Confessions of a second time mom... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 12:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok second/third/more time mamas...need your input/encouragement.

I am a bit ashamed to admit this "outloud"...but I know it is perfectly normal when pregnant with your second child. It's just not the same as it was with Nell. I swear, sometimes I forget I'm even pregnant (well not really, but maybe you know what I'm trying to say.)

With Nell I was just totally consumed by her. She's all I thought of. I felt an intense connection to her immediately. Every kick and every milestone was a celebration.

With Lilith, don't get me wrong, I'm super excited that she's joining our family etc...but I just don't feel that bond yet. I don't feel as aware or in touch with it all as much as I did with Nell.

And I worry that I won't love her as much as I love Nell, or that she'll feel like I don't. I know I will, but it is just hard for me to imagine being as in love with another child as I am with Nell. There is magic in her every moment of being.

Please reassure me this is normal, and that both of my girls will feel loved and cherished and treasured equally. because I know once Lil is here she will be..and even now, she is...I just can't quite seem to get in touch with those feelings like I had with Nell immediately.
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#2 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 12:58 PM
 
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No matter how you feel now, you will bond with Lilith. Nell is probably consuming your days, whereas the first time around, thoughts of her were consuming your days while you carried her. I too "forget" I'm pregnant with this one, but I know that once he is born, he'll be impossible to forget! You'll be okay.
I actually expected to be smitten with the pregnancy part during dd's, but barely thought of it, to be honest. I don't know when either of my babies first kicked, because as sentimental as I think I am, I guess I'm not. This time around, I wanted to record every feeling, but life gets in the way. Now I realize that I love my dd and will love my ds, and how I react to pregnancy doesn't have to be in the "expected" way.

You'll be just fine, mama!
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#3 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 01:00 PM
 
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I feel the exact same way. I have tried to start imagining the new baby, what he will look like, how he will smell and feel in my arms. It has helped me connect a little bit... I kind of "talk" to him like you would talk to a newborn....

But, I am totally in the same place. I think it is VERY normal and all will work out in the end.
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#4 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 02:15 PM
 
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Heck, I'm on my third, and I've been through this once before and I STILL worry about this.

My concern this time around is the upset to our family balance. My 2 kids play together EXTREMELY well. I can take them both places easily by myself. I'm worried that I'm going to resent this baby for changing the family dynamic. I won't of course, and logically I know that things would change anyway--for example my oldest is going to Kindy this fall so DD will be left without her playmate. But that irrational, hormonal side of me stews over it.

Hugs!

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#5 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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I think what you're feeling is totally normal. I too wondered how in the world I could possibly love another baby like I loved my first, but then our 2nd sweet daughter came into the world and the bond happened quicker if anything. With each baby we've added, the love in our family has multiplied exponentially. It's also so very neat to watch the bonding that happens between the siblings. You will have plenty of room in your heart to love this baby every bit as much as you love your first. I promise!!

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#6 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 05:21 PM
 
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I never felt all that connected to DS when I was preggo with him, and honestly thought I'd be one of those moms who took awhile to bond with their newborn. Nope--from the second I laid eyes on him it was true love. So anyway, I'm of course even more distracted and disconnected this time around but it doesn't worry me because I've been there before.

I thought this was more going to be about taking care of yourself--I felt like I was so healthy with DS, worked out a lot, napped, ate really well... this time, none of that. I feel sorry for my little girl already.

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#7 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 05:22 PM
 
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It will come.
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#8 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 05:45 PM
 
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Understanding totally. With #1 everything is new and exciting. This should be a bit more common place for you. As for bonding...it will come. In some ways I enjoyed mothering #2 WAY more. It was just easier and more of a joy. Every child is different and YOU are a different person now too! Embrace it for what it is.

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#9 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 05:49 PM
 
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Been there done that... doing it again lol.

This is my third boy...... I totally felt that way with my 2nd pregnancy as well..... but the funny thing... I think I have a stronger/closer bond with my 2nd kid now then I do with my 1st!.... And I'm kind of excited to know how this third one will change things... somedays it's scary but mostly it's exciting lol.

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#10 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 08:08 PM
 
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I feel the same, while it's exciting, it's not the same as first baby excitement, to me anyway. I'm sure part of it is that I'm too busy with Colin to be able to spend a ton of time dwelling on this little one. I do not feel as connected to her as I did with my first, but again, I don't have as much time to just sit and think about her and plan things. It's funny because when ds was born, we did not bond right away, and it seemed odd because I felt so connected to him when he was in my belly. I feel badly only because I don't want to make her less special, but it's definitely the 'been there, done that' thing this time. Exciting, but not the same as with the very first. It's kind of nice in that respect, though. I'm not always worried! I'm more relaxed, and enjoying this pregnancy much more.

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#11 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 08:40 PM
 
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Its a little different for me. While I am not as excited, you might say, because I am not constantly looking up development, writing letters to him/her, etc. this pregnancy is very different from my first in that I am trying to make this time the perfect labor/birth everything that I didn't have with DS... I am going to have my 100% natural home waterbirth instead of my epidural laced, unnecessary episiotomy ridden hospital birth, that came 6 1/2 weeks early... I am much more informed about everything, and I feel lucky that I can give that to this babe and feel guilty that I couldn't give that to DS...

Wife & Mama to Two Loving Kids DS1 (7/7/07) DS2 (925/08) and DS3 (6/28/12)! And our new furbaby puppy Koda!

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#12 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 09:50 PM
 
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I think it's normal. There's so much of the day I don't even think about being pregnant. And honestly talking about being pregnant and having babies is what I do for a living! But it's just life and it just gets busy, especially when there are other children to tend to and your day can't revolve around sitting there and dreaming about your baking babe.

I try to take time each day to focus on the baby, I try to ackowledge and talk to him (even in my head) when he's kicking. When I fit in some yoga stretches, drink my pregnancy tea, or first lie down I try to give him some devoted focus.

But I think it's normal to sometimes just get caught up in life. You'll still bond well when your baby arrives!

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#13 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 11:27 PM
 
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I'm on my 3rd and I 'forget' I'm pregnant too because I'm so busy with my other two! Someone asked me the other day how far along I was and I was like "Ummm. Not sure, but I'm past 20 weeks I think" lol meanwhile with my first I was like "Well, I'm 20 weeks, 4 days and 2 hours"

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#14 of 31 Old 06-11-2008, 11:45 PM
 
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I'm there too. I just think we can't force it and it (the love and connection) will come. Sometimes it almost feels like my daughter is so perfect that I can't imagine this baby being as good.
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#15 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 12:10 AM
 
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i totally understand, and feel the same way also. DS is the center of my life - he is so wonderful and of course our "baby". i try to imagine a new babe entering our family dynamic, and i can't. but of course, i could not imagine life with #1 until he actually arrived - and even then, no imagining can prepare you for the real thing! so i try not to think too much about how this will change us, what adjustments we will encounter. i keep reveling in the fact that we will soon have a new, beautiful little person to love and we will all be luckier for it! the adjustments will come, and we'll all do just fine. all of us lovely DDC mamas.

i am sure this feeling is completely normal and will pass, casemnor!

Veg mama to DS (6/05) and DD (10/08) :
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#16 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 08:28 AM
 
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I was just feeling guilty for last night because I am setting up a smal lingerie chest and a chnaging table in the hallway for this baby, and for my first I painted her room and baught perfect furniture, and made curtains. But practially I don't see the point, DD just started sleeping in her room sometimes like last month. I know I don't need a crib. The only thing we need is a place to store diapers and clothes. When this new one is older I will redo the room for both of them. But part of me still feels badish.
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#17 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 10:06 AM
 
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I'm a first time mom & don't seem to feel the "connection" everyone else keeps talking about. My dog got out of our yard the other day & it took me a half hour to find her and by the time I did I was crying & hystarical (she was fine.) After we were back home I was thinking "oh my god-i'm more attached to my dog (by leaps and bounds) then my unborn child-I am a monster." I would never tell anyone this in real life for fear they think I'm a terrible person-but it helps to know I'm not the only one worrying about my attachment. I'm sure once the babe is here I'll feel differently.
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#18 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 10:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lyle_kate View Post
I'm there too. I just think we can't force it and it (the love and connection) will come. Sometimes it almost feels like my daughter is so perfect that I can't imagine this baby being as good.
Exactly....Nell is so awesome...I just can't imagine that any other child will ever be as special....intellectually I know Lilith will be as special...I just can't imagine it. Just like I could not imagine the intensity of love I would feel for Nellie...there's nothing like it.
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#19 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 10:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks mamas! It's good to know I'm not the only one that struggles with these anxieties. I know I'll look back at this and shake my head with wonder at the girl that worried so...but it doesn't change the feelings right now.

I'm grateful for how attached Nell already seems to be....she talks to Lilith every day and tells me stories of all the things that she and her "baby sista wiwth" will do.
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#20 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 01:52 PM
 
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You're not the only one, I'm struggling with this now...especially since it's probably a girl so now I've been really struggling.

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#21 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 01:57 PM
 
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Exactly....Nell is so awesome...I just can't imagine that any other child will ever be as special....intellectually I know Lilith will be as special...I just can't imagine it. Just like I could not imagine the intensity of love I would feel for Nellie...there's nothing like it.
I have actually been struggling with this part myself. My DS has been the sweetest, easiest kid. He's just...wonderful and amazing in every way. What if my feelings change? What if he gets shafted and changes? What if the new baby cries all the time or is just a typical, average baby instead of complete joy like DS?

In the end, it doesn't matter and isn't worth worrying about. I can't change that and we just have to take what we get. I like to tell myself that I've figured it all out and helped the process some with my mad mama skills.
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#22 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 02:12 PM
 
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I'm there too. I just think we can't force it and it (the love and connection) will come. Sometimes it almost feels like my daughter is so perfect that I can't imagine this baby being as good.
The amazing thing is that this new person will be just as great...just in their unique ways. I love how my dd is one way and my ds is exactly the opposite. For instance my dd would cry and cry and need lots of love if she got hurt (enjoyed giving that love), but my ds just bonked his head and he laughed! It is wonderful that they are just as "good" and you get to connect in all sorts of different ways!

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#23 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 03:47 PM
 
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you know I was discussing my feelings with my mom yesterday and she said, "But after the baby comes, you won't even be able to imagine your life without her anymore." And she's right of course. It was that way with my first two. And it's really odd to think back to a time when they WEREN'T here. Even when I think about the first 2 yrs of DS' life before DD was born. . . I can remember things, but I can't shake that weird impression that she was just there all along

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#24 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 03:53 PM
 
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oops, double post, sorry!

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#25 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 07:32 PM
 
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The amazing thing is that this new person will be just as great...just in their unique ways. I love how my dd is one way and my ds is exactly the opposite. For instance my dd would cry and cry and need lots of love if she got hurt (enjoyed giving that love), but my ds just bonked his head and he laughed! It is wonderful that they are just as "good" and you get to connect in all sorts of different ways!
You're right. I think that I know that deep down. It's not that my daughter is easy or "perfect" to anyone but me. But she is my baby. It's hard to think of loving another baby as much, even though I know that I will.
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#26 of 31 Old 06-12-2008, 10:17 PM
 
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I didn't read other posts but I'm sure just about everyone relates to you.

I'm having my third now and when I had my second I wanted a boy. Not b/c I already had a girl but I didn't want anyone taking my little girls place. I ended up having a boy and I love him so much. Now I'm pg again and I don't want another boy b/c he's my little guy.

I love them both so much...I'll love whoever is given to me this time.
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#27 of 31 Old 06-16-2008, 10:57 AM
 
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I feel the same way One of the reasons we've (I've) decided to find out the sex of the baby is because I'm hoping and praying that it will help me bond with the baby to know if it's a boy or a girl. I've said the same thing in that there are times when I haven't thought about the baby all day, or for several days. The only way I even keep track of how far I am is because I have a babycenter.com reminder that sends me a message each week (You're 18 weeks now! 19 weeks now! etc.).

With DC#1 I felt so connected from the FIRST moment I found out I was pregnant. I spoke with my mw about this at the last visit and she suggested I take time to talk to the baby...try to do it once a day. I've tried before but I just can't even get myself to do it. I feel so disconnected that I don't even know what to say

It scares me, thinking that I'm going to end up with PPD.

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#28 of 31 Old 06-16-2008, 11:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=GreenFlower;11480360]

With DC#1 I felt so connected from the FIRST moment I found out I was pregnant. I spoke with my mw about this at the last visit and she suggested I take time to talk to the baby...try to do it once a day. I've tried before but I just can't even get myself to do it. I feel so disconnected that I don't even know what to say
QUOTE]

I've decided to not berate myself about this, or even question whether or not this means I'm going to be a good mom etc....a dear friend reminded me of the conversation I had the night before I was induced for Nell...I was crying and telling her I'd changed my mind, because I was scared I would suck as a mom..and what if she didn't love me/I didn't love her etc...so I guess I'd forgotten that I had some anxieties about my relationship with Nell.

I had a pregnancy massage last week and told myself i would spend the entire time relaxing, and visioning joy and contentment for my WHOLE family..especially Lilith (our new little one)...I don't know what happened...but I literally felt something shift in my heart that made me all ok with this and ok with just accepting this is part of the process.

I feel a lot more at peace that when the time comes, there will be enough love to go around!
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#29 of 31 Old 06-16-2008, 01:21 PM
 
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ok, I am just having my first, but I had to reply because this was one of the very first mommy lessons that my mother taught all four of us. She said (I was the first) that when I was born she never knew she could love something that much and that she knew she could never love anyone as much as she loved me. She stressed herself out the entire time she was pregnant with my sister and said that as soon as she was born she knew she could never love anything as much as she loved her. Your heart always accomodates the divide and will grow as big as your family and knowing that should make you just as happy and excited about the miracle of a mother's heart as it is about the prospect of that first baby.
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#30 of 31 Old 06-16-2008, 02:41 PM
 
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I have actually been struggling with this part myself. My DS has been the sweetest, easiest kid. He's just...wonderful and amazing in every way. What if my feelings change? What if he gets shafted and changes? What if the new baby cries all the time or is just a typical, average baby instead of complete joy like DS?
THese thoughts have been running rampent in my head. These exact thoughts. I'm picturing a high-needs "colicky" drama-filled child, the polar opposite of ds. It truely scares me.

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