Anyone else have Asian in-laws?.......... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-19-2008, 05:17 AM
 
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Do any other mixed-marriage Mamas here have Asian in-laws? If so, how do you get along with them? How do they treat you? What do you call your MIL and FIL? How do you get along with your SILs and BILs?

Hi! I'm new here but didn't see an introduction thread so figured I'd just jump right in. Hope no one minds . Short intro though: DH is African-American/Japanese, I'm Polish/Caucasian and we have one DD who is 16 months.

My MIL is Japanese. I feel that we get along alright- although I think we're both trying to make it better. I was raised in the United States and she in Japan (although she's here now) so I think there are some cultural barriers we need to break through. Some might just be personality though- I find it difficult to get close to her because I'm a very warm, open, emotional person and she is more of a keep to herself type person so to speak. I care for her a lot though and she has taught me how to cook some Japanese dishes which I knew took her out of her comfort zone, that was really nice.

She treats me well but again I feel like she's closed off to me and seems more open with my BIL's girlfriend (who's been with my BIL longer than I've been with DH). I would love to have the relationship that they have with each other.

I call her by her name + san. She told DH (before we were married) that that's what she wanted me to call her so I have. However, BIL's gf calls her Mom. I don't feel quite comfortable with calling her that but I'd prefer to call her something more familial.

The whole family is very individualistic so to speak. They spend most of their time in their rooms so when we visit I rarely see them. That being said I'm as close to my BIL as I can be given that arrangement. We make small talk when I do see him and he no longer sees me as an intruder (I assume). SIL and I get along rather nicely (usually) although sometimes we have disagreements when we hang out. We both majored in psychology in college so through that we find lots to share. I do wish I was closer with his whole family though- I hope that will come with time and effort.
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:50 AM
 
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Originally Posted by AutumnWind View Post
Question -- how does your mom get along with your in-laws?
Civil... my parents live 400 miles away, so they really only see my in-laws every 2-3 years. Usually we take the kids to go visit my parents rather than my parents coming up here.

I get the impression from my MIL that she thinks that my family is a little to "low class" for her, which bugs the crap out of me when she makes offhanded comments that are digs at my parents. My dad finds her kind of annoying.
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by BurgundyTulip View Post
I call her by her name + san. She told DH (before we were married) that that's what she wanted me to call her so I have. However, BIL's gf calls her Mom. I don't feel quite comfortable with calling her that but I'd prefer to call her something more familial.
My MIL tried to get me to call her "mom" when DH and I first got married, and I just wasn't comfortable with that. I already have a mom, tymv. I call her by her first name. I'm very close to my own mother, and it didn't seem right to call MIL "mom" because it would put her on equal footing with my own mother.

That said, my DH calls my parents "Mom and Dad"... but when I was growing up, half the neighborhood called my mother "Mom".
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Old 12-21-2008, 04:39 AM
 
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Does it count if my DH is the one with Asian in-laws? I'm the one who's Asian (Chinese Canadian) and my late mother never really took a liking to the love of my life. My dad was reasonable and easy-going, but enabled my mom's less than healthy psychological issues and manipulative ways.

To this day, DH still hasn't found a suitable way to address my dad, but occasionally might mumble Mr. Dad's Lastname. Dad recently has a new girlfriend, and she is thoughtful and considerate. Even knit me a scarf for Christmas! ::

Thankfully, DH's family are close by, and helpful but by no means intrusive. We do not have MIL issues. Perhaps it might be because both my mother and DH's mom passed away?
Similar situation here. I'm the Asian American and DH is the one with the Asian in-laws.

He's pretty mellow and generally gets along with everyone including my mother who believe me could try ANYONE's patience. She's a lovely woman who just doesn't understand subtlety or minding her own business. Those are foreign concepts. She routinely offers unsolicited advice because ..well..that's how she is.

I think early on in our marriage, before we had DD, my mom felt that DH had stolen me away from them and made me part of his dysfunctional American family. Haha. As if we don't have any dysfuction in our family at all. My mom is not big on compliments (It's an Asian thing) so she doesn't say anything to DH's face about what a great dad he is to DD however I hear from my relatives that my mom talks about how great it is to have a SIL who cooks, cleans, and helps out with DD. My mom was raised in an era and in a culture where men just didn't do those things so she's happy to see how helpful DH is.

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
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Old 12-21-2008, 01:34 PM
 
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my mom is korean... dh is white he just calls my mom and dad by their first names......... yea its not going over too well with them... lol.....we been together 5 years and from day one my mom has been like- "my name is mom"... "call me mom"... but dh said this -- i have a mom, and a step mom, i dont need another mom..."

pissed off korean mom is not a pleasent thing to stand between.
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