rant: why do I tell my mother anything? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 21 Old 03-10-2008, 08:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I finally decided I really want to do homebirth. DH thinks it's fine. I'm getting excited. So what do I do? I tell my mother. Why do I do this to myself?

Now she is beside herself with worry and feels the need to tell me about every pregnancy complication anyone in the family or in her circle of friends ever had. My grandmother had eclampsia. My SIL just found out she has placenta previa. I am obviously crazy!

Mind you, I didn't say "I will have a homebirth no matter what, even if I am having complications or my midwife recommends against it." I said I was interested in doing it. And I'm so ridiculously close to the hospital. I could practically spit at it from here. If I had to transfer, how bad could it be?

I decided not to bring up lotus birth too.
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#2 of 21 Old 03-10-2008, 09:36 AM
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If you're that close to a hospital, what is her worry!?
Just remember that it's your choice and let her know that! Also, there are less germs at your house, it's a more comfortable laboring zone and you don't have hospital rules! Also remind her that hospital birth is a pretty new thing in this world!

I am having my 2nd birth in a hospital... first was a cesarean.. HOWEVER - if I had a good hospital close to me (I have one really close but it's THE worst and they don't deliver babies) I would absolutely attempt a homebirth!

I say go for it!!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#3 of 21 Old 03-10-2008, 11:02 AM
 
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I'm sorry. I totally understand. I haven't even told my mother I'm pregnant yet. That might be taking things a bit far, I guess. But I wanted to wait until I see her this weekend. Anyway, we're planning a homebirth, but I don't plan on telling my parents until after I've delivered the baby. Seriously. I've just been there too many times with my parents and really don't need the negative energy in my life. I agree with pp, though. Now that you've shared, just remind her--and yourself--that this is YOUR birth experience and your decisions. Let her know that you are the one calling the shots and she can choose to support you or not. Post here if you need support to block out the negativity!

On the other hand, perhaps your mother is more reasonable than mine and you could share some information about homebirth with her to help her see it as positive and be supportive of you?
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#4 of 21 Old 03-10-2008, 11:13 AM
 
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The title of your post just struck me. I feel like every time I get off the phone with my mother I utter the same words to my dh. Good luck!

AP crunchy homeschooling mama to Henning (1/4/03), Connor (7/1/05) and Elijah (9/21/08) Forever holding my 3 lost little ones in my heart.
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#5 of 21 Old 03-10-2008, 11:51 AM
 
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We're being somewhat private about our homebirth, too. My parents aren't alive, so I don't know whether I'd tell them, but we're definitely not sharing with our in-laws until after the baby is born unless it comes up explicitly. We don't want the extra stress, or crazy forwarded information (my MIL is the queen of crazy forwards). * Jaime
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#6 of 21 Old 03-10-2008, 12:15 PM
 
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Luckily no one on either side of our families has asked where we're having the baby, I guess they just assume I'll go to the same hospital as I did with DD. I don't plan to say anything until they specifically ask and even then, depending on my mood, I might just evade the question. They ILs will have to know though as they will be in charge of coming to take DD to their house while I'm in labour.

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#7 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 01:57 AM
 
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This post really got me thinking....I've just decided to try for an HBAC. My mom is also crazy. My grandmother is even nuttier. Maybe I won't tell them after all.....
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#8 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 03:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Mom is kinda hit or miss. Sometimes she's really supportive about stuff I wouldn't expect her to be into, sometimes she kinda steps back and says it's my business, and sometimes she thinks it's her business. The worst is that she really thinks that she's always stepping back but she's not! I might be able to convince her, or she might decide this is worth being stubborn over.

The thing that really annoyed me, is she was saying she didn't think it was a good idea because of "all the problems in the family." So I asked her to tell me about these problems. If it's so important, I want to know regardless of where I'm birthing, and I should probably tell the midwife, right? Then she got all wishy-washy. "Well, it's just so many things. You know, there's just a lot, I can't think right now…" So I asked her to email me when she can think of it, "well, it's just not a good idea…."

You can imagine how convinced I became.
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#9 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 07:55 AM
 
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Welcome to the homebirth club! :

Sorry your mom's not being supportive. You can try giving her some info or even letting her meet your mw once you get one. If she just won't listen at all, though, eventually you might just say the topic is closed for discussion, and can she please worry only when you're not around!

I didn't tell my dad or my ILs until about 38 weeks just because I didn't want to deal with their obsessive worrying my whole pg.

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#10 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 08:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, she's 5000 miles away so she won't be meeting anyone before the birth. Plus, I don't think that the push for keeping a single midwife throughout have gone through so there is no guarantee I will see the same once twice. I will try to get her some info and hope it means something to her.
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#11 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 10:22 AM
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haha due to all the family problems.. you probably wont be 'able' to breastfeed either! That's what all my aunts told me a couple weeks before my daughter was born.. that THEY did't have enough milk (all 3 of them.. but I have a hard time believing that any of them would really TRY all that hard, ya know?) so I possibly would not either!
heck, I'm STILL breastfeeding my 2 yr old and pregnant! I guess I did it even though they couldn't!?

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#12 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 02:31 PM
 
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I'm lucky that my mom is a homebirth advocate and midwife's assistant, among other things. The first births I attended were my siblings' homebirths, and I'm a doula now, so the decision was easy for me and my husband.

BUT I'm sure my inlaws will freak out if/when they hear about our homebirth plan. They don't live nearby, so I've been wondering if we should try to keep it to ourselves until after the birth. But I don't want to be dishonest, so I don't really know what to do if it comes up. Guess it's a ways away still -- maybe they won't even think to ask about it? Doubtful...
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#13 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 04:37 PM
 
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I say those words often when I get off the phone with my mother, too: "Why do I tell her anything?!?"

I'm trying to be a bit evasive about where our baby will be born, because I'm not interested in fighting or listening to the same old stories or statements.

It kind of reminds me of my wedding, when my mom desperately wanted me to wear the frou-frou dress to the spiritual ceremony (I had chosen to wear something simpler), so I told her with a smile, "When you get married, you can wear whatever you want. This is my wedding."

Maybe I'll have the guts to tell my mom (and whomever else), "When you have a baby, you can have it wherever you want. This is my baby." Of course, I'll probably get slapped.

Catherine, mama to Preschooler Girl 9/08, and Toddler Boy 3/11

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#14 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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I could have written your post. My mom even told me she'd pay to have the "hospital people" come to my house (I have an experienced midwife who I don't think would appreciate the insinuation that she isn't as qualified as "hospital people")

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#15 of 21 Old 03-12-2008, 03:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VeganCupcake View Post
so I told her with a smile, "When you get married, you can wear whatever you want. This is my wedding."
I wish I could have done that. My parents were paying for my wedding, and although my mother kept saying it was my wedding and I could do whatever I wanted, that's not what happened. Hence why two barefooter atheists had a Christian wedding wearing shoes, and don't even get me started on the florist!

Quote:
Originally Posted by frontierpsych View Post
My mom even told me she'd pay to have the "hospital people" come to my house (I have an experienced midwife who I don't think would appreciate the insinuation that she isn't as qualified as "hospital people")
A homebirth in Denmark is literally having the "hospital people" (lol!) come to my house. I call the hospital and say to send a midwife and they do. And as I said before, the hospital is two shakes of a lamb's tail from here!
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#16 of 21 Old 03-12-2008, 09:29 AM
 
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next time she mentions about all these problems, remind her that if you do have pre eclampsia or placenta previa you wouldnt be allowed to homebirth anyway, i dont suppose. and none of those things are inherited so what happened in the family before has no bearing on you.
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#17 of 21 Old 03-12-2008, 02:44 PM
 
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it's up to you if you want to try to explain things to her to make her feel more at ease. Although, if she is, it might help you because she won't spend the rest of your pregnancy trying to change your mind about the homebirth. You can tell her what you typed in your second post, that it is not written in stone that you will birth at home. It is something you are thinking of doing, because essentially that is the truth. Until the baby has been delivered, you can't be sure if you will have homebirthed or not. But that is is something you want to try to do, and as long as everything is going well, you will continue with it. If problems arise, you will have no problem going to the hospital to give birth there.
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#18 of 21 Old 03-12-2008, 04:27 PM
 
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i didn't realize so many people were against home birth! i didn't even think twice about telling my family. a home birth is more common than a hospital birht with us. it's new to my inlaws, my son was the first hb in the family. i don't think they're 100% comfortable with it but at the same time they wouldn't try to talk me out of it. i think they see me as kinda nutty but set in my ways, lol. i'm sorry to hear not everyone is supportive of your ideas regarding birth plans. work it out so YOU'RE comfortable with YOUR decision and what ever you do don't take that negativity into labour with you!!
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#19 of 21 Old 03-12-2008, 07:01 PM
 
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My earlier post got eaten . . . .

If you want to discuss it with your mom, you might mention some really positive statistics about home birth in Denmark being so common, accepted, and safe. I'm thinking along the lines of "X% of women here birth at home. This and that resource are available to support women before, during, and after the birth." Plus you have a great infant mortality figure in Denmark--better than the U.S., that's for sure.

I keep telling DH we need to move (but I usually say Sweden).

Catherine, mama to Preschooler Girl 9/08, and Toddler Boy 3/11

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#20 of 21 Old 03-12-2008, 11:14 PM
 
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Ahh, yes.... I know that feeling all too well! I'm sorry she's not being supportive!

Heather, Army wife & Mama to M (10), J (9), L & S (my HBAC babies are 7!), N & R (5), and A (born 11/30/12 UBA2C)
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#21 of 21 Old 03-13-2008, 01:52 AM
 
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ahhahaha, well I am totally with you on the crazy mom scene! my last pregnancy I planned (and had) an out of hospital water birth (at a birth center) with my wonderful midwife in attendance. My mom was freaking out my entire pregnancy, so finally at one appointment I called my mom and asked her to talk to my midwife personally about all of her fears. She did! And now all my mom can talk about with my second pregnancy is, "Oh, i am so glad you have that wonderful midwife, she just really knows her stuff, etc", hahaha, but my mom still thinks i am a nutjob for not circing or vaxing...oh well...at least it gives us something to talk about over holidays!
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