at a time. And how wonderful you got some time to bond with your new little one. I feel so sad that you haven't been able to do this until now.

Oh, and do try to avoid emotionally abusive people right now (or forever, for that matter). You definitely don't need that kind of stress!

I ask about your son's head because my son had head trauma. After four months of screaming day and night, no sleep for any of us, we finally took him to an osteopath who was skilled in cranial sacral manipulation. He diagnosed my son with plagiocephaly and that night for the first time my son slept for 15 hours straight. He was a at peace for the first time. We continued with the therapy every week for several months. Then as he got better we spaced it farther out. It was a miracle to find this solution. (BTW, he had no fontanel, or soft spot, because of the trauma of the birth).

I hope you find some answers for your son. I'd be really interested to know how it all works out!
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#16 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 03:33 PM
 
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lil earth momma is the missing spot towards his crown? On the "seam" of his soft spot but towards the back of his head? Newborns actually all have 2 "holes", midwives use them during labour to guage position if the membranes have gone. I'm sure the chiro will have good info for you, whatever is happening.
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#17 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 09:51 PM
 
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That IS a long day. I can't believe everything that you are doing. I am not doing nearly that much and I feel beat.
I am glad that your hubby has taken some time off. Could he take some more another time?
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#18 of 21 Old 09-08-2008, 10:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, the chiro appt went really well. Apparently when ds was born through my cruddy narrow pelvis it caused some severe molding and two of his plates are overlapping causing a sort of third soft spot. It should correct itself over the next couple of weeks. So that's a relief.

As for everything else, my dh is going to be done this project in two weeks and then it's back to a regular schedule, with weekends and everything.

I just need to survive till then, so I'm going to take everyones advice and take it slow, relax and we are going to try to go to the park everyday. I'm also going to try to stop feeling so upset about the birth. It is what it is, and I need to let go kwim?

Thank you all so much. It means something that even though I'm in a new place with no mama friends yet, I have them online.

I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
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#19 of 21 Old 09-09-2008, 01:50 AM
 
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wow that's some relief there... more to you...

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#20 of 21 Old 09-09-2008, 02:06 AM
 
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You may want to check out "Birthing From Within". Our last 2 local libraries have both had it. As will most chain type book stores.

She has some great info on working through birth trauma & ideas for how to channel your feelings through art, writing, poetry, etc to regain your emotional strength.

Honestly, I would also write a letter to both the midwife practice & the hospital (if you didn't have a homebirth). Nothing irrational, just simply, directly state the *specific* events, comments, actions that you had problems with. Even if you never mail it, it may be a good cathartic exercise for you. But, having worked in the medical field all my professional life pre-kids, I have to say MAIL IT. Especially if you didn't birth at home. Nobody will *ever* know that they are treating mamas this way if you & others don't speak up. Administration is usually clueless about the day to day activities, staff usually not willing to speak out against providers, etc.

Glad to hear you're getting some help. Toxic people (especially family) are the worst! Sounds like you've gotten yourself a good plan into place. Sending you lots of calming, healing vibes to get you through the last couple week of DH's project.
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#21 of 21 Old 09-09-2008, 02:53 AM
 
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I understand. I won't go into "my story". But it does get better.

I would make sure to get some sun everyday. Get some liquid herbal iron ( I also hemmoraged and this helps).

There will always be housework. No sooner do you have the kitchen clean then someone needs to eat...darn it!

Even if you can just drive thru a drive thru..get out of the house if you are up to it. Buy yourself a present. treat yourself nice.

I am sorry about the birth. I would write it out...how you feel. It would help get it off of your chest.
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