OK, a little back story first. Sorry if this gets long.
We live 12 hours from both of our families. MIL and FIL are divorced, but still live within 20 minutes of each other. I get along well with all of my ILs, but our relationships have changed over the last 11 years. MIL and I used to be super close (she has 3 boys and considered me her daughter), so when I had DS, I naturally assumed she's be very involved in his life. Especially since she used to say that whenever we had our first child, she's move down here. Well a few months before we had DS, BIL (who is younger than DH) had a baby with his girlfriend. MIL was over the moon with the baby (as she should be). I naturally expected her to react the same way when DS was born, but that didn't happen. She didn't even meet him until he was 6 months old. In fact, that was the last time she came to visit, and she only came down here because we got married. Since then, when we go up to MA to visit our families, she's great with DS when she sees him, but doesn't really go out of her way to see him, rarely asks how he's doing, and has not been back to visit.
We still get along very well, but I am disappointed in the type of grandmother she has been to DS. I'm glad she loves her other grandson so much (BIL and his GF broke up shortly after the baby is born, and the baby has been sick a lot and hasn't had much stability). I'm not upset she has a great relationship with him. I'm just upset she has a lousy relationship with DS. When I got preggo again, she apparently told some people, including my mom that she wanted to come and visit in October. She has yet to say anything to ME about it though. I told DH that he needs to call her and find out the details, because if she plans on coming for vacation, she should just stay home until November. Also, she smokes-a lot. I do not want a smoker around my newborn baby.
My problem is I have never had any issues with her before, so I'm not sure how to address all of this. She thinks our parenting choices are a little weird, but other than some questions, she's never given us a problem. So now that there is a problem, I don't know what to do without coming off looking like a b!tch. She's not really the type to come down here and clean, do laundry, and cook.
OK, now for FIL. FIL is great-after his divorce, he completely changed and is very involved in our lives. He drives down several times a year to visit DS and spoils all of us. He also does a ton of work around the house whenever he visits. For example, he's here this weekend just to fix our back steps. He didn't want me to fall while walking up and down the steps, so he drove 12 hours to come and fix them. And paid for all the supplies.
The problem-FIL turns 60 next month, and he wants to get all his kids and grandkids together for 4-7 days over Thanksgiving to celebrate. I like all my BIL and SIL, so that part doesn't bother me. The part that does is that we'd have to travel 12+ hours north in November with a baby who would be anywhere from 4-8 weeks old. Plus a 3 year old. Not exactly my cup of tea. So what do we do? I don't want to disappoint him, and be the only ones who don't go, but the idea of spending 4-7 days in a house filled with other people and their germs and exposing my newborn baby to all of that makes me nervous. Plus since there would only be 2 other women there besides me, they may not understand that since I just had a baby, I need to take it easy and WILL NOT be cooking Thanksgiving dinner. So how do we handle this? FIL is so great to us, and I don't want to ruin his birthday wish.
Whooh. Sorry for the novel. Thank you for reading all of this, and I'll appreciate any advice I get.
We live 12 hours from both of our families. MIL and FIL are divorced, but still live within 20 minutes of each other. I get along well with all of my ILs, but our relationships have changed over the last 11 years. MIL and I used to be super close (she has 3 boys and considered me her daughter), so when I had DS, I naturally assumed she's be very involved in his life. Especially since she used to say that whenever we had our first child, she's move down here. Well a few months before we had DS, BIL (who is younger than DH) had a baby with his girlfriend. MIL was over the moon with the baby (as she should be). I naturally expected her to react the same way when DS was born, but that didn't happen. She didn't even meet him until he was 6 months old. In fact, that was the last time she came to visit, and she only came down here because we got married. Since then, when we go up to MA to visit our families, she's great with DS when she sees him, but doesn't really go out of her way to see him, rarely asks how he's doing, and has not been back to visit.
We still get along very well, but I am disappointed in the type of grandmother she has been to DS. I'm glad she loves her other grandson so much (BIL and his GF broke up shortly after the baby is born, and the baby has been sick a lot and hasn't had much stability). I'm not upset she has a great relationship with him. I'm just upset she has a lousy relationship with DS. When I got preggo again, she apparently told some people, including my mom that she wanted to come and visit in October. She has yet to say anything to ME about it though. I told DH that he needs to call her and find out the details, because if she plans on coming for vacation, she should just stay home until November. Also, she smokes-a lot. I do not want a smoker around my newborn baby.
My problem is I have never had any issues with her before, so I'm not sure how to address all of this. She thinks our parenting choices are a little weird, but other than some questions, she's never given us a problem. So now that there is a problem, I don't know what to do without coming off looking like a b!tch. She's not really the type to come down here and clean, do laundry, and cook.
OK, now for FIL. FIL is great-after his divorce, he completely changed and is very involved in our lives. He drives down several times a year to visit DS and spoils all of us. He also does a ton of work around the house whenever he visits. For example, he's here this weekend just to fix our back steps. He didn't want me to fall while walking up and down the steps, so he drove 12 hours to come and fix them. And paid for all the supplies.
The problem-FIL turns 60 next month, and he wants to get all his kids and grandkids together for 4-7 days over Thanksgiving to celebrate. I like all my BIL and SIL, so that part doesn't bother me. The part that does is that we'd have to travel 12+ hours north in November with a baby who would be anywhere from 4-8 weeks old. Plus a 3 year old. Not exactly my cup of tea. So what do we do? I don't want to disappoint him, and be the only ones who don't go, but the idea of spending 4-7 days in a house filled with other people and their germs and exposing my newborn baby to all of that makes me nervous. Plus since there would only be 2 other women there besides me, they may not understand that since I just had a baby, I need to take it easy and WILL NOT be cooking Thanksgiving dinner. So how do we handle this? FIL is so great to us, and I don't want to ruin his birthday wish.
Whooh. Sorry for the novel. Thank you for reading all of this, and I'll appreciate any advice I get.