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IL issues-need advice

442 views 10 replies 8 participants last post by  emski4379 
#1 ·
OK, a little back story first. Sorry if this gets long.

We live 12 hours from both of our families. MIL and FIL are divorced, but still live within 20 minutes of each other. I get along well with all of my ILs, but our relationships have changed over the last 11 years. MIL and I used to be super close (she has 3 boys and considered me her daughter), so when I had DS, I naturally assumed she's be very involved in his life. Especially since she used to say that whenever we had our first child, she's move down here. Well a few months before we had DS, BIL (who is younger than DH) had a baby with his girlfriend. MIL was over the moon with the baby (as she should be). I naturally expected her to react the same way when DS was born, but that didn't happen. She didn't even meet him until he was 6 months old. In fact, that was the last time she came to visit, and she only came down here because we got married. Since then, when we go up to MA to visit our families, she's great with DS when she sees him, but doesn't really go out of her way to see him, rarely asks how he's doing, and has not been back to visit.

We still get along very well, but I am disappointed in the type of grandmother she has been to DS. I'm glad she loves her other grandson so much (BIL and his GF broke up shortly after the baby is born, and the baby has been sick a lot and hasn't had much stability). I'm not upset she has a great relationship with him. I'm just upset she has a lousy relationship with DS. When I got preggo again, she apparently told some people, including my mom that she wanted to come and visit in October. She has yet to say anything to ME about it though. I told DH that he needs to call her and find out the details, because if she plans on coming for vacation, she should just stay home until November. Also, she smokes-a lot. I do not want a smoker around my newborn baby.

My problem is I have never had any issues with her before, so I'm not sure how to address all of this. She thinks our parenting choices are a little weird, but other than some questions, she's never given us a problem. So now that there is a problem, I don't know what to do without coming off looking like a b!tch. She's not really the type to come down here and clean, do laundry, and cook.

OK, now for FIL. FIL is great-after his divorce, he completely changed and is very involved in our lives. He drives down several times a year to visit DS and spoils all of us. He also does a ton of work around the house whenever he visits. For example, he's here this weekend just to fix our back steps. He didn't want me to fall while walking up and down the steps, so he drove 12 hours to come and fix them. And paid for all the supplies.

The problem-FIL turns 60 next month, and he wants to get all his kids and grandkids together for 4-7 days over Thanksgiving to celebrate. I like all my BIL and SIL, so that part doesn't bother me. The part that does is that we'd have to travel 12+ hours north in November with a baby who would be anywhere from 4-8 weeks old. Plus a 3 year old. Not exactly my cup of tea. So what do we do? I don't want to disappoint him, and be the only ones who don't go, but the idea of spending 4-7 days in a house filled with other people and their germs and exposing my newborn baby to all of that makes me nervous. Plus since there would only be 2 other women there besides me, they may not understand that since I just had a baby, I need to take it easy and WILL NOT be cooking Thanksgiving dinner. So how do we handle this? FIL is so great to us, and I don't want to ruin his birthday wish.

Whooh. Sorry for the novel. Thank you for reading all of this, and I'll appreciate any advice I get.
 
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#2 ·
No advice for the MIL, just make sure your DH calls her and asks about the visiting thing so you can figure that all out.

Can you fly instead of driving in November? And what about staying at a hotel instead of the house? That way if you needed a break from the chaos, you could take the baby back to your room and have a nap.

Just out of curiosity, what part of MA? I live on the South Shore.
 
#3 ·
Okay, the easier one first...FIL's birthday/Thanksgiving. Just tell him this weekend that you *REALLY* don't want to miss his birthday celebration, but you can't commit to it until you know more about when baby's coming, how old baby will be at Thanksgiving, and how you feel after the birth. And I second looking into flying and/or staying in a hotel. You might also consider flying in for a shorter time frame, too...Just tell him that you're going to play it by ear and if you can't make it, you WILL make time to visit sometime when baby is a few months older.

MIL. I think I'd call her and say "hey, mom said you mentioned you might come visit us after baby's born. We're trying to make some plans for after the birth (you are...you're trying to decide if you're going to travel to FIL's birthday
) and I wanted to know if you still plan to come or if mom misunderstood you?" And yes, you may not want to make the call, but since your mom talked to you about it, it would probably be better for you to make the call. If she says that she does plan on coming, then work out details that you'll be comfortable with, or say "ya know, I'm just not sure that's going to be a good time for us to have company...can we talk about you visiting a little later?"
 
#4 ·
Thank you both for your advice.

Just to add one more thing to the mix-FIL just surprised us with a new fridge. Which makes me feel even worse about ruining his plans. He really wants all of his kids under the same roof during that time. Ugh, I don't know what to do.
 
#5 ·
I'm a big family person and always end up initiating the family get-togethers around here so my advice with the FIL party would be that you should try to go--try to fly and maybe stay in a hotel, if you stay in a hotel they won't expect you to cook as much either, maybe you could buy pies somewhere and furnish desert? Your FIL sounds great, it would be a shame to miss the party. (my FIL is good, but he doesn't fix stuff or buy us stuff, or even come around that much...)

As for the MIL I think you should just tell her that visiting in Oct won't be good for you, maybe she could visit for Easter (if you celebrate) or the like.

I usually have a lot of IL anxiety, so I can sympathize, but I think it's important to be clear on your boundaries.
 
#6 ·
I have to agree with all regarding the FIL...it sounds like he really has gone out of his way to be good to you, and if this is his wish then you should try your hardest to make it there (I know if my father was alive and wanted me at his birthday I'd do my best to be there...they're only around so long)! Some babies are good with traveling and some are not. I wouldn't be so nervous about the germs...you're breastfeeding which will help with anything going around! Also...maybe there is a train that goes between the towns? My kids love traveling on the train, and it's great for nursing too!!

Regarding the MIL....hmmm.....maybe you could see if she contacts you before you even bring the subject up? Maybe she is waiting for an invitation?? I know that there is NO WAY I'd let anyone smoke around my kids, which has been a point of contention with my ILs the last few years until they quit smoking. However, I've always been very clear on that one!!

Good luck with it all!!
 
#8 ·
I was thinking about your post today and couldn't help posting a second reply. Maybe you're feeling anxious about the new baby in general? It's really hard for me to know what the first few weeks/months with the baby will be like so when people ask if they can come visit I sort of say "I guess so" (especially because this will be our first, I do know this is not your case).
 
#9 ·
Sorry- I can't wrap my brain around the MIL question at the moment- I'll come back later when I'm not so fogged.

Re: the FIL- I agree with everyone else. Tell him that you will try to come, but that you simply won't know for sure until the baby comes and you see what's what.. Then, if you make the trip, BOOK A HOTEL. DH can always stay behind at the house for some extra time if you and the LO need an extra break.

YOu could also approach the other women who will be there in advance to lay the ground work re: meal prep. "Boy, I sure do want to pull my weight with the Thanksgiving meal, but I am already overwhelmed at the thought of cooking with a baby. Is there something I can do to help that is more manageable? Buy dessert, beverages, paper goods/decorations? I can't tell you how much it means that you are so understanding."

About the plane ride- I dunno. I get skeeved out enough at the thought of being trapped in a metal tube with all of those germs recirculating. I don't know about the baby. The train sounds cool.

Good luck- IL situations are so tricky!
 
#10 ·
I agree that you should try to make the FIL's wish happen if you can possibly do so. I'd also try to fly instead of making such a long drive!

As for your MIL, I'd probably just ignore the fact that she mentioned coming to visit to your mom. Until she brings it up with you, I'd think it's just not happening.
 
#11 ·
Thanks everyone. DH and I talked about it and made a few decisions.

FIL-we decided (since he hasn't found a house yet) that we'd see if he'd be willing to wait 2-3 months until baby is a little older. If not, then we would probably take the train up to Boston. At least that way we wouldn't constantly have to stop for me to nurse DD or change her diaper, plus DS LOVES trains and would be thrilled to ride in one.

MIL-we're going to wait and see if she brings it up. If in another month she hasn't, then DH is going to call her and casually bring it up to see what she says. If she wants to come down, then we'll get her to stay in a hotel. We really don't have the space once baby is here for a guest anyway.

Thank you all for your advice. It was very helpful!
 
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