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Home Birth Confession

615 views 14 replies 13 participants last post by  ktmama 
#1 ·
This is so hard for me to even type b/c I don't want to give my thoughts a voice, but I just have to share and I don't want to seem like a wuss to my MW/mentor.

I am terrified to have a home birth this time and I can't stand it. This will be my 3rd home birth/3rd child. I was more than confident with my first and had a 45 hour labor with total pushing time being 6 hours. My second was fast and furious - 3 hours & 2 pushes he was out.

I feel like I am pushing my luck (????) or like it's somehow my turn to be that 1/1,000. This is a sick way of thinking. I am well educated about HB (was an apprentice MW and am a doula/CBE), but can't shake this feeling.

Where do you draw the line between fear and intuition?
 
#2 ·
Wow, I'm impressed that you've done two HB already!
I haven't done it with any of my three, but so badly wanted to with this one. I had the MW picked out and everything. Then I found out that I have a quite large fibroid. After reading about all the possible risks associated with a fibroid during delivery (hemmoraging), I decided that I'd probably be best off delivering in a hospital setting and with a doctor. I discussed this with the person I had chosen for MW and she said she understands...that I wouldn't want to be the 1/1000 that has serious complication at home because of a fibroid. I would probably use the MW as a doula, however, and she's cool with that. So I kind of get where you're coming from. Its never an easy decision. But at this point for you, perhaps its a bit too early to make a final determination where you should deliver?
 
#3 ·
I am looking forward to my second homebirth but am also a strong believer in intuition. Plus honestly even if nothing would have happened it sounds like your fear might very well affect your birth experience negatively, kwim?
You still have time. It's so early. But if you still feel the same when it gets closer then I think it would totally be okay to make a different kind of decision in regards to your birth.
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KBinSATX View Post
You still have time. It's so early. But if you still feel the same when it gets closer then I think it would totally be okay to make a different kind of decision in regards to your birth.
I agree with this. I personally wouldn't head into a homebirth with any fear or indecision. You have a lot of time to think and dream, and to come to a decision that you feel comfortable with. I did some of the exercises from Birthing From Within before my last birth and they helped me face a lot of fears that were with me due to how my first birth played out. Also, even though you are nervous to discuss it with your mw, she may be just the person to help you work through this.
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#5 ·
Could just be a normal hormone fluctuation... and it's good to work through all your thought and fears. Don't ignore any of your intuitive responses to stress and preganancy.

Keep us posted, mama.
 
#6 ·
I'm actually in the same boat as you.

I've had a C/S, then a homebirth, and now I'm planning another homebirth. I don't know why, but I keep thinking something will go "wrong". I know plenty about birth (doula) and I feel fine when I think about specific scenarios - but I can't shake the feeling. It's totally in line with feeling like my last birth was my "deserved" birth and now I'm back in the lottery again.

I'm trying not to pay it too much head until I'm in the third trimester
I figure then is the time to decide. In the meantime, my M/W is providing me with the most amazing support and prenatal care so I'm in a great place.
 
#7 ·
I have a somewhat similar birth pattern, although neither was a homebirth. My first was supposed to be a birth center birth. I ended up getting transferred. I labored for 42 hours, pushed for over 3 hrs, they attempted a forceps delivery, I ended up with a c/s. I was adamant about VBACing with #2. She was born in less than 2 hrs!! With this one, I can't help but feel like I'm going to end up with another c/s (first time I've admitted that). I too have been a doula and have seen a lot of births. I know that sometimes things get thrown at you in birth, and you just have to go with it. I'm not upset or freaked out by the prospect of another c/s. I just feel like it's a distinct possibility.

Is it possible that you and I feel this way about our third births because our second births were so fast and furious? We feel like we're tempting fate by having another birth after having the "perfect birth" (although it wasn't, really. I tore pretty badly and my placenta didn't detach properly).

They say the third is a "wild card". Anything can happen. It's hard to know sometimes where that line is between fear and intuition. But in your case, you've already had two successful homebirths, so it's not like one of your fear factors is the unknown. I think when you make your decision, you'll know it's the right one if you have a peace about it. Like Shanti Mom said, it still is early. Maybe you can see how your pregnancy goes before making a final decision. It's never too late to change your mind.
 
#8 ·
I don't know why I expected the "shame on you" posts, but thank you all for your encouragement and honesty.

I would feel like I let everyone down if I didn't have a HB - my MW (like my mom), my friends, family, other doulas that I know/work with. I know in the end I have to think about my baby and my health, and I'm typically not one to care what anyone thinks. I have NEVER considered birthing in the hospital - it wasn't an option for *me*. I am a huge advocate for home birth and will provide files of information for others, BUT I often tell mothers that if they have fears or are not 100% comfortable then home birth may not be for them. And now this is where I sit.

Maybe it was my fast 2nd birth. I tell everyone that I would take my first experience over my 2nd b/c it all just happened so fast that I couldn't get on top of the contractions. I have Birthing From Within in my library - I'll dig it out today and try to figure out where this is coming from.

Thanks for letting me ramble. It is also nice to read that I'm not the only one struggling with this!
 
#9 ·
Quote:
Where do you draw the line between fear and intuition?
This is an excellent question that I have been thinking a lot about. I don't actually know the answer but I think it is important to consider. I think it is great that you are talking out your feelings now while you still have plenty of time. I think as long as you don't ignore your fears and you confront them head on, you will figure out the difference somewhere along the way. While I'm a home birth advocate, I'm a bigger advocate of following your instincts. I do think fear can very normal...possibly hormonal or anything really. It could be something that just passes but if it lingers on and on then maybe it means something more.

I can totally see how it would be hard or feel like you would let people down to choose a hospital birth after two home births. I knew someone who was planning her second home birth and ended up choosing a c-section without TOL in the end with her 3rd after she had already had an HBAC. I have to tell you, I admire her more than anyone!!!!!!!!!! She totally knew that something wasn't right and trusted her instincts and that was the best thing for her and her baby. I know it is not an easy decision when a person is already so active in the homebirth community.
 
#10 ·
I totally understand - it's so early on, I haven't even seen my midwife yet, but this has definitely crossed my mind. What if I don't feel right about a homebirth this time? How will I address those fears? I do believe intuition is very powerful, and if you have a persistent "something's not right" feeling then you really need to address it.

We're here for you. I think every woman should have *all* her options on the table, *every* time. Medical care and midwifery care are meant to complement each other, if we just let them!
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cristina47454 View Post

Is it possible that you and I feel this way about our third births because our second births were so fast and furious? We feel like we're tempting fate by having another birth after having the "perfect birth" (although it wasn't, really. I tore pretty badly and my placenta didn't detach properly).
There must be something to this, because I also had a way too fast second birth. My water broke, I rolled out of bed, and couldn't even move until Leif was born. It was so intense, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone! It was about 4 hours start to finish (my first vaginal birth) and a little traumatizing. Although totally "perfect", healthy, and rewarding.

Maybe we are just a little nervous/scared? All three of us are also Doulas so I'm sure something about the intensity of our "educations" must be coming into play...
 
#12 ·
I felt a lot the same way about having my thrid child. Not really so much about hb but about having him at all, beacuse I had two very healthy children it just seemed like my luck was going to run out and there would be something wrong with him. Talking with my mw friends and other Moms made me feel so much better. If I were you I would just try to keep the dialogue open with your mw about your feelings, I bet talking them through could really go along way in helping you feel more at ease. I deffinatly agree with the other ladies to listen to your intuition.
I hope it gets easier for you.
 
#13 ·
Listen to your heart, mama. Don't let other people's expectations interfere with the signals your gut is giving you. Only YOU can know what's best!

I have known women who had homebirths with their previous children, then something unforeseen to anyone happened, mama sensed it, and they went to the hospital and delivered a baby who really needed emergency care. That is intuition at its finest. The wisest mothers don't refuse to have anything but a homebirth just because it's what they want or what others want...they listen to their gut and FOLLOW IT, even if it means giving up their homebirth.

I agree with PPs who said that right now it just might be normal fears working their way through you. Think on them, process them, and decide what to do with them. If you still have a very strong feeling that something is not right as time draws near, then listen to that feeling.
 
#14 ·
I am feeling the same way too, I was soo confident about my 1st HB and now I am freaking out this time around, like pp said I am hoping that as things progress and I am more confirmed about baby's health and I am actually feeling better ( today's the first day I've felt human in a while! ) I'll be able to work through the fears and remind myself how wonderful HBing is. If I continue to have these fears well into pregnancy then I will definitely follow my heart, whatever it may tell me. It's definitely a frustrating place to be though, when you believe so much in something and something else is telling you to go against it.
 
#15 ·
I am in the same boat as you - long first hb, short second hb. I've also been more emotional this time, more hormonal and, well, just not feeling as "at ease" as with my other two pgs.

For me, it's mostly about feeling like I'm tempting fate asking for another healthy child and normal birth. I should be satisfied with two, right?

In terms of fear/intuition, what I tell myself is that intuition will never speak to me and make me afraid. When I hear my intuition, I always feel calm and informed, not hyper-vigilant and fearful. That is fear talking, IME.

What I tell myself is that I can make decisions moment-by-moment, even up to the moment I start pushing! I'm not making any *decisions* now, but am planning on having a peaceful homebirth and a normal, healthy baby.

Best to you mama.
 
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